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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

566 replies

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 09:54

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

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herewegoagain123456 · 01/06/2020 16:01

Yes I totally get that as that was exactly me.

But I now prefer being on my own than having him around x

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 16:07

@herewegoagain123456

Thanks. The support has been amazing, I hopefully will make these steps soon and never meet anyone like this again xx

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AgentJohnson · 01/06/2020 17:19

I have no idea why I let him have this power

But there is a reason and you need to make the investment to find out why. If not; then even if you finally get rid of this twat; you’d probably attract another one.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 17:33

@AgentJohnson

That is probably very true, I appreciate your honesty.
He is a piece of work, don't want another like him

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Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 17:43

Not necessarily. Once I realised what they were and how to spot them I stopped attracting them. Well, I still see them about but it doesnt matter now - cause I know to run away the second I see the signs xD

There is a misconception that there has to be something up with you to attract them. That's not always the case. Narcissists really are not fussy.

They are expert manipulators and all it takes is time and proximity for them to break anyone down. Infact, some of them particularly like happy, confident people because it gives them more of a power high to be able to gain control over them.

Once you know how to spot them, that's the majority of the battle. Once you realise that not everyone is like you, a lot of people are rotten, that change in perspective can mean all the difference.

But tbf, sometimes there are things you have to look inwards on. Sometimes there are codependency issues that need to be worked through for example.

But it's not fair to say op is the reason she attracts narcissists. Anyone can attract narcissists.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 17:51

I dont know if I worded that well. But basically I'm saying, anyone can attract them. And the reason you let them stay longer than they should can just be a combination of being a nice person yourself so just assuming the best in others (especially those who are supposed to care about you). And the fact that is all they need to then get their claws in.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 19:09

@Bunnymumy
It was worded perfectly. Thanks:)
I think I do have some issues to work through, not sure if they are a result of the narcissist.
Xx

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TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 19:22

When you think of how you feel, how to end it, how he feels etc. try thinking a different way.

It is like you are an alcoholic and he is vodka.

The vodka was fun at first, getting silly then having a bit of a hangover was OK. Unfortunately you turned into a habitual user. An alcoholic. You are addicted. You think of how to get your next drink all the time.

Recently you woke up, realised what you have sleep walked into and have decided to kick the drink.

Do you worry about all the poor pub landlords and how they'll feel? Do you worry about how the distillery will cope? Would you recommend keeping visiting the pubs but planning to drink only water? Would you bring vodka into your house?

No of course not. You would go teetotal and avoid like the plague alcohol, anywhere with alcohol and anyone who is your drinking buddy.

Easy.

Would you expect it to be easy? Would you recommend waiting until you think it will be easy? Would you keep drinking because some days you expect it to be hard? Would you keep drinking because your drinking buddies want you to get hammered with them? Keep drinking because if you stop they'll say you are no fun any more, because they'll say you are over reacting you don't need to drink less or even come to the pub and just have an orange juice it'll be fine.

No you wouldn't. You'd expect it to be rough. You'd plan a support network. You'd do courses and listen to podcasts etc to keep you going one day at a time.

Ending it with a narcissist is the same. Junkie getting clean rules apply. You can do it.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 20:22

@TorkTorkBam
I really appreciate that you have taken the time to explain it like this..its exactly how I feel.
It's a horrible addiction too.
I know I don't t need him but can't help myself.
Thank you so much xx

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TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 20:36

You CAN help yourself. People kick habits all the time. Of course you can do it.

Prepare some support tools and people a little bit then cut him off cold. Total block instantly.

It will be a bit shit while you heal but you can get over it. People do all the time. You are people. You can do it.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 20:43

@TorkTorkBam
Thanks. Speaking to people on here is helping so much.
I have been burying my head in the sand for a long time, clinging to memories.

I have a conditional uni offer to look forward to in September and my head is constantly filled with what is he doing or what is he going to do. And not in a possessive way more worry of how he is going to hurt me.
Thanks so much for your comments.

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Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 21:43

Would be good if you can move away for uni :)

If you delete and block him then theres not much he can do. I mean you dont stay with him or work with him right? So once you decide it is done, it really is done. I mean he might find other ways to contact you (long rambelling posted letters are common) but generally speaking, if you keep ignoring them, they eventually go away.

And you wont be able to see his next 'gf' (victim) if you block his social media.

A few weeks of highs and lows and that should be that. Not that that's to be sniffed at of course. But it's perfectly do able.

What I found hard for a while was that I was so used to the highs and lows. And having his moods and words governing my state of mind. So it definately felt like withdrawal symptoms on initially leaving. Like my body has gone into shock.

