Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

OP just to clarify I wasn't pushing termination - only suggesting it as an option. But if it's off the table for you then that's fine. Concentrate on getting yourself into a safe space so that you can focus on your pregnancy.

@Menora I took it from the tone of OPs post that the pregnancy was unplanned, so it's unfair to suggest that she's at fault here.

Oh bless you I'm sorry I missed the pregnancy update.
If you really want this baby regardless of him then you can make it work as separated co parents. If you really want to stay with him then you need to sit him down and have a talk about boundaries. It's ok to sleep alone. It's ok to sit apart on the sofa.

I completely agree with @Nancydrawn. Before making any big decisions the conversation has to be had. I know you are probably feeling upset by all this and the fact that you are pregnant will be adding to your stress. The only way to deal with is is by expressing your feelings and taking it from there. I hope that all goes well for you and you make the right decision. Xx

Has he had girlfriends before? He sounds very immature in the way he’s acting. Reading your description reminded me of dates in my teens where I was trying to talk to my date and he was pretending to listen and constantly pawing at me. It’s a complete turn-off! And gauche and clumsy and yuk!

If it is inexperience, perhaps he thinks he’s doing the right thing - ie stroking your hair is ‘showing affection’. If that’s the case, gently tell him not to do it and it’s not necessary or wanted. If all the touching and stroking is really a pre-cursor to sex, then I think you’re going to have to be blunter and explain the constant nature of it is off-putting. Perhaps again he’s just very inexperienced and insecure.

The lack of conversation sounds like he struggles socially a bit - well, with women at least.

I think you need to try to have a discussion with him. If it’s still not working, then leave ASAP. No need to have a termination (unless you want to).

Menora, I’m not intending to sound frustrated or hysterical, sorry I’m upset, I suppose because I did feel frustrated today and that’s probably coming out on here but it’s frustration with the situation not with anyone here!

To a large extent it’s me trying to be ‘nice’ and also yes the fact I am so inexperienced relationship wise comes into it. I have no idea what’s normal.

I am therefore at fault, as others have said, I should have said calmly a long time ago that I needed more space. But it’s really hard, in the moment, to know what to say.

Not at fault, and don’t take it that I am saying that it’s a fault of anyone but this is OP panicking I think and their communication seems to be non existent

If you have your own place why don't you just go back to it? .

You don't have to live with this man even if you choose to continue the pregnancy.

And just be assertive - you have sex with him so surely you've got the guts to say 'please don't touch me all the time' - don't be jokey or passive aggressive, just be straight forward.

You need to slow down and think about what you can influence and can change. You don’t need to start thinking about terminations and 50/50 parenting before you have even had 1 chat with him!!

Op, I’m the same as you. I’ve just started dating someone who’s very tactile, he hasn’t stayed at my house yet and I don’t want him too as he keeps telling me how he would hold me close all night (my idea of hell) , I like my own space and don’t feel the need to be touching someone all the time or holding hands all the time, I like my bed to myself or at least half the bed if I have to share.

You are not abnormal, this would annoy most people.

Your lack of mutual conversation is another hammer blow to your relationship, you just don’t sound at all compatible. It sounds like you are settling because you have nothing to compare it to and he’s not an axe murderer.

I your shoes I’d end the relationship as kindly as one ever can.
Has he had many other romantic/sexual relationships? He could be doing what he thinks “ladies” like, he seems socially awkward.

You are in a bit of a pickle but can you see yourself with him in 20 years time? I fear it might be you who ends up as an axe murderer if things continue as they are.

OP it seems like you’re struggling to reach a decision, is that fair? You are at least partly tempted by/relieved at the thought of breaking up with him?

I think the touch and the conversation are two basic incompatibilities. Not only are you bored, but you feel like you’re being pawed at and touched out. That combination is completely insupportable, no one could stand it. For the record, as someone who has before been accused of being a “misandrist” 😏 I don’t actually think he’s done anything wrong, he could be perfect for someone else. So there’s little he can really do about this - it’s just him. And you can’t be on the verge of tears after spending time with a partner, that’s not tenable at all, is it. It’s really a clear sign that things aren’t right. So I think rather than making yourself wait it out, it would really be better (and kinder) to end things now. What would that look like, practically?

hysterical, is this really a sudden realisation today that the partner you chose to have a child with is boring clingy and irritating?

