Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

If a woman wasn’t able to have an abortion and wanted to give the child up, but couldn’t because the father didn’t consent to it, I would expect the father to have to raise the child alone, and no I would not judge. There’s a fairly high profile example of this on Reddit and the guy that wanted to force the mother to parent got thoroughly flamed.

I can’t say, as a woman, I would be willing to parent a child I actively didn’t want. Thankfully I have options men don’t have, so I do understand where this guy is coming from.

Again, there’s a difference between giving up a child to a couple who want kids via vetted system and leaving them with someone you deem toxic.

—————
But, faced with a child he actively didn’t, and clearly doesn’t, want he didn’t have a choice but to do that, as likely the mother was against the child being placed for adoption.

Again, there are those that give up children because they don’t want to be parents, and the child is unwanted by them.

Really are there though? I mean in this day and age when contraception and abortion are available? I’d be surprised if there were many women going through pregnancy and birth then just merrily handing the baby over because they don’t quite fancy the night feeds after all.

And even if they did - it’s still not analogous at all - because even if the sole reason they gave their child up was that they didn’t fancy parenting, they’d still be doing so within in a system in which they can have the reasonable expectation that the child will go to suitably vetted parents who will love them and be capable of providing a good upbringing.

This guy has said the ex is crazy, unstable, toxic etc. So either he’s happy to dump the child he’s 50% responsible for creating with such a person, or he’s lying about what a shit show the mother is to justify his decision to dump his child. Either way - crap parent.

Yes, there are. There are women that don’t find out about the pregnancy until later and can’t access abortion, or are prevented from aborting (be it by law - not UK specific, or by family/partners) who choose to give a child up because they want a child free life. Why would you think otherwise?

The father had no choice in placing the child for adoption if the mother was against it, or chances are he would have done. His only choice to not raise an unwanted child, was to walk away.

Imagine in a country where abortion isn't allowed. A young teenager is told no sorry you had sex you must be a mother to that child for the next 18 years. If you didn't want children you should have been sterilised. It would be seen as outrageous.

@ThePriceisRight You know what? I don’t particularly want to deal with either of my parents getting dementia. But if they do I’m not going to completely abandon them because it’s a “hassle” because I have this annoying thing called a conscience which tends to affect me that way. YMMV

And “parenting” isn’t an all or nothing thing. He doesn’t need to become the kid’s sole provider to make a difference. A meeting, one day a week would be a start.

Why is this being compared to abortion?! Abortion = end of pregnancy, no human child. THIS = a ten-year-old walking around alive.

But, faced with a child he actively didn’t, and clearly doesn’t, want he didn’t have a choice but to do that, as likely the mother was against the child being placed for adoption.

Or you know, he could grow up and realise that yes, it’s hard on him that he didn’t choose the situation (although the situation wouldn’t exist at all if he hadn’t chosen to have unprotected sex with this terrible, toxic woman) but that ultimately what he wants is less important than the fact the child exists and he has a responsibility to it.
There’s lots of things that have happened in my life I didn’t want or choose- but he’s the adult and there’s an innocent child in all this.

Again, he can’t be forced to do any more than he’s doing. The only legal obligation he has is to provide financially and apparently he’s meeting that. I can still think it’s shitty though, and the OP absolutely can and should weigh up what it says about his morals and whether she can live with that in a partner.

It’s not a decision he made as a teenager, it’s a decision he makes every day now as an adult.

I love and have a long-standing emotional connection to, and relationship with, to my parents, which wouldn’t be the case with a child I was forced to have and chose to give up, so I don’t think the two situations are necessarily analogous.

We’re arguing in circles at this point. Fair enough if it’s a dealbreaker for some and fair enough that it’s not for others IMO. We all get to make choices over our own lives, applying our own values.

It’s quite clear he isn’t quite as ‘Perfect’ as you thought then.

Not only did he lie and made you find out the truth in your own - but he doesn’t even want to be involved in his child’s life.

What’s so ‘perfect’ about that ??

who choose to give a child up because they want a child free life. Why would you think otherwise?

I think (and in the case of my own situation and the many people I know from adoption network) otherwise because it is very very rarely a simple case of just wanting a child free life and it’s hugely reductive to imply otherwise.

You’re right we’re arguing in circles. But, as said before, all else aside, it boils down to this:

Your kid exists.

Ten years on, your kid is in a toxic situation.

What do you do?

a) say “not what I wanted, but I can be the positive influence this kid needs”. Make a difference for the better.

b) say “not my business, too much hassle”.

The UK adoption network, which is impacted by the liberal abortion laws that given women a choice in that respect, are not the whole picture when it comes to adoption. There exist plenty of women who are forced to have children they don’t want, who choose to give those children up because they don’t want them.

In much the same way I don’t judge those women, and don’t expect them to reappear in their children’s lives years later, I don’t judge this man.

But even if he is a perfect father to those children, it wouldnt stop him being a shit parent to the older one.

Well, no it wouldn't. Is that relevant to whether or not he would be a decent father to future children? I don't think it is!

So @ThePriceIsNotRight and @OhCaptain - how would you answer the question I presented, if it were you?

Simple a or b.

I would say the father made his feelings known when the mother was pregnant, and he’s not changed his mind since. If there’s a question about the child’s living conditions then he should contact social services, but no I don’t think he should be expected to be a father when he has been consistent in not being from the very start.

I don’t see any value in forcing fatherhood into someone who would only be resentful, which would further hurt the child.

Well, no it wouldn't. Is that relevant to whether or not he would be a decent father to future children? I don't think it is!

I just hope for a future where women have higher standards of potential fathers to their future children.

That would be your right. But I don’t think there’s anything amiss with the notion that many people - the OP included - would interpret option a as being the more laudable action and a positive/desirable character trait in one they’d want as a partner. The plots of thousands of stories - from Han Solo in Star Wars to Schindler in Schindler’s List to The Witcher - are inspired by people presented with similarly inconvenient people in need after all. There’s a reason why.

above responding to @ThePriceIsNotRight*

There is a difference in going through the legal process of adoption, and abandoning your child knowing they remain uncared for.

A woman or couple going through the difficult process of adoption should not be compared to a man ignoring his child. It is nonsense to compare the two.

Saying a 10 year old child should be aborted is utterly horrific.

Op, has he contacted social services?

Why do so many women encourage deadbeat Dad boyfriends to get, it or increase, access to their kids?!

It annoys the life out of me

If a man wants to be a Dad he will put in the effort to do that.

If he needs to be pushed/cajoled/persuaded/shamed into it by his latest girlfriend then he doesn’t want it

So judge him on that, but for the love of god stop encouraging these men to barrel into their children’s lives to impress you, because when you realise he’s a twat and dump him the kid gets hurt again when Dad loses interest

I think if you make the stand you won’t be forced into fatherhood and you don’t think you have done anything wrong, I then you should be brave enough to tell future partners about it .Given a big chunk of money is leaving every month to support the child.

People do lots of things for lots of reasons.Establishing the whys and wherefores are how you get to know if a person is right for you.Hiding things doesn’t bode well. Blaming it on the other party also doesn’t bode well.