Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

Google 'the cycle of abuse' also 'hoovering'
Get educated.
If you have the time, get on line and do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. It will help you avoid these abusive assholes in future.

And I miss him. I do. We have been so close (pretty codependent really) and I thought he was my best friend. I know best friends don’t say stuff like that to you or punish you every day but in my head he was. Now it’s just me. I was a single mum until dd was 1 and it was so incredibly lonely. I have friends, a great family and a supportive employer so I know I’m lucky but I just feel adrift right now.

This is the new calm life op. You are so used to his drama.
The quiet life is very good for the soul op...

@Elderhedge I'm feeling the same today too

You know he wasn't your best friend, he had times where he was lovely, funny, considerate and your head is telling you it balances out the bad.
It didn't.
You've described normal decent behaviour towards a partner you care about as if it was proof of something special that was present rather then normal behaviour within a couple.

Keeping an eye out for signs of moody, watching what you say, the effort involved in trying to predict or manage his mood by keeping him sweet and the ever present 'Will he kick off' thoughts this is NOT any kind of life for you or anyone else.

It was not a relationship you would have chosen if someone had described it to you.

I know you know all this. But I know your feeling crap so I'm reminding you

OP, if it helps, I left my ex 3 years ago, after a 30 year relationship.

He was abusive, it was the right thing to do, for me and our DCs.

But even now, I have on rare occasions caught myself trying to minimise aspects of the abuse. I won't be going back, I'm not even in contact.

But the mind does play tricks on us sometimes. If you feel yourself weakening, read your logs, or this thread, remind yourself of why you left. It does get easier.

OP, abusers are never 100% nasty all the time, or they'd be alone permanently. My ex could be lovely at times, but it never lasted because he couldn't maintain the mask.

He maintains that I make HIM walk on eggshells, but this is in terms of if he's too strict with dd (or just plain mean to her) I intervene and then he just says I'm "always undermining him". The thing is I love when he parents dd, but 1) he rarely bothers properly and 2) he's much more likely to just tell off than invest time or use strategies with her. She's only 5 and a pretty good kid. I know I can't not intervene when he is being too tough on her, and by the same token he never listens to my suggestions on strategies like distracting her, praising more, tailoring it to her level-- so we go round and round with him getting frustrated, me stepping in, and him then being pissed off with me. The kind of things he gets cross with her about include: picky eating, not wanting to do her teeth, not scooting the whole time when we take her scooter out, getting up in the night, interrupting people, accidentally knocking the tv in our little living room.. just kid stuff that is annoying but part and parcel and can be dealt with in constructive ways. He jsut tells off, snaps, etc. Maybe he does feel I intervene too much but I feel he doesn't make any effort with parenting. He almost just wants to do discipline and nothing else.

I'm having such a wobble today. I feel like through lockdown I focused just on dealing with dd, keeping the house ticking over, and working from home full time at the same time as him. Maybe I WAS distant or not affectionate enough. It was just the only way I could deal with the home situation in the past 2 months (plus a lot of built up loss of affection for him from the problems we already had.. maybe it became obvious) Maybe I could have been more affectionate, given him more attention or more sex. I've just been emotionally and physically exhausted and dd has taken all my energy. I'm not perfect, I know. It still doesn't excuse the nasty outbursts. He WOULDNT just communicate with me like a loving adult.

No. Don't play the 'if only I did this or that' game. I understand but don't do this to yourself. It doesn't matter what you try to do, he will still have dark moods and nasty episodes because that's who he is. I speak from experience. Keep strong lass.

Handholding elderhedge

You've made the biggest decision you will ever make in your life as have I one week ago!

Hopefully one positive thing it will teach your child is that its not ok to stay in a relationship whereby you are unhappy and unfulfilled.

You've done the hardest bit now but there are a lot more hurdles to come. My friend described it as climbing a very steep hill you will fall down but you need to get back up and keep climbing. I have left without my children but they are older 19 and 16 and they have a very good dad who I know will take care of them until they the anger eases and they agree to speak to me.

Would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy but sometimes it is what it is. Take care and just keep remembering why you've done what you've done.

The voice telling you it wasn't proper abuse and you could have done more those thoughts are like looped audio recordings.

Of course you could make him happy, you just didn't. It's your fault he's angry, sad, scaring your DD, your fault DD misbehaves, your fault he has to shout at her, you made him that way, why did you do that to him? He was just living his life loving you and devoted to DD, sure he had his faults but at least he admitted his faults, all you had to do was smile and act like it was loving when he scared you and abused you but you couldn't even do that for him(?).
It's as if you think you and your DD are too special to be screamed at frightened and abused by a really loving man any woman would want to be with(?). Now you'll be alone forever cause you turned a good man bad, god how did he put up with you?

IT'S YOUR BRAIN LEAKING BULLSHIT HE CRAMMED INTO IT It is a messed up pattern of thinking, played on repeat, it's nothing more than noise in your head now you've left.
But it hurts so try consciously thinking "fuck off and stop making shit up" whenever you notice your brain doing this to you.

OP, you are writing a lot about what you feel and what if's.

Have you given any thought to what this life that you control must be like for your little 5 year old?

She sounds like a normal little girl.
So normal.