@Menora I don't think OP has come across as 'hysterical' at all. She even tried to play down what the bloke is doing in her initial post.

@Greystorminthesky Of course if you want to keep the baby that's fine. It needn't be 50/50 you could try and get some other arrangement.

At the moment I am ragwort but to be honest pulling faces at me isn’t helpful. I’m sure you can understand why I want to at least try to give the child a home with two parents.

Just to stress, I don’t think you’re abnormal at all. At the same time I don’t think he’s abnormal for being all over you in the early stages of a relationship. That’s what I’m like and what most people I’ve dated have been like. So I do wonder whether you’re actually attracted to him (that would be a little surprising given the fact he’s a poor conversationalist).

I know you've already acknowledged and dismissed the incompatability comments but that's pretty much it from what it looks like. This guy is irritating the living shit out of you!

New I would hate that. Cant believe all the PPs saying they would like it.... there's a difference between normal cuddling and endless pawing at you. Of course YANBU, I think this is a red flag and I'd be running a mile!

It’s really hard to say. I do know what you mean! But I just can’t picture anybody else having this level of fuss. I’ve been scrolling through Instagram and one of my friends shared a painting she did earlier - the idea of me being able to paint a picture with him around is unthinkable, I can’t even watch a film!

This isn't acceptable behaviour BECAUSE YOU DONT LIKE IT.

What is wrong with other pp!

So if women are in relationship that gives men the right to keep touching us?...

My ex did this all the time. It was for him. He new my passcode, what I was doing, would take it personally if I didn't want to stop the dishes to kiss him. It was ridiculous.

There's a difference between affection and this.

How long have you two been together?

He sounds awful.

Constantly pawing at you? Long walks with no chat? Utterly boring conversation?

I couldn't stand any of that.

Hi OP, you are not wrong to feel as you do. He has ignored you when you asked him to stop touching you. You need to leave him. This is your instinct telling you something is wrong - it is.

Leave him. Take time to think. Then decide on your options. See a counsellor to help disentangle your decision on the baby from your decision on him. Too many women put up with really bad behavior for the sake of the children. You seem to be resigning yourself to this and you don’t even have a child yet - although I realise you are pregnant, you can still decide how to proceed, you are not a spectator in your own life.

@Ragwort

If you have your own place why don't you just go back to it? .

You don't have to live with this man even if you choose to continue the pregnancy.

And just be assertive - you have sex with him so surely you've got the guts to say 'please don't touch me all the time' - don't be jokey or passive aggressive, just be straight forward.

This. I couldn't bear it personally. Would drive me round the twist.

I'd go back to my own place for a while. Gets some perspective.

Groovy I read it as he simply doesn’t know that she doesn’t like it. Of course it’s his responsibility to read signals, but if OP is invested in the idea of giving the relationship a ‘fair go’, then it’s quite possible that there are few signals to read. Totally agree that if she is making it clear and he’s ignoring her that that’s unacceptable. Then there are two reasons to end it, incompatibility and selfishness/coercion etc.

You see I honestly don’t think he’s awful or abusive - I was very ambiguous in what I said and it probably came across as I don’t want sex but it’s okay to keep touching me.

I think I will draft a message to send to him, not today as I’m upset and confused and feeling sick! But this week certainly.

I do think he is not the most exciting person ... but there’s preventing a child having a family for good reasons like abuse and then there’s desperately wanting it to work and I want it to work, I really do.

You see things like see a counsellor are so well meaning but don’t take into account the vulnerability of my situation. I don’t have a job. I am pregnant. I have no spare money!

@Greystorminthesky

At the moment I am ragwort but to be honest pulling faces at me isn’t helpful. I’m sure you can understand why I want to at least try to give the child a home with two parents.

By staying with someone you know you're incompatible with? This is who he is. He's irritating the living fuck out of you.