Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

I would sit down with him and his list and talk about splitting up. Tell him how much "battle" and his disinterest in doing things as a family hurt. Call his bluff.

Is it a battle with you for him to achieve his goals? We dont have children yet but I have hobbies several evenings a week and so does my fiance. Hes been on boys holidays abroad, stag dos etc. I've been solo travelling with a tour group, hen dos abroad etc. I would like to think this give and take will continue if we have children. I often find women who post things like this often either cant bring themselves to leave their kids with the father for a few nights which is a completely different issue.

I would be annoyed that he doesnt want the whole family to go to the Cyprus wedding because it's too hot for the kids . Kids dont feel the heat. Wack some factor 50 on them and tell him you're all going!

I really feel for you OP.

What has happened here is that you are no longer on the same team, even if you thought you were. You are the enemy. He has cast you as the villain who stops him having fun.

It seem to be depressingly common among men and makes for a very toxic dynamic. Basically, his goal is not to make you happy anymore and find fulfilment through family life, it's to try to claw back some of his childfree old life. He doesn't want to recognise or meet your needs, you are the opponent.

This turns your relationship into a zero sum game. If you're winning, he's losing and not in control. Which this type hates. He needs you to lose so he can win. It will be nothing but emotionally exhausting for you. I bet he accuses you of being controlling and demanding. And when he finally breaks you mentally, he'll accuse you of being crazy too and use it against you as 'proof' that you're the problem.

Realise that you will not be getting your emotional needs fulfilled by this man any time soon and he will be deliberately pretending not to understand what you want and need, plus a whole shedload of other passive aggressive tactics I'll be bound, because it's another way of winning against you. I'm really sorry.

"It is genuinely his list of intentions for the year" - sorry OP, but until you talk to him, you have no way of knowing this, nor do you know that his only enjoyment is being away from you and the kids. His actions aren't great, neither are his words in terms of the list, but the only way to address this is to talk to him about it openly (by which I mean don't come to the conversation with an agenda to try and change his mind on anything, but make it an open discussion about what he wants and what you want, and see if you can come to a middle ground)

I once dated a man who went on multiple trips abroad but not with his wife and child. She divorced him and he was incredibly bitter about it. I was gobsmacked and said so. Anyway she met someone nice and remarried and he whines about never seeing his boy. He didn't learn his lesson either he tried to be just as selfish with me.

You can try the splitting conversation to see if it has an effect but I wouldn't pin my hopes on it.

I think you have lost any love for him OP as you don't seem to have any curiosity about where he is coming from, how he is feeling, why he might be unhappy....

I'm not saying it would be reciprocated but it seems you have checked out.

Maybe that's why you don't want to talk to him and go to counselling.

I think the fact you're "actually glad" he's considering splitting up says more about your marriage than his list. Sorry, OP.

Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad

You would have though if he wasn't spending it on things that only benefit him.

A selfish manchild never makes a good life partner, what's the actual point of him??

He surely must have meant for you to find that?

Who writes stay together/split up? on a to-do list??

It's not something you'd forget that you needed to do or sort out.

then writing BATTLE beside everything else...it's like he's saying well if these things aren't battle then maybe just maybe she'll be lucky and i'll stay

Ok when was this written? If it was intentions for the year was it written 6 months ago? He may have reconsidered things since then. You need to discuss things with your oh and yes the drip feed made a huge difference and changes how people respond.

I've written my own list- many of which include couple goals in addition to my own.
-More intimacy

• Weekly date night
• A shared hobby

-manage our wellbeing as a team -Increase our family savings pot

• Make joint friendships as a couple

And all of the examples above,I have written "battle" next to them. This exercise has taught me, that whilst he sees me as the battle to his social life. He is the battle to the togetherness that I would love to strive for. The going to bed at separate times, the lack of desire for regular sex, the separate friendships that we have because he keeps his friends purely for himself. Can you believe I have never met the friend he plays a sport with 5-6 times a year after being together 8 years?

I haven't written this list for him, but for me. It has really opened my eyes ☹

Sounds like a good list and very constructive too! Now that you have gathered your thoughts you need to find a way to discuss it calmly. I think if he understands how you feel and cares then there's no reason you can't do some of those. Good luck!

Oh dear OP. That's very sad, I feel for you. This isn't one list this is a whole relationship that isn't providing you with love or support.

Your list is not compatible with him. He is the reason you have to make that list, as he doesn't want what's on it. His list is the polar opposite. He wants money and freedom, you want connection, companionship, sex and love.

He may well want sex (hence the getting fit) but not with you. His companionship is provided by his friends. His name doesn't start with G does it?

Battling him into being in love with you.

That's not how love works.

I would love my dh to ever have written an action plan.

Why can he not work on his own personal goals?

