Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

stop encouraging these men to barrel into their children’s lives to impress you, because when you realise he’s a twat and dump him the kid gets hurt again when Dad loses interest

I agree with you. But People aren't telling op to encourage him to be a parent. They're telling her he is a poor parent and to call it a day.

Step parent threads on here really piss me off when posters tell the step parent op who is sick of her deadbeat dh being a shit parent, that it is HER responsibility to make sure the children dont suffer. Jesus people, raise your standards.

Exactly, @lyralalala

@Leflic they’re not even living together. It’s possible that he would have told OP when/if they joined households or finances, isn’t it?

I just hope for a future where women have higher standards of potential fathers to their future children.

No need to be sad on my account.

My child having days are behind me, and DH is a wonderful father to our children and our adult stepdaughter.

Get rid! Doesn't want to see his own child what a horrible evil man. He only gives her maintenance because he has to he has no choice about it.

Hey
Yes he’s on a high salary, that’s why it was agreed at £600 , it doesn’t effect his financial situation much.

He said he hasn’t ever been to SS because she has her family who help her. Her parents too her first born off her and continue to support her with the other 5 children. One father of one of her children is involved.
From Facebook/Instagram she looks like she’s coping, the kids have had holidays, birthdays parties blah blah.

I have had contact with his family and they told me some incidents that happened which made him decide to not have contact with the mother. For example, calling his workplace, using his car registration to say he had “tried to run her over”

I see both points of views on this but it’s definitely something I can’t look past, it’s too much for me to deal with.

From Facebook/Instagram she looks like she’s coping, the kids have had holidays, birthdays parties blah blah.

So a different story to the train-wreck one he told you?

Just read that you have said he told you the child is not worth it as he gets too much shit from the mum. How do you even look at him. Absolutely outraged that poor child. I would hope when the child finally wants to meet him he comes up with a kinder reason for why he could not be bothered its whole life.

He said he hasn’t ever been to SS because she has her family who help her. Her parents too her first born off her and continue to support her with the other 5 children. One father of one of her children is involved.
From Facebook/Instagram she looks like she’s coping, the kids have had holidays, birthdays parties blah blah.

So not quite “none of the dads involved and an utterly shit Mum” like he said then?

I can't believe he is putting himself and his own comfort ahead of that of his child by refusing contact. Particularly if he feels his child is being dragged up.

lyralalala Agree with this 100%.

The one dad that’s involved is in jail at the moment for arson though
Yep that’s what he said, that being in contact with her again would give him too much shit. Wow.

If a woman can have an abortion a man should also be able to walk away when he's made his feelings clear from the beginning. He's still financially supporting. My issue is with the fact he lied/hid it from you

Poor kid.

I've been that kid and it sucks. It's so hurtful to have a parent that doesnt want you. Even if it wasnt about you initially as you were too young /not born it's a constant rejection.

Who knows maybe now he's older he'd make a different choice. That would be what I would judge him on OP, what would he do if he were in that situation now?

And does he really think that paying is enough? Or does he just want an easy life.

@Chantelle993 What does it tell you that he thinks the child is being brought up in a hideous home yet it’s too much hassle to get in touch?

I have this every single time my ex gets a new gf. He plays them the sob story about how I’m crazy, I’m a horrendous mother, I’m this, that and the other.

They swoop into my girls lives’, play Disney Dad and doting girlfriend for a few months. Then shit-mother here gets to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong and funnily enough he’s not too worried about the children’s welfare then.

Your partner doesn’t think she’ll give him too much shit, nor is he genuinely concerned about his child’s quality of life; he’s just not man enough to say to you bluntly that he didn’t, and still doesn’t, want to be a father so he walked away and abandoned his child

If a woman can have an abortion a man should also be able to walk away when he's made his feelings clear from the beginning.

Doesn't change the fact that there's a kid out there who asked for none of this who is having to grow up fatherless and in fairly challenging circumstances by the sound of it because 'It's not fair, women get a choice, why don't I?'

Tough. Life isn't fair, you play the hand you're dealt to the best of your abilities.

So actually he doesn’t bother because of the mum. Although she was obviously not bad enough to avoid having sex with. Nice.

If a woman can have an abortion a man should also be able to walk away when he's made his feelings clear from the beginning.

And you would explain this to the child how?? Is there anyway to explain this to a child without saying "so unfortunately your father turned out to be a monumentally selfish prick who thought you simply weren't worth any effort"??

So actually he doesn’t bother because of the mum. Although she was obviously not bad enough to avoid having sex with. Nice.

She was obviously not bad enough to leave a baby with either. what a prince.

There may be arguments in his favour to pay CM and stay away BUT the bottom line is that he has hidden this very important information for years, what else is he hiding or can hide?

If a woman can have an abortion a man should be held accountable when he had sex knowing that all PIV intercourse carries a risk of pregnancy

Fixed that for you.