Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

@Hoodlihoodlihoo
Our equality in our marriage dissipated soon after the birth of our first child.

So you decided to have another one?

Did he want children? Or did you push for them and he eventually agreed?

The drip feed of stay or split makes me feel you should be getting your finances in order. He isn’t going to be around forever.

Make your own list. Put "get a divorce" at the top.

Make a list of your own , present him with both. If dates clash , toss a coin. It's absolutely unacceptable that he gets to swan off whenever he wants and you don't.
Explain he can only do these things because you're at home with the children.
The Cyprus wedding may not even go ahead , if it does , tell him you'll go for a week and make it a family holiday.
Or tell him to bugger off altogether and he can have the kids EOW giving you free time.

The rest of the list hinges on whether you decide to stay together, or split up.
You need to face up to this.

Some people need/desire time to themselves. You might not desire it but he obviously does. Seems it’s more common among men, but mostly depends on the individual. Give as long as he wants within what’s practical work/finances wise. The proviso being of course that you get exactly the same time , which is vital. Otherwise he will owe you and you will resent each other.

I don’t see any issues with that list OP. They are his goals. They also include time with you and family. Maybe make your own list and focus on you instead?

If you knew number one would be stay together or split up, you need counselling. Try it before the inevitable happens for god's sake! The financial and emotional cost of a divorce is much pricier. Book it yourself today. Make it item 1-15 on your list for all your sakes! Tell husband you found his list and it hurt you and you'd like to try counselling to resolve this "battle".

Tell husband you found his list and it hurt you and you'd like to try counselling to resolve this "battle".

^ this is the sensible way forward to me.

If you don't want to go straight into the 'big conversation', you could start by discussing ideas for family holidays for next year. You'll probably want a longer, or better, or more holidays as a family, because of missing out this year. The time and financial implications might lead you into other discussions.

Without knowing more, my feeling is you sound quite critical & controlling.

Without knowing more, my feeling is op's husband is a selfish bastard who's a "married bachelor" and she's far too soft.

Every trip away, every day away, every time out, every jolly .. op should get equivalent.

Of course if she pushes for this and he pushes back , and it escalates, he could just walk, leaving her the resident parent and she's left with whatever time he deigns to see his own kids ..
Which.ost women would never ever do, so they suffer for having had kids with assholes like this.

Or tell him to bugger off altogether and he can have the kids EOW giving you free time.

Always said in this forum and totally irrelevant - ain't no way you can force a man to have his kids for one minute he chooses not to take them for.

Thus guy is typical of the many men who are happy to have the advantages of a family as long as their privileges, freedom, goals, leisure time, sporting time etc. are not badly affected and their wife (and wider family) take all the slack ... When single they don't act any different, in fact they usually act worse esp when they get their new girlfriend.

Op needs to start fighting for her free time equivalent to his, not he dies what he likes and she's always ol' reliable - default parent. She needs to change the dynamic .. however that will be v difficult to do and given this man's selfishness, may well end up in divorce with her even worse off. The only bargaining power she has depends on his much he doesn't want to divorce.

*how much

Op needs to start fighting for her free time equivalent to his

My sense was the OP wanted them to do more things as a family which is not unreasonable surely?

I think what you really need to decide is whether you are a 'good relationship or bust' person (willing to accept divorce and its implications), or whether you are a 'muddle and wheedle your way through life feeling resentful but just about adequately contented with your lot, most of the time, despite your many burdens', person.

Most advice on here assumes you want only a good relationship and are willing to risk divorce if that's not possible.

In real life, lots of people lack confidence, a strong sense of who they are and what they want in the world and have no expectations of life or relationships, other than muddling along feeling more or less dissatisfied.

If that's you, counselling might seem daunting and pointless.

If you do want to 'save it as something worthwhile, or face losing it' discussion, counselling could be brilliant. It will force you both to put your cards on the table and admit how they look.

I'd hand him his list and say 'I'm not going to battle you regarding any of these things, you can do all of them' then hand him your list things you'd like to do, including family time and plenty of time for yourself. Tell him 'here's my list, I hope you're going to offer me the same curtesy and not battle me on any of these things'

Why can't people at least read the OP's updates before they comment? The DH's first item was split up or stay!!!!!

OP, as the sensible posters here have told you, your DH is no longer D. He is just a husband who wants to leave you and return to his single ways but he hasn't even got the guts to talk to you face to face and tell you so he leaves you a note. Decide if you want to try to save your marriage or if you have had enough but remember he has possibly decided to leave regardless. And do not agree to stay together unless he agrees to more family time.

In your shoes, I would split because I could never be married to someone who didn't want to spend most of his free time with the family he helped to create.

@oblomov20 out of interest do you shoot down the suggestions your DH makes for things to do together?

Write your own list.
Then show it to him and prompt him to ‘write one’ (just show you his)

Then do one together of what you want as a family,

Then go through and see what really matters to you both.

Is it possible that this plan is more of a wishlist with those *battle items being a starting point for negotiation?

Obviously the use of the word 'battle' does indicate a bit of an unhealthy attitude and also that you both need to sit down and work out what each of your expectations are and what's fair. It doesn't sound like he particularly enjoys spending time with you. In which case, some work on your relationship may be required but that would obviously require him to prioritise it.

Indie
God No! I say yes to everything!

I can see why you might drip feed in that maybe you thought people might happen to say whether you should stay together or split up, helping you form your own opinion- maybe?

It's not a matter of not happening to include everything; that's only one sentence and pretty crucial.

With the top bit the list must've been really upsetting to find.

It reads like him deciding whether to stay or go, based on that he'll have to 'battle' to do so many things you want to do (which I don't necessarily see as unfair of you; it is a use of time, money, not prioritizing you at those times, and leaving you with the DC. You're as entitled to your feelings about his planned activities as a person as he is.)

What matters is how much these things are red lines for both of you- for him, the obstruction and battle for things he wants to do, for you, the impact of his plans, and the battles, on your relationship and family life.

Given the top of his list is whether to split up or not, it would be very stressful for you to feel the power to decide that is all in his hands (you say that you also feel that way about his planned activities and their impact on you and the family.)

I would take control of that decision and finish with him, I like to think. Otherwise, any time you disagree with him about a planned activity, it'll be very stressful, worrying how your response to him might lead to him deciding to split.

More recent commenters have presumably only red the original post, so they haven't seen that he began it with considering whether you should stay together or split.

I think I probably was @NoMoreDickheads- to see other people's take on his choices despite the split/stay together aim at the top and whether the rest of the list sheds light on his overall decision.

I am already starting to make decisions of my own. For me, the list was indicative of his desire to split and be able to pursue life as he fancies it.

It's interesting to se whether other people's boundaries lie with regards to his list too. I wish it were just a wishlist but it is genuinely a list of his intentions for the year. I feel rubbish that I'm the "battle" preventing his freedom.

He is missing out on enjoying me and us. He thinks enjoyment can only come from freedom from us it seems.

I would be very hurt too OP

Men who view their family as the obstacle to their ‘real’ lives of fun and freedom do not make good fathers or husbands. Does he seem to enjoy parenting? How would he cope if you went away for five days and left him to it?