Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

@FromRockBottom
Why did he tell you not to reply immediately?
These people are really something else.
Best of it is he studied behavioural science at uni.
The mind boggles xx

I have a thread , it's been moved to OTBT ( off the beaten track). It's called , " been asked not to text as much.... ". But basically he said he wanted me to pause before replying to his text because he felt like he had to respond straight away ... And he didn't want to feel bad about that , so if I waited a while then he wouldn't feel guilty ... So basically . I get a text , wait an hour to text back , then he texts straight away and I have to wait an hour to text back... He doesn't feel guilty! I've however spent my whole day wondering if it's okay to text .

@FromRockBottom
That's awful.
If I dare ask why he didn't reply I get to hear all about it.
Although when I am in his company he replies to people straight away.
If it's one of his Facebook posts he has to reply straight away to people. If I point out the difference on how he treats me as opposed to other people he goes mad.
He is always too busy for me. Xx

This is a classic abuse tactic . I know this well , have talked about it in counselling actually . Everyone is higher up than you and don't you forget it!!! It's a big red flag .

And it's something I also saw with my ex , neighbours or coworkers or even chires were more important than me.

I told him once I understood that his son, his work and his home were all more important than me but I thought he was trying to make me feel like a random stranger he passed on the street was also more important . And you know what , he didn't disagree!! Bastard .

Chores*

@FromRockBottom
Sounds so familiar.
He always says he isn't the priority and makes a big deal of saying that but if I make plans that are slightly out of the time he was thinking I hear all about it.
He flipped one day because I asked what he was looking at on his phone, it wasn't even in a nosey way I was only making conversations.
We could write a book on this xx

You deserve so much better than that xxx

@FromRockBottom gosh yes so it is. My ex biz partner used to do this. He would ask everyone to contribute 'feedback' to anything I did but everything he did was a dictatorship. Everyone's opinion mattered except mine. Everyone's needs were more important. He acted as if he was a caring guy and I was just selfish. People lapped it up - who doesn't want to be told how fabulously clever they are?

I am the arsey type with people that give me shit so I complained publically, loudly. But even now my staff think they have the right to get involved with things they don't understand - one started yesterday in fact and got a lecture about how it was a ex biz partner tactic and I'd been proven right but had had to put up with 2 years of shot on that topic.

Very difficult to counter when people are gaining at your expense as they believe they are indeed incredibly insightful instead of seeing it for what it is. The staff member in question is lovely, but even the good ones get sucked in. Ugh.

OP it's just another stupid fucking game. Not unique to your situation or to you, just another tactic from the handbook.

@FromRockBottom
Thanks, starting to realise that :)
It's weird what you start to accept x

Just to say , this is similar to what he was also doing when he was telling you he was talking to attractive women.... Different forms of the same thing . All intended to keep you controllable and malleable and feel grateful that you have him .

He sounds incredibly abusive and manipulative .

@FromRockBottom
He made me feel like I was just being sensitive about all that.
It's certainly a lesson learned.
He is , he is quite aggressive with it too.
Never hit me but I have ended up on the floor a couple of times and had a sizeable bruise where he grabbed me x

@Vodkacranberryplease
Wow, I hope you are ok.
I dont understand why people can't see that they are behaving like that. X

@Vodkacranberrypleaseodka

That is so bloody frustrating , some business partner !! I'm so glad he was an ex ....

With me , my mum used to do it except it was people in the street . Say she asked for advice on where to go on holiday ( hypothetical) and I said Las Vegas looked like an amazing place to visit , she would ask everybody else , they would naturally disagree with their opinions (which is fine( and she would give me a huge list of reasons why their opinions were more valid and I'm an idiot . I got I qualified everything I said with "this is just my opinion and I'm not very knowledgeable...." This is just a small taste but it grinds you down . It's invalidation . And it's damaging .

And I think you are amazing and I'm aspiring to be arsey like you lol

Oh yeah that things a bell! Having to say 'it's just my opinion' and 'I dont know much but...' ect...basically having to appear very very humble or like you think you are a bit thick, before saying anything. It becomes a habit because youd rather rare yourself down than have them do it. Be ause when they belittle you it hurts more. But basically, that's you then trained to put yourself down.

I noticed I still did this for years after. Am also aware that when I do it now, it's often because subconsciously I've picked up on the fact that I am speaking to someone...of their kind. Or have bern recently. So it can act as an early warning system.

*rings a bell

One of the interesting things about this though is they become quite blatant. I was constantly amazed by it - to me he thought I was either thick or weak and I couldn't work out which. I got a solicitor (far later than I should) got rid and am now about to change the company structure so he has nothing. He knows I will too. He feels sorry for himself.

