Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally left my H. Keep me strong

193 replies

Elderhedge · 11/05/2020 14:09

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 11/05/2020 20:00

Well done! You have given your daughter a gift by leaving. When times get tough try to remember that. ♥️

Fairycake2 · 11/05/2020 20:01

Well done OP. It definitely sounds like you've done the right thing. You are bound to feel sad but try and remember that you have done what is best for you and DD and you aren't making her grow up in an awful environment. Definitely write all the bad bits down and re-read regularly to keep you strong. Sending hugs 💐

dublingirl653 · 11/05/2020 20:05

Oooh well done
This was me and dc not so long ago

Do not go back
Block on every platform
Don't even ask him for anything he will use it to get at you and maybe try to win you back
Take one day at a time and congrats to being able to stick up for yourself and your innocent DD
She must have been petrified
Sounds like a real piece of scum

CodenameVillanelle · 11/05/2020 20:09

Your poor DD
You've subjected her to this horrible man for years. Now you've finally accepted that he's horrible you need to stick to it.

cantarina · 11/05/2020 20:11

Well done OP, this is the first day of the rest of your fantastic life, you only get one and don't let anyone else spoil it for you and drag you down. Here's to freedom (chinks virtual cocktail with you) x

Holothane · 11/05/2020 20:14

Well done💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

billy1966 · 11/05/2020 20:34

Well done for finally leaving.

That sounds utterly terrifying for you both.

Don't look back.
Flowers

Lolliloo1234 · 11/05/2020 20:44

You’re amazing. It is so hard to leave an abuser, they always know how to suck you back in. How brave and courageous are you...you’ve broken the cycle. You have broken it more than you know...your DD may now have a chance at a healthy viewpoint on romantic relationships, understanding that abuse is not love.

You rock!

Original poster
Elderhedge · 11/05/2020 21:56

I feel really sad and nervous tonight about what I’ve done. Last night I barely slept planning our escape and this morning I felt confirmed because he was being so nasty. However now I’m safe at my dads (and he and my stepmum have been amazing) I am just obsessing over did I neglect our relationship, did I push him away, was I a bad wife? I need to keep remembering the bile he would say to me in rows..
Shitty wife
Full of shit
Fucked up
Selfish
Like talking to a brick wall
Manipulative
Drama queen
Controlling
Terrible partner
Crazy

I am not those labels.
Thank you all for your support, this helps and I will keep coming back x

OP posts:
Original poster
Elderhedge · 11/05/2020 21:57

I even feel sorry for him right now. It’s like I’m minimising everything, looking for a way it’s my fault.

OP posts:
watermelonpink1 · 11/05/2020 22:21

You are amazing!!!! Just you wait every day that goes past you will start adjusting to a better freeer life !!! You will love it and be able to breathe and no more panic or eggshells and you will find out very soon those are hostile wordsforyou, no one else's !! Your gonna have days you will wanna cave but come on here and write when you miss him and we will all keep you going !! Be proud!!! Best thing I ever did leaving!!! Xx

Lolliloo1234 · 11/05/2020 22:22

@elderhedge you did the right thing. He is awful. If you can get some kind of counselling over the phone then do prioritise it. It’ll help you stay strong.

Think of your DD - would you want her with a man like your DH? No? Then you shouldn’t expect that for yourself either.

SandyY2K · 11/05/2020 23:10

I even feel sorry for him right now. It’s like I’m minimising everything, looking for a way it’s my fault.

Change your narrative on this. It's him. Not you. If a man treats you like crap, he doesn't deserve to have you in his life.

Stay strong and stay away from him....most of all stay safe and keep your DD away from his abusiveness.

Heartburn888 · 11/05/2020 23:14

Well done for leaving op. I too have just left a abusive relationship.

You can do this. The distance is probably a good thing as he can’t turn up to where you are with his lies about changing.

Thinking of you ♥️

Davespecifico · 11/05/2020 23:21

Well done for leaving him. Could you have imagine if you’d had children with him?!! And would you like to grow old with such a man??
You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

GiraffeWithSwag · 11/05/2020 23:41

Well done you for being so brave. Stay strong and think about your DD and your future together Flowers

Treacletoots · 12/05/2020 07:04

Well done OP and i mean that. It's incredibly hard to leave when you're used to being abused but you've broken the cycle, now keep going.

He may try to hoover you back in, but just focus on that incident, and all the others if he does. Your poor DC, now she will be free to live a life without being terrified of this abusive arsehole.

lilmishap · 12/05/2020 07:17

Be so careful to stay realistic, your brain will bombard you with 'poor him' for a little while, it's a nasty after affect of long term abuse. You are not responsible for him being sad any more than you were responsible for him being abusive.
The abuse was lies he thought up because he felt entitled to make you and the kids feel like crap, remember that. Keep remembering that.
If he didn't want to feel sad he shouldn't have been such a cunt. It's not rocket science, if you treat people like shit they fear you, hate you and leave you.

He put in hours of abuse to get you to this point, he must have considered that you would leave, he carried on. So fuck him, let him enjoy the prize he worked for.

YouJustDoYou · 12/05/2020 07:26

Your dd will thank you for saving her, too, when she's older. My mum chose to stay with my verbally abusive dd for when I was a child. Fucked me up for a very long time, and made me really resent her when I realised a few home truths when I was older. You've saved your poor little dd as well as yourself - well done op. Bloody well done for being so brave xx

YouJustDoYou · 12/05/2020 07:26

*dad not dd

AlwaysCheddar · 12/05/2020 07:43

Bloody good job and well done for leaving him. Best decision easily. Hope you’ve woken up relaxed knowing he’s not going to abuse you today... but stay strong if not. Happy days are ahead.

Onthemaintrunkline · 12/05/2020 07:54

Welcome to the rest of your life, a life not lived in fear, ridicule and disrespect. Close the door on yesterday, I wish you every piece of luck possible. Deep breath, now go and see how wonderful life can be.....you and your daughter deserve it.

Zhuleva · 12/05/2020 07:57

Good luck - and it sounds like you've done the right thing. If you're scared about forgetting why you left, try and write down how you were feeling just before you left - even if it's very brief - and then keep it with you as a reminder

Mix56 · 12/05/2020 08:18

The test is this: If this was your daughter's relationship, what would you advise her to do ?

Original poster
Elderhedge · 12/05/2020 09:16

Today I woke up feeling really flat. It helps to know that it could be my brain trying to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, or at least it’s familiar so I’ll go back. I keep thinking about his nice qualities (he does have some, probably like a lot of abusers). He’s generous and gets me things he knows I’d like, he can be fun and even laugh at himself instead of kicking off sometimes, he’s forgiven me for stuff in the past. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but in between all of the laziness, sulks, moods, nasty words and threats to leave (to keep me in line.. he never does), I can see a side of him that seems so great and I keep thinking I could have that all the time if I just...... what? Did or didn’t do something? Was more easy going? If he carries on with therapy? If we got a bigger place? I don’t know.... it hasn’t ever happened, he always reverts and the way I feel around his unpredictable mood swings when I described it to my mum she said it reminded her of what it’s like raising moody teenagers. Got to keep that in mind! (He’s in his 30s.....)

OP posts: