Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

I don't understand how a decent person could actually chose not to be involved with their own child. Like it's not his responsibility. Great that he is paying financial support, but not seeing the child, who from the sound of it probably needs a stable adult in their life, is just dreadful.
Doesn't matter really whether he wanted the baby, whether he gets on with the mother, the fact that he is the father means he has responsibilities.
It's not great that he didn't tell you about it, or that you found out by accident.
What does he say about it now? Is it a matter of sadness that he doesn't see the child? Is he paying voluntarily or was he focred to do so?

The lying is bad but he did tell you when you asked...I don’t know, I have sympathy for him. He was clear he didn’t want the baby but obviously he didn’t get to make the decision about termination. If he was clear with the mother upfront that he didn’t want to have the baby she made her decision in that knowledge. And paying £600 per month, he has certainly met his responsibilities materially. Most people would have walked away and not paid a penny if someone else decided to have a baby they were clear that they wanted no part of. It’s a tough one but all the people frothing that he’s an awful excuse for a human being because he doesn’t want to meet a baby that he never wanted....I don’t know I just can’t get on board with that. He made a decision which he sticks by. If the child comes looking for him one day then I think it would be fair to meet her and talk to her but I don’t think he should impose himself in her life, and he clearly doesn’t want to.

And when is the right time to tell a new girlfriend that in the past you conceived a baby which you chose not to have but the mother decided to keep and you’ve never met but always paid for? It isn’t something to bring up early on in my book.

The question is, doesn’t he want children in the future and do you? You need to be compatible on that front if you’re to have a future together.

I really hope he dosnt have the gall to have more kids. How would that poor child feel if she looked him up and saw he didn't give two shits about her but started a new family. This is not a guy to have a relationship with and definitely not reproduce with.

Thank fuck the posters on here don't have influence on abortion rights.

Seems many here think you should be forced into parenting whether you want it or not.

I didn't. Had 2 terminations. Don't say it's different for men who should step up and parent even if they didn't want a child if you agree I shouldn't have been forced to.

The Pianist - do you really think men should get a say over women's bodies? Abortion isn't with out risk. You do get to choose to have sex or not and a baby is a possible result. Men do have that option of not having sex if they are so against having a baby. Also double up on protection is another option. So those poor men do have choices.

I agree with StealthMama, it’s 10 years ago, he was young, stupid and didn’t want children at that time! However he’s always paid towards the child’s upkeep, matured and realises the error of his ways. You don’t know exactly what went on and the difficulties they may have had regarding contact with the child. It doesn’t make him a bad person though. Yes he didn’t tell you but I would imagine that the child maintenance going out is just like another bill. None of this makes him a bad person, don’t blow everything out of proportion as it sounds like you have good relationship - talk to him!!!

I really don’t think I could avoid being permanently disappointed by a guy who hides a son he has never wanted to meet. What kind of bastard is that?

Biology isn't about fairness. Only women can get pregnant and have a baby. Having sex creates babies. Terminating a pregnancy doesn't result in a live birth of a human being that may live to be 100+ years old. That's a rather huge difference between abortion and birth

He has a child with a woman he describes as crazy and a train wreck and he is happy to never check on that child’s welfare. He’s a disgrace.

So many posters here are saying that it's unfair on the father, because he doesn't get a choice in whether a pregnancy is terminated or carried through. But surely everyone, men and women realise that sex can result in pregnancy? It's not exactly a bloody surprise is it, a rare occurrence?
If you don't want a baby then make sure you have adequate protection or abstain. But do bear in mind that most contraception is not 100% and what are you going to do if a pregnancy happens?

So if a woman doesn’t want a baby she’ll just get a termination and she’s ok but if a man doesn’t want a baby he has to be forced to be a father because the woman decides to keep the baby???

Foals- he’s paying maintenance for a child he never wanted and he never met . How is that fair? are men and women rights are not very equal on this site?

His choice as to whether to have a child or not, ended at the point where he had PIV sex and got his female partner pregnant. Men cannot have a say over what a woman does with her body. They know that. Which is why they have the choice over whether they have PIV sex or not, whether they are careful with contraception or not, and which sexual partners they choose.

