Found his 2020 "Action Plan"

[Hoodlihoodlihoo]

We have 2 young kids and we have been having relationship problems for a while. I then came across his action plan for 2020 whilst tidying my office- it was inside a notebook of his and it fell out.

There are 15 things on the list.
-Lose weight
-DIY jobs

• career goals etc

-Lower mortgage payments

• sort finances

Out of 15 items, two items involve leisure time as us as a family and only 1 item involves us as a couple.

A massive 8 items are things HE wants to do that involve hobbies/friends, time away. All of which have the word BATTLE written next to them. This is no doubt referring to me making these things a battle for him to do.

Of the items, there is a 5 day stag-do abroad, a golfing weekend, six 12 hour hobby events and a 4 day abroad holiday to his Uncles wedding in Cyprus with the intention of him attending this alone (much to my surprise!)

There is 1 goal for us as a couple- 1 night away in a city.

Us having young children has made certain events difficult for him to attend over the last year, hence him perceiving them a battle to attend them (he definitely means a battle with me, he regularly says I make his life a battle) . I'm very upset he sees it this way, it's just the demands of young family life that has made things difficult to do at times. I have no issues about him doing things he wants to do, but it just hasn't been possible sometimes and I have found life with 2 young DCs exhausting, I have also suffered with my health in the last year, making it even harder. We discussed prior to DC2s birth about how restrictions on our freedom are short lived when you have a baby. But that things would ease the older the DCs got.

However, he clearly just thinks I'm stopping him from doing what he wants.

What hurts me the most though is that he began the year with a list of goals, 8 of which are about his hobbies and going away, leaving me with young kids for pong periods atleast 3 times in the year 2020.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just taking the piss? Considering we have no money for a family holiday abroad, he was planning on going abroad twice this year without us.

What would you be thinking/feeling?

I haven't been able to have much freedom due to breastfeeding over the last 18 months and now obviously lockdown, which has also scuppered all his plans. I feel completely taken for granted that he assumes I'm just going to solo parent our children whilst he's off fulfilling his solo bucketlist abroad whilst we stay at home. And then the whole "battle"thing.

Am I reading too much in to this?

Pre-lockdown I'd just joined a gym and was planning my first weekend away with a friend since having children, so I think I'd naturally started to carve out a seperate life as I was getting fed up of feeling like we were living separate lives.
Obviously, lockdown scuppered all of that. BUT, I'm finding life so much easier in lockdown as he can't get up and leave for a weekend whilst I single-handedly juggle young children. He has also been more engaged in family life and seems happy living like this. So, his desire for so much escapism is even more surprising as he seems quite happy at home.
I also forgot to mention that his 12 hour hobby days away take sometimes, up to 5 days preparation for where he has to spend time away from the family home doing work on his car prior to the race. He will use some evenings doing the work when the DCs are in bed, but we don't get much time as a couple prior to a race. So, his list/hobbies really do take away a LOT of family time/ couple time.
I know as soon as lockdown is over, HE'LL be creating more battles for his freedom and I do intend on carving out a separate life now that DC2 is sleeping better. Prior to this year, I've just felt too exhausted to do anything other than bring up the children. I used to go to bed at 8.30pm as the nights were so disrupted. I think it's very difficult for mothers to carve out fulfilling social lives/hobbies when there are young, demanding children at home. It's such a shame that some men can't understand this and put their independent social lives on hold a little just for a short time whilst babies are very young.
I've asked him a few times not to do something when I've been at breaking point and needed support,but he goes ahead and does it anyway. When I was heavily pregnant and ill with a sickness bug and water infection, he still went to the pub and left me to look after DC1. He finds me a "battle" because I now get so anxious when he has a big event/ social commitment where he'll be gone for a long period of time, that more times than not, I end up being ill just before/ at the time of the event.
Last week, I had a late request for a work meeting on a day he had arranged to play golf and he told me I needed to tell them I couldn't make the meeting. He wanted me to lie and say that DH had a meeting first. He is very protective of his free time, which for me, causes a lot of stress and anxiety and he will never cancel or rearrange if there is a family or work emergency. He once sulked at me for 2 weeks because I was working on one of his hobby days. I said I'd try to rearrange my hours, but couldn't in the end. He was livid.
I guess this is another reason that finding the list has bothered me.

Your update says it all, he obvs thinks he and his 'free' time is more important then you and his kids.
What kind of man leaves his pregnant ill wife and their child to go to the pub???
A selfish one.
Is this the marriage and life you really want OP?? Being anxious because of how your partner behaves?? Because of a man? No man is worth that.

PP's suggestions are amusing, but as someone else said I don't think you should put on a 'performance' that takes hours and stuff.

When I was heavily pregnant and ill with a sickness bug and water infection, he still went to the pub and left me to look after DC1.

This is really mean of him.

