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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One for the wank bank.

213 replies

Oneforthewankbank · 25/05/2020 01:39

OK- we broke lock down, there will be some that think it's karma. I know it was stupid, you are right. I have no argument back so won't engage on this point.

My BF and I went to a BBQ earlier. Whilst there my BF took a photo of me and another woman. Then said That's one for the wank bank and saved it.

I didn't say anything but left as soon as he left the room to chat to his friends in another room

I just think he is genuinely disrespectful to me and the other girl he has hurt my feelings that he would save pictures of another woman for this purpose.

The term wank bank is disrespectful to women anyway and he is violating the other woman who was there with her boyfriend, I can't even touch on that for now.

He asked where I was and when I told him I left and why he says I need to grow up, nothing he does will ever be good enough for me and I am the one thats out of order.

Please tell me I am not the one on the wrong here, I feel like i am going nuts that he is blaming me for not taking the joke.

OP posts:
Mintlegs · 25/05/2020 07:29

Yes, I would be offended if he was making smarmy comments like that about a female I knew and associated with. He is deflecting and his half apology is back handed

BadgersAreReal · 25/05/2020 07:38

It sounds like you just have a different sense of humour.
I think it probably was just a joke, albeit very immature, but if it's a deal breaker for you then end it.

thedancingbear · 25/05/2020 07:43

If you're both willing to break the social distancing rules so callously and comprehensively, and clearly not give a fuck about having done so, I really can't bring myself to care either way.

Have you seen the news? there are people dying because of people like you.

You deserve each other.

midnightstar66 · 25/05/2020 07:44

Eugh it's vile and sounds especially so in this context. Could obviously be funny as part of an ongoing private joke like @MarkRuffaloCrumble but that clearly wasn't the case here and then no apology, making you feel like you've over reacted. Anyway sounds like this is just a final straw moment, he sounds awful in general! He's right - at least you got a garden out of it! Smile

BecomingMe · 25/05/2020 07:47

It’s not funny as it’s obvious that he was attracted to the woman and he really was going to use it for the wank bank.

gingerbreadcat2 · 25/05/2020 07:52

Is he 15?

Ernieshere · 25/05/2020 07:57

Tell him he made more effort laying the decking.

Or that the only thing he would ever be married to is his right hand.

Not really, but was he ever in the Inbetweeners?

PixiKitKat · 25/05/2020 08:05

It's a phrase from the Inbetweeners, to me a it's a joking phrase. I wouldn't seriously think my partner is saving that photo to wank over later on.

PixiKitKat · 25/05/2020 08:06

And reading those texts you sound like hard work, it was a joke! A badly timed one but I think you blew it out of proportion

Truzza · 25/05/2020 08:08

Sounds like my ex... he won't change it will get worse
He now has a 24 yr old gf I have seen him slowly grind her down with the same bs

thedancingbear · 25/05/2020 08:11

I think they're both in their teens from the sounds of it.

YinMnBlue · 25/05/2020 08:14

Did the other woman hear that, and know he had saved the picture?

I would go mad if a man took a friendly snap of me at a party and then said that.

What a disgusting sleaze.

Get rid and stop giving in to knuckle draggers who go to BBQS when infection is still a serious risk. It is part of the picture.

TigerDater · 25/05/2020 08:14

I agree you're well rid OP, his behaviour and attitude sound tedious and immature. But I would question why you just left the barbecue without saying anything then had the discussion over text. That's a bit childish.

Kittykat93 · 25/05/2020 08:15

Are you both 16? If not, grow up. Oh and you shouldnt be having bbqs with friends at the moment and snuggling up for photos.

thedancingbear · 25/05/2020 08:17

Oh and you shouldnt be having bbqs with friends at the moment and snuggling up for photos.

It's fine - she said she doesn't care about that in the OP, and everyone seems to have accepted it.

'I've just murdered my granny, but I don't want you to comment on that, I just won't engage. Does anyone know how to dispose of a body?'

Leflic · 25/05/2020 08:17

You come across as very whingey in the texts and that’s why your point is being lost. You can’t write “ there’s nothing more to say” and then carry on writing stuff.

Your phone message starts with an accusation that he made you feel bad.He’s defended that by it wasn’t a big enough thing to be upset about.

You need to actually start the conversation with the problem ( taking pictures of women to wank over is crude and demeaning to you). Take your feelings out of it, you are try to convey that most women wouldn’t be happy with thus.

He also says that he wasn’t going to go home and wank over it. So ask him what he was planning on doing with it.

Thank him for the garden. You look forward to using it with your next boyfriend who doesn’t collect pictures of women on his phone.

YinMnBlue · 25/05/2020 08:18

And PP who think it was a joke... where was the other woman in that? He had taken a pic of another unsuspecting woman.

He meant it as a joke maybe but the whole outlook is just misogynistic and sleazy.

saleorbouy · 25/05/2020 08:20

He sounds a bit like a social hand grenade and very immature, is he still in his teens? I think he's been watching too much on The Inbetweeners during lockdown, taking pictures of strangers and making lurid comments is very inappropriate. Time to move on and find someone who appreciates and respects you.

thedancingbear · 25/05/2020 08:21

On the substance of the thing, I'd treat it as a throwaway comment, a silly joke. But I can completely see how someone else would fucking hate it. If he (a) doesn't know the OP well enough not to realise that it'll upset her and (b) hasn't got the decency to apologise afterwards, then the thing is probably dead in the water anyway. They can both start seeing other people once sixth form starts up again.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/05/2020 08:22

Insecure, needy, misogynistic and defensive?

Sounds like my XH.

Trust me, you’re well rid.

Rebelwithallthecause · 25/05/2020 08:24

My ex used to say similarly disrespectful things and any time I said it hurt my feelings he would get cross with me as he was obviously joking!

I left him eventually but wish I’d had been like you and got rid early on

There are so many sleazeballs out there that see anything they say as humour and think it’s ok

WaterOffADucksCrack · 25/05/2020 08:25

I was on pins all night because this couple were talking to me and I know he gets jealous about other blokes. I thought that was why he was putting the guy down. Little did I know he had his eye on the other woman the whole time. The poor couple must be wondering what kind of shit show they inadvertently got caught up in. I think you both sound jealous tbh. I know men and women who make these jokes between themselves in their relationships.

What's the garden comment about?

Ursula2001 · 25/05/2020 08:28

This reply has been deleted

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BillywilliamV · 25/05/2020 08:28

Sometimes these threads just need to end! Honestly!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 25/05/2020 08:29

If the other woman didn't know he took the photo then that's another issue and I would be angry about that on her behalf but you don't care about that part. If she knew a photo was being taken then I'd say it was a joke. He should apologise for upsetting you but you should split as you have different senses of humour.