I have my own goals that don’t involve DP or family life and I think it’s very healthy to have independence in a relationship. We sit down together and create goals as a couple, you can’t do this alone as you might both want to work on different things.

Maybe let him have his own you have your own and both sit down and create some together?

Do your children a favour and divorce him now.

My father was already bored with family life when my older brother turned 10. He'd emigrated to Australia (my mother's home country) with her from the UK when she was pregnant with me. Soon after my brother's 10th birthday he came back to the UK for a holiday...on his own. My mother recently admitted to me she wasn't actually sure at the time if he'd come back to Australia...

He spent 2 months as a single man back in the UK and that was basically the end of our 'happy' family life. He did come back to Australia, but within a year he'd got a job abroad and from that time onwards lived as a ex-pat single man, rarely coming back to his family - sometimes it would be over a year before we would see him - and showing zero interest in family life.

Six months after my younger brother turned 18 he left my mother for another woman.

My mother should have divorced him the minute he got the job abroad. Instead me and my brother had to endure 5 years of being dragged around the world, until our education was so badly damaged my mother had no choice but to stay in one place. She deeply resented us for that, because she knew my father would be acting like a single man the minute he was left alone (and he did).

He tried the family life for a decade, didn't like it, got bored and decided to live as if he was single. My mother made it easy for him to do so, at the cost of her own and her children's happiness. I still wish to God she'd had the guts to cut him loose the minute he started with his selfish shit.

I don't think he needs to talk to you about his goals as pp are saying.

Marriage doesn't mean you can't spend time away with your friends and tbh, I'd rather go to the wedding by myself than with 2 little kids. I would enjoy myself a lot more and be able to relax and catch up with family.

Taking such little kids abroad is a headache and stressful...buggies.... bottles....nappy changing etc. I did it once and decided no more until they were potty trained and eating regular food...so I completely understand why he would want to go on his own.

The issue is also about balance. My DH went away on his own when the DC were kids and I did as well.

It wasn't a battle for either of us and there was no resentment. I was happy for him to go. He didn't go as many times as the list your H has though. There for seem to be a lot of trips in one year.

I find a lot of women don't want to go away on their own and leave young kids, but get annoyed when their partners do so.

Can you believe I have never met the friend he plays a sport with 5-6 times a year after being together 8 years?

I would be suspicious about this. I would also have long ago insisted on meeting him, telling your husband to invite him for dinner or whatever.

he regularly says I make his life a battle

Really? I'd be offering him a peace deal with a divorce lawyer.

It's really nasty to continually undermine your wife with talk like that.

I'm divorced and it's so much easier bringing up kids solo than have an overgrown teenager in the house.

In his head he is leaving you even if he hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. You need to work on this basis. Right now you get to practice independence. Stop seeking family time and instead think of you things. You will need to give him contact time so you should definitely plan a weekend away, just staying with a friend so he is veRy clear on what his solo parenting life will be.
If you like you could pretend you don’t know about his plans and ask if he really doesn’t think you can find money for a family holiday. That will help him have to confront the level of asshole it is to find money for his own holidays and not his family and will help clarify your mind by showing priorities. Even better if you can ask in front of his friends or parents :)

"In his head he is leaving you even if he hasn't admitted it to himself yet."

I'm thinking this too. I don't think he's admitted it to himself and doubt he ever will- he'll just continue to lead a separate life, until I pull the plug.

Bingo. Until YOU pull the plug. They always want you to do it do they can be the good guy. Oldest trick in the book. Of course if you do it then you'll leave so he's got the home and is single. Result.

Blimey, I think in your position I'd get my own action plan. Start putting aside as much money as possible in a separate savings account. Sell anything you don't need and set that money aside too. If you don't currently work, start looking at possible employment and childcare - not easy during lockdown but make some enquiries. Check out what houses like yours are worth. Find a very good solicitor - look for someone who specialises in getting the SAHP a very fair deal.
And make sure he has DC for substantial amounts of time so he gets better at parenting them single handed while you create a social life for yourself independent of him.

This is excellent advice from @monkeyonthetable. If he’s thinking of leaving then There’s no point in fighting with him about having ‘ family time’.

Get your ducks in a row. Get back to work FT and split housework and childcare with him. Get enough time alone for your hobbies.

Oh dear op. He sounds just like my ex husband. Note the word ex.
The trouble with men like this is that whilst you want to spend time together, doing things as a family, he clearly doesnt. You are a burden to him.
It's very concerning that he is trying to persuade you not to go to the wedding in Cyprus whilst he is planning to go behind your back.
I disagree with those who say lust endless away days for yourself, that isn't what you want us it. You want to go away together in a family holiday.
If you carry on doing this much separately then you may as well be a single parent. That is what I told my ex h.
My dc are older now. Looking back over photographed my eldest commented "Look mum, it was always you and us, dad was never there for us." Very telling.