Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

I'm in two minds about this.

On one hand, I think I'd be hurt if I were you. It's not so much the list (although that speaks to his priorities, which don't seem to include you much), it's the word "battle" next to the fun (for him) stuff - that points to a well of resentment on his part, which seems very unfair (I'm also a parent of two very young kids).

On the other hand, you seem a bit defeatist about it. You say he could allow you the same freedom, but then say "well I couldn't do what I want because it would clash with his dates." Nonsense. It doesn't sound like ALL of this is already "booked up": just book yours in first!

In my case, the reality is that I COULD go away for a week if I wanted to, but I don't do these things because I would feel guilty about spending time away from the family. My husband doesn't have that guilt. It kind of feels unfair, but it isn't really. It's not my husband's fault that I would feel guilty about being away from the kids. He would support me wholeheartedly if I actually chose to do that. Equally, he isn't to blame for not feeling guilty - he actually shouldn't (and neither should I, but I do) about having his own time.

I'm not sure there's any right or wrong answer. Could he be more family focused in his thinking? Sure. But could you be less so? Maybe.

It's the "battle" issue I'd have to address. If my husband saw me as a jailer I'd be offended, too.

Having the children to look after every other weekend and for dinner every Wednesday evening is going to put a huge crimp in his social life, isn't it?

I’d like to know how he’s going ‘sort finances’ when everything pretty much on his list costs ££! Most of the things he’s put he wants to do on his own like he’s a single man.
Of course it’s going to be a battle for him, because he needs to go on these things leaving you to hold the babies. It’s naff.
My dh was like this. We were both single before we met and did our own thing. As soon as dds came along he expected to continue like that.
Your DP needs a reality check.

Can I suggest one goal for you, OP?
Get away from this man who has no desire to be with you or your DCs and sees you as a jailer. He will only let you do what you want when it does not impact on him (so that would be never) and will get in a strop if you try.
He would not tolerate you behaving like he does, would he? Doesn't that tell you anything?

This man does not see you as an equal. You are both jailer and facilitator of him and his ‘goals’.

There is nothing inherently wrong with having goals of ones own but the word ‘Battle’, the extent to which he wishes to be away, the lack of inclusion, the expectation that you’ll pick up the slack, that you’ll back down regarding your needs and time away (because he sulks / is emotionally abusive) highlight just how he sees you. You are far down his list of priorities.

He sounds pretty uncommitted to your family from this list. Is this true ?

Getting in there first is an excellent idea. If you’re still breast feeding, perhaps you could pump instead on certain days and actually go out. Friends, college, exercising, time alone etc. Get a bit of your independence back. Sod him. Time away from him will give you a break and a bit of clarity.

When I hear the word battle like that. I think PIG PIG PIG.

I can see why you're hurt. The word battle is to me a shorthand carrying all sorts of ideas for him about your attitude to self care, your marriage and values.

I do think that you have to approach this differently too though. It is his list. It isn't a couple goals list - why don't you suggest you write one together?

You have pointed out all the reasons why you don't have your own list, and I think it is a shame to let your mind limit you from having dreams, never mind trying to discuss them.

Have you ever heard of Gottnan sound relationship house? Having dreams for the SELF is just as important to a happy relationship.

Sorry multitasking - Gottman

I don’t think he has one foot out of the door. There wouldn’t be a weekend away as a couple or any family activities if he had.

I think the problem is that he sees you as a jailer stopping his fun. Which is extremely immature - but also extremely common.

I’m not sure what the answer is TBH. DH & I had rows about similar issues back when the DCs were little (DS1 has ASD & ADHD and could be absolutely draining at one stage). DH was out of the house at work or commuting for 12 hours a day. Of course I didn’t begrudge him downtime of a weekend. But he genuinely couldn’t see why it wasn’t reasonable to spend every Saturday afternoon & evening at football then the pub with mates. And every Sunday recovering & visiting his mum. Alone. That was me being controlling too 🤦🏻‍♀️. We had some incredibly unhappy years followed by splitting us. Then getting back together 2 years later.

Yes the use of the word battle would really alarm me !! Does he consider you the enemy? You need to talk .

I occasionally write lists of all this amazing stuff I want to do/achieve too...not sure how much of it, if any, factors my husband in. My lists are about ME not my role as a wife or mother. It’s not like I expect to tick them off in an orderly fashion either...they’re really just a categorising of ideas and aspirations. A wishlist rather than a mandate. I’d be taken aback if dh came across this sort of scribbling down of thoughts and kicked off because he didn’t feature in it more.

I don’t know...I can understand why you feel slighted and sidelined on discovery but how much water does it actually hold?

My goals would be like this. Places I wanted to go. Weekends away with my friends. Things I wanted to do on my own. I get a lot of me time, but I still crave more. It's never enough.