He finds me a "battle" because I now get so anxious when he has a big event/ social commitment where he'll be gone for a long period of time, that more times than not, I end up being ill just before/ at the time of the event.

Is there some reason the children are particularly difficult? SEN or something? Or is part of what's causing you anxiety that these trips etc let you know he is not prioritizing you?

Last week, I had a late request for a work meeting on a day he had arranged to play golf and he told me I needed to tell them I couldn't make the meeting

It's work! That is just ridiculous of him.

The children dont have to have SEN for the OP to want a bit more support. I very much doubt the pub visit was a one off.
They are his kids too. He created them too.
OP he will not change, it's what you do now that is important. Change things for you. Don't be with a man that doesn't give a crap about you.

Oh he sounds awful. I think you should cut this one loose. Really. He's never going to come good and leaving you like that is disgraceful. Can it be worse than being a single mum? I doubt it.

He almost certainly wrote the list pre/early lockdown and the irony is that he probably IS enjoying family life more now. But the pub and hobby to the extent he takes it and the not caring would be deal breakers for me I'm afraid.

He doesn't need to grow up. He needs to be a whole different person.

When I was heavily pregnant and ill with a sickness bug and water infection, he still went to the pub and left me to look after DC1.
My Dh has had the odd moment like this. Frankly next time he’s sick I’m going to hand the kids over to him, I've told him this has weakened our marriage and if it doesn’t change it will end it, a I signed up for in sickness and in health. Not to look after him when sick and to carry on solo parenting while he fucks off to have fun when I’m sick, theres no point waiting till we are old to end a marriage that’s obviously failed, and for me that is a fail. Yours sounds like it’s failed too, but you’ve tried hard enough I think.

Golf AND motorsports with young children? He's having a fucking laugh. Both of those are the most time intensive hobbies out there. And expensive. What next, scuba diving in Scotland every weekend? I will never know why men like this bother having kids. He didn't have to, no one made him.

And the golf so you can't work thing is just appalling.

Funny this is if you leave and have 50/50 he will have no time or money. But you will.

@vodkacranberryplease this is the first time I've actually divulged his main hobby on MN for fear of outing. I've posted numerous times before. People always assume its cycling and can't understand why his particular hobby takes up SO much time. It's not really a hobby but a whole lifestyle, the travelling is immense, it's time consuming and also extremely tiring. If he is away one weekend racing, he is exhausted for a whole week and wants to spend the weekend after recuperating. This means less family time, although he will happily lie on the sofa watching a film with DCs. It's all too much.
He also likes to go to the pub one evening a month (I have no issue with this at all) but added on to EVERYTHING else, it is unbelievable the amount of time he actually needs of our family calender. I've probably drip fed again, but there are certain things I've not wanted to divulge unless I've felt it necessary at the time.

Hang on, so he needs to 'recuperate' for an entire weekend, when in perfect health, a week after a 2 days of racing BUT you are ok to be ill, heavily pregnant and look after his child? Fuck that shit OP!

He never ever admits to needing to recuperate and will just say "oh I just fancy a weekend at home with our family" etc, but I know it's because he's insanely tired from working all week and having little sleep from his previous hobby weekend and lots of travelling. Sometimes he has a mild injury too. So after a weekend of being home alone with the kids, I'm excited to get out the following weekend and he just wants to stay at home "resting."
It's really not as cut and dry as him having a bit of free time for his hobby and returning to family life, there are consequences that seem to affect us all afterwards.
If course I could take the DCs out for the day by myself but qirh 2 stroppy toddlers- its double the work.

He's the gift that keeps on giving isn't he? He's not there and when he is he stops you from having any fun. I think that between you there's no love lost. He's looking for a way out and you are getting the short end of the stick here.

He's not giving up his hobbies and he's not interested in what you all have to offer unless it's a place for him to rest, watch tv, get fed. He's making precisely no effort for you or the children.

How do you feel about that? Do you want yo keep ticking along like that? Though he's planning to have 'more fun' and more free time and more money and be fitter - So I think there's obviously women/a woman at these weekends.

I doubt there's a woman or women involved at the moment. He just hasn't quite grown up.

That’s what I think too. Women are involved somewhere. I recognise this behaviour and it’s never great. Your birthday doesn’t count and neither does your company. He’s more interested in what’s elsewhere and I bet he’s been prompted to make a list of goals by a “concerned” female friend. That’s why it doesn’t include you and is all about time away from you. Plus the losing weight. Plus sorting the finances. All red glowing warning signs. He’s plotting.

There might not be a woman who is sleeping with him but I think a women is pulling some strings. Men who are not grown up often are grown up enough for predatory women. They take care of them and listen to them and advise them. They become a “mum” and adviser. Then they get into bed with them - to comfort them.

If there is a woman then she can have him. He's hardly a catch.
Think of a life you could with someone who cared about you OP.
He doesn't care, he's your husband and doesn't care.

I for one am looking forward on your behalf to when he is separated and solo parenting on one of his ‘recuperating’ weekends.

