Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

Op you sound more hurt than anything else. Your dh wants to attend 8 activities away from home without you or dc, even though there are some that you could all attend as a family.
It’s all written down in a list and he can’t even see how unbalanced it is because his main concern is himself.
This isn’t just about battles and you carving out time for yourself. Your dh seems to not want to be involved in family life and wants to prioritise his own fun. That’s hard to change.

Other posters are right though. You do need to start doing more for yourself as your dh is unlikely to change his attitude. I know you want to prioritise family life too but you can do both.
You can have family time during the day, go out with friends some evenings. Maybe do something for yourself one weekend or day a month.
If he does go away, make sure you do something with your dc.
There’s nothing wrong with couples spending time apart and going away without each other but both parties have to be happy with the balance.

You can have a conversation about it if it comes up but people don’t often change.

I understand the both of you.

He finds family life stifling and limiting - because it IS. I am a mother of two children and often feel like dropping it all because family life bores me to death at least some of the time. It's a drudge. So I carve out as much time off as I possibly can, and yes, make sure to go away without the husband and without the kids and have fun. It's essential to my mental wellbeing.

You on the other hand want him to be more family oriented which is totally understandable, you're often left holding the baby while he goes out, and you don't get as much time to yourself. You want him to be more involved with his very own family unit.

The only solutions I see is to either split up, or stay and work out a compromise, so that you BOTH get a good family/time off balance. If you don't, I see no future for the two of you.

@Hoodlihoodlihoo
Our equality in our marriage dissipated soon after the birth of our first child.

You have to claim it back, really powerfully and without a battle, just as an absolute assumption of your right. Be really adult and absolutely unbudgeable about this. You should have to teach your DH how to be a grown up - it's a tedious job and you lose enormous respect for him in the process, but do it. Because you need him to be one, whether you stay together or split up.

I'd have a really serious conversation with him - ask why he is trying to find his fun outside of family life, as if he were single. Try and get him to see that the way forward is to have fun as a family. Get him to write a new bucket list for and with the family - places he wants his DC to see in the world. Things he wants to help them learn and achieve. 10 things he wants to do with you to surprise you and you will do 10 things to surprise him.

Honestly, my life changed forever when I realised that I'd only really be happy if I looked for fun as a family, not by escaping family life. It's worked for us. We have such a brilliant time as a family. People often comment on how much we do together and how much we seem to enjoy each other's company. If he is a man worth keeping, he'll see how true this is, and how close he's coming to losing the most valuable thing he'll ever have which is - a good time with your children while they grow. You can't ever get that back. It's a one-time chance and then gone forever. Bloody rugger trips with the boyz will be around for jeffing ever.

If he still prioritises his individual life over yours and his DC's when you have spelled all this out to him then he is an absolute tosser.

shouldn't have to not should have to

I’d sort out your own list, take some time out thinking about what you want to do and how to make yourself happy. Once you’ve done that then look at how to make that happen

Then he would sulk and make my life a misery if we didn't give in to his needs first. I should mention that one of these events falls on my birthday.

This is the biggest problem with all of it. Your needs don't matter. And he sulks to make you shut up. Huge red flag.

Not RTFT but it looks unlikely the stag do and wedding abroad will actually happen in 2020 doesnt it ?
If nothing else he’s got 2 lots if 14 days quarantine to do 😂

Get your own to do list and negotiate.

He goes on a 12hr hobby day - costs ££. You get ££ and 12hrs off to do what you like ...

He wants a 4 day stag weekend - same ! You get 4 days and the money to go with it - even if you end up staying with a friend down the road you get time.

Sounds like the 2020 version of Ross from friends list "she's not Rachem"

I would be inclined to get your ducks in a row, once all sorted pack up and ship out.

I would probably leave a large printed copy somewhere pinned to some materialistic object he holds dearer than his own off spring and write something like "enjoy your new solo future, lots of love the Battle"

This sounds like a list of dreams and hopes rather than reality. Try not to be upset. Life is a challenge on both of you when you have young children.

