Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

^^
Totally agree with torktork
Text dump and then block on everything.
Get a friend to take any stuff he has left round to his.

I am a bit worried you said he has bern physical with you though. I'd say if he comes to your house after you break up, don't answer the door. And if you feel threatened at any point, call the police.

@Bunnymumy
He even tried to deny it. He pushed me against a door at his one day, there had already been a mark on the wall.
His reaction look what you have done to the wall - it was already there and more to the point when did you push me. He is pathetic xx

How scary!

Once they start that nonsense it can escalate.
Hope you get free soon! Might be a punch next time instead of a push. He'll tell you that was your fault too no doubt.

You seem awfully casual about violence to your person.

Normally that's an instant deal breaker for people.

What's going on there? Why do you allow it to be part of your life?

@Torktorkbam
I think I have become numb to a lot and I easily shut if off and act like it never happened.
This is the first time I have thought about everything like this and I can see altogether how bad it is x

Classic example of his behaviour.. I told him twice this morning that I was colouring my hair.
Back from work tonight I asked him he liked it, looked at me blankly.
What have you done?
I said I told you I was dying it.
His reply - I was too busy. Eh?

I don't know how you can have him in your house still, knowing what you now know! Would give me the fear.

Classic example of not being abused:
"It's over. I've had enough of you. Get out tonight. I don't care where you go"

You need to be recovered from him by September. It is lockdown. Children need their mum to be thinking about them all the time not about her dickhead boyfriend. You don't have the runway to be mucking about drawing this out for weeks and weeks.

Get the fucker out sharpish then expend your energy on recovering instead of on dissecting every moment of twattish behaviour.

What did your children think of your plan to dye your hair and of the results?

@Bunnymumy
Being on here has been an eye opener.
I have been thinking it's me being touchy and there is something wrong with me.
Apparently I pushed his buttons.

@TorkTorkBam
I totally agree, he is a dickhead.
My son always compliments me, properly nice little boy.
I think the reason I was hanging on was for closure, it's clear that is never going to happen x

My colleagues push my buttons all the time at the moment That's why I shout abuse at them and push them around physically. Oh no, wait, no I don't. I control my actions.

What about you? Do you terrorise people who push your buttons?

Make your own closure.

@TorkTorkBam
Talking to the people on here has been amazing and has made me see everything and him for exactly the way it is.
I will never get closure from him. I agree I need to respect myself and walk away from him.

Unfortunately you never get closure from them. You dont get 'sorry' or 'I was wrong' (well, unless it's to manipulate you). And they are never going to become that nice person they may have pretended to be at the start. Because that was all an act.

You gotta let them go and make your own closure.

It actually works to their advantage not to give you any,because then they know they might be able to use that as an opportunity to come back for a bit, whenever their new supply isnt working out.

Claiming to meet to want to talk or explain why they were the way the were.

The real reason is, because they are a nasty piece of work. And because they really dont like you very much. Because you are a real person with hopes, feelings and dreams. And they are just pinocchio playing at being a real boy.

Get yourself out. Choose to end it. And make your peace with things. Dont lose any more years.

@Bunnymumy
I was going to say that he never ever apologises for anything.
It's funny you should say that because the uni thing is a big thing for me, I am nearly 40 so it's an amazing opportunity but I have conditions to meet. He never congratulates me when I pass anything and kind of mocked me for choosing nursing.
I honestly never imagined someone could be so horrible. X

Probably because it's a career about helping other people. Something he can't understand the value of. He probably thinks people who do things for others weak/stupid. And that those sort of people only exist to be exploited by people like him.

I think there must be equally good people in the world to his bad. I suppose thars one pleasant thought to take from all this.

I'm so sorry, I know this is hard. The risk of violence makes it urgent though - you need to get him away from you for you and your dcs. I'm sure your hair looks lovely but it's telling he can't even bring himself to make the simplest comment to make you feel good.

It's the sunk costs fallacy - we're coming to realise they won't change no matter how reasonable and rational we are and we shouldn't waste any more time trying to figure them out either.

I've been imagining my future a little this evening. A cottage by the sea in a nice village. A small garden, lots of books and lovely pictures on the walls. I'm lucky, I've got a decent job, some lovely colleagues. I need to reconnect with some of my friends.

And a good course of counselling before I even think about another relationship. Ironically, I'm often told I'm emotionally intelligent. Clearly not as I had no idea I was such a bloody narc magnet.

Sounds silly but I worry about what I will do with my time when the kids are not here.:(

You sound like my kids so I'll give you the same lines that trip off my tongue

Only boring people are bored.

You will think of something to do.

No you can't have a million hours more on Fortnite.

@carlywurly
Was he in your future?
I hope not, he does not deserve you.
Your plans sound lovely.
I am the same, I have disconnected from friends and family.

Any social event we had with my family he moaned about it.
I am a step away from a uni place in nursing.
He said he was too busy to remember I was doing my hair.
This is his mentality- I offered him a piece of cheese his response is that the stuff no one else likes.
It is so so tiring.
We can't change them. Are you going to end it?
You are emotionally intelligent, these guys are something else. X

@TorkTorkBam
I love your replies. Always make me smile.:)
And always true. Thanks x

Yes I know what you mean. I've had a few weekends like that anyway due to lockdown and I read, baked, went out for a run, FaceTimed friends and it was fine and went really quickly.

In future I'll join some groups, do some weekend classes, meet up with friends, shop, go to the beach, have long walks. I have a very social job so don't mind quieter weekends.

If you look around while out and about there's often lots of women doing things on their own. It's not unusual or odd, it's entirely normal. Being alone by choice is far better than being broken with someone.

Codependency is prevalent in nurses and teachers apparently.

The upside of the trait makes you good at those jobs.

The dark side is a tendency to let yourself get enmeshed in abusive relationships because you don't ditch the bad 'uns quickly enough.

You want to fix them because you don't understand what Bronn knows (who has no issues with codependency).

@TorkTorkBam
Wow, fingers crossed I get in and I am good at it.

I would agree with that, part of me expects the man I met to come back.
I am a bit naive and thought it would get better.
I don't understand the pleasure they get from it at all x