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Original poster

Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

566 replies

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 09:54

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

OP posts:
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herewegoagain123456 · 01/06/2020 10:08

I have recently just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. It's hard. He's still not leaving me alone.

Only advice is block and don't listen to the hoover tactics.

Do you live together?

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 10:15

@herewegoagain123456
Hi thanks for your reply.
Did you still have feelings for him?
We have been together 4 years but don't live together, he was never ready x

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 10:20

Dont walk, run.

Yeah, block all contact completely. And keep reading up on narcissists. There are good youtube vloggers on the subject. Being aware of all the sorts of hoovering tactics they might try to use may be helpful.

I recon he will try to use the kids..maybe saying you owe it to him to see them or talk with them about the split ect... you certainly don't.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 10:21

*to let him see

anotherdisaster · 01/06/2020 10:22

You are in a prime position to end things because you don't live together. The best way to motivate yourself to get rid of him is to think of your kids. Do you want a narcissist in their life? Do you want them thinking this is a normal, loving relationship?

FromRockBottom · 01/06/2020 10:59

I think my ext was a narcissist , I'm much earlier than you though , five months . So I don't know if what I have to say is relevant .

I read an article and it said if you're the one to walk away from a narcissist then well done because it feels like you are giving up part of your heart . Something like that anyway . And that's what it feels like for me .

Prepare to have a lot of realisations , rethinking the way things were said or done . Just like , you could never understand why he reacted the way he did and it dawns on you , he reacted like that because he was trying to make you feel like nothing. He seemed happy when you were upset? You weren't imagining it . He was .....

herewegoagain123456 · 01/06/2020 11:01

@Nursing2029

Yes...I still loved him so much. More than anyone I have ever loved. It killed me to leave him....but it was killing me more the longer I stayed.

I also didn't live with him and have kids (not with him luckily)

I tried to leave him over 10 times before I knew he was a narcissist and did my research. The research showed me it wasn't love it was a trauma bond and this helped me leave for good.

I also recommend researching on YouTube as much as you can.

But u have to block everywhere...any new numbers, block, and letters just put in a box and don't read them.

They are very manipulative. I didn't realise this until I did my research.

FromRockBottom · 01/06/2020 11:04

Have you ever given up an addiction . I smoked for a few years when I was young and stupid . This feels so much harder than that . Prepare yourself , read, post , do whatever you need to to get through the day . If he is a narcissist he's been abusing you for four years . Don't underestimate that . But you can do this , you have so many reasons to get him out of your life.

Be nice and polite to him, finish it , then block him . On everything . It will be hard , very hard . You might feel sick and scared . I did , but I'm five days in and I feel terrible but I still feel better.

NoMoreDickheads · 01/06/2020 12:55

Just block him on everything and keep it that way. You may still have feelings but you're doing the right thing.

You could write a list of all the unpleasant things he did and look at it when you feel uncertain.

Best wishes. xxx

Oh and for me once I realized what the person was like the love was gone. You could keep reminding yourself that you can't even say there was anything nice about the relationship or him, because all of that could've been fake to get whatever he wanted. You can't trust him.

AgentJohnson · 01/06/2020 12:56

He may be a narcissist or he may not be one but the problem with the armchair diagnosis, is that it just another opportunity to surrender power to the other party. Which is a pattern of behaviour, which only you can change.

Don’t make this about him, make this about you choosing a better life.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:15

@Bunnymumy
Thanks:)
I can't tell you the difference this has made just talking to you guys. I feel like I have a choice.

Thank you so so much x

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:19

@herewegoagain123456
Thanks for your reply. There is so much comfort in knowing this is not me.
I feel drained around him but too tired to deal with the split, pathetic I know.
I feel a million miles away from me :( x

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:23

@FromRockBottom
Wow so it's still very raw for you. How did he react?
It has been years I was weak for 2 years after my divorce and he took advantage of that, the minute I got stronger he ramped it up but always made out it was me.
Even when i was upset about other things he got angry at me.
Thanks for your honesty.
Posting on here has made me feel so differently about the situation xx

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:26

@NoMoreDickheads
Thanks for the advice. This is so helpful, I feel like I can do this. And for me that is a huge step forward.

I have spent years thinking it was me and everything he was doing was normal.
I even think he was sexting people at one point.
I should have known by the defensive reaction to everything that I was right.
I appreciate this so much. No doubt I will be posting again as this advice and support is great xx

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:28

@AgentJohnson
Thanks for your reply.
This guy is something else, has eroded any confidence I had left. I appreciate your view on this and its really helpful, I have no idea why I let him have this power xx

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/06/2020 13:32

It's a long journey. Start it now. x

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 13:36

@OhioOhioOhio
Thanks, I am getting there. For some reason I feel scared to make the final jump x

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herewegoagain123456 · 01/06/2020 14:14

It is scary....but so worth it.

I am on week 3 of him being blocked and it gets easier each day that goes past

Bathbedandbeyond · 01/06/2020 14:19

I’m more than a year on, he’s still in the background and it’s an arms length friendship.. and I’m madly in love with someone else. He’s devastated, alone and miserable. I couldn’t take the idealisation, devalue and discard anymore. It was killing me. It feels so good to be in love with an emotionally stable adult again Grin

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 14:35

@Bathbedandbeyond
Good for you:) that sounds nice.
This is going to sound so bad but I want him to be miserable, he has made me feel awful. He even turned intimacy into something that he made out he was doing as a favour and i was lucky to have him.
This is a horrible place to be, you have given me hope x

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 14:37

@herewegoagain123456
Did he take it well?
I get to a point where I can see myself doing it then anxiety takes over but the anxiety he causes is crippling too x

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Bathbedandbeyond · 01/06/2020 14:44

Nursing2029 I genuinely never thought I’d get over the narcissist, I thought that he was ‘the one’ Blush the first time I had an orgasm with someone else I cried because it wasn’t with him ConfusedBlushGrin it was such a long road, but the narcissist missing me, comparing new partners to me and generally struggling to find someone that could equal me (in his head) has given me closure. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough for him, he’s broken and will never be able to sustain a relationship with anyone. He’s recently told me that I’ll always be his unfulfilled love, which is sad for him, but not at all sad for me as I am in a relationship with the best man I have ever met.

Eventually you’ll feel nothing for him except fleeting sadness and relief that he’s no longer destroying your emotional wellbeing.

You’ll get there OP, but it’s a long road FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 14:50

@Bedbathandbeyond
This offers me such hope, thank you.
He is the first man I have felt so much desire for. The thought of not being like that with him causes me physical pain as does the thought of him being with someone else.
I thought he was the one too and keep hoping he will change.
What I expect from him has diminished, I find I am pleased by the most tiny things because he has made it this way xx

OP posts:
herewegoagain123456 · 01/06/2020 15:41

No he hasn't taken it at all. Won't leave me alone but I have realised that's because he hates loosing control not because he loves me.

So I've taken back my control and I am so much happier for it.

I have been trying to end things with him for over a year....but this time is different I am better off without him and you will feel that eventually too

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 15:45

@herewegoagain123456

Thanks:)
It has ended so many times and I keep wanting him back, fear of change i think.
This relationship was right after my last and I feel a bit scared of being on my own xx

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