Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

He is not a “perfect man”: he lied to you and is a shit parent. Avoid!

I think he is someone you could well do without in your life at all, he is crap relationship material. This man too has more red flags too than are present at a Communist party rally!.

Your friend seems to have too low and otherwise poor boundaries when it comes to relationships. I would not want to readily accept her counsel.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Firstly, the not telling you. And secondly, not having any desire, even 10 years later, to have some impact on his own offsprings life, When it seems the child is being brought up in this situation (by which I mean mum getting arrested for fighting and partners having around and getting sent to jail). He clearly sees the child as nothing but a financial obligation which in my view is abhorrent and not someone I could be with long term or have children with. Obviously if you are not in that situation you may think differently which is fair enough.

If you believe this you will believe anything.

It’s far more like she wants nothing to do with him and him likewise, but also the child.

Your friend has shown poor judgment in this. Deliberately lying for a year and never seeing his DC over ten years is more than “a mistake”.

Personally, I think it's fine to not want to parent a child you don't want with a person you don't want in your life so long as you take responsibility and provide financially.

Many will disagree.

No, you should NOT give him another chance. He loves himself, he lied to you because what he wanted was more important than his respect for you and telling you the truth so you could make a choice that's right for you. He lied about something huge and was going to continue to lie, he had no intention of telling you.

He's a shit, look at how he describes the mother of his child. Oh, and the old 'she was obsessed with me' 'she's crazy' lark.

He's not perfect. He's a liar and a shit parent.

Don't you think you deserve more? If he can describe someone he had a child with the way he does, imagine how he'll describe you one day.

Being a horrid and uninvolved parent is the most unattractive quality a person could posses and it would be a massive deal breaker for me.

He's not willing to be in his child's life and feels no remorse about this. Definite deal breaker.

Total deal breaker. You would be mad to stay with him.

If you ever want children yourself, do not stay with this man.

If you don't, and you can ignore the fact that he's a liar, and he's letting his own child be brought up without his input by someone who he admits is a train wreck, then crack on. You're an adult, you can't say you continued the relationship without your eyes wide open to exactly what he's like.

Look at his actions not his words.
He lied to you.
He dumped his child.

I suspect her perspective on “being obsessed with him” may well have been her trying for years to secure support for their child.

Is he likely to do as you ask and build a RS with a child of 10? Is this something that you want to see accommodated in your long term future together?

He didn't want to be involved with the child and wasn't in a relationship with the mother. That's his business. He didn't tell you probably because he suspected you might have an over the top reaction. It's not ideal so I don't see how it impacts on you if he has chosen not to be involved in the child's life,

Dump him and walk away.

"He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me!"

Ah, the classic "I only lied because I love you" excuse. No, if he'd loved you he would have respected you enough to trust you with the truth.

And if you believe his "the ex is crazy" line, doesn't that make it even worse that he's left a child to be brought up by her with no emotional support from their father?

Walk away. This one is black and white.

He isn't a good person.

Oh and could well do this to you and any child you have with him. All children deserve better than that.

That’s who he is. That’s what he has done. That’s what he’s capable of doing again.

He is heartless - how can he leave his own flesh and blood in such damaging conditions?

So he’s a liar and a shit parent?
Definitely not someone you want to hitch your star to.

What if the roles had been reversed, he'd wanted to have an abortion and he didn't. She would have had the option to have an abortion, forget about it all and never had to tell anyone.

He had none of that control. She chose to have the baby and he just had to accept it. It was still his choice to decide not to want a child and if she opted to have him anyway, that's not his fault.

He is paying maintenance, probably because he had too, but still paying. I don't blame him for not wanting to discuss it. You've been together only a year, maybe not even living together yet, sharing finances. I wouldn't blame him for not telling you yet when from his perspective, he was only a sperm donor.

It’s funny how these men are always quite happy to let their offspring be brought up by their ‘crazy’ and ‘toxic’ exes isn’t it? If she’s as much of a train wreck as you describe it actually makes him look WORSE that he doesn’t feel any need to step in and try to provide a more positive influence in the child’s life.

He’s a liar and a coward who shirks his responsibilities. Doesn’t matter how nice he acts when everything is rosy and going his way, he’s shown who he really is. Your friend is entitled to her own lack of boundaries and expectations for a partner but you shouldn’t be persuaded by them.

If she’s such an awful mother why was he happy to abandon his child with her?

How can anyone Lie about that!

In total shock!

He literally does everything for me and everyone, so why has he done this? I will never know!!!

...this friend of yours either has poor boundaries herself or fir some reason, doesn't want what is est for you.

I'm always cautious of people who tell you to tolerate it forgive bad treatment. Be aware that sometimes when we have someone...rotten, I our lives, there are more similar sorts around us.

If a woman decided to terminate a pregnancy would a future partner have the right to know about this. No I don't think he would. That would be her business.

The crazy ex line is a huge huge 🚩. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 is all I can say. I have yet to see a happy ending in a scenario like this. Only you know what you want deep down but I would advise against a post lockdown reunion with this one.