Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

This morning my dd said to me”when I was 4 and when I was 3 you cried and cried when (H) argued with you”.
Stuff like that really chills me and is the strongest indicator I’ve done the right thing no matter how shocked I feel. NO ONE who loves you should watch you cry, even in one case I had a physical panic attack when he wouldn’t let up on the nastiness.. that was a year ago. He COULDNT do that to me if he was a good person. I do get emotional sometimes when someone I care about is angry at me and it just annoyed him more. I don’t want dd to think it’s part of a loving relationship.
I’ve now blocked him . You’re right that I don’t need to wait and watch this play out. He was just hoovering.
I think the biggest shock is this person you loved and shared your life with being so destructive and not even being able to see it.

I also thought dd wasn’t as aware of the dynamic as she is, thought I’d shielded her. Clearly not. I’m so stupid.

You have done well to leave.
You are safe.
Settle as much as possible and make plans for the future.

A million well dones!!! The hard bit is done, you and your DD both deserve peace and happiness in your lives.

Need to keep posting the really awful times he ground me down in a rage so I do not cave. I feel like a weak person who has so failed my dd and I need to be better. I NEED to fix my dependence on him.

Me having a panic attack in a London park

Crying on the tube/in a busy street when he wouldn’t stop berating me. On a separate occasion this also happened at a very popular London tourist attraction... I’m so embarrassed to think of it now

Him sulking and refusing to talk to me on a beach on holiday

Him storming off on a day out with my mum I hadn’t seen for months because we were taking too long sitting and catching up.. and he called me threatening to leave

Him not talking to me all through a dinner with his family because I’d previously asked him if he could stop gaming (it was Xmas eve and he’d been on it for hours)

Us staying at family and me in floods while he berated me in the bedroom, saying he refused to come out with us

Him sulking then storming off when dd accidentally hurt him when they were play fighting and I wouldn’t tell her off. Then when I got home (leaving dd at my sisters) to tell him it wasn’t ok, he took his wedding ring off and said he was leaving as im a terrible wife

Him saying I make him so unhappy he’s suicidal, then denying it later . And also refusing to seek any help regarding this

Him putting on noise cancelling headphones when I was trying to talk to him, in another attempt to diffuse the rows and just talk about our issues

Him telling me to “get off” rudely when he was still inside me during sex, as I asked if he was ok. Then telling me he doesn’t even want sex with me anymore because we don’t have it enough so he doesn’t need it.

Me saying I don’t want to continue a row, him storming in when I’m in the shower saying “ok I’ll just split the money in our joint account and get a separation order then shall I”. Such an escalation designed to panic me when I was vulnerable.

And this one. It was all there right from the fucking start and it kills me. On our second date- years ago- we slept together, drunk. He put his hands on my throat (think it was something he and his ex had explored) and I made it clear I didn’t want to do that. He then just completely stopped, sat up, wouldnt talk to me and started getting ready to leave (in the middle of the night.) I had to persuade him not to— I was so confused I thoguht id done something wrong. And the rest is history.

There are way more than those. Sadly. Feel like an utter idiot. Inbeteeen he can be funny, kind, even mature seemingly. And I think I really want to believe in his love. My dd’s dad was awful and left me when I was pregnant. My previous ex was abusive and cheated twice. What a mess.

You’ve done amazing leaving OP!

I left my abusive ex partner, who sounds a lot like yours, 2 months ago and moved into my mums! Fast forward to today me and my DS (not his thankfully) are in our own house living a happy and peaceful life!

Please please please block him otherwise he’ll keep trying to worm his way in! And keep writing down all the bad things too!

You’ve got this, both you and your daughter deserve a lifetime of happiness after all you’ve both been through!

My trick for this is to change his contact name in your phone to THE most hurtful thing he said or did that made it clear to you that you were done. That way you'll be reminded when you're tempted to text or call him that thats who he is.

Hes trained you for YEARS that the only feelings and emotions that matter are HIS feelings and emotions, and that your job is to try and keep those happy for as long as possible. He's also taught you that he only has such strong negative outbursts because YOU cause them, so your brain now thinks he must be happy now without you, even though you know thats rubbish.

Its totally natural now you're out that you're thinking about his nicer traits because thats what you've been trained to do - it's like you've had a 24/7 job and suddenly walked out.

