Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

@Aerial2020 OPs main gripe is that she doesn’t want to be left to single handedly juggle small children. This is exactly what she would end up with if they split!

I also want to quote OP in saying we also share lie-ins every weekend and take it in turns to have afternoons off. We regularly have a few hours each away from the children at weekends.

While the kids are this small she is better off sticking with what she’s got.

Yes but once you take something away people want it more. So he won't be doing activities with the children, but he will want them. However he will dodge out of the weekends if there's a race on. It will become all about fitting his access times around his hobbies on the grounds she has nothing better to do - just the way it is now.

I used to have similar experiences with my exh op. If he thought some of this friends were going out or doing something, he HAD to be involved. Whether that was going to the pub, or to a gig or on an all day bender to the cricket, which involved taking a day off work then another day to recover (but never taking days off for childcare like I did).

He told me just before we split up that I "never let him go out", or "made him feel guilty for going out". I never once told him he couldn't go out but maybe I wasn't jumping with joy at another night/day out with his mates while I was at home with the kids.

He even said to me that I should go out more with my friends. I told him that most of my friends also have kids and generally don't go out much as they are at home with their own kids and husbands but it fell on deaf ears. I also didn't want to be in a marriage where we spent so much time doing our own things that we had no time as a family.

Turned out it didn't' matter anyway as I found out shortly after that he was having an affair so I left him.

Now he is paying half of the mortgage on the family home and rent on his own home where he can have the kids EOW and 1-2 night in the week. He now has even less free money and time to live the life of the bachelor he always wanted to be and surprise surprise, he is single and most of his mates are busy most of the time with their own families.

I don't think you will change his mindset op and I think he will have to have the harsh reality of being careful what you wish for to make him realise what an immature twat he has been.

Also, when we first separated, I was very strict with the child access arrangements. If it was his weekend to have them, then he had them. I expected him to arrange his social life around those weekends, not vice versa. I know he missed out on quite a lot of things he previously would have done when married because of it.

The woman he had the affair with, who clearly stroked his ego and made him feel young again (she was 13 years younger), decided he spent too much time with his kids and they split after 2 years because she was child free and could do whatever she liked whenever she liked. But, this is what he wanted and this is what he's got.

@Sunshineandflipflops yes! Ive also had th whole "you make me feel guilty for going out" and the "you can go out whenever you like with your friends too."

I think my DH will be exactly like yours should we separate and end up with much less time for hobbies anyway (unless the inlaws jump in for him, which they often do!)

How old were your children when you separated?

@KittyKattyKate I do actually agree with what you're saying with regards to waiting until the children are a little older. This is actually my plan. Not a lot older than they are now, but certainly a little more independent.

From all the advice I've been given here, I think finding more freedom for myself as life is at the moment and purely concentrating on me and my children is the way forward for now.

My dc were 10 and 11. That was by far the worst part - the upset it caused them. In some ways I wish they had been young enough to not really understand what was happening. As it was though, they understood what but not why as I decided the truth was too much for them to handle. Instead I had to tell them we weren't making each other happy. Which I guess we weren't when it comes down to it or he wouldn't have had an affair.

I'm not sure how old your DC are but waiting until they are older doesn't make it easier. Not on them anyway.

They will also know you are unhappy as they grow up, which will have an affect on them the longer they are living with you both.

I agree

It only works if he's prepared to look after them while you find that time. If it's a weekend he's home I'd say make plans (especially for the evening) and don't mention it till the last minute.

When he complains just look puzzled and say well of course I didn't invite you I know you are tired/won't want to come!

It's what I said way back (and got jumped on). Just do your own thing. Happily. The worst that can happen is you split and you already have a life. The best is he feels like he's missing out and wants to join in.

He isn't going to change though if the situation is the same he will be too. Talking will make no difference but you will of course do it anyway and it will be massively unhelpful.

Sounds like this has been going on for a while.