It sounds like he wants to be single again
Did he want children?

Tell him you're finished with the battles, he can do what he likes without you all and divorce him

You say you found a note in his notebook in YOUR office. In case I would do the following:
Write a list of your own -nice colourful pen on the board / top of my desk.
Post lock down plan

1. Have a serious think about current relationship as X seems so self centred on his own goals and not family / and supporting me to reach mine. IS this really want I want ?:selfish, not hands on, sulks, poor at supporting me -everything is difficult with him. He doesn't accept teams work together and not apart? Give time to improve? Or cut losses. Is it better to be a family of 3 without X -what is he really bringing to the party? He's not into family or supporting us as a team? He's so difficult to talk to? Counselling ?
2. Sort out my finances so that I and the children / family are better prepared for any down turn in the economy. X has had holidays abroad etc and this isn't fair on the family finances that need to be for all. Worthwhile discussing the breakdown of resources in the family =money for DC and then half of what is left split between us fairly?
3. Improve my fitness. Via things with the children and things without. Would like to do 5 x 5K runs before September etc.Where is the time and support to do this?

4.Career development -I would like to retrain/ Do CPD or whatever you do in here.

1. Time on my own as well as with family.
2. Create a family list

And I would leave it on my desk ............Yes it is passive/agressive but it might also give him food for thought?

I would also take a picture of his list -as that would be all I needed to start divorce proceedings. But then I would not be with someone who saw me and life with me as a 'battle'. I wouldn't mention his list at all.

But I think he will either buck his ideas up or want to talk about your list.If he wants to talk about my list - I 'd say well do you want to sit down and do a list for you, I'll do a proper list for me and we'll do a list for what we want a family. Then we can look at supporting each other to make this happen and compromise. We could do one weekend of what I want -and you do all childcare, same for you, then one weekend of quality family time and one weekend to improve house / DIY etc each month. So it's fair.

Replace the list with one that starts with Stay Together/ Split Up and then assume you have split up and include a list of things we will be doing including;

• Attending Court to settle reasonable terms including supporting his kids AND doing his share of the child care ...
• Taking DC's to Uncle's wedding because you will be away at the time, etc.

Not really suggesting this but I agree he is an utter self-centred immature dick.

I agree with GoddamnGodBless to be honest. Family life is hard, and he seems to be struggling with his new 'lifestyle' and hankering after some fun and freedom. You don't know when he actually wrote the list and whether he still feels that way though, so that's something to consider.
You do need to have a frank discussion about this though, saying how tough it's been for the two of you, and how you can make it better. I would suggest doing that during a nice walk or when you're somewhere low key and neutral. It doesn't have to be a massive battle, it could be chat about what you'd like to do when the lockdown lifts. You need to work out a plan as a partnership I think.

@Hoodlihoodlihoo

What's wrong with drip feeding?

It's unlikley that I'd cover every aspect of the problem in my OP.

I didn't add it in originally as for me personally, it wasn't as huge a surprise as the "battle" elements of the list.

You've just wasted people's time, that's why.

The top item of the list massively explains the context behind the rest of it. Why would you not include it?

Golf weekend once a year I could get behind, so long as I got a weekend away, too.

I will never understand multi-night stag trips abroad. They aren't visiting museums and touring local craft breweries, are they? It's a single man's holiday.

Your drip feed certainly indicates something deeper, though. Please start preparing for the worst - emergency funds, paperwork in order, etc.

Hi op, there are some very odd replies on here, I hope you get more balanced responses.

This is an awful list to find and I’m afraid his list shows that he is not committed to making the marriage work.

You have just finished breast feeding for 18 months, havn’t had a holiday and never taken the children abroad.

He has been abroad 4 times ??? Since the children were born, presumably alone and is planning 2 more trips abroad alone this year, plus a golf weekend, plus multiple 12 hour days out alone.

These are the aspirations of a bachelor, not a family man. How does he thinks this will help your marriage? Clearly it won’t and I would expect any selfish twat of a husband would need to battle with his wife to get all that as it is clearly an unreasonable list for a father with a young family.

