Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

@vodkacranberryplease
I need to remember this..i am in limbo at the moment.
Missing what i didn't have and just feeling drained.

Concentrate on building your new life. Do stuff. Lots of stuff. Make yourself stupidly busy.

@Torktorkbam
Thanks :)
I need to lose some weight, not the most important goal but food preparation and exercise will keep me busy.

My top tip: never choose a goal that you could achieve best by being in a coma/dead.

Instead of "lose weight" or "eat less junk food". Try "Eat more vegetables." "Drink more water" "Exercise more".

Instead of give up smoking or drink less. Start doing mindfulness when stressed, etc.

@TorkTorkBam
I like the way you think.
That is really helpful and less daunting than my first approach.
When the kids are at their dads I plan on getting up for an early morning walk.
I want to live again, I have been skimming over life for years trying to keep someone happy who didn't give a shit about me.

Stop grieving for something you never had - as I once said to you, that perfect guy you had never existed. It was all an act. This is the real him

This was a big step for me, realising what was actually real, and the part I also played in this because of what I wanted to see.

We’re vulnerable because we’re human, and care. And that leads to fuck ups because people will take advantage, but the fact you’ve got a heart is what sets you apart.

@Lonleycrab
Thanks. I need to keep remembering that it wasn't him, wish I had followed my gut and the numerous red flags.
What a nice thing to say. Thanks xx

The red flags only are obvious in hindsight. There were loads for me but I never saw them although I actually did iyswim.

The posters here really helped me through. I’m sure it’ll be the same for you and hang in there

Exactly. You are lucky you are a caring loving person who gives people the benefit of the doubt and doesn't run away at the slightest imperfection.

Of course you believed him. Why would he lie? Why, when you are in the throes of an outwardly loving relationship would you think he would be making weird sexting videos? It's not something most people would even think about.

You can't blame yourself for this! You are human, he is not.

As Tork says get busy. I need to lose weight too (corona stone) and every night before I go to sleep I'm going to listen to a free YouTube weight loss or exercise hypnosis. I gave up smoking virtually overnight with a Paul McKenna one years ago and last time I listened to one, once, I found myself drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of fruit!

I'll try and pick a few good ones and rotate them for a few weeks. Will it work? Well my current strategy of wishing I could lose weight while binge eating sugar isn't working so it can't be worse!

Anything you can do that gets you a little closer to feeling more like you is good. You'll start better very soon.

You lot speak a lot of sense and truth. I'm very close to severing contact with my narcissic H of several decades, and your words are helping hugely. Its useful and soul destroying in equal measure how alike these people are...

I've found meditation really helpful in disengaging my emotions and keeping my head clear. It's going NC that is going to be the worst thing.

@Nursing2029 - Vodka is right - babysteps to weight loss and anything else you want to change...

I'm a big fan of meditation stuff on Youtube at bedtime.

[quote Nursing2029]@TorkTorkBam
I like the way you think.
That is really helpful and less daunting than my first approach.
When the kids are at their dads I plan on getting up for an early morning walk.
I want to live again, I have been skimming over life for years trying to keep someone happy who didn't give a shit about me.[/quote]
TorkTorkBam has some great advice, and I'd like to add another little bit that's helping me.

Break your goals down into little chunks. "How do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time" is definitely something that works for me.

I've a lot of weight to lose, and I'm using an app and setting smaller targets in a step by step process. It's beginning to have an effect. If you live near me, I'd be happy to invite you on my walks if it helped.

As for my narcissist, he no longer contacts me, and the grapevine has told me he's let himself go again as he hasn't found a replacement narcissistic supply.

@MulticolourMophead As for my narcissist, he no longer contacts me, and the grapevine has told me he's let himself go again as he hasn't found a replacement narcissistic supply.

What exactly do they do without a victim? Do they then go downhill? This is fascinating! Some can go a while without can't they? My x biz partner is now married but she's a solicitor, owns the house they live in, and would have no compunction about cutting him off at the knees if he started anything, even though she's the nicest person ever.