Maybe because I spend my whole life running ds's to football, cooking spaghetti and meatballs, filling out school forms and buying costumes for mufti days.

Is this bad? Am I not committed to my marriage. Dh said to me the other day that I never suggest anything for him and me to do. Unfortunately I think he's right. I need to work on that.

What's stopping you from creating your own Action List?

It would stop you resenting him having plans of his own. Decide what you want to do in your life then work with him on childcare so he does 50% of the heavy lifting on that score. Take it in turns to pick an item off your own respective lists.

I like the fact he wants to get the mortgage down and sort his finances. Rather that, than someone who wants to throw their money down the drain.

You can both be fulfilled and it may have a positive effect on your marriage if you're working as a team.

You could have

Develop career
Sort finances
Sort childcare
Find financial adviser re investments

... then leave the list lying around accidentally on purpose somewhere he can find it. That'd get him thinking....

There are so many things he wanted to do alone over the year that if I did want to do anything myself- I'd no doubt end up clashing with his dates.

C'mon OP you're being a bit sulky here. Just because he has a list of wants, doesn't mean you sit there with a long face while he works his way through the list!

Pull up those big girl's pants and show him what you're made of by negotiating what you want You're enabling his bad behaviour by becoming invisible and not countering his ideas with some of your own.

@vikingwife

He is likely anticipating battles because you sound nit picky & controlling

Because they dont have the money for these things? No family holiday not even a trip out for the uncles wedding as a family no he gets to go anyway because he wants to go everyone else can get stuffed basically, sure she can do what she wants on her birthday unless it clashes with his plans then it's a no. That doesnt sound like a particularly oppressed male to me

Just to clarify.
It's definitely not a wish list and it is his intended plan for the year. A plan he hasn't shared with me and will no doubt impose on me regardless of how I'm feeling and whether I can manage the DCs on my own for long periods whilst he goes off and has fun.
I know from past experience, hence the talk we had before DC2 was born about things being difficult to do for the first year or so. After DC1 was born, he would go off many weekends/went on many trips abroad with friends whilst I took care of DC.

We have never taken the DCs abroad.

He has been atleast 4 times since they were born.

I just feel like we barely fit into his plan. It's great for him to do things for himself but its like we live separate lives and my role (in his eyes) is to mind the children so that he can have fun. Although, him seeing me as his jailer is a big insult on top.of this.

I think he would rather me set him free. But, I wonder how he would fit in his childcare schedule around his lifestyle.

At the top of the list is:
Stay together/split up?
Which I would have expected anyway and I'm glad he's actually thinking about it as opposed to plodding along miserably. But I wonder if the rest of his list answers his question anyway.

I'm sorry OP but it seems quite unlikely that this list just "fell out" of his notebook when you were tidying. Either way, you read it and you shouldn't have. He has a right to privacy and it wasn't intended for you to read.

Even parents of young children deserve time for themselves sometimes and it doesn't sound like anything particularly excessive based on what you've described. Half of it probably won't happen anyway now, thanks to the current circumstances in the world 🤷🏼‍♀️ So instead of focusing on being angry at the things he wants to do for himself, why not concentrate on finding some things you want to do for yourself and proactively mentioning them to him and how/if he can help facilitate them?

Hang on, did you just drip feed that the first item of the list is ‘stay together/split up’? I think that’s the most significant thing about this list then, the rest of it is of a piece with that item.

Huge dripfeed, OP. Still shouldn't have read it.

The problem with fundamentally selfish people is that you're fighting a very uphill battle to get them to acknowledge your needs/wants as being on a par with your own.

I find the refusal to take the family to the wedding very disrespectful, I would not like that at all.

You need to start with a clear goal in mind - what do you actually want to happen? Then plan, discuss and strategise from there. As a team, or separately if he has totally checked out.

I also think the list in fine. If I wrote a list mine would probably be similar. I love my family, but they take all my time and the area I need to develop most is working on myself. Thats normal for parents of young children. However, there is clearly a bigger issue here with him resenting family life - I’d be looking at couples counselling.

Yes and the wedding is not on - that’s a rubbish excuse on his part

Don't mention you saw the list. This is private.

Instead talk a bit about how hard things have been so far this year (re: CV) and say you really hope things will get better soon and then say it would be good if we could make some tentative plans for when the lock down is completely lifted (sorry Assuming you are in England?) and suggest you both go over things you would like to do together and separately. But do let him know when you go anywhere he has to step up to looking after HIS kids!

If, and it’s a big projection for me, I was in a relationship with someone I thought I needed to battle - rightly or wrongly - to achieve my goals, number one on my list would be to improve my relationship.

If I was accused of needing to be battled for a man child to be a man child, I’m afraid to use the wel worn Mumsnet phrase I’d be getting my ducks in a row.

I’m sorry OP

It sounds like a normal wish list to me and like you are looking for problems.