Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

Yup - got married at 31, had first child at 32, second at 37! You're soooooo young. You've done totally the right thing, whether you ever meet anyone else or not. Big virtual hugs, hang on in there xx

Op, I know this is selfish but all I can think about is myself as a little 6 year old wanting to kill herself because home life was just so utterly, utterly awful. I would've given anything as a child to have just been with my mum on our own with no abusive man to destroy our peace.
Thats obviously from a child's selfish perspective. You deserve your own love. But...for now, just for this time, you have freed yourselves. You have your child, and the love they have for you will be more pure and deep than any some man could ever, ever have for you. You're still so young, with many years ahead of you to meet that good, decent man who won't treat you like shit. Don't write it all off. This is still very new and you WILL be happy again. For now though, you have the Iove of your little dc. You also need to learn to love yourself.

That's far better OP.
Your update shows you are now realising it is NOT your fault that HE is abusive.
You are not to blame.
Very pleased to see that!

@YouJustDoYou that’s awful, I’m really sorry you felt like that as a kid. My dd is what gave me the strength to get out. She deserves a peaceful home and a mum not distracted by mind games or put downs.
Thank you for your post because I really really needed to hear that today.

Oh op.i wish I could hug you right now. You've been so, so strong. Despite what media says, children AREN'T always better off in a two parent household. Just some stability, some gentle, calm, peaceful, loving and anchoring stability, is all we need sometimes. You have been the most amazing, brave, wonderful mother to her for doing this. You've put you're own desires aside just for her. You've been an absolute lioness - don't forget that. It's not easy when these men get their claws in your heart and mind. It's so difficult to untangle yourself and set yourself free. But you've not only taken the steps to start this, you've been brave enough to do it and free your child as well. I would've given anything to have had a mother like you.

@YouJustDoYou
What a lovely post.
And so spot on!

@YouJustDoYou

What an absolutely brilliant and wise post.

OP, I know you are sad.

You are so young and yet so quick to write yourself off.

If you do some work on your self esteem and boundaries, you have every chance of a great future.

What was your childhood like?

Think about it.

Your little girl is so small to have witnessed the shit show that was your marriage.

Keep reading the reality of the post that oh so brave @YouJustDoYou has written.

This is the truth.

So when you doubt yourself or your decision, read those posts.

However you feel, felt about him, hope for your own future....you have a precious little girl that you chose to have, your responsibility is to her...

Can you imagine learning that she would rather die than live in her house....can you imagine her telling you that in 10 years time?
The damage to her?

Imagine how you would feel?

Block that prick, and his family and move on.

Wishing you well

An update I guess. He tried to call me a few times today and I stupidly picked up the last one after my dd was in bed. He quickly got angry because I had left him in a "tantrum" and he could never trust me again because of this. He was mainly concerned that he had been on his own feeling shit, not for us at all. He minimised what had been going on and was just getting angry and twisting stuff. It all felt like a big red herring to distract from what had actually happened and I said, your moods rule our lives. He completely scoffed at this. Said I don't care about him, don't have a good word to say about him. I could feel myself getting more and more panicked and powerless and doubting myself. Then he ended it with saying he's moving out this week and hanging up. He also then withdrew half the money from our account.
In my panic I sent him a message afterwards. My mum reckons he wants me to beg him to stay and he will backtrack. He wants to be in that dominant role if the relationship continues. It's just the same old pattern. I feel as shitty as I ever have. And reeling that he wasn't even sorry, not really. I feel like I've been emotionally manipulated for god knows how long. I thought he loved me; how fucking stupid was I. How fucking stupid.

Don’t back down. He’s lashed out at you again, what do you want to happen next? Do you want to move back to the house? Do you want to stay near your mum?

He maintains that I make HIM walk on eggshells, but this is in terms of if he's too strict with dd (or just plain mean to her) I intervene and then he just says I'm "always undermining him"

I know I can't not intervene when he is being too tough on her

I don't feel he should be so quick to discipline and be careless with the way he acts/talks to her

She was 12 months old when this started.

Wow, Im really shocked

I can't believe how he was with YOUR daughter. She must feel so free & happy.

She has had to be near that person for 4 of her precious years.

Enjoy your time with her, 5 years have gone already that you can never get back with DD.

No more eggshells.

He’s trying to confuse you, he’s using emotional manipulation to make you think it’s you and not him. But, it is him.

You are best to block his number, try to and get the tenancy in your name only and do the freedom programme.

