Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

Well done for leaving OP

I too have a similar DH problem. But his threats of getting my beatiful DS 50/50 hold me back. And he reminds me I don't really have anywhere to go.

Your DD will see just how strong you are. It's not the same thing but I remember being homeless when I was 4...i still remember how amazing my mum was at the time

Well done for leaving the abuse
. How old is your dc. You have set her a good example.
It is likely to be tough for a while but hang on in there. Your brain is likely to tell you that it will be catastrophically awful but things will get better. ( Did your xp say that you would be lonely as part of his abuse by any chance? Your brain will have been conditioned by him to believe this but lots of people have been where you are and will testify that there is a much better life waiting for you. Who do you think it is best to believe??😁)
Just keep going with coping with the next ten minutes for now!

You have said it all yourself. You have a very clear view of the whole situation but I know it feels scary. I'm glad you've got somewhere to go to and I'm glad you are showing your daughter the way. Draw on any real life help you can. It's important. Do everything you can to block him on all channels. You have got this. You will succeed!

You’re strong & brave. Well done!

I think you have done exactly the right thing and you have been very brave, it takes a massive amount of courage to leave. He won’t change no matter how many times he says he will, trust me I know this, I never had the strength or the courage to go it alone... Keep going and don’t look back. Holding your hand all the way.

Well done OP.
You are setting an excellent example to your DD.
No-one should live like that.
I hope your dad is a massive support for you.
Stay strong.
You've got this!
But here's an extra (((((HUG))))) to help you on your way!
All credit to you. It's so hard, but you've done it.
Now block, ignore and delete for now.

I have logs on my phone of sulks and tantrums and threats going back 2 or 3 years about the same shit as yesterday. It kicked off because dd didn’t want to try a new food (she is 5 and has a lot of sensory issues around food etc) but because the food wasn’t particularly nutritious I said it was ok and she had fruit instead. He went mad, stonewalled us from 3pm til when dd was in bed then the abuse was all about how I undermine him and I can’t co parent. Looking back he has always overstepped with my dd since when he first met her and actually I have let him too much. He’s pretty rubbish with her a lot of the time, strict and joy sucking and lazy at turns. I just wasn’t going to back him up this time. And I paid for it. while he was in her bedroom yelling at me I knew it was time to leave. I should have done it long ago.

It’s the champion sulks, moods, tantrums and gaslighting that never fucking change. I was packing my bag today and every step he was goading me. To finish with “what if I get sick??” He was only thinking of himself and trying to guilt me.

Did he follow you into dd’s room yelling? Children’s bedrooms should be their safe space x

Keep going op!
This is the start of a better life.

It might get harder before it gets easier, bit but you are strong and you will get through it.

All his venomous, horrible insults are because he is losing and he knows you are brave enough to break away from his abuse. See through his lies.

After he told me to fuck off back to her room (after she was in bed) he then came in and was trying to get me to come out. Wouldn’t leave until I got really angry with him. He couldn’t switch it off, no respect for the fact it was dd space. He’s nasty. I had to leave.

See all he cares about is himself.
Congratulations on freedom.

I dumped my ex who wasn't dc's df.. Told him to leave and filed for divorce the same day. He also wasn't a decent person to be around my dc. No regrets.
And I did meet - and marry - again at 42!! And had another dc.
Your new life is just beginning op..
Embrace it.

Well done OP! You are incredible.

This is the first step but it’s the biggest step. Be prepared, it isn’t going to be easy but it’s going to be so so worth it.

Love and strength to you

I think you made a good call with this one! Always remember him yelling at you while you DD slept in the same room. That’s not normal behaviour ever x

It isn’t normal, is it? A good person let alone a good parent wouldn’t behave that way or say those things to their spouse. I HAVE to remember it as the further I get from home city the harder it is to remember all the bad and I’m terrified of caving in.

Maybe keep writing bad stuff on the thread! Use it as a sounding board! You can re-read when you are questioning yourself? X

Keep writing on here op. Every bad he has ever done when you feel yourself wavering. And reread it over and over. Keep strong.

No it isn't normal. The respectful thing to have done would be for him to have waited until DD was in bed and then quietly explained why he felt undermined. Then you could have explained why you made the decision you did and he would have listened and accepted your viewpoint. Then you would have discussed it together and come to some sort of agreement about how to move forward based on what you felt was best for DD and for your relationship.
It is interesting that your dad has some issues with food as this can sometimes happen when children feel they need some control over things. I'm not saying this is definitely the case with your DD but it could be worth thinking about .

Don't ever go back...let your DD see a healthy relationship, so she doesn't end up with an abusive man like this.

Well done, I left mine a year ago and haven't looked back.
Goodluck and dint believe his pleas he won't change. I tried it and within months after months of couple's counselling he was back to his old ways

Massive strength and thoughts to you, what a brave and strong woman you are, keep going in the right direction, a better life awaits 🌻

I left my H this morning too, have my own thread going. My heads just blurred. I can relate to so much of what your saying

Good luck OP. You’ve done the right thing

Another one here who thinks you've done exactly the right thing, OP. Well done to you! Such a good example for your DD about what is acceptable in relationships and what is not. It's a huge deal and you're bound to feel wobbly but the longer you are away from your H, the more you will come to love the feeling of calm, safety and freedom which you will get from having escaped his sulks, tantrums and bullying and the more you will realise that you have made the right choice.