Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

What a dripfeed

Well, that's a huge dripfeed!

I might have been more worried about that - all the other things on the lost sound pretty minor in comparison

What's wrong with drip feeding?

It's unlikley that I'd cover every aspect of the problem in my OP.

I didn't add it in originally as for me personally, it wasn't as huge a surprise as the "battle" elements of the list.

Sorry, I just read what he’d written at the top of his lust....sorry Op. You aren’t reading too much into it.

Why don't you make a list of things you want to do too?

Why is it all down to him to make an effort to spend more time with you? Why aren't you arranging to go out for the day and leave him with the children? How old are your children?

I do sometimes think that women fall into the whole the weekend is family time bit without thinking that any of that time could be carved out for themselves, alone. As a SAHM I obviously spent a lot of time with the DCs. Dh wanted time one on one with each child individually and with both of them. So I facilitated that. We each got a lie in on one of the weekends mornings and the other would deal with the children. The person who got the lie in would make a lovely lunch for everyone.

Stop being a passenger, make plans for yourself whilst he is still in the marriage. Work out what you want, start discussing things so you can put stuff in the calendar.

What do you want, yes that's his list but he doesn't pull all the strings

What stuns me about these men is that they seem incapable of assuming their wives need equal time out.
Sit down with him and say he can do all of these things if he costs them and allows you to spend equivalent time and money on yourself, away from the kids, doing exactly what you want. Plot into the diary and equivalent time off for you. If he starts to panic abotu the amount of time he has to handle DC alone, or the amount of money you intend to spend on you, then you might be able to start a grown up conversation about being a team and how, while DC are small it is essential that you don't become a second class citizen because you earn less and take on the crucial and valuable role of raising his kids for free.

I wish they taught this stuff in school. Emotional maturity. So many men lack it. And so few women fight for their right to it. Your battles shouldn;t have to be about whether he's 'allowed' to 'have fun'. They should be about how to ensure you are equally valued and respected in the marriage at every stage.

Tell him you'd like to put him out of his misery, @Hoodlihoodlihoo.

I agree with other posters that you perhaps shouldn’t have read it, and it’s very difficult for us to ‘judge’ whether he would follow through. But you know your DP, you know whether he would actually follow through on this or not. Given his past behaviour it sounds like he would. You sound deeply unhappy in the relationship and that you married a man who firmly believes your place is at home and his is living his life as a single man. The battle sounds a horrible way to refer to you. How has it been during lockdown has he helped with the children? Have you had more positive interactions?

@mudpiemaker we also share lie-ins every weekend and take it in turns to have afternoons off. We regularly have a few hours each away from the children at weekends.

I don't really see how that has anything to do with his list of long periods away from the family. A few hours off and a lie-in hardly compares to his plans.

Hood but it wouldn't be a battle would it if you said, yes, great off you go and have a good time. But you can't/won't do this because you do not get the same amount of freedom.

Why can't you do that for yourself? Why can't you sort out going out, going away?

Like I asked how old are the children? Are you still breastfeeding?

@monkeyonthetable I wish they taught this stuff in school too.

Our equality in our marriage dissipated soon after the birth of our first child.

Cross posts, but why can't you go away?

What would your list be OP? It sounds like he has a lot of the control in this relationship and it’s very unbalanced. Would your list say “split up or stay?”, or just “split up” or “stay”. I mean this in a positive way, maybe it’s time for YOU to decide what you want, where you might or might not compromise, and don’t just react to what he wants.

The drop feed is a bombshell. Of course a man unhappy in his life and marriage has written battle. It is all about context.

I think he is really unhappy.

You sound incompatible to me. Why did you have another child before going to improve your relationship in counselling first?

I think this man feels really unhappy and he is trying to focus on making himself happier and is looking to external things such as holidays because it is FAR easier than addressing the fundamental causes....one of which could be your disconnected marriage.

Life has been much easier in lockdown as he obviously hasn't been able to go anywhere. He has been happy about this regardless as he's been able to work from home which he's loved.

This is going to sound horrid. Bear with me.

You are in charge of what you accept OP. Just you. No one can force you to accept poor treatment.

Your issue here is: with DC1 a pattern was set, where he lives like a single man and you are his housekeeper.

If you want to change that pattern you are going to have to change the way you interact with DH, and drastically too.

You will need to communicate bluntly. Call out his tantrums. Speak plainly with few words and pause to let it sink into his little manbrain. There are books and blogs you can read to give you the tools you need. Basically you must communicate to him in man language. Stop expecting him to listen like a woman, talk like a woman or behave like a woman.

Oh but he should do this, he could do that.

No. Coulda woulda shoulda got you into this mess. It is not going to get you out. Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.

Assuming he is fundamentally a good man (no violence, drinking, gambling etc) you can turn this around. I know this because I've done it.

But you must change the way you handle him, and drastically.

Think of it as stage 2 of married with kids. Let go of the past. You can do this.

What is the longest time you have ever spent away from your children? Could you go 12 hours? If you can, what do you want in that time.

Make your list. Would you want to have a weekend away? Or a day trip with some friends? Why is it all about your time with him and not just for yourself?

I am really trying to help you see this from another angle.

hoodlihood I agree it's selfish of him to want to spend £££ on going abroad twice whilst the children don't get to go away.

Do you work? Does he resent having to pay for things? Maybe he perceives it as his money to do what he wants?

There seem to be lots of men who don't enjoy the monotony of small children. It's sad they can't see it's only for a few years.

It's quite ironic he can't go now anyway due to pandemic.

I would start planning things without him - do you have family or friends you can do stuff with? Don't just stay home waiting for him to get back - have fun without him. He sounds quite boring anyway

If I had found that list I'd tell him and ask to go to relationship counselling. I'm really sorry, what a horrible thing to find.

It's a private goal list for the year, and it's completly reasonable to be full of lofty ambitions which don't involve you or the dc, as it is private,

This does seem like a great time to touch base with him though, in an open way, not angry at him for expecting you to deal with the dc while he's off doing whatever he wants but supportive, you both need to do the things you want together, you could come to an arrangement of each looking after the kids for two hours at a time so the other can do hobbies?

Just do everything @ LivingThatLockdownLife said

Ooh cross posted. Ignore me.

It sounds like the problem is you feeling your life has been absorbed by the DC.

Only you can fix that. It starts by finding out who you are now. Not pre DC. Now.

I think whatever you decide to do, you do need to clear the air or the resentment will stew. 💐

I wish they taught this stuff in school. Emotional maturity. So many men lack it. And so few women fight for their right to it. Your battles shouldn;t have to be about whether he's 'allowed' to 'have fun'. They should be about how to ensure you are equally valued and respected in the marriage at every stage

So agree with this, so sick of patriarchal men. My ex was exactly he same as you op, I worked full time and minded three kids. While he went on 2 day benders with his sister. Organized events with friends that I wasn't allowed attend. In the end I was so sidelined from his life that I kicked him out. He never wanted to be a full time parent. Now at court appointed times he has the kids, his partner does the majority of the child care and I get to work, study for a degree and then work on me.