But she's snapped at.
She's corrected harshly.
She's spoken to harshly.
She's not bothered with.
She's made to feel like a bother.
She's made to feel bad.
Shes made to feel like nuisance.

Her bedroom is invaded by a screaming man.
Dear God, how scary must that be for her.

She's only a little 5 year old little girl.

She deserves more than the life she's had foisted on her.

Please stop focusing on what if's with this piece of shit.

Focus on the life your child deserves.

All these thoughts of the good times and that you’ve done the wrong thing leaving, that’s him having trained you to think you have to never upset him, never do something to annoy him. That’s an abuser’s thing, they train you up then gaslight you to try to make you think it’s your fault, not his. You know it’s bullshit, OP.

Hey lovely, for your daughter's sake if nothing else, you can never go back. He shouldn't be treating a young child like that. Yes of course there should be discipline but only if it's appropriate and along with loving and supportive parenting. Can you imagine being a child living with an adult whose only interactions with you are to tell you off and who shouts at your mum? How awful and scary.

She responds perfectly well to distraction, reward jar methods, time out, counting up to 5 etc.. and she knows she is completely loved and secure with me, I'm the one who gets her up in the morning and into bed at night, who reads her stories, plays with her, plans things for her, makes her good food she likes and most of all is there for her and talks to her. I don't feel he should be so quick to discipline and be careless with the way he acts/talks to her, when he doesn't put in the hours I do. He has fundamentally misunderstood the role of a good step parent and is also making me question whether I know what's best for her..... of course I do.... I KNOW in some part of my brain that he's gaslighting me but he dresses it up in him loving us, and then he goes ahead and acts that way. In front of her or not. I cannot. Live. Like. That. Anymore. I opened up to my dad about previous episodes tonight and I could tell he was shocked, the things my husband had said were NOT normal and were very extreme and inappropriate, but this way of life has become
NORMAL for me. Edging around his mood or his fragile ego. Taking on so much mental load because it's jsut easier to avoid a row.

And yet.. I still feel these pangs. I know I don't LOVE him anymore, I haven't for a long time, I lost so much respect and affection and attraction to him. He even blamed me for going off sex after so many nasty episodes and the fact that he had gained 4 stone in a year and refused to do anything about it. I feel I have been living a lie for a long time and yet I miss it. I feel bereft and it makes me so mad. I know me and dd deserve better but I jsut feel so.. lonely. Like I don't exist the way I used to anymore. It's strange.

Thank you, all, truly. So much.

What a lot of what you've said applies to me also - I commented on your post to say I've left also.

I have 3 dcs. 2 previous and one to him who is 20 months old.

My eldest dcs and H' barely have a relationship with him. My eldest has a better one but my dd who is 8 has next to none......honestly both of them just sit in their rooms on their tablets from about 6pm until bed time. They are out of the way.....how shit does that sound? I hate it. I'm looking forward to freedom with my dcs.

@higgypiggy I've read your whole thread it really rang with me too. I hope you're feeling better now. H has sent a couple of token texts to me fishing "I miss you both".. I am trying not to even open them on whatsapp but I know if I don't reply he will start sending me nasty threatening messages and that'll be even worse. Won't make me reply though, at least not while I'm feeling this wobbly. You're not alone in finding this hard x

@Elderhedge you can do this, just take one day at a time. 25 years ago I left my verbally abusive husband, while he was at work one day. My lovely sister came with a large van and we took my belongings and my daughters's with us and left. I deliberately did it that way as I knew he would have gone into a massive screaming tantrum if he had known what was happening. But later that night I sat on my bed at my sister's house, and cried. Not because I wanted to go back but because I had stepped out of the familiar into the scary unknown.

Worst thing was, he didn't want our 18 month old daughter and was frantically trying to make me give her away to his friend/mistress who was desperate to have her. I realised later that I ruined their plan to kidnap my daughter, by leaving before they could do it. I'm very glad I did.

Life on benefits was hard, but I did it, and my daughter thrived and is an amazing young woman now.

I also found my soulmate and had a son with him as well. Unfortunately my soulmate died five years ago, but I had that time with him and nothing can take it away.

Things will be difficult and things will go well. Make sure you claim every benefit you can and consider learning anything you like, I did and it really improves your self-esteem.

Good luck, stay strong and don't go back, he will make your life extra hell to 'punish' you.

You can block him. You don't need to explain it to him.

Hey, if you know how he’s going to go, don’t open his messages, you’ve left, he’s history. Today’s a new day....one where he doesn’t feature. Don’t engage with him, if you have to, ask your Dad I’d bed act as a go between, don’t allow him to coerce you ever again. Don’t waver, yes these early days will be stressful, keep your eye on the long term, a future without nastiness and control. Good luck.

Oop sorry OP last message came with a couple of typos
should have read, ‘ask your Dad if he would act as a go between‘
or ask someone else who’s willing and who’s opinion you respect.

Your Father is shocked, that must help you be strong.
Of course your X is saying he misses you, you have pulled the rug on his appalling behaviour. It will get better, he is like a bad habit, it tales time to sever.
No more eggshells, No more undermining, no more shouting...

Block him OP. You know what is coming in the form of nasty messages, why expose yourself to that

Block so you don't even have to think about him xx