Finding out the perfect man has a child

[Chantelle993]

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

God this is frustrating.
All the comments saying if he didnt want a child he should have worn a condom. Made sure she was on the pill. Double contraception. Abstinence.

Is that what you'll say to women who have abortions (excluding rape abuse etc etc) "well love.. if you didnt want a child you should have doubled up on contraception"?!

He didnt want this child. You weren't there when they had sex. You dont know what precautions they took. He didnt want a child. Has more than supported the child.
Why should he be blasted for not doing more.

This sounds like a horrible shock but I can understand how the situation developed with him not telling you and I personally would forgive him for that.

Most people are not ready to be parents in their late teens. Plenty still aren’t when they approach 30. Mr Imperfect might not have been ready but he might in the years ahead. Make sure you don’t have an accidental pregnancy with him. He’s shown himself to be the kind who will want to plan his family in the right time and the right way and he might be a good partner and father. I’ve got sympathy for him. He pays a lot of maintenance that will restrict your options for a further few years in terms of saving for a future, childcare, etc. Does the loss of £600 from the pot each month create difficulties for any plans you hoped to have with him? It sounds like this is a pivotal time. If it doesn’t kill your relationship, it will make it stronger because all cards are now coming on to the table.

@TryingToBeBold that is definitely what the (ultra) conservative wing of MN says to people. It’s gross. It doesn’t take into account that mistakes and real life happens.

I actually felt sorry for him, he was crying his eyes out. Let me guess? Because he got caught!
But honestly, I felt bad and tried to give him the best advice I could. To stop burying his head in the sand and face up to it. I know he’s paying but I worry about the DC.

Ewwwww get rid 🤢🤢

Do other people know about the child ? Friends and family ? Has he asked them to keep it from you?

@Chantelle993
And how would that affect the child? Sorry DC heres your dad after 10 years (you also dont know what the mums said) I.e. this is the dad that didnt want you. This is the person that's actually your dad not XYZ. This is the person who walked out when I was pregnant.
What effect is that going to have on the child?

@JingsMahBucket its actually vile. That if a mistake happens a woman is allowed to abort. But if a mistake happens a man should have done more. Should stick around. Is an asshole if he doesnt..

So he lied to you, but you are now trying to make him feel better.

Men don’t get a choice though do they,yes he should of worn a condom,he might have done but ultimately it upto the woman,if a woman doesn’t want the baby she has a termination

Hmm, it's not great but .... the possible mitigating factor for me would be if he was really young at the time i.e. 17/18 ....

He didn’t want a child!

As a man he had the opportunity and chance to exercise this choice BEFORE conception. Don't want a child? Don't have sex with a woman without a vasectony, condoms, or at all.

What's with all this rubbish being spouted?

So a bloke gets to fuck wherever he may please but bears no responsibility except financial towards the wellbeing of any child that may result?

Some of you set the bar so low for the poor menz behaviour. Starting to see why the relationship board gets so much traffic!

You are well rid op, in the real world we all know what kind of man would completely emotionally neglect a child he chose to partake in creating.

(Again, as above, yes he did fucking chose to potentially do that)

@Chantelle993 you’re being very harsh and sneery. Sounds like a pretty quick turnaround in your thinking...

@0hCapain A teenage mistake is one thing but now he’s more mature [?] he still hasn’t stepped up to his responsibilities.

I disagree. He’s been paying maintenance this entire time. That’s all he can be forced to do.

He can’t be forced to love a child he doesn’t know and didn’t want.

I can sort of see why he didn’t mention it. Up to a point it’s not really OP’s business. And it’s highly likely that he doesn’t see this child as a secret child because he doesn’t know him. He’s not in his life. So his existence wouldn’t have any bearing on OP’s life unless they had joint finances. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The child is not a part of his life, so I can understand why he didn't tell you.

@choctimeout

And how do you know he didnt? He didnt use a condom? She wasn't on the pill?

As for vasectomy he was obviously younger

Run.

It's not the secrecy, it's the fact that he refuses even now to provide any parenting to his child other than money.

As I read it, he didn’t lie..... just didn’t offer up the info voluntarily - a significant difference.

I have never wanted children, thank goodness I am female and that decision is always 100% mine to make. I think they were both stupid and irresponsible, a ‘fwb’ relationship should start with the ‘what if’ discussion and only continue if both parties are content with the others feelings - how many teenagers do this though... very few I suspect. He never wanted a child, he couldn’t stop her going ahead, he has paid his share financially but never signed up to parent and shouldn’t be punished for not doing something he never agreed to do........ you can’t make someone parent. I don’t think he is morally any different to a woman who chooses an abortion because they, for whatever reason choose not to parent at that time. The fact that a child exists, without emotional input from two parents was the woman’s choice as much as his.

Abstinence

Abstinence gets a poor press nowadays, but if more people waited until they were in a committed, monogamous relationship before they started having sex, there would be fewer cases like this because at least in a committed relationship, you have a fighting chance of genuinely being in agreement about whether you want a child or not.

Is that what you'll say to women who have abortions (excluding rape abuse etc etc) "well love.. if you didnt want a child you should have doubled up on contraception"?!

Errr no.

The woman is the one whose body could be irreparably damaged by pregnancy, who takes the physical brunt of pregnancy. She has control over what happens to her body and can choose an abortion (thank god).

The man has no say over what hapoens to the womans body (again, thank god) but he has complete control over his own BEFORE conception.

So yes, maybe unfair but that's biology. And to be perfectly fucking frank, biology usually favours the male.

Yes, in this case men have tovtake respo sibility for their own actions before conception. Unless you are suggesting that women bear all the bloody responsibility, both before and after conception, and the poor little bepenised darlings just can't help themselves.

I actually rather like men (the good kind I know ) but can't stand the bollocks on this thread, abdicating feckless fathers of all responsibility because they can't choose to force a woman to have an abortion...

A woman also has complete control over HER own body before contraception.
So why doesnt she try and prevent it too?

Men don’t get a choice though do they, yes he should of worn a condom,he might have done but ultimately it upto the woman,if a woman doesn’t want the baby she has a termination

Yes, men do get a choice. It's called taking responsibility. If they don't want a child, they have measures at their disposal to ensure they don't have a child. Condoms aren't failsafe, but they are reasonably effective. A woman can't sabotage contraception if a man assumes that responsibility for himself.

I would never consider a relationship with a man who refused to acknowledge his own child.

Incidentally, my father did this with my elder half-sibling. Once he had a ready made family in the form of my mother, me and my younger sibling, he couldn't be arsed to maintain any form of relationship from his elder, estranged child. My mother was disgusted with him and it drove a huge wedge into their relationship. In the meantime, my younger sibling and me were denied a relationship with the half-brother we only knew existed late into our teens - because our father couldn't be bothered with him.

I have never forgiven him.

The man has no say over what hapoens to the womans body (again, thank god) but he has complete control over his own BEFORE conception

A woman had complete control over her own BEFORE conception.
So maybe she could prevent it more too.

@TryingToBeBold then that is the risk they BOTH took. We all know there is always a risk.

If he absolutely did not want a child then he should have kept his dick in his pants.

@TryingToBeBold what part of biology not being equally fair in all situations are you struggling with?

this is all a bit bullshit.

Either there is enough honesty between you and this man and enough very clear blue water between him and the mother of his child that you can trust what he says AND you are emotionally intelligent enough to be prepared to be a step parent...…

OR

you (and maybe he led you to believe) always wanted the Cinderalla ending and it is clearly not going to be like that.

End it.

And find a man who definitely does not have children (yet) so you can be the first person to have children with him.