Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

What if I am the abuser? What if I am so crazy I have manipulated myself and others into thinking that I am a victim? I feel like I seriously doubt my own memory and version of things. I feel like I have no peace of mind or clarity. What if I did this to myself?

I guess that’s my fear - that I deserve this and I am never ever going to be able to move on or be at peace. That I’m fundamentally wrong in some way.

I think if you believe that, then you need counselling. Your dad was shocked when you told him what had happened - was he shocked at your abuse of your XP? Did he say, "How could you treat someone like that?" about your behaviour?

Years ago I used to think I abused my husband but really he was the abuser and used to plant the seed of doubt in my mind.

Now I'm out if the marriage I can see clearly he was the abuser.

Sometimes the abused does do things they wouldnt usually do to just get through life but that doesnt in any way make you the abusive.

It doesnt matter in arguments if you would shout and scream or throw things or even tell white lies, it was just your way of coping.

Its really hard as a strong woman to admit you were abused because you never thought you would be in that situation and if you were you would leave straight away but it creeps up gradually and you dont realise it's happening.

I don't know you OP but Im so so proud!! Well done you've made a huge step in the right direction, keep going and keep strong.
Along the way you may feel a sense of loss or even regret but thats normal, you can grieve and miss an abuser, allow yourself to go through the motions - theres always a light at the end of the tunnel

I used to be insecure when he would be away for work (he was quite a lot in the first couple of years) and I think I used to test him. But not for a good couple of years now. I felt secure, and was committed with our marriage etc. I just can’t help thinking maybe I was the abuser and drove HIM to hate me, say those things and shout. But why didn’t he leave? I know I was the one feeling on eggshells and trying to moderate in front of my daughter and feeling under intense emotional strain but maybe he was too. Maybe I drove him to this extreme.
Yes I think I do need counselling. I guess I’m just scared that maybe I’ll represent it wrong to the counsellor, that on some level this is my fault and I’m making myself a victim. I don’t even know if I’m a good person anymore.

But it doesn’t change the things he was doing during the whole time we are together.. the sulking, nasty words and refusing to calm down when I was visibly very upset. So I know that regardless of me, he played his part and the other night was unequivocally abusive.

You said yourself it happened on your second date. You didn't 'do this to him' it was always there....

What's going through your mind right now is the result of his gaslighting. Abusers often paint the victim as the abuser as it makes them come back/afraid to seek help/ afraid to tell police.

Ps: if you go back after leaving a narcissist, they are ten times worse because they have to punish you for leaving them in the first place.

This. I left my ex because of his abusive behavioour, to me and our DCs. I knew from day 1 of leaving that if I ever agreed to go back, he'd twist it to him being the victim and I would always have to be making up for leaving.

OP, it was always him. Please don't doubt yourself.

You may even find, after time and reflection, that your behaviour in the early days, that you have worried about, was actually more of a reaction to him and his behaviour, even if you didn't consciously recognise it.

Stay strong OP and hope you're ok xx

I feel like I have started to really accept the abusive nature of the relationship but as a pp said it is VERY hard to get your head round that and also around the fact that your child has been around that. She should not at all h see a parent figure or any kind of adult as intimidating, sulking, nasty— it is NOT normal and yet for us it has become a normal occurrence. Yes he can be nice inbetween times but essentially he has felt entitled to treat us both like that. It doesn’t go with his self image which is very “woke”, liberal, 21st century man but it is the reality. B

@Elderhedge can I just ask you how often he gets like this? Is it daily, weekly, monthly? Or can you go for months of being fine? I'm still so confused. You are doing so well x

The thing is op, you're out now. So try to take some me-time. Put him from your mind.

What is the house situation? Cant remember if you said. If your name isnt on anything then just totally block him. And even if it is, couldn't a solicitor sort all that anyway?

You and your daughter get to make a fresh start now. Maybe you could move away somewhere new? A new adventure, just the two of you.

Oh and these sorts often tend to make big palavas about how they champion woman's rights and blah blah. Be very wary of ppl who feel the need to tell you what good people they are ect... most good people ppl dont need to harp on about that shit. Most ppl dont expect a fucking medal for being decent human beings.

Try not to focus too much on who did what, who's to blame and if onlys.
Acept the relationship wasn't making you happy overall.
Time to think about you and your daughter, make plans for you both and start to look forward.
You can't change someone's behavior, only the way you react to it. Good luck

@higgypiggy I would say at least weekly. Lockdown, it was nearly daily. But generally I’d try and head it off, I got good at that- learning how to smooth things for him. Ugh I feel so crappy saying that.
We rent a flat together , the joint tenancy is up in November.

Might be worth talking to whomever you rent from. Telling them he was abusive and you had to leave. Maybe they will agree to let you off the tenancy agreement early. Dunno if that's pos but worth a shot.

Or...who's account does the wage come out from? I was on a lease with a flatmate and she would pay me and I would pay them...so as long as he can keep paying, they might not even bother you. Though I suppose he could come after you for your half...

Is there more than one bedroom? In which case maybe you could give him written notice that you are leaving and he has to get another tenant...? Donno if that's allowed...

But defo speak to the estate agent or whomever rents you the property.

*whos account does the rent come out from?

@Elderhedge completely get you. That's why my kids are usually upstairs from the moment he comes in from work. To avoid any potential conflict

@higgypiggy hope you’re doing ok too. You’ve totally done the right thing. These selfish men cannot just enjoy family life, they’ll never be happy but we can be x

Slightly better day today so far in that I’ve had more focus on work and dd is more settled here. I still feel really sad but i am accepting it and just letting it feel sad. I still can’t quite believe it’s happening but I also know it’s the only thing that could have happened. I was so unhappy. Clearly he was pretty unhappy too. We were so in love for a while, it’s amazing how that can sustain you through some awful pain.
I have a good relationship with our landlord (h never bothered) and H originally moved in there with me years ago so I know there will not be an issue with getting the landlord to issue us notice and make me a new tenancy. Dd school is round there where she is happy, my friends and family are there so I will stay and just keep saving (which I know I can do, have done the maths) for a next adventure.
How do you jsut let go of those joint dreams? I thought that was my future... married and looking to buy property with my husband somewhere outside our city. Maybe another baby. Now I don’t know what will happen. I’m 32 this year and it feels like that’s it for me with marriage or babies. I feel like I’m letting go of something and it’s so hard.

Good news, one step at a time. You are only 32. The world is your oyster.
Make sure you speak to your landlord asap. Has he even agreed to leave?

Well done Op, he sounds like my ex. You did you and your daughter proud by leaving

Why are you writing yourself off at 32? You’re saying that’s it for marriage and babies? I hadn’t even met my husband at your age!! Don’t be silly. Just knuckle down and get the split finalised, get your living situation sorted and start looking forward.