Oh op, that's all horrific, so so manipulative and horrific. What a fucking psychopath. You're both free now

Looking back though I was quite insecure at the start of our relationship I think I tested him a lot and maybe even seemed demanding. I have my own issues. I feel like we deteriorated (he used to be way more understanding and kind) and maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was too high expectations of him with my daughter. I keep reading back over messages from like 2 years ago and feeling so guilty. My brain is in two places- the nastiness he has shown, but also how he didn't used to react like that and I was the one who was probably more hard work. It's so confusing and painful.

@Elderhedge abusers start off nice and kind. That’s how they hook you In.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I feel like we deteriorated (he used to be way more understanding and kind) and maybe it was my fault
Nope OP.
It is just how abusers work.
No-one would stay with an abuser if they showed their true colours at the start of relationships!
They put on the nice persona to start with.
Then they introduce the real them, very slowly to start with.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!
He's trained you well and that is all down his nice / nasty cycle of abuse that you've endured for years!

Well done on getting yourself and your DD out.
If ever you doubt yourself.
Just read back over this thread and realise you did well.
You got out. You escaped an abuser and your DD (and you) will be so much happier without him dragging you all down!!!!
Get onto some counsellors today. Do phone sessions if you have to.
Womens Aid is a good place to start.
They will know specialist abuser therapists in your area.

Also, get on and do the Freedom Programme on line asap!!!

This day has been so so hard. I’ve talked to my friend, my mum, my stepmum, my dad, my brother- all to stop myself talking to my H. I feel like I’m seeing him through this more rose tinted lens even though I know the last few weeks have been so stressful with him, I’m missing him and the nice or quiet times we had together, missing the adult company and the shared jokes. I miss our home and so does dd. I feel displaced and grieving. I know he is so quick to anger, so moody, and also so lazy and so inadequate as an adult partner. And yet I miss him. I feel like I disappeared into our relationship and now who am I? I feel like he is sitting there loving life now and I’m so upset. That if he saw how much he had hurt me he would have properly contacted me and tried to make it right or open a conversation. But he hasnt. Just those token texts. So it’s like he’s not bothered and I’m sitting here so upset and shocked. It’s so so hard.

Your daughter might have been more aware of the issues between you and your husband than you realised, but you’ve taken the biggest and most important step by leaving. You’re showing her now that his bad behaviour was not acceptable.

It’s completely understandable that you’re second guessing yourself. If he was consistently awful, you’d never have given him the time of day. They contrast their nasty, controlling behaviour with kindness and jokes and happy times to make it more difficult for you to leave and to make you question yourself. He was so nice at the beginning, so when the nasty qualities start edging in, you start to question yourself.

Blocking him is the best thing you could’ve done. Talk to those family members. Post on here. Do whatever you need to do to stop yourself reaching out to him. It will get easier. It might get a little bit harder first, but future you is going to be so grateful that you were strong enough to break away.

The more you talk and the more people who express horror or anger at his behaviour, will all help you accept that his abuse is on him alone and the easier this will be for you.

You are absolutely correct, unfortunately, he really has shown no sign of remorse.or LOVE has he ? Of course it's not easy to just switch off? close a door & never look back.
But remember you were so unhappy you left.
keep busy, (tidy, clean, cook, play with DC)

Do the Freedom programme.

Well done!!! Whilst you are on your train write down in notes on your phone all the stuff that is wrong with your OH so you can look back when you get weak. You must not go back at all. If you do it will get worse. Many women on here have constantly returned and wish they never had. Get to some personal counselling and protect your child at all costs. You.....must......never......return. Good luck with your amazing freedom!

His mum keeps texting me saying he’s telling HER that he loves us so much, he thinks I never want to talk to him again so he’s not going to text me again... I’m like: so that’s it? No remorse or grownup attempt to fix it? But if I “texted him back” we would be able to be ok?
I think he needs to seriously grow up and he doesn’t DESERVE us. Prick. I hate the fact he is sitting in our home feeling self pitying right now while me and dd are camping here at my family’s. He hasn’t even tried. He doesn’t care and i was jsut convenient, now I’m not. I feel so shit.

The brain has a funny way of helping us cope and instead of remembering all the bad stuff you remember the good times.

When I split from my emotionally abusive husband I kept thinking whether I'd done the right thing because when I recalled finding the messages where he was having another emotional affair it didnt seem that bad a few weeks down the line.

Its madness really as when I found them I was so pissed off with him again but weeks later it didnt seem so bad.

I had previously done this cycle with him before and i knew after 2 weeks my brain would remember it in a different way so i made sure i told everyone we had split and why so pride would stop me returning.
I also read old diaries where i had documented what he did just so i remembered the years i put up with crap.