Meanwhile you are supposed to just sit at home being the sole babysitter while he carries on with his bachelor life like some mug. I’m afraid this list shows no respect for you and very little effort put into saving your marriage, what would one night away do amongst all this. What about regular date nights, a babysitter, a weekend away for you both, a family holiday. These are the priorities for a family man.

I’m afraid you probably need to start thinking about life as a single parent and don’t get hung up on his battle reference, as I said any family man would need to battle for that especially after his recent history. Ignore the jokers saying oh you shouldn’t have read it, and oh you Should just let him go away and do what he wants, no big deal! sure you should just be cinders at home and pamper to his selfish needs. .....Meanwhile in the real world, .I’m afraid you deserve better, much much better.

If I was to make a list of goals, they'd be about me too. That's the point of them, generally.

The stag? Did he have one, and did this groom come to that? There's a bit of an obligation there if so.
The wedding - well no, he doesn't get to tell you you can't go.
Everything else is fine. It's an aim. He might not get to achieve it all, because he has commitments to you and his family. He knows that, hence 'battle'. I don't imagine he exects to win them all.

I like the idea of leaving a list of your own for him to find. At the top: 'stay together or split up' then divide the piece of paper into 2 columns. One side under 'stay' lists possible activities for you and friends without him, counselling, trips as a couple and family etc, be constructive and positive. The other side lists the separation issues and maybe wakes him up to reality. Perhaps write about how things could be in a few years time if it's worth saving - this could just be a rough patch.

I would also write a list as @SummerDayWinterEvenings has said. Expand the family time commitments and add some couple commitments and let him see what a wish list from your view would include, reasonable aspirations, not a 5 day stag do abroad! I think this will have a big impact.

Glad to see you are getting some more helpful replies.

It always comes down to this - women have children because they want them.

Men have children because they think they want them.

I'm guessing you don't want to go away for extended weekends - that you chose the children to have a family life with?

And he. Well he can leave them happily for a weekend.

He either changes what he wants - or you change the situation by setting up on your own

What would your list look like? How many of them would be about you individually, how many as a family, how many as a couple?

I'd make sure you've got some goals for yourself (promotion at work, payrise, fitness, DIY, whatever) to try and regain some life which isn't about your partner and kids. It's a balance. Not saying his is right but if I found my OH had a list which was all about taking my and the kids away on holiday, taking them out in bike rides every weekend, spending time making cupcakes with then etc and had nothing a it his growth and development then I'd be worried as it wouldn't be a fulfilling life....

Hi OP
It must have been a shock to read the list but like previous posters I can see both sides.
He sounds incredibly unhappy rather than just wanting to be ‘a lad’
A marriage is a very hostile place to be if you feel trapped or that you have to ask permission to do anything
You do come across as a little controlling and as a result of your drip feed it seems he is reconsidering his relationship with you
It is however very tough having young children and you have clearly been left at home with them leaving you feeling undervalued and understandably so.
What about your career? What about some time away with friends of concentrating on your hobby’s?
Yes family time is important but every has to want to be there.

Getting divorced, coping with money worries and regular child care would put a stop to all this.
Suggest it

I don't like the dripfeed - however ....

Take it from someone much older than you and who has been in this situation - by the time they get to writing it down , it is more or less a definite for them but he doesn't have the guts to say so ! They are lining up what they want to do and makes them "happy " . They are justifying why they feel this way . She is a "battle " . She is not on my team ( mine) . It's not a game - why do people suggest tit for tat stuff ? Why would anyone want to continue in a tit for tat relationship ? He has not given you the respect to even discuss this with you and I know what that is like. He is living in his own little bubble driven by his right to be happy . This is not something to ignore - you have to discuss it with him and see how he reacts- ask him if he wants to separate . His reaction will tell you all you need to know !

Well, the 'sensible' answer is to sit down and discuss plans for the year ahead, once lockdown is lifted - either formally, as as part of a normal conversation. Make sure you have your own list of goals ready; for yourself and, for the family.