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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One for the wank bank.

213 replies

Oneforthewankbank · 25/05/2020 01:39

OK- we broke lock down, there will be some that think it's karma. I know it was stupid, you are right. I have no argument back so won't engage on this point.

My BF and I went to a BBQ earlier. Whilst there my BF took a photo of me and another woman. Then said That's one for the wank bank and saved it.

I didn't say anything but left as soon as he left the room to chat to his friends in another room

I just think he is genuinely disrespectful to me and the other girl he has hurt my feelings that he would save pictures of another woman for this purpose.

The term wank bank is disrespectful to women anyway and he is violating the other woman who was there with her boyfriend, I can't even touch on that for now.

He asked where I was and when I told him I left and why he says I need to grow up, nothing he does will ever be good enough for me and I am the one thats out of order.

Please tell me I am not the one on the wrong here, I feel like i am going nuts that he is blaming me for not taking the joke.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 25/05/2020 15:49

I felt really uncomfortable all night, then to blatantly take a photo of me and this woman and say infront of everyone its one for the wank bank was done deliberately to put me down. I dont even want to imagine how the woman felt. He is 10 years her senior (she is 3 years younger than me) I guarantee she wouldn't have been anything other than creeped out

I guarantee that too. It's utterly revolting. Had it been me, I would have told him so in no uncertain terms.

midnightstar66 · 25/05/2020 16:27

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain, no matter what the situation though and how much jest it was said in, it would still conjure up an unwelcome image in my mind of her husband (you in this case) wanking over a picture of me. I'd prefer to be spared!

Windmillwhirl · 25/05/2020 16:34

I agree completely he knows he has done wrong. He refused to admit it because he was banking on you accepting you had overreacted.

So glad you ditched him. Hope you enjoy the decking!

FizzyGreenWater · 25/05/2020 17:14

If he messages again, just crush him.

'Look, let's just leave it at that. Tbh I knew it was over when I was cringing at your Alpha Dickhead act in front of that poor couple who must have wondered what the fuck was going on. You came over as SO insecure. I was embarrassed to be with you. Then your slimy comment at the end just sealed it. I'm done. None of that shit makes you look anything other than ridiculous, know that. Bye.'

thedancingbear · 25/05/2020 17:16

'Look, let's just leave it at that. Tbh I knew it was over when I was cringing at your Alpha Dickhead act in front of that poor couple who must have wondered what the fuck was going on. You came over as SO insecure. I was embarrassed to be with you. Then your slimy comment at the end just sealed it. I'm done. None of that shit makes you look anything other than ridiculous, know that. Bye.'

What would that achieve?

Windmillwhirl · 25/05/2020 17:17

Perfect, FizzyGreenWaterGrin

Pinkbanana2020 · 25/05/2020 17:24

Personally, I think he probably was joking and it would not bother me in the slightest. That said, I'm in my 40's and you sound a lot younger so I'm guessing are more sensitive (that's not a derogatory comment by the way). Men are renowned for making silly comments without thinking about them first and it sounds like he was playing to the audience a bit?

If you like him, don't let it upset you. You are only putting yourself down by making it into a problem. Men like strong, confident women :)

Good luck !

user1481840227 · 25/05/2020 17:24

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain

It's nothing to do with being secure. That comment could also make the other person feel very uncomfortable.
There are couples out there who are just as secure as you and your partner, have just as much trust and can enjoy lots of jokes and banter, that doesn't mean that they would make that comment or enjoy it.

Finding comments like that funny isn't a marker of how secure a person is in their relationship.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 25/05/2020 17:31

@user1481840227 fair point and it really depends on who the 3rd party is and it wouldn't necessarily have to be in front of her. It's not as if she'd say it to everyone, it's just that the comment could be made without either of us having an issue with it, that was my point.

Windmillwhirl · 25/05/2020 17:39

But what about the third party and how they might feel?

Original poster
Oneforthewankbank · 25/05/2020 17:50

He has messaged and apologised but to be honest its one in a whole load of reasons to split up.

Who takes their girlfriend to a party then makes sexual comments about another woman right infront of us both.

I dont have an issue with him fancying other women, he was in a relationship, not blind, but that was disrespectful and unnecessary.

Its not the first time he has brought other women into our relationship either. He said has form for it.