But then one day I woke up and all I felt was anger. Anger that I had allowed this to happen. And after that I was fine :) Bloody angry for a long time. But clear headed and happy to be free.

RIP the bandage off. You can do it xx

Immigrantsong · 01/06/2020 21:46

Narcissists tend to partner with co dependent people, hence why you are struggling to let go. By getting to the bottom of why you chose him and why you are so attached, will ensure you avoid further toxicity. I wish you all the best.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 21:48

Narcissists can CAUSE codependency. It isnt always the egg that comes first.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 21:55

@Bunnymumy
We dont live together, he was never ready. Thankfully.
We worked in the same office but we are all at home now and fingers crossed I meet my conditions for uni and I get in.
He lives far enough away not to be a problem.
It's so scary how he has taken over and how I have let him.
He constantly plays games with me, even to the basic things like not getting back in contact.with him.
He never tells me he loves me or pays me any compliments etc.
We split up a few months back and it was like shock and pain and I panicked and we got back together.
I feel a bit disappointed with myself. I have a chidren, not with him and he couldn't care less about them most of the time.
Thanks for your reply xx

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Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 21:59

@Immigrantsong
Thanks for your reply.
He seemed to dig his claws in when I was going through a divorce, anytime I got stronger he pulled me back down..didn't notice this at the time. X

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Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 22:02

@Bunnymumy
Thanks:)
I was strong when I met him, the divorce wore me down and then be definitely made me feel like I needed him.
When I look back I can see this.
Always telling me he was talking to attractive women
Always me doing the running. I feel angry now :( x

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Vodkacranberryplease · 01/06/2020 22:04

You can spare yourself his games for a while by simply fading away. By the time he realises you'll feel stronger. Buy time if he texts you asking why you didn't reply with 'sorry, so busy!' Etc. Don't admit you've broken up just say things like 'no, I'm fine, all good, just busy!'

At least then you don't have to get his headfucks for a while. THEN block him 😁😁😁

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 22:09

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks- I have been trying to detach my emotions from him but I am finding it hard.
This is a really good idea. He is a headfuck.
According to him, his exes were the problem. X

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FromRockBottom · 01/06/2020 22:17

He sounds like a complete prick (it's my word for the day, sorry for the language).

There is no good reason why a man would tell you when he was speaking to attractive women . None. It's all about creating jealousy and making you fight harder to keep him because he has "options". Yep , you are about to option out of his particularly toxic, nasty and vile life. (I might be projecting here but I am angry on your behalf).

Making you feel that you should be grateful for intimacy.... Bastard. That is something that you gave him, wanted to share with him and he turned it into something sad and lonely and confusing. He took away some of your confidence , and some of your belief that the world is a good place. But look at it this way. You get to walk away and have a happy, fulfilling life, you will get that back (we both will) . HE NEVER WILL. He doesn't know how, he will never know how.

As for how he reacted when I blocked him. Nothing really , an email saying nothing , a bunch of withheld calls and a voicemail that I didn't listen too. He's on to secure the next one , and I just feel sorry for her, whoever she is.

Vodkacranberryplease · 01/06/2020 22:17

Read up about them because when you do you see they are all the same - then nothing is special anymore. He's just another one. You can depersonalise him and stop seeing what you had as a relationship. It's not - relationships go both ways.

Bloody lucky you weren't convenient enough to live with. I imagine it's the kid - too much effort and not enough attention for him. Phew.

He'll leave you alone when he hooks another victim.

Eckhart · 01/06/2020 22:22

I know I don't t need him but can't help myself

This is the goal of the narcissist. For you to be fully aware that you are suffering, and yet still not be able to break away. Then they can play with you, like a cat with a mouse. That's what all the good memories are, if he truly is a narcissist. You were always a mouse, always a victim, and it was always a game.

I know it's horrible. I was a mouse too. But when I realised that everything, everything my abuser did to make me happy, including the glorious honeymoon period of being absolutely perfect, was all to manoeuvre my emotions into the perfect position to be repeatedly abused... it made it easier to break away. It stopped me romanticising the good times. In fact, it's years ago, and remembering the good times now makes me do the same face as opening off milk.

Bunnymumy · 01/06/2020 22:22

Here here!

I just see them as being like robots, imitating humans now tbh (and badly at that). Like the tin man, a big empty hole where the heart should be.

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 22:28

@FromRockBottom
No offence taken..I like your reply. It made me smile.
He is a prick and he has made intimacy something confusing and lonely. He has made my life like this.
It sound really dramatic but I feel.like me before him is lost, like she is a stranger.
He kept the thing about speaking to attractive women up for two years, one day I noticed the conversation was irrelevant and he had no reason to be telling me about it other than to let me know he had been speaking to an attractive girl.
Thanks so much for your reply xx

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