It sounds like he has more of an avoident attachment style & you are anxious. You admit that you experience anxiety over him not wanting enough family time, to the point you’re making yourself literally sick with worry when he has particular events planned.

That could potentially come off looking manipulative. Also begging/pleading/nagging is getting you the opposite of what you want so you’d be better off drastically changing YOUR REACTION which is the only thing you can control here.

It sounds like you’re not really the ideal people for each other/this may not be the best relationship for either of you if he’s trying to avoid you & you’re hypersensitive everytime he wants some me time.

It sound like your identity is caught up on motherhood possibly to an unhealthy degree? You describe your role in a martyr way, that you can’t leave the children & it’s too hard to do your own thing with fussy & demanding toddlers. However if carving out you time was important to you, then it could be done. I think you prefer a “love language” of spending time together as being high up on your list of love language.

When he wants his own time it’s now become of cycle that you interpret this as rejection. This kickstarts behaviour which your partner sees as offputting or repelling him even further.

We talk about getting “the ick” here - personally seems like he may have or be starting to get “the ick” with you & there is no coming back from that long term.

Instead of pleading, crying, begging it may help to go all 90s Destiny’s Child independent Woman on him & STOP behaving in a needy type manner. It sounds like you have the kids’ needs covered without him there anyways. You do not need him, you may want him around but it’s not a genuine need if he is not really even present when he is there.

Also being able to have a laugh together about shitty aspects of parenting is important. You seem to resent he isn’t enjoying family time, yet admit that coping with both of your demands demanding toddlers without him there too is twice the work. So family time isn’t all sunshine & rainbows buggies type commercial you seem to feel he should view it as.

He may be more interested when kids are older possibly ? Toddlers are hard work !

Did he have this hobby /passion when you met ? Were you aware he needed lots of recharge time ? As an introvert your approach would not work for me, however also understand how lovely it is to feel like you have someone to face the world together United is !

But you also have this strength within yourself & do not need this man the way you think you do ! I would prepare for this to not work out as it does sound like he is getting “the ick”.

Hope it works out for you either way

@Hoodlihoodlihoo I did write a post but it seems to have disappeared.

Are you the poster, whose DH is much older than you and your youngest is a very young toddler?

Anyway, what are you getting out of this relationship aside from stress, anxiety, the majority parenting/wife work? All whilst, he peruses his hobbies (golf etc) and when he is at home wants to rest..

He doesn’t sound very nice and is so entitled. He’s asked you to lie so that you didn’t have to attend a work meeting, so that he could play golf and uses sulking to get his own way. No wonder, you walk on egg shells. All this just demonstrates is that you are just there to facilitate his life.

He wants to leave. So set him free.

Your life will be so much better without this dead weight hanging onto you.

Of course toddlers are hard work. Maybe he'll be interested in the children when the are older?? They are tiny humans, not objects.
Resent him for having hobbies?
What a load of shit.
Of course parenting isn't all sunshine and rainbows. He is a GROWN MAN who chose to have children!!!!
Yes stop pleading with him
Yes stop being 'needy' (cos god forbid, your needs are heard or valid). Nothing will change because he is too selfish and he does not care.
This will not change until you make the steps to live your own life without him.

OP after reading through your various updates I’m genuinely at a loss as to why you haven’t left him already. He sounds utterly, utterly awful. If my husband went out socialising while I was ill and struggling with the kids, we’ll lets just say there would be a bag waiting on the doorstep when he got back. You don’t need to put up with this sort of relationship, you do know? You’re already effectively a single parent because you don’t have a partner that you can rely on. So why not rip of the plaster and just get on with your own life. You’ll probably find he’s then in pieces realising what he’s lost but hey ho, that’s his burden to live with. Imagine the joy of carving out your own happy life and potentially meeting an actual decent partner one day, one that actually likes and respects you bad your kids. Why would you sabotage your chances of happiness by living this miserable half life with a pathetic man child who has one foot out of the door?

Don’t leave this man OP. All it will achieve is that you’ll end up poorer and with 100% of the childcare. He is the kind of shit that would just not show up when it is his turn to have the kids. Is that really better than what you have now? Start keeping an hours tally chart on the fridge - his free time vs your free time. Make sure it is at eye level, and easy to read. Then don’t say a fucking word about it.

What a depressing way to have a marriage KittyKattyKate.
He won't read the 'tally' or give a shit.

I do agree with Kitty though in that he won't do his share of childcare and you will need to be prepared to be a full time single parent if you leave.

You can't make someone take their kids every other weekend OP so he will still need his recovery weekend after his hobby weekend the one before.

Awful advice.
Stay in an unhappy marriage because he may not fulfill his childcare if you split? The child care he's not doing now anyway?
Instead, leave and find happiness (it will happen, happiness is out there) or stay and live with this crap.
If they're married, she won't be poorer. She will find good legal advice.