Finally left my H. Keep me strong

[Elderhedge]

I’ve posted on here about my husband before but have NC as I suspect he will go on here and try and find me.
I’m starting a thread because I finally left my husband after a long time of sulks, tantrums, and escalating verbal abuse which last night properly scared me for the first time. I’ve left with dc (not his.. thank god) and am on the train to my dads.
I never, ever thoguht i would get the strength to leave after he did a number on me for the past >3 years and it feels like a relief, but also incredibly sad.
He said I’m a shit wife, a shit mum, that I’m fucked up. I tried everything to keep us together through lockdown but i need to show my dd better than this.
Please hold my hand because this will be the biggest test of my life and I cannot go back. I’m so scared of being lonely, never meeting anyone else, of this maybe being my fault just like he goaded me as I was trying to leave. But I’m more scared of staying on eggshells, my love just slipping away and pretending it wasn’t the case, believing he could be different even every time he screamed at my crying face. He can’t change. I had to go.

It is completely normal OP.
I was with a porn addicted, lying, cheating narcissist.
I still miss him sometimes.
Because I loved him.
That was over 3 1/2 years ago now!
Don't beat yourself up for missing him or the life you wanted for yourself.
Be kind to yourself!

Do you know about trauma bonding? Worth a google.

Also, you have trained yourself for months and years to make excuses for him, to centre his needs, to tell yourself you feel love. That will be a hard habit to break. Be kind to yourself.

Perhaps first simply notice when you think about him and what you are thinking. Observe yourself.

You’re mourning the life and relationship you imagined/wished you had.

Be kind to yourself, lots of women (me included), have put up with horrendous behaviour trying to soothe angry egos and paper over cracks because we’re conditioned to.

On a practical level, I would strongly advise switching Direct debits to your personal account and transferring savings to a personal account (I’d take the lot, but I’m a hard faced bitch having been really wet and feeling sorry for ex which enabled him to carry out the most horrific financial abuse wisely I was left struggling with two young children) and freezing all joint accounts, so he can’t run up debts which you will be jointly liable for.
Tell your landlord the situation you said he’ll happily re-issue a tenancy in your name, get the ball rolling on that.
Look up divorce solicitors or ask for recommendations.

Also, try and enjoy being just you and your daughter for a while. You sound so lost and broken right now. Find yourself, do things you love and enjoy. Enjoy your little world together with your DD and learn to love being in your own skin.

Definitely do the freedom programme.

Also if you want you will have a loving healthy relationship, there are many lovely decent men out there. You are so so young. If it helps I got together with my DP in my late thirties and we have DC together now. He’s an amazing dad to my older children as well, and always puts them first and genuinely cares about them as do his family (my MIL researched colleges for my eldest DC & is her biggest supporter in her educational and career ambitions).

You deserve to be in a loving relationship your daughter deserve to see a healthy loving adult relationship and she deserves to be loved and cared for not terrified by the adults in her life.

It’s completely normal OP! If you need someone to talk to please message me, I’ve just gone through the same thing! ❤️

OP, you say you don't know WHO he is......?

He's someone who wanted to choke you during sex on your second date?????....please have a think about that...think about your daughter sharing that nigget😳and reflect on what YOU would think about hearing that.

It's a shocker.

This waa NEVER a healthy relationship.

Please accept your IRL support.

Block this waster.

Nugget!

With the second date thing m, we were both VERY drunk as far as I remember and the choking/dirty talk he tried on, never ever came up again, however I think he had quite a kinky sex life with his previous long term girlfriend. I accept that it's an early example of him getting moody/knee jerk reacting possibly because he felt embarassed that I didn't want it,m-- but I remember reacting the way I did very clearly too, like I felt I'd ruined something lovely (even though I hadn't) and that I needed to make him feel better. So I cited that incident as much to show how much of a massive people pleaser I have obviously always been, rather than that he's this guy who is really into choking during sex (which he really isn't going by the past 4 years). Not that any of it is remotely healthy. I guess it's just very hard to swallow that it was NEVER the right relationship. That if I'd chosen not to persuade him to stay then, how different my (and dd)s lives would be. It's incredibly depressing. Today I feel so deflated and depressed. But one positive is I'm not feeling panicky. Even just a week here so far has given me more calm and clarity.

Drop euphemisms like "people pleaser".

Start learning about codependency and how abuse thrives because abusers and codependents work together to keep it growing. Like you did.

