Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

The woman that you were before you met him is gone and you can look back fondly and think of the things that you love about her and keep the best bits but she's never going to be the same... because she was someone that didn't know her value and she didn't know that there were people in the world that she had to protect herself from.

But she does now. You are your life experiences, but that means that you get to be a fuller person. More empathetic, richer, a better mother? Now you get to teach your kids about narcissists and you get to watch their partners for signs of manipulation?? When the time comes anyway.

The last four years have not been for nothing. Not even close.

@Vodkacranberryplease
I think you are right about the kids, he is so selfish you wouldn't believe.
Didn't come out for my daughters birthday dinner as he said he didn't have the money. He is scum when I think about things like that.
You are right it isn't a relationship, its effort from my side and he just gets on with what he wants never thinking of me or the kids
He comes across as a gentleman to everyone else too x

@Eckhart
Thank you. You have no idea how much this helps me and I appreciate it so much..
I feel like a weight has been lifted talking to everyone today.
I have spent years thinking this is how relationships are and this is what I deserve.
The good times are so few and far between, even those ended in tears sometimes.
Thank you so much x

@FromRockBottom
This reply has made me feel quite emotional, in a good way.
Thanks so much, I would never have looked at it like this.
I have spent years feeling like I dont deserve anything.
The tight fisted prick grudges buying me a bag of malteasers.
Thanks for your message , it means a lot x

Hi and good morning

How are you doing today , if I had to guess and you're anything like me you've been reading up more on narcissism . I hope you're not like me though because it's driving me crazy xxxx

He really does sound like my ex.

I can't believe they all follow the same script. Mine never bothered with my children unless I was trying to end things.

Hopefully you have now got the courage to end things and start with your new life.

@FromRockBottom
Hi
Good morning, lovely to hear from you.
I have been, its scary stuff. I cant wrap my head round the fact that people can be like this.
He is never going to change.
Did your ex say things and if you got touchy about it say it was a joke?
That seems to be a favourite of his.xx

@herewegoagain123456
If my daughter speaks to him he makes time but I am talking like 5 minutes.
He is obsessed with running and is extremely vein.
Talking has really helped, I feel lighter.
Thank you xx

Think they all like to say that :/ followed by them making out you are oversensitive/overdramatic or don't have a sense of humor.

Theres a comedian that does a sketch about 'it's just banter' being used to say dickish things and get away with it. So bloody true.

Oh yes my ex was vein as hell. Didn't notice it at the time tho.
Everything was all about him and his rugby (should of been a professional player apparently )
The self gloat was awful.

Just remember all
The bad and even right it down when u think u have made the wrong decision. As that is a stage you deffo go through when they start promising the world yet it's all
Lies

I cant wrap my head round the fact that people can be like this

I struggled with that too. But the more you read, the more you learn that psychopaths/narcissists are all the same, it's like they've sat exams for it. I really do feel like they're a different species, because they're all very similar in their destructive behaviours, but they don't learn it, so it must be their instincts.

Oh yes , the everything is a joke is a big thing of his . It's actually something my mum used to do (I don't talk to her anymore) it's a way of bringing you down while taking no responsibility for it . Which I'm starting to think is a classic narcissist .I am also starting to think it's also a form of gaslighting ?

Him..."I mean you are an idiot most of the time anyway , so I can imagine you must have looked pretty daft when you did that"

Me..."what do you mean I'm an idiot most of the time? , Do you really think that?

Him.... "God , of course not . I was joking , you are so sensitive, I can't say anything right!"

This is a pretty obvious example . I think it can be much more subtle. But basically you just got hit for the original insult , and the idea that caring about it makes you oversensitive and a bit of a control freak . So you let it go . But it hurt you . Does that make sen ?se

'You are so sensitive' is horrible.

'Yes, I am, so respect it!' is the only viable response.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. In fact it's a bit like a special power, in that you can pick up on things others can't. I listen to my sensitivity radar these days. If something/someone seems off, I don't care whether I can rationalise it or not. I'm happy to just call it gut instinct, and move on.

Mine had a nickname of "sensitive sally" everytime I was being sensitive....my name isn't sally

@Bunnymumy
It's a daily occurrence with him. But he cant handle any form of criticism at all. Flies off the handle xx

The 'I was only joking' thing seems to go hand in hand with something they are really sensitive about, that they pretend they can't talk to you about because you might hurt them. They are the only ones with real feelings, and they want to test you will react correctly and protect those feelings.

@herewegoagain123456
This all sounds so familiar.
He constantly needs validation via social media. It driving him crazy that he can't race just now.
He is a good liar too.
Thanks for your messages xx

@Eckhart
I am apparently over sensitive and a worrier. Also make things up in mmy head according to him.
His behaviour is horrible. Such a temper too, a couple of Saturdays ago he went into a mood because I asked him to fast forward something ok tv.
Definitely walking on eggshells xx

@herewegoagain123456
They really are something else. I always thought it was a one off or just me.
Relieved and sad to realise it isn't. Xx

@FromRockBottom
It sounds like you have had a tough time.
I hope you are ok?
It does make sense and it's exactly what happens.
Apparently I act like a child too. He is utterly vile.
The scary thing is they dont see it xx

@Thelnebriati
It's all so familiar. He has stopped all forms of affection or saying anything that would offer any form of security

Yes I was the same.
But I'm now relieved to think that he will treat his next victim like shit too. As that was something I was worried about was him treating the next girl right. And that's why I kept going back.

He will never change and I have accepted it now x

@herewegoagain123456
Same for me, I have a rough idea of who he has his eyes on and the thought of him being nice to her makes me feel sick. Xx

You could just drop her a message when you break up with him. 'Hey, heads up, I've just split up with someone because he is a right nasty piece of work. I have a feeling he may have lined you up for the same treatment. Just heads up from woman to woman'. He will likely tell her you are nuts but at least it may give her enough pause for thought to notice any red flags. Plus you've just said you broke up with HIM so he cant claim he dumped you cause you were crazy or whatever.

Its tempting to add something like 'read up on narcissists and protect yourself' but best not to incase she relays that back to him. Never use the word narcissist around them as you dont want them to know it. They will turn it round and use it on you.

Just if you want to warn her. Of course bare in mind he will no doubt just line up another relatively quickly. So you gotta prepare for that mentally.

I actually feel like I would be sick if I knew he was with someone else , because I know her life is going to be hell. So maybe that means I know that it's him and not me? So that's something for me to think about?

I'm okay , my thought for today is why couldn't he have looked at me and realised that I haven't had a great time of it and I haven't got a lot of support and I do struggle and been at least a little bit decent? He is capable after all. He managed to get two people to marry him . He managed to get me to fall for him ....

But I know those things made me more valuable to him, not less . Because he is a predator, and I was easy prey.