Read this diary again and remember how he treated your daughter even though she has additional needs, how frightened she must have been when he screamed at you in her bedroom.
Please dont go back for her sake, no mother puts a man above her kids.

Focus on sorting your life out, read some forums and blogs of people who have been through similar, eat well, get some exercise, plan your future.

He hadnt been in contact because he thinks you're just game playing and that with the silent treatment you'll go running back or it shows his true colours and actually he never cared about you both.

You are doing so well by leaving, you became accustomed to the abuse and running on adrenalin constantly that now youce left the adrenalin has left and you've crashed.
Look after yourself and you will get through.

Of course he is using his mum as his monkey, he cant let his family think he's a bad person so he's doing the woe is me and how silly you are for leaving and maybe if his mum contacted you, you would come running.

Plus his mum is probably getting loads of grief from him and is worried she will hzve to help him so she wants you to go back becsuse its convenient for her.

If he cared he would admit what hes done and work on sorting himself out but he hasmt.

You were convenient for him and he's probably pissed off that there is no one to cook, clean and have sex with.

Looking back though I was quite insecure at the start of our relationship I think I tested him a lot and maybe even seemed demanding. I have my own issues. I feel like we deteriorated (he used to be way more understanding and kind) and maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was too high expectations of him with my daughter. I keep reading back over messages from like 2 years ago and feeling so guilty. My brain is in two places- the nastiness he has shown, but also how he didn't used to react like that and I was the one who was probably more hard work. It's so confusing and painful.

No way OP, you said even from date 2 he got in a strop because you didn't want to do something (strangling- most people don't like that) during sex.

The reason his actions escalated as time went on is he thought he could get away with more, whereas if he'd been quite that bad early on you would've dumped him.

Please notice the red flags if you date someone again, and end things with them. The manipulative/stroppy sex thing, that 'should've' been the end. I know how hard it can be and I haven't bothered dating again so haven't had chance to test my ability to not put up with shit yet, but we have to try. If you don't feel able to say anything at the time to any new man, you can txt/msg them and say stuff, and block fairly early on if you get that spider sense of discomfort at how they're acting.

Men are two-a-penny, and we don't need them, so we don't have to put up with any shit.

He is using his mum as a 'flying monkey'. Narcissists like him commonly get others to tell you how sorry/sad ect they are. They arent at all, they just want to make you look the bad guy. Or trick you into coming back.

Ps: if you go back after leaving a narcissist, they are ten times worse because they have to punish you for leaving them in the first place.

Can you cut all contact with him? (And his fam) He really has no reason to still be in touch with you. He usnt your childs father. Seriously, block his number and get a solicitor. All contact can be done through them.

Its over.
Make the decision and never look back. Stop giving him any opportunity for an 'in'.

"No remorse or grownup attempt to fix it? But if I “texted him back” we would be able to be ok? "

Why would you want him to fix something that is unfixable. If you are looking for remorse he will give it to you in spades until you are back into his web. The cycle then starts again. My close friend went through this back and forth thing until several months ago she finally upped and left then he threatened suicide and she scuttled back. She is back in the cycle of abuse now and very depressed as he has complete control over her now in lock down. His abuse has started again. Your brain needs to withdraw from the highs and lows of the abuse. It takes a long time and is painful, be prepared for it and dont buckle under the pressure he will put you through. Good luck x

Block. Block. Block. YOU have left, YOU are hurting, YOU are the important one, YOU have to protect yourself for your daughters sake.

Remove any opportunity he has to affect you. Block the shit out of him and his.

It is so hard to get my head around it being over. Properly. Like I know I cannot go back to it but I can’t believe it was all for fucking nothing. I really loved him and thought he loved me too. I was in utter cognitive dissonance for so long. Feel like an idiot.

My brain is in two places- the nastiness he has shown, but also how he didn't used to react like that and I was the one who was probably more hard work. It's so confusing and painful.

This really stood out.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It's exactly as you describe above, where you have two conflicting things going on - eg a man might tell his wife he loves her, but he also punches her. She's receiving two sets of information and you're right, it can make you go crazy.

Understanding what's actually going on can be really useful.

You know you've made the right decision. I don't think you should have any contact with him or his family. There's nothing wrong with sending his mum a "it's been nice knowing you but I'm going to have to stop all contact with XP and his family for my own mental health" and then block her and the others.

They know what he's like - don't even think that they don't. You're the last in a long string of relationships and friendships that he's ruined. However it sounds as though they want to blame anyone but him. Don't have any contact with them - it will make your recovery much harder.