All PIV sex carries a risk of pregnancy. No form of contraception is 100% reliable. Therefore by choosing to have sex, he has accepted that it carries a risk of pregnancy. He's also accepted that he has no control over what his female partner does with her body and any pregnancy that may arise as a result. He may not be happy about that, but it was his choice. And as a citizen of this country he is obliged to pay towards the cost of his child. If he chooses not to see that child - well that's decision. He could be involved in his/her life if he wanted.

PerfectPenquins - maybe it was failed contraception, how do you know? if no men have rights over a woman’s body, why would a woman have rights over a man’s life???
What I know is, if I choose to have a child with a man that doesn’t share my choice I would not forced him to be a father and prepare myself to be a single mum , is that simple .

@AmNot
Personally, I think it's fine to not want to parent a child you don't want with a person you don't want in your life so long as you take responsibility and provide financially.

Many will disagree.

I agree with you. I think on MN a lot of women push to have continuing relationships between children and their fathers when it would really just be better for everyone if the mother excises the child’s father out of their lives. As long as he keeps paying, and it’s a toxic/unwanted relationship, why bother on either side?

He’s paying directly into her bank account, they both agreed on it to keep the peace, not have to go through courts or whatever.

He said it’s a sad situation, he begged her he didn’t want the baby, wasn’t ready but she thought it would make him be with her. He’s claiming that with ME it’s different, he can see having a family with me.

This is all too much drama for me, I’m keeping my options open and will probably meet someone new

I had a choice not to have sex. 2 terminations. One conceived when I was on the pill and one when I was a teenager and got carried away with my selfish libidinal desires.

If you'd have been happy for me to he forced to have a child I didn't want, okay. Thank God you have no influence on abortion policy.

If you think it's different for men and they should just 'suck it up' and parent a child they don't want, why?

I don’t think anyone should be forced to parent. He rightfully didn’t get a choice over whether she terminated or not, but he made his feelings clear that he didn’t want to be involved and I do think that’s fair enough.

*What if the roles had been reversed, he'd wanted to have an abortion and he didn't. She would have had the option to have an abortion, forget about it all and never had to tell anyone.

He had none of that control.*

Men can have control in that situation by using a condom and disposing of it themselves. Of course it could break but condom failure is not common at all if used correctly.

If they shoot their baby batter up random women they don't see as wife & mum material, that's the risk they take .. having no control if she falls pregnant. Boo fkg hoo, use a rubber.

Their other option is not to have sex with women they don't see as serious relationship material - but if course that's totally and utterly unrealistic cause they are entitled to sex without strings or consequences in life.

Sorry but he’s not the perfect man

If you enter into a 'FWB' arrangement with someone, you have to accept the possibility that the result might be a pregnancy, and if it's not a committed relationship, how can you expect to be sure the other party shares your views about becoming parents - there's no reasonable expectation of trust, shared outlook etc. with someone who you're just shagging for the fun of it.

I'm not saying it's wrong to have a FWB, just that you should enter into such arrangements with your eyes open to the possibility that when two people have sex, the result might be a child.

5 different children with five different dads, if they are all paying maintenance she must be rolling in money.

He was a teenager, he stood by his child financially, the woman sounds grim.

Now you see why so many women procreate with tossers and then wind up alone or surprised when they finally realise he's a dickhead: so many low standards. Oh, poor guy! Oh, he pays such generous maintenance, it's just another bill going out (it's a human being, not a Sky subscription), it's in the past ('it' is a human being who is still alive), what a great guy.

He lied about having a child. He hasn't met his own child because of that child's life isn't, but his own words, worth the fallout to him in dealing with his ex; he lied to you about having a child because of what he wanted. It's all about him. Shows how much he's grown up in 10 years.

Honestly, get a self-esteem and some higher standards.

Would you judge a teenage mother who gave their child up for adoption?

I think it would be better if you do meet somebody new. He might even be the perfect man.

Wow. He didn’t tell you for a YEAR! That’s the bad bit. He deliberately misled you. That’s the bit that would be the deal breaker for me. Plus he slept with her unprotected even though he knew he didn’t want kids and then wanted her to have an abortion! Charming.

Perfect man, how old are you OP. There is no such beast