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Original poster

Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

566 replies

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 09:54

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

OP posts:
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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 12:35

@Bunnymumy
She has been flirting with him when she knows we are together so they are welcome to eachother.
Any other woman I would definitely warm. I wish i knew why his wife and other girlfriends left.
They were nuts too apparently.
He is good at hiding the red flags for a while.
Perfect gentlemen x

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lilybetsy · 02/06/2020 12:35

I am almost 4 year son from dumping my narc. I thought he was the 'love of my life; ; I met him soon after I split with mu husband, I was weak and he sensed that. He broke me with his undermining, cruelty and gaslighting. But I got out, my relationship with my kids is damaged but I left him. It took a LONG time to believe that it was him not me, and I still cant quite get past the disbelief that what we 'had' at the beginning was just not real at all .. but my life is 500 x better without him in it ... get rid. and don't look back

TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 12:35

The new lass might tell him to get to fuck the first time he is a dick. Especially if she had past experience of dicks like him.

Next time you will notice those red flags and you will react appropriately, i.e. you will fuck off away from the bad as quickly and quietly as possible.

It sounds like you are with Donald Trump if he were also a runner.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 12:38

@FromRockBottom
Its definitely him and not you.
What you are saying sounds so familiar, I was just divorced from a guy who was making my life hell as he didn't want it, he made child arrangements difficult, wrote up a list of my faults.
He knew a this and the minute I got stronger he started :( xx

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TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 12:38

The scary thing is they dont see it xx

The crocodile doesn't see it is bad to eat the monkey.

If the monkey sees the crocodile there in the watering hole, knows what a croc does and still gets into the water, well, that's the really scary bit to me.

A bit like a horror film where the lass in the nightie with the candle knows the axe murderer is around but still decides to wander into the basement alone to investigate the weird sounds.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 12:41

@lilybetsy
That sounds awful I hope you are ok.
Same here, just split from marriage and going through a terrible divorce and he liked it when i was weak..the monjute8i sussed him out he got more and more cruel.
I keep thinking back to the beginning and thinking it must be real etc.
Thanks for your replyxx

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Bunnymumy · 02/06/2020 12:41

You've seen her flirt? You know she knows he is with you? Or is he just telling you that....

He probably tells her you two aren't official so he can do what he likes...or that you are mental and will top yourself if he leaves...or that you just have a crush on him but you are just friends. They lie
remember!

And use narcissistic triangulation to make you dislike the other woman. Instead of him. And vice versa.

But if he has already turned her against you as he has you against her...probably best to leave her to it sadly. Hopefully she will cotton on in her own time.

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 12:44

@Bunnymumy
Good point.
I can imagine him saying all of those things to her.
She is very welcome to him, she seems like an intelligent woman so hopefully she would get shot of him. Sounds so bad but I wish he would suffer a wee bit, it has been years for me :(.
X

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 12:46

@TorkTorkBam
That made me laugh. It is so true, worrying thing is I have stayed in the basement for a long time.
Donald Trump seems like a decent guy compared to this guy :( xx

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Bunnymumy · 02/06/2020 12:48

They suffer when they lose their supply before they planned to (when you dump them). It's a massive blow to their ego. But that's about it. And they bounce back fast if there is alternative supply.

Cheesy but the best way to spite them is to get free, move on and become a happy, confident person again. That way, they didnt win.

TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 12:49

Have you chucked him yet?

FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 12:54

The thing about breaking up with him . To me ... Once you've had these realisations and the conclusions that you have come to , there's no going back . You can't close Pandora's box so to speak. That's what I was thinking when I did it anyway. So it becomes a case of when and how do you break up . Not if . So have you been thinking about that?

Do whatever makes it easier on you.

Eckhart · 02/06/2020 13:06

worrying thing is I have stayed in the basement for a long time

Don't worry about that. You realised a long time ago (when you first started questioning him in the back of your mind), but they play with your perception until you don't know which way is up. It's not a worry how long you've been in the basement - it's a sigh of relief that you've realised you have to get out.

FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 13:09

When I did my thread , I couldn't reply to everyone individually , I just couldn't . A mixture of stress and feeling overwhelmed. Also , some posts I needed to think about or take my time over ( I'm still reading and rereading .... I think you are absolutely lovely in giving everyone an individual reply but you can just go with the flow of the conversation , or just say what your thinking about right now ., Right this minute)

I hope that makes sense , and I really do think you are lovely for replying to everyone and I have actually appreciated it as I'm sure everyone has .. it's just a thought because there are times when I would have lost my thoughts by going with every post (and I'm thinking of my posts here).

Everyone who posted on my thread was incredibly supportive and brilliant . They helped me so much

I hope that comes across in the spirit I meant it .. and it's just a thought because it's something I have worried about and felt guilty for. .

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 13:09

@Bunnymumy
Not cheesy at all, it's where I want to be.
Will all this help and support it feels possible xx

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 13:10

@Eckhart
I am a lot closer to it than I have ever been ;)

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Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 13:14

@FromRockBottom
It has been taken in that spirit.
You are right, I was feeling guilty, I think its amazing that everyone takes time to offer advice and support. Thanks for the tip :)
It is helping so so much.
I have been thinking about leaving him for a while, it has come in stages.
I thought he was the love of my life etc, the honeymoon period wore off and other things started to fade.
I expect less and less of him and I know I can't have a future with him, the next step scares me.a bit xx

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FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 13:14

I'm probably feeling guilty because you're so much nicer than me! I tried to reply to everyone but I couldn't and you have managed it beautifully .

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 13:16

@Fromrockbottom
Not all all, you have posted some lovely comments and advice.
I think I have replied because it's all so different but all relevant.
I am so relieved this is not me xx

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FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 13:28

The only reason I said anything is because .... I just randomly put whatever I thought about up on my thread and I didn't answer everyone .... But I think I needed to do that for a while . Although the whole thing became a massive conversation that took shape to become something amazing .

I have had counselling and you know , you get to direct the journey of the session.... I see posting your own thread as being like that . Although I might be completely wrong lol!!! I have been posting on forums for exactly five days!!! I'm not an expert .... I feel a bit daft now . I will try to get over it . Thank you

FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 13:32

And it's not you .it's really not you . Xxxxx

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 13:32

@Fromrockbottom
Please don't feel daft I appreciate it :)
I am new to this too xx

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Happynow001 · 02/06/2020 13:49

I recon he will try to use the kids..maybe saying you owe it to him to see them or talk with them about the split ect... you certainly don't.
How old are your children? Can he access them on their phones/tablets? Block & delete?

Block his access to you in all platforms - including redirecting any emails from him to go into a separate folder. (Keep for a while in case you need them later but don't read them).

Thank goodness you don't live with him!

FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 14:37

I think it is very hard to walk away from a narcissist because ... He has been playing mind games with you all along . Exploited your vulnerabilities and used tactics like .... Intermittent reinforcement (that one is eye opening) . Narcissists create trauma bonds so we are attached , I'm still getting my head around this one . Just keep researching , thinking , maybe start journalling ? You will start to see things as they happen ... Like I did with him telling me not to reply to his text immediately .... I saw red that day . You will have your "see red " moment .

Original poster
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 14:46

@Happynow001
Hi
My kids are 8 and 9, he wouldn't be able to reach them.
Sounds daft but I feel sad as I honestly dont think he would care.
I know, he was never ready phew.
He doesn't take any responsibility for anything, i have debt i pay it.
He ignores letters, doesn't open them, had had bailiffs at the door. Just ignores it, all this along side his weird porn fetishes, he really is a catch.

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