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Original poster

Finding out the perfect man has a child

343 replies

Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:07

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 18/05/2020 18:29

*tolerate or forgive

Original poster
Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:30

He’s never met the child aswell, he said being involved isn’t worth the sh*t he gets off her.

Wow!!

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowmobile · 18/05/2020 18:30

He didn't tell you probably because he suspected you might have an over the top reaction.

It's 'over the top' to not want to be with a person who has a child? Wow. He lied. He took her ability to walk away from a person who has kids before becoming emotionally involved. That's a really twat thing to do.

user1481840227 · 18/05/2020 18:31

Huge dealbreaker, no coming back from that tbh.
He's clearly a shit person, that 10 year old child could be upset wondering why their dad never wanted to see them.

Do you want children yourself?
Something to be aware of...even men who seem like good (or even great dads) when have kids sometimes are not bothered with them after a break up or put the bare minimum amount of time and effort into them. There have been many women stunned after they split from their partner and he goes from being a great dad to that.

In your case you have already seen that he has no issues abandoning children. You might think that that would be different if he lived with the child and raised them...but as I said for some men once the relationship is over the great dad stuff stops!! With this man you would have even more reason to believe he could do that in future!

As for the FWB he had the baby with, well how easy it is for him to judge considering his life got to carry on baby free and hers didn't! I'm assuming she was a similar age when she got pregnant, her whole life would have changed after that, and most of her freedom was gone. I would imagine her 'obsession' with him may have been some occasional contact with her trying to get him to share some of the load!!! It is hard to be a parent when you're only a teenager yourself!

CodenameVillanelle · 18/05/2020 18:33

I could NEVER be with a man who abandoned a child. Fuck him. The lying as well...boy bye

SandyY2K · 18/05/2020 18:33

This kind of situation comes about when people bring children into the world without any thought beyond immediate sexual pleasure.

It's like so so many threads on MN, where women have a baby with a man that they hardly know, or is not interested....it's all well and good saying "I want a baby"...but what about that child who has a father who sees them as simply another bill.

My friend was in your position OP. He was not part of his DDs life, but she is now grown up and he's getting to know her. He was in his late teens when his DD was born.

My friend is now engaged to him, but it did bother her for a while.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 18/05/2020 18:34

Wow that is a big lie.

If someone can hide something like that completely then what else might he not tell you.

Sounds awful. Not perfect (who is really) but worse he is sadly a liar and not to be trusted. I couldn't stay with a man like that.

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 18:35

You know how old he is now so you know how old he was then.

17/18 year old I can see making a stupid decision that doesn’t necessarily mean he’d do the same thing now that he’s older and wiser.

If he walked when she was pregnant then it would be very easy for him to feel nothing for this child he never wanted.

Lying to you is not ok. And it’s sad that now, older and you would hope wiser, he still wants nothing to do with his son.

I don’t think it necessarily follows that he’s the devil incarnate or even that he’d to the same thing to you and any future children though. I really don’t.

Original poster
Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:35

She already had one child before he slept with her. The child was living with her parents and is growing up there

OP posts:
highmarkingsnowmobile · 18/05/2020 18:35

This is a child here, Vivienne, a human being. It's not just 'his business', it's the child's as well and she may well want to contact him one day, impacting whatever family he goes on to create.

savehalloween · 18/05/2020 18:38

Anyone might be a bit 'crazy' after being treated like that.

He's not the perfect man, he's a shitty human and a liar

StealthMama · 18/05/2020 18:39

He hasn't lied, there could be loads of stuff you don't know about him after less than a year together. The fact is describe him as 'perfect' makes that true.

He was in his teens, he had to make a decision, he took financial responsibility. It was ten years ago. He might not feel able to make contact, it could be too weird, awkward, where would he start, what would he say. What if she won't allow contact, what if she's sold a load of lies to the kid. He might feel it's better to not rock the boat, given he hasn't formed an emotional attachment at this stage, it's easier to stay away.

But you having a go at him, or ditching him won't change his mind. Supporting him might though, in time.