Keep strong.

If your child is still young and you have been married for a while, maybe you need to be single and enjoy being a mum.
Wait till you find you can go to the zoo on an hours notice and you don't have to ask anyone else.
That you can take this little person to an event and feel no guilt staying out till 10 because both of you are having fun.
PJ days, eatting pizza and junk TV.
Because you may be a single mum , but your not alone.

He also then withdrew half the money from our account.
OP if you haven't already I'd suggest you move the other half of the cash quickly into an account that only you have access to, in case he takes the rest. Change any passwords or pincodes he's likely to know also - this man is not your friend.

How can he be so cruel and jsut manipulative like this. I feel yet again just knocked for six by this. I stupidly thought maybe he'd realise what he'd done.. I shouldn't have even answered the phone. Feeling completely stuck on hurt and shock right now.

OP,

Why are you so shocked?

This is a man who has terrorised a little girl in her home.

What's the surprise and shock about?

I'm genuinely confused.

He has bullied a little girl constantly for years, for most of her life.

She has grown up with this.

Can you give some thought to your little girls stress levels?

Can you imagine what a scary place the world is for her.

Stop wasting time pondering the selfishness of this prick that you married and think about your little girl and how much better her life will be without this bully in her life.

He’s messaged me that he’s packing up all his stuff from our flat today. It was so cold and nasty “gotta go, lots to do packing” etc. I’m not happy that he withdrew half our money because we still had some joint expenses on my credit card which I was intending to pay out of our joint account this month. He seems to think separating/divorce is jsut withdrawing half your money and walking out of the flat on which you have a joint tenancy, with no adult discussion, no further need for any. (Maybe it is in the case of abuse against you but in fact I am the one who has been pushed out from the abuse and I haven’t done any of that yet.)

It blows my mind. I’ve spent the day talking with my family and it helped me so much. I feel done and doubly confirmed in it by his latest actions.

I really hope he’s telling the truth and is packing his shit and leaving.

You’re so brave OP

This is every reason why you need to follow through. You can do it x

I don’t think he was really serious. It was a power play. He’s now been calling me saying do I want to try, do I see a future, will I come back ASAP.
It’s now been all made about the fact that I left, not why I did. Pure misdirection. He was the one who dropped a bomb in our lives once too often and now my family is well aware and not happy.
My head is all over the place from the threats and then withdrawal of threats today. So glad I am here safe with dd. It’s all just too much. I’m sick of panicking every time we talk. He needs to go. I’ve now told him I think we are too far gone and he does need to go. I feel sick saying it but I can’t go back to where we were
How can someone be so manipulative and hurtful and unfair? I cannot get my head round this being the guy I married.

Well done, just keep looking ahead, I have a thread on here, I left my husband (ex now) two years ago yesterday, life is so sweet now

I am also just over 2 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage,life is great.

@Elderhedge
You need to set some boundaries, being scared while talking to him is not right.
I let my husband walk all over me for a year after we seperated before a few people helped me realise what was happening.

If you've been in an abusive relationship and leave the abuse doesnt just stop because it's so ingrained in them.

Realistically what do you need to discuss?
Could you allow one point of contact? Either text, email or whatsapp? Decide and then block on all the others and use that method to contact him to let him know that is the only form of contact.

If you choose text or whatsapp turn off his notifications and pick when you want to read his messages, maybe once a day?

If email set it so his emails go to a seperate folder and check at a set time each day or week.

Do not speak to him on the phone as the abuse continues and there is no evidence or witnesses.

Lease take back some control and remember that you are a decent person and how you think he should act and behave isnt how he will behave because he is not a decent person.

I cannot get my head round this being the guy I married

In all fairness, this is the man that stonewalled you on your second date, because you didnt consent to him strangling you.

I think he showed his true colours 4 years ago.

You cannot go back ever. You owe your DD that much.

He is probably shocked you got wise to him.
He will not have not his loss of power over you.
So glad to see your getting wise to him.

Today:
Get your tenancy altered.
Prepare to change locks.
Remove the other half of the money so he can't take it.

Btw, what someone else said IT'S YOUR BRAIN LEAKING BULLSHIT HE CRAMMED INTO IT

I woke up this morning and he had transferred the money BACK into our joint account. What a head fuck.
My head is in a spin. Every emotion and weakness and insecurity I have has been exploited in the past few days. I can't engage anymore. I am going to mute on WhatsApp now and check any messages once a day while I get my ducks in a row.