Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

He's really messing with you now; get those joint expenses paid ASAP. Hang in there.

Every emotion and weakness and insecurity I have has been exploited in the past few days.
That's what they do. They pull all the levers until one of them makes you hang yourself back on the ceiling to be their emotional punchbag. They really truly miss you being there for a good punching when they want to feel better about themselves.

Well done op!!

One of your posts resonated with me. I am 3 three weeks in from kicking my lying, cheating, narcasstic partner out. Its been tough and I have my up and down days. In the background I have a court case going on as my ex husband wants to move with our children. Its been a pretty shitty month!!

Hang in there. This place has some amazing support. Keep coming on and we can help strengthen your resolve.

I've had weak points and my ex messages me every day. Its chit chat and I can cope with that. The rows have stopped.

I am enjoying treating ME for a change, doing as I please! Watching what I want to!

Like yours, mine would say I was fucked up, controlling, emotionally abusive etc etc. Its all deflection of their own characters. I am NONE of those things. My ex viewed the fact that I would watch him on his phone as controlling, didn't once think of the impact of his constant messaging of other women had; it made me paranoid!! Of course it was all my fault!!

Trust yourself and maybe cut contact for a while. I barely spoke to mine week one and I have also had counselling which I am continuing.

You can do this!x

I’m guessing the money is back because he was never packing to leave and you haven’t reacted to him saying that he was.

He probably expected you to ask him not to leave, offer to try to work things out etc.

The removal of the money was to get a reaction from you too, he’s realised it hasn’t worked.

He’ll probably expect you to be grateful that he hasn’t left and hasn’t kept the money and this is another tactic to get you on side.

Be prepared for him to take the money again when that doesn’t work.
Get those bills paid as soon as you can.

@Elderhedge
Are the joint expenses on your credit card actually joint and did he agree they were joint?

If he did, transfer the money and tell him in an email what you have done, confirming what it paid off and the date you purchased it. Keep this email safe.

Then transfer half of what is left to your own account and transfer half to him and then ring the bank to put a stop on the account until you can close it otherwise he could continue using it and run up debt.

Pay the bills.
Do it now, before your stuck trying to chase payment .
Also take your half of what is left
Call the bank and tell them you want to take your name off the account.

The credit card expenses were hotel bills from joint holidays. He doesn't have a CC so I used mine, yes they're agreed joint expenses as far as it goes. I am going to pay those today. All our direct debits come out of the joint account which we each put a set amount from our pay into (we also have separate bank accounts with a set amount from our pay each month for personal spending). So I also need to switch those DDs back to my account I think. Although we have to keep the joint account open because we are due a £400 refund from easyJet into it and don't know when it will be paid.

You can always forward him your his 200 from that refund when you get it.

Separate your finances as soon as you can.

Even removing the approximate amounts so that he doesn't shaft you.

Do not expect fairness and decency from someone like him.

If he's wanting a reaction be aware these men tell lies that others wouldn't, expect him to throw a potential new woman in get a response, expect him to get a case of depression, expect him to have an epiphany that he actually was a bit of a shit, expect "I never loved you", expect him to go OTT showing how quickly his life becomes better than yours and accept that it's all bullshit regardless.
It takes a bit of practise though. I won't lie.

Yes he has said (by text today) he will go to an anger management course and has bought a book about it as well. He said he was sorry for the way he's been the past years.
That part of my brain that is so dependent on him is like "wow he gets it" but there's a much heavier feeling of no trust left, no affection left really, and a dawning realisation that I was so unhappy and running myself ragged. My mum today said he acts as though he has a bad case of sibling rivalry with my 5 year old. And as silly as that sounds, it really is how I have lived, in the middle of that. I have loved being her mum only this week; just focusing on her and my work. Maybe it's because I'm just not cut out for relationships, maybe he's actually just a very wrong man. I'm scared I'll never meet anyone again (where and how springs to mind when you have a child and work FT) but is that worse than being scared every day of the person you live with? Talking to him gives me an adrenaline response even on the phone... pounding heart, nervous, not in a good way but a scared way. Every day I'm away, I'm seeing that that isn't remotely normal or ok. He shouldn't bring that response in me. He's made me feel broken and I am frankly worried about the long term
Effects this will have had on me.

Thanks for all the continued support. This thread is a lifeline. And I paid that credit card bill today

You are doing so well OP. It's hard to break old familiar patterns (even hard, painful ones) but you are going it. Put a ✅ in your box for paying that large bill, take a long, calming breath, and move on to the next thing.

Next thing is to separate any other finances and to transfer half of any funds left in the joint account to your own personal account - you are going to need funds going forward. Remember he is not your friend - and he really hasn't changed, however much he tries to convince you.

Also if you have any bank statements or other important documents, etc going to your old home get your mail redirected ASAP - you can do that online.

Onwards and upwards.

"Especially" hard, painful ones..

Yes he has said (by text today) he will go to an anger management course and has bought a book about it as well. He said he was sorry for the way he's been the past years.
So he has not selected a course never mind successfully completed this hypothetical course and hasn't even started reading the book.

Well, good luck to him. Maybe if all that work on himself goes well he will be ready for a relationship with someone in 2-3 year's time.

I'm scared I'll never meet anyone again

He has been drip feeding you that exact message it's a fear tactic, everybody is scared of being as alone as you feel right now.
Except you're not doomed to be alone, him not being there is the same as all the other people who aren't in a relationship with you not being there. The next love interest in your life isn't there...yet.