Does your plan with him include having kids? How 'serious' do you think your relationship is?

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 18:39

I think a PP makes a valid point, too.

A year isn’t that long and you’re not living together. Is it possible that he would Have told you down the line, do you think?

No one here knows him. Only you.

highmarkingsnowmobile · 18/05/2020 18:40

She already had one child before he slept with her. The child was living with her parents and is growing up there

So what? He's this child's father. He lied to you about having brought a human being into the world because his selfish desires were more important than your being able to make a decision about a person who has a kid early on the in relationship.

Cooper88 · 18/05/2020 18:40

So everyone is saying he is a shit person shit bloke for not wanting to be involved in the child's life. From what the OP said he said from day 1 he didn't want a child with this women. So if he was a woman he could have had an abortion, as it stands he can't so had to suck up the fact the woman kept the child, and has had to pay for it despite not wanting a child with her. Only on MN would everyone take this viewpoint.
Also he shouldn't have lied to you, but there again if he doesn't see the child and doesn't view the child as his as it were I can see why he didn't tell you 🤷

Dozer · 18/05/2020 18:41

Your ex has clearly given very little thought to the interests, feelings or wellbeing of his biological child.

His focus still seems to be on himself.

He has shown you who he is.

AmNot · 18/05/2020 18:42

If I become pregnant it's my body and my decision to decide to terminate or have the child.

A man can't make that decision but they should have the same choice to decide whether or not they want to be a parent as long as they take responsibility and contribute financially.

No-one should be forced to be a parent. Conception is a biological event which is often unrelated to the want or desire to parent a child.

Lying about it is a seperate issue but no-one should be expected to parent a child they don't want and it doesn't make them a shit parent or person.

Dozer · 18/05/2020 18:43

Not only on MN, cooper: the law requires fathers to pay maintenance.

The needs and interests of DC with biological fathers who had not wanted to become parents (or indeed mothers, although mothers who abandon DC are few) have nothing to do with abortion.

Bunnymumy · 18/05/2020 18:43

So he knew already she had a child she wasnt looking after at the time? But he slept with her anyway without taking precautions. Either he wasnt very bright or he didn't care. Seems he has continued along the lines of not caring a jot.

I thoroughly get wanting to walk away from toxic ppl (if that is the case). But abandoning your own child with them, without a fight...coward.

highmarkingsnowmobile · 18/05/2020 18:44

Not revealing a huge part of your past, having created a child, is a lie by omission.

I'm so glad I'm not dating anymore. For me it was a total dealbreaker to be in a relationship with a person who'd had kids when I was single and childfree, but so many would lie I ended up having to ask point blank.

Viviennemary · 18/05/2020 18:44

He didn't lie. He chose not to tell the OP as it was in his past. He has not committed a criminal offence and is paying quite generous maintenance. Now she knows about the child she has chosen it would seem to end the relationship. That's her choice.

Raaaa · 18/05/2020 18:44

If you can accept the situation and move on there is hope otherwise it will torment you. I didn't know about my OH finances until we were looking for a house and we still have separate bank accounts.
I dated someone in the same position he was shit in the sense of parenting and had no intention of meeting the child even though it was encouraged by many people, but he paid the mum through the csa. I forgot he had a child most of the time, however the relationship didn't last for many other reasons

OhCaptain · 18/05/2020 18:46

But he slept with her anyway without taking precautions

Where does it say he didn’t take precautions? I can’t see it.

Dozer · 18/05/2020 18:47

Of course he lied. And he’s told OP why: because he feared that should he be truthful she wouldn’t want to date him or would dump him. As the majority of women would!

ie he lied so he could get what he wanted, when this was not in OP’s best interests to be kept in the dark.

user1481840227 · 18/05/2020 18:47

She already had one child before he slept with her. The child was living with her parents and is growing up there

The eldest child is being raised by her parents? or the child she has with your boyfriend?

As for the posters saying he didn't lie. Of course he did. There's some things you need to tell your partners, we can't think to ask every single question. Hiding something massive like that is lying!