Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

I think he has shown he can't be trusted. He lied to you and even worse although he supports the child financially he hasn't made any attempt to get to know his child or care fir him in any real sense. I would find that hard to forgive.

You are naming the right decision OP, he’s not a good person to abandon his child.

As many PO have said, if she was crazy and a shit mother, all the more reason to parent his child.

All this “ begging her not to have it “ is bollocks. Why the hell should a woman have an abortion to please a man - it’s her body ?

I’m sorry you’ve had such a nasty shock. My perfect man had a child, but I knew about this from the beginning. What you’ve experienced is the worst kind of deceit. If he can lie about that, I would be asking myself what else could he lied about. I would also ask myself what kind of a man can just ignore the presence of his child. It wouldn’t be the kind of man I could trust or want a relationship with. It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.
@Viviennemary that’s a completely different scenario, because if that happened then there wouldn’t be a child would there!

Would you judge a teenage mother who gave their child up for adoption?

I'm torn on the subject but I think this is a good point. I was a teen parent so I've been on the single mum's side of the fence. Yes it's awful for the child.

But you can't force someone to love that child even if it's their own. Providing the man made his intentions clear early on, you can't really hold it against him.

The mum knows she is going to be a SP by continuing the pregnancy. And I'm this case, the man is providing financially at least.

When a woman abandoned her newborn there's floods of sympathy.

Presumably because he didn’t want the child, and even asked her not to have it. Do we judge those who give their children up for adoption?

Women shouldn’t have abortion just because men want them too, but equally they shouldn’t expect a man who doesn’t want the baby to be there in any other way than financially.

0DETTE
All this “ begging her not to have it “ is bollocks. Why the hell should a woman have an abortion to please a man - it’s her body ?

Why a man should be forced to be a father???

I go by the idea that if someone can’t show their own child loyalty and step up to the mark when they’re needed, what loyalty do you expect them to have for you?

It may sound harsh, but that’s just the facts. He conceived with that woman. He is responsible and should’ve worn protection if he was so anti children. I love how men ‘don’t want the baby’ but only consider that once they’ve made one, like an abortion is such an easy option. The mind boggles. There’s so many single men out there, I wouldn’t settle for that. Good luck OP I hope you feel a bit more sure after the advice on here.

My child has never met his father, who was also my best friend Ex told was aghast when I was pregnant. Told me to abort or I’d never see him again. Given I found out the week after we’d had sex that he’d started seeing someone, this wasn’t a surprise.
Mid 30’s and went for a termination and couldn’t do it.
However despite never hearing from my ex again, I genuinely don’t think he’s a bad person. He was one of the nicest people I have met and genuinely honest I have no idea why he hasn’t got in touch but I suspect it’s a mixture of being guilty, embarrassed and not wanting further involvement with me.
I don’t think he worries about his child with me.
No idea what he’s told other girlfriends or maybe he’s married now. Perhaps he’s just compartmentalised this bit of his life. I don’t think men see children in the same way as women because their input at every stage - conception, pregnancy and birth is so much more remote.

it was still his choice to decide not to want a child and if she opted to have him anyway, that's not his fault.
Sorry but when he chose to have sex he had to accept that there may be a child. A man can't walk away from their responsibilities by saying it was the mother's choice to have the baby. She didn't have it by herself

Except they can, and do, clearly.

A woman may not make a child herself but if she knows the father has no intention of being involved and chooses to go ahead, then I don’t know what she can expect.

Its not about forced pregnancy, its entirely the oposite. Pregnancy and abortion happens to the woman's body, its physical and can leave permanent damage or take a woman's life whichever option you choose. No man should ever get to choose which one to inflict on a woman against her will, ever. That would be forced.

Once that life is birthed the responsibility is for that life so not just financial provisions. Choose to have sex then accept the risk a baby may be the result.

I would be very unhappy that he would emotionally and physically abandon his child to someone he describes as crazy. Bloody awful not to care one ounce about his own flesh and blood. Money is important so at least he did that, but to not even care about the well-being of his child is shit

If I become pregnant it's my body and my decision to decide to terminate or have the child.