Their self pity is unbelievable. Just incredible. It takes a while to get over though, so prepare for it and dont blame yourself. It's not you it's him!!!!

[quote Nursing2029]@FromRockBottom
He made me feel like I was just being sensitive about all that.
It's certainly a lesson learned.
He is , he is quite aggressive with it too.
Never hit me but I have ended up on the floor a couple of times and had a sizeable bruise where he grabbed me x[/quote]
This is really bad , he used his physical strength to control you . This man is abusing you and you are being abused . And he's doing it in an incredibly controlling , insidious and underhand way so you didn't even know what was happening .

You know the films and TV programmes of the seventies that depicted a man beating up his wife as abuse, and that was what abuse was?

Well they were wrong . What is happening to you ( besides the time he was aggressive and actually bruised you!!) is just as bad , maybe worse , definitely worse .

I'm sorry that happened . It sounds scary .

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks:)
Yeah I have heard all about the self pity.
He was the victim in his last relationship.
He is always skint unless he wants to do something.
He gets mixed up with his lies sometimes which is quite amusing.
He always needs to talk about himself.
I have a conditional offer for uni and hope to get in.
I was talking about how I was feeling about leaving work without being back in the office.
His response - dont leave then.
He is so arrogant, he corrects the way I speak sometimes too . X

@FromRockBottom
He has totally made me feel like it's me all of it.
I dont react to him and he hates it. It hasn't happened for a while.
It took me nearly 3 years to see it happening x

It's not you , and it never was you . He is trying to break you . I think they do that so they can walk away and you're the crazy one . I need to go out for a while but I will post later xxxx

@Fromrockbottom
Thanks. He has been close to it.
This is definitely helping x

So much of this resonates

I'm coming to the horrible realisation that I have moved from a narc xh to a slightly different kind of narc dp. Everything's fine as long as life is on his terms and I'm smiling and not asking anything of him. He arrives to stay, usually bringing food and drink items for him alone and doesn't lift a finger unless asked several times. (Always on a work call or email or lying down as exhausted)

Begrudges getting in the brand of milk I like at his because it's 20p more than the standard stuff but thinks nothing of blowing £££ on gig and sports tickets. Redecorates his place every 5 minutes on a whim at considerable cost. Spends ages dragging me round shopping for stuff that he gives to charity weeks later.

Trying to get him to help in the kitchen goes like this -
Me - please could you chop the carrots / put the oven on / bring in the potatoes from the outside fridge
Him - banging, huffing, moaning he can't find something, I have too much stuff in my house, turning the grill on by accident, spilling something
Me - don't bother, I'll do it (I know)
Him - you just can't help yourself can you? You're such a control freak
Him - happily vanishes to watch Netflix/deal with urgent work calls until dinner magically appears on the table. Sits there afterwards until I ask him to clear. Soaks everything within 5m in soap suds and leaves it all out to dry. (A cardinal sin at his.)

Addressed this shit at the weekend for the eleventy millionth time and got told it's because I give him too many instructions, I shout (I do not) and I just need to tell him exactly what to do. This gave me the lightbulb moment I needed that this is a shit way to live and I have no desire for my life to carry on in this way any longer. I had exactly this with xh - a sudden, calm burst of clarity.

I will not be seeing him now until after lockdown and am just deciding when the big conversation will be. He can be such good company (can't they all) is respectful in many ways and bright and witty but this shit is utterly exhausting and I'd be far better off without catering for a man child.

@carlywurly
On my god.
This is exactly the shit I have to put up with, although mine has no pride in his place.. its downright dirty most of the time to be honest.
He always says he can't find what he needs to help me with ie chopping board or knife, my kitchen is tiny not far to look.
He then moans that I have too much in my cupboards and fridge.
Moaned at me for wanting the expensive potatoes in aldi.
If he does the dishes he continually says I have done YOUR dishes. Infuriates me.

But the sitting on the couch as he is exhausted- everyday. Needs to.put his feet up.

Anytime I need help I have to ask - he said he needs to know exactly what i need him to do.

I am exactly the same, he is good company and fun sometimes but the rest isn't a way to live, its exhausting.
It all has to be his way.
His favourite phrase when we need to go and pick up my kids is what is the timetable.
I hope you are ok, this shit can't be normal.x

Carly a big conversation with a narc is a recipe for disaster. When you choose to walk away you'll get beat results by keeping it as small as possible. "This isn't working for me. It's me not you. It's over. All the best for the future. I prefer a clean break so won't be in contact again" By phone or message is best. Remember normal human rules like break up face to face is best don't apply with a narc.

BEST results I meant.