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Original poster

Finding out the perfect man has a child

343 replies

Chantelle993 · 18/05/2020 18:07

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, swept me off my feet. We’re together a year and was planning a future. But I have just found out he has a child he didn’t tell me about! How I found out? I accidentally swiped onto a photo on his phone and it showed a screen shot of a bank statement showing the baby mother’s name. I ignored it and months later I brought it up again. Things were so serious between us and he confessed!

He was apparently scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me! Wow! He explained he had the child when he was late teens with a FWB. He went on to tell me he has always paid CSA, she gets £600 a month, showed me his bank statements to prove but wanted nothing to do with the FWB or Child. He had told her from day one he didn’t want it. He explained the situation with the FWB was toxic and she went onto have 4 more children with 4 different Dads. She had become obsessed with him and was a train wreck. Of course she was ‘Crazy’!

I did my digging and found much of what he said was true. She had been in local news for being arrested for a fight and her new partner was in jail. Apart from this, she seemed an ok mother. I can’t judge, I don’t know her.

I told him he’d buried his head in the sand for too long. He should make contact with her and see the 10 year old child. He thought about it and chose not to.

I’m left devastated. I haven’t shown him how this has hurt me. I’ve been isolating with a friend, she says I should give him another chance, not everything is black and white. He made a mistake but she can see how much he loves me. Seriously!!!? Heads all over the place!! What do you think about this!?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 18/05/2020 18:48

It doesnt, I'm guessing. Be ause generally speaking, condoms prevent pregnancy.

Techway · 18/05/2020 18:48

How long have you been together and how old is he?

I think deceit of this nature shows his character. It might not be a first date conversation but he should have let you know early on. If he had nothing to hide he should have been honest.

highmarkingsnowmobile · 18/05/2020 18:50

It's not in his past, the child is still alive Hmm.

Pixieblu · 18/05/2020 18:54

I wouldn't trust anyone or have children with anyone who willingly chose to abandon their own child.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

SpilltheTea · 18/05/2020 18:55

Your friend is an idiot for telling you to give this waste of space another chance.

SusieOwl4 · 18/05/2020 18:56

Did you specifically ask him if he had children?

He does seem to have told the truth about the circumstances.

Any other red flags at all ?

I am probably the exception but if it was going to be the love of my life and everything else was ok , I am not sure what I would do tbh.

Bunnymumy · 18/05/2020 18:56

Well that's a bit harsh. Perhaps she was going through mental health issues and needed her parents to look after the kid.

Though I guess if she then kept making more...my sympathy dwindles.

SirGawain · 18/05/2020 18:57

@0hCapain A teenage mistake is one thing but now he’s more mature [?] he still hasn’t stepped up to his responsibilities.

SusieOwl4 · 18/05/2020 18:58

And I am surprised he was paid . There are a lot of so called fathers that won’t even do that.

Gutterton · 18/05/2020 18:59

Was she a FWB or is that he chose to define / devalue her in retrospect?

LonginesPrime · 18/05/2020 19:02

Aside from the terrible parent thing (which would be a dealbreaker for me), he lied once, he'll lie again.

It's ridiculous to give him another chance - you would only be giving him another chance to lie to you and hurt you,

doughnutmuffin · 18/05/2020 19:02

The fact that he has said being in the child's life isn't worth the shit from her shows he was and is still fully prepared to take the easy way out. Co-parenting must so difficult and if not done right it's the child that suffers

Yes if it were the other way around a woman could have a termination and not have to explain herself but a man is also fully aware of his lack of rights if sex results in a pregnancy

cheeseontoast7 · 18/05/2020 19:04

I personally don’t think he’s done anything wrong. I’ve always thought how unfair it is on men as they don’t have a choice (most of the time) in abortion and they are then forced to have a child against their will but a women can choose.

He’s paying for a child he didn’t choose have. I can understand why you are upset over this, but if his child isn’t in his life through his own choice then I suppose he doesn’t class himself as a dad so didn’t choose to say anything.

NailsNeedDoing · 18/05/2020 19:05

The fact that he hid it isn’t great, but nor is it unforgivable. I don’t agree that it’s a red flag. You’ve only been seeing each other a very short time, would you have told him if you’d had an abortion by now? I agree with the POV that he’s done nothing different to the very many women that have had terminations. I wouldn’t judge them harshly for their choices so I wouldn’t judge this bloke either.

It’s no different. It sounds like he’s very generous for giving as much as £600 a month maintenance.

Namechange198800 · 18/05/2020 19:06

If you asked him if he had a child and he said no, then you found out he actually did then he would be lying. But because he was honest to you about it that's not actually lying as such, he just didn't tell you something about his life.

He is paying maintenance. That's more than what most fathers would do who have said from the beginning they don't want to keep the child. He was young, a teenager still. As a PP said, maybe he doesn't want to intervene with anything as it's been too long now.