I have this vision of them rattling around like vampires just waiting for the next human to walk by and only half existing in the mean time. 😁

@Vodkacranberryplease I think in my ex's case, a lot of the abuse was bound up in getting me/the DC to run around as servants. Now that he has no one to order around, there's no one attempting to push him into caring about himself and doing stuff for him, so he doesn't bother. His hygiene was definitely lax in the final couple of years together, but I used to nag him into washing. He also likes to play the victim, so there's a bit of that in there too. I'm sure he knows I get to hear things.

Knowing his employer was shut for a while, he'll have been either furloughed or made redundant. I also happen to know he's not the most liked member of the team (I wonder why?) so no chance of getting his ego fed that way.

I don't ask for people to tell me, I keep telling them I'd rather not know. But I'm one of those people that others like to tell things/secrets/etc to, not just about ex. There's a lot of stuff about a number of people I'd really not know, because I wasn't quick enough to shut the conversations down.

@MulticolourMophead
Thanks for the advice.
My usual is everything at once, get overwhelmed and then give up.
I definitely need a reset.
Walks would be lovely, i am north of the border are you nearby?

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie
Thanks
I will try the vidoes.
I have not given myself anytime whatsoever and I am feeling drained.
Thanks for the advice, it is appreciated x

@Vodkacranberryplease
I like that a corona stone lol. I definitely have one off those.

I keep thinking reading weight watchers magazines while eating cakes will do the trick for me. It doesn't.
Thanks again for the support:)

@Lonelycrab
Thanks for the lovely comments, a big heart and naive with it.
I think hearing from everyone that this is not a normal human i am dealing with really helps, I have been trying to figure him out for years and I just cant and never will.

[quote Nursing2029]@MulticolourMophead
Thanks for the advice.
My usual is everything at once, get overwhelmed and then give up.
I definitely need a reset.
Walks would be lovely, i am north of the border are you nearby?[/quote]
Sadly, no. I'm in the Midlands.

I must admit, I find walks go better when I have a purpose in mind. For example, I have an aunt in a care home right on the outskirts of town, so a good long walk. While they won't let visitors in at the moment, I've been going up at least once a fortnight to post a chatty card through the letterbox for my aunt.

If I go out without a purpose, I find I end up drifting aimlessly and not at the brisk pace I want.

Look up grey rock method
Hope your ok x

@lloveme30
Thanks.
I will try this.
The sexting thing is eating me up, he was sending these videos to people.
Thanks x

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time with everything,. It all sounds very difficult to get your head around. It sounds as if you were in a different relationship than you thought you were. (I know that sounds like a huge understatement).

When the gyms start opening up I can highly recommend clubbercise classes to give your energy levels a boost. I'm north of the border as well, on the west coast. Walking is brilliant at the moment but you need more than just that as it can get tedious. What about cycling? Take a picnic and get out the house for a couple of hours?

Yes I’ll second the recommendation of exercise, endorphins are our body’s natural feel good drug, plus you’ll feel better for being fitter. Getting back on my bike and pounding out the miles did a lot for my mh which was shattered at the time.

Things will take time to settle so bear with it- but clarity does come as your heart disengages. It was around the 4-5 month mark when suddenly the penny dropped and I realised I was actually free from something that would always have gone bad in the end, and the sadness was replaced by relief.

I did a lot of reading about narcissism on quora- not all of it is useful but there is lots there to help to understand what happens in these sorts of relationships. Hope you have a good Friday and weekend!

@WaitingForTheTurn79
Hi
Thanks for the advice, the initial adrenaline of splitting has gone and I feel wiped out.
I think its the getting my head round it i am struggling with, he could have been with me and he was doing that to himself and sending it to someone. It hurts. I thought his face was not in any videos but it turns out it was in some and that somehow hurts more.
I love clubbercise and boogie bounce- great idea thanks.
Thank you for the tips, much appreciated x

@Lonleycrab
Thanks for the advice.
I was so geared up for it and now I feel so tired, I will definitely try and get out more.
I hope you have a good weekend too, thank you xx