You don't know when you will meet someone or be in a relationship again, but you also don't know that you won't meet someone very quickly, or a few someones all at once.
Keep perspective.

The rushing adrenaline is dependent on you having contact with him, you are not missing out on anything by not having contact.

Well done, continue to talk to your family and listen to them

OMG Girl!!! GOOD JOB!!!!

DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!!
Nobody, I said: Nobody deserves to be treated like that, specially by their person. Fuck that big time!!!

Now it's time to focus on yourself and improve your life.
Stay strong.

If he said all those things to you, then logic follows he should be very pleased you left ... of course you are none of those things and he was on his endless mental need/quest to grind your personality and strength down ... and he will likely do it to anyone in his power and esp if you should ever go back ... you'll be like a dog returning to its master.

You are very brave and saved your child from this terrible role model and yourself. Can you tap into any counselling helplines or websites such as women's aid. Have you alerted school. Well done your dad for helping you at this time, will he or friends be able to help you collect any belongings or is that sorted? You may want to report to police so they may do a drive passed ... just in case in these early days.

@Elderhedge
Great job on paying off the joint expenses. Have you told him this in an email so you have proof?

You are doing so well, what else can you do to keep the ball rolling? Moving the other DDs which are yours is a great idea.

I think you need go let the landlord know that you are not in the property and you also need to decide what you want to do and where you want to live.
Do you want to go back to the place you lived together (if he left) with all those memories (good and bad) or would you rather start afresh with just you and your daughter in a new place that is just yours?

Once you know the answer then you can start putting plans in place to start that process.

With reference to meeting someone, when I left my husband after 19 years together and 17 years of marriage which was emotionally abusive I vowed to stay single forever (complete opposite to you) because I knew I would never be able to have a relationship again in case they treated me the same.
I have a very fulfilling life and like my own company so I was quite excited about the prospect of a life on my own with maybe a friends with benefits person when I needed more.
And that's exactly what I did for 18 months and somehow on my journey of trying to find a new FWB I seem to have found a man, he wasnt looking for a girlfriend until his son had grown up and I was going to remain resolutely single but somehow we have clicked and have so much in common.
It is a relationship but we've not put a label on it otherwise I'd get scared and run for the hills so we just hang out and do stuff and its lovely.
He is completely independent, not needy and has his life together (which I'm not used to) and knows that there is no prospect of us living together, I'd never share my home or finances again and he is fine with that.

Sometimes things happen when you least expect it.

Please dont worry that you might be single forever, you need to spend time working on yourself and find happiness in yourself before you get into a relationship again and that can take a long time and in between times there is always Lovehoney!!!

I'm having a wobble this morning. It's a very dear friends death anniversary and I always feel shit on this day. Reading the thread again late last night helped me a lot, but this morning I'm just back to sad. I don't want to be in this position, I don't want my and dd's reality to have been this. I can't believe the complete 180 turn he has done in the last 3 days from threats and accusations to now contrite and the "nice him". My head can't deal with it. I feel like I don't know WHO he is, I don't know what to do, I keep thinking of the pp who said that I would be like a dog returning to its master. I'm just incredibly hurt and confused (even more than last week.) My mum is coming to see me this weekend. I just feel so so alone, confused and bruised today and all my energy from yesterday has evaporated.

You will have so so many ups and downs OP.
You won't be 'fine' within a week. It just doesn't work like that!
The 'nice him' is an act to try to hoover you back in.
This link HERE ABOUT HOOVERING will help you a bit.
Not much - but it may help you to see this for what it is.
And ONE HERE get yourself educated.
It will also help to keep you busy.
You are doing so well, whether if feels like it or not.

You know if you go back, your going to have to do this next week, when he turns again.
Please just carry on avoiding him.
Send him a text, we are not good together I release you .
Your both just toxic to each other.

Well obviously hasn't had a complete personality transplant in a week has he? I mean if he has he should go to see a psychiatrist immediately as a wonder of medical science.

Now let's say he fell, knocked his head and has had an epiphany that abusing you is a bad thing that he should fix. How many months or years of therapy will it take for him to change his behaviour? You know he has entrenched patterns of bad behaviour with you and dd, how long before he unlearns those? Would his anger management therapist recommend you live with him while he is doing the therapy? If not, when would be safe for you and helpful for him?

You know the answer of course. He is full of shit. He knows it is wrong to abuse you but he thinks he can reel you back in by saying he has seen the error of his ways.

If he had truly seen his problem then he would be begging you to stay away, he'd be making it easy for you, until he was completely sure he has become safe to be around. That's not what he's saying though is it?

I don't want to be in this position, I don't want my and dd's reality to have been this
That's why you build a new future away from him. Block his me me me whining and build something good for your daughter instead. Make up for having put her in such a bad relationship by now teaching her how to be a strong independent woman. No moping around hand wringing weeping over abusive boyfriends - that would be a shit model of how to be a woman.

Oh, I have no intention of going back for me but mostly for dd. My family would probably physically restrain us if I did.
But my question is- Is this normal? To still miss and even love someone who you know has been a shit and who you know you can't go back to? Am I mad? Every time I think I'm fully out of it I just get sad. It makes me feel like I'm broken as a person. I shouldn't think anything good of him anymore.