I do see both sides OP. And that's coming from a single mother myself where the father walked away at 3 months old. My child is now 6 years old. I completely understand the shock of it on your behalf.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 18/05/2020 19:06

It would be the lying that would get me I think. It’s a big secret to have kept from you and based on that I wouldn’t want to know him know.

If he had been up front from the off I have a child, I don’t have contact with but I do pay child support. It may or may not of bothered me, as he is Helping ensure the child a decent quality of life by paying child support. I am of the opinion no father is better for a child than a drifter, that can’t be a good dad.
It’s also 100% the woman’s decision to keep a baby or not, so they can decide to opt out of being a parent too just this woman choose not too. He choose to opt out, he made his choice, she made hers.

But the secret/ lie would be too much for me.

Pelleas · 18/05/2020 19:09

A child would be a no for me even if its parent was the best father in the world - if I found out a man had lied about being childfree it would be the end of the relationship.

butterpuffed · 18/05/2020 19:10

He was lying by omission but are you sure he's telling you the truth now ?

He's told you that her oldest child lived with her parents and still does.
He's said that she's had four more children since his was born and they're by four different dads.

How does he know all this ?

Bunnymumy · 18/05/2020 19:11

'He's paying maintenance' oh well thars all tight then. Role out the knighthood because ges doing something he is SUPPOSED to be doing. What a hero... ... :/

Also, you dont know if he agreed to pay it or if she had to go through courts or whatever else to get him to pay up. Maybe it's so high because he didn't pay the whole time. Back child support. Or maybe, he is downplaying the relationship, and more than one of the children is his.

Tappering · 18/05/2020 19:12

I would walk away.

Purely on the basis that sometimes life throws a situation at us which we didn't choose. And how you react to that situation says a lot about you as a person.

In his case, he has withheld the information that he has a child. He may not have lied directly but he sure as hell has concealed a pretty major detail from you - that's strike one.

His FWB became pregnant. It's not clear whether he took responsibility for contraception or not. He didn't want the baby, but she did. At which point he needed to step up and accept responsibility. The choice as to whether to accept a pregnancy or not will never be equal, simply because men cannot get pregnant. However they can control their risk of impregnating someone by choosing their sexual partners carefully, using contraception, and accepting that the only 100% effective form of birth control is abstinence. All PIV carries a risk of pregnancy unless one of the parties has been sterilised. However he's using the fact that he didn't want the baby as an excuse for his behaviour. That's strike two.

Then he's rolling out the 'crazy ex' script. This is such a tired old cliche that I'm tempted to award him a strike just for lack of originality. But let's assume he's right and his ex truly is crazy. Why is he leaving her to raise his child and not making an effort to be involved in the child's life? If the ex is truly so bad, then how can anyone with any shred of integrity be comfortable with a young child being left in such a precarious and vulnerable position? When he says it's not worth the shit, he means that he couldn't be less interested if his child is suffering, because he doesn't actually care enough to put himself out to see if he or she is being cared for properly. That's a pretty damning indictment of his personality. That's strike three.

If you had a baby with him, wouldn't you find it really awful to look at him caring and playing with that baby, in the knowledge that he has another child out there that he's never even bothered to meet for the last decade? And in the back of your mind, wouldn't you be worried that he could one day turn around and walk out on you and your kids without so much as a backwards glance?

ThePianist38 · 18/05/2020 19:12

So if a woman doesn’t want a baby she’ll just get a termination and she’s ok but if a man doesn’t want a baby he has to be forced to be a father because the woman decides to keep the baby???

Your partner did not want the baby, she chose to have it , he’s doing the right thing and paying for a child he didn’t want in the first place . I understand why he wouldn’t tell you about the child if he doesn’t have a relationship with him/her. I would give him a chance if he’s as good as you say he is, giving he’s got no other secrets that will come out later .

Foals · 18/05/2020 19:13

So he's left a child of his to deal with his so-called "toxic" ex who even he didn't want to know (after obviously sleeping with her though).

That's even before you get to the lie.

How is that perfect?

saraclara · 18/05/2020 19:15

She had five children with five different dads? Does that include the one she had before she had your boyfriend's baby?

I can sort of see why he's not wanting to get involved with her again.

This is a tough one. I can imagine him being a totally different person from the teenager he was back then. Have you asked him whether he would have told you in the end? And when?

PerfectPenquins · 18/05/2020 19:17

Of course he chose to have a child. A child is a possibility from having sex. If you really dont want a baby then double up on contraception but the reality is a baby could be conceived from sex its pretty basic stuff here.

House points for doing the absolute minimum and paying each month yey go him, what a stand up guy Hmm

I wouldn't be at all impressed, he has had ten years to grow the hell up and look after his child. He has chosen not to do that. Not something I find attractive in anyone. He is a coward who takes the easy option.

ThePianist38 · 18/05/2020 19:18

Foals- he’s paying maintenance for a child he never wanted and he never met . How is that fair? are men and women rights are not very equal on this site?