The time he said he prefers my sister and picked the wrong one.
The time he said he found having a threesome with his best female friend more exciting than me when we had just spent the evening with her (oh and it never actually happened)
The times multiple he has said how much better his ex is in every way.
Only ever joking or said in anger so I should know he doesn't mean it.

So yea I am sensitive about these comments.

I know people will say massive drip feed but I just wanted opinions on the one incident, to see if our past made me over react. The rest were before we broke up in December. Now the thread is pretty much at an end I just thought I would come clean about how horrible he actually is.

OP posts:
begoniapot · 25/05/2020 17:53

You are well rid of the immature wanker. People like this show their true nature in this so called banter. Nasty piece of work.

Ginfordinner · 25/05/2020 17:58

How old is he?

Windmillwhirl · 25/05/2020 18:19

OP, he is seriously insecure and tried to make you feel insecure with those statements so you would cling to him and feel unsure and anxious. That's as clear as day from your last post.

He's got real issues. You have done the right thing.

Original poster
Oneforthewankbank · 25/05/2020 18:21

He's 37....

OP posts:
AlwaysAnEmptySpace · 25/05/2020 18:24

37, I though he was going to be early 20s. Can’t even blame it on being young. What a loser.

Leflic · 25/05/2020 18:30

Good on ending it Op.

Don’t get sucked in to discussing this with him. You don’t owe him anything; he’s a free agent. You don’t need to fix him for the next girl.

Be happy you met him so you can rule him out and move on to the next!

Corruptedtongue · 25/05/2020 18:36

If you want to have a family one day, your children deserve far better than someone who thinks it’s fine to treat a woman this way. It sounds as if he was trying to wind you up too. You deserve far better - congratulate yourself for having good standards.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 25/05/2020 19:54

@Windmillwhirl by knowing your 3rd party and knowing they are on the same wavelength.

Windmillwhirl · 25/05/2020 20:01

myotherusernamewastakenagain that would make it a joke among friends. The impression I got was this was not mutual friends, just people at a bbq

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 25/05/2020 20:39

Of course. I'm not saying the guy was in the right here, he clearly wasn't.

NoMoreDickheads · 25/05/2020 20:52

I got off with a bloke once and he said 'this is one for the wank bank.' In that context it was a bit of a cringey humorous comment, but with the secretly photoing someone this isn't the same.

The time he said he prefers my sister and picked the wrong one. The time he said he found having a threesome with his best female friend more exciting than me when we had just spent the evening with her (oh and it never actually happened) The times multiple he has said how much better his ex is in every way. Only ever joking or said in anger so I should know he doesn't mean it.

'''
how horrible he actually is.

Glad you realize it.

say in front of everyone its one for the wank bank

Could others hear him too, as well as you? Ewww! That makes it seem even worse somehow.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2020 20:58

It took an absolutely massive leap of faith for me to believe I was worthy of love and not ridicule, sneering or contempt after my marriage collapsed to this type of man.

From the bottom of my heart please work on your self esteem as life truly is too short to waste on these timewasting unbearable twats.

The door is away to close on my having anymore babies and I sometimes wish I’d got it together even a couple of years earlier and dumped my XH for shit like this, but my self confidence was mangled and all my energy was poured into him and trying to make the unworkable work.

Start with what I said in my earlier post, from tomorrow, every day in the mirror say “I am an asset to anyone”.

If you don’t believe this, list all the qualities you’re proud of, it can be anything from “I’m a good listener” to “I make awesome moussaka”.

If you’re really stuck write it from the perspective of what you’d like a friend to think of you and recognise.

Apologies for the impromptu lecture OP, I see where you’re at, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It’s time to turn it round and enjoy a life free of this dumbfuckery.

TehBewilderness · 25/05/2020 20:59

I know people will say massive drip feed but I just wanted opinions on the one incident, to see if our past made me over react.

On the contrary. This kind of persistent pattern of denigration makes us more likely to under react and second guess our ability to recognize emotional abuse when we experience it.
That is what happened to you. He has been showing you who he is for a long time. It is time you believed him.
Good on you!

ArchibaldsDaddy · 25/05/2020 21:03

Erm...I’m surprised you’re even having to ask that question.

If you don’t show yourself enough self-respect to leave, this sort of thing will only contain - and probably worsen.

Not all of us chaps are that much of a complete arse...

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