A man can't make that decision but they should have the same choice to decide whether or not they want to be a parent as long as they take responsibility and contribute financially.

Horse shit.

A man has that chance, if he doesn't want to risk having a child then he can sort contraception himself and wear a condom, have a vasectomy or not put his dick in a woman.

Of course a woman gets the choice to abort or not, it's her body. The man gets the same control over HIS body before conception.

What a load of bollocks...oh the poor menz, accidentally spewing their sperm out and getting trapped by the crazy women (they deemed good enough to fuck).

After the baby is born there is no chance an even vaguely decent human being wouldn't begin putting their needs first.

Your prince charming abandoned his own child, that he chose to create when he fancied a fuck, with someone he says is completely unsuitable. 0% chance he is a good person.

Financial support is not a substitute for being involved in his dc's life.

ThePianist- unless he was raped by the woman then he wasn't forced to be a father, he took that risk having sex.

Also for everyone saying he shouldn’t have to look after a baby he didn’t want - If he felt that strongly why is he putting himself in the position to impregnate a ‘crazy’ woman whilst in a FWB situation - EVEN WORSE. Mutual accountability on both sides. He’s a disgrace.

Even if the ex is crazy (and that's a big if, given he's the one telling the story) and even if he didn't want to be a father at the time, the "perfect man" would have fought for partial custody anyway, and helped co-parent the child.

Regardless of the circumstances of having a child, the "perfect man" would do right by the child.

He's not perfect.

Don't like something? Easy, throw money at it and pretend it doesn't exist!

He's not perfect.

He was an adult who had consensual sex and became a parent. Good that he pays but imagine if every parent, male or female, decided that a few hundred pounds a month was the full extent of their responsibilities. Is there some place for kids to grow up magically by themselves that i don't know about?

If he felt that strongly why is he putting himself in the position to impregnate a ‘crazy’ woman whilst in a FWB situation

Exactly. If you don't want to become a father unexpectedly, don't have casual sex (or have a vasectomy).

I don’t think it would be a deal breaker unless I had specifically asked him previously if he had children and he lied to my face.

He’s paying a decent amount of child support so at least he is financially contributing to the child. He could have shirked responsibilities like you often read about on here! I agree with PP saying a woman has the right to decide not to be a parent by ending a pregnancy so the man should be able to do the same.

If someone can lie about as fundamental a thing as that, what else is he lying about?

From me it's a goodnight, Vienna.

This thread reminds of this really good post on Reddit a few years back. A guy has sole custody of his 18 month old son because the mother gave up all parental rights. She didn’t want to have the child at all. He kept pressuring her to NOT have an abortion. She only agreed to have the baby if she gave up all custody rights. She has nothing to do with the kid and pays 125% of the court mandated amount.

The OP wanted to know if he could take his ex back to court to force joint custody on her because he was tired and exhausted from being a single parent. Thankfully, he got a fucking pasting from other posters who told him to suck it up. He coerced and forced her to have the child knowing full well that she’d never be involved with it. She barely looked at the baby when he was born because she didn’t want him and clearly stated it several times to the OP. The ex-girlfriend considers herself an egg donor and not a mother. She’s doing her part by paying her child support but that’s it.

www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/

Haha Tell me about! No such beast exists!
Jesus I can’t believe I thought I had it all with him!
I’ve no problem meeting someone else, just hope I don’t get lied to like this again!

Why on earth do posters keep saying he should’ve fought for partial custody or tried to see his child?? He didn’t want a child!

If you don’t like pit bulls and your partner then decides to adopt a pit bull, thus leading you to break up with him... You don’t then fight to see or visit the pit bull that you didn’t want in the first dang place!

This is a highly unrealistic expectation to have for somebody.

Do she has 6 kids with 6 different men?

For me the lying I could get over the worry I would have is how he has treated his daughter. Would you like the thought of him walking away from your future children with him?