See it as the MH issue that it is and be kind to yourself as you learn to manage it.

You will emerge from this as a stronger woman and a better mother. You can make this enrich your life.

He won't change so you have to change your behaviour. Try not to let him inside your head anymore.

Don't for a second think that your dd will miss out by not living with him. He's abusive. That will only damage her in the long term.

Well done for leaving.

You're doing really well OP, stay strong.

Next time you think you're having a wobble, picture yourself back in your DDs bedroom with him yelling at you while you're in there. Remember what your DD said to you about how she saw you sobbing after he'd been nasty to you.

Is that the childhood you want her to continue to have? You have done the right thing and protected her by removing her from this man.

Every wobble, every time you feel yourself wanting to go back, remember how horrible he was to your DD. Remind yourself of the things she had to see and hear, and how intolerant he was of her little ways.

That should strengthen your resolve. He's a shitbag.

By the way, I left a shitbag and had twins aged 34 (unplanned accident). I then got together with someone and 10 years on, we're still together and the children idolise him. I felt worthless. Certain I was going to alone, childless and single for life. I'm really happy now. You really don't know what's waiting around the corner but you have to make space in your life for it to happen. Sending love.

I massively messed up on my progress last night. I answered his call - but he was weirdly cold and quiet on the phone, no more of the apologies or even a trace of love or care in his voice. When I asked if he had thought any more about things, he said no and that he was still hurt by my leaving and wouldn’t be able to trust me again. He didn't talk at all about the circumstances of why I left or t he issues that led to it and I honestly felt like I was being gaslighted because I didn't leave in a vacuum. And supposedly he was going to get help etc- yet again he's changed his time. And said he had already said sorry the day I left, and nothing can be done about what happened until I come back home. He was like "what do you want from me?" And said that my leaving had "left scars". He sounded so cold. I got very upset and said that I just wanted some empathy and care, that I was so so confused by the different ways he acted over the past week, and he said "well it seems like the only way to get you to come to the table is to ignore you so that's what I'm going to do from now on".

When he hung up I felt just... physically sick. Like a pain. Why did I expect anything from him? Why did I even take the bait? To end on that note about ignoring me was so brutal and I feel like AGAIN I have seen the real him, I feel that a man whose wife has left because she couldn't take his anger/abuse, MUST be able to see that it's up to him to do something- but why did I think that? Why am I desperately trying to get something real from a man who at every step is showing zero empathy and spite? I can't believe this is the guy I've lived with, who I married, I can't believe this is him, it's like there's no conscience- and the side of my brain is going "you made him like this" and I just feel completely at rock bottom. I know that I could have my old life back, clearly, if I just capitulate like he wants me to and accept his token words that he is sorry and loves me; but what would this all have been worth? I've seen just what a cold and cruel person he can be and that's what I'd be signing up for. But my brain again jsut doesn't want to believe it because it doesn't compute for me.it can't be like that...surely?

Please don't respond just saying pull yourself together, I know I shouldn't have spoken to him, I have just felt incredibly stuck and lost this week. I'm so hurt it's almost like a physical pain. Trying to just get through today one step at a time.

Your old life was shit. Why would you want that back?

On balance it is probably good you spoke to him. He confirmed in that call that he is an utter wanker.

He likes hurting you. Can you see it now?

His behaviour has been consistently that of a psychopath. Maybe you need to look back through your whole relationship and make a list of all the signs. It might be easier when you come to terms with him having ALWAYS been a bellend.

I also suggest you start to create the narrative in your own mind about why you ignored all the signs.

Right now the only way you can comprehend you having lived with his awfulness is by convincing yourself he cannot actually be that awful: it's something you made happen somehow or something you failed to explain properly, etc.

You need the story you tell yourself sorted. The real story of what happened over the years. In this story you need to see him as the psychopath, you as a codependent person and the resolution of the story is you conquering your codependency issues, you walking away and becoming a strong independent woman.

Replay your life with a new voiceover.

OP, I appreciate this is clearly difficult for you but if you could just try and move your focus to the little girl that has been bullied for most of her life by this man and realise she deserves so much more.

I think if you could just move your focus from yourself to your defenceless child.

Your have choices here that you can exercise but your little girl doesn't.

She is at the mercy of your choices and this awful man if you choose to put her in harms way.

Do you want your future for her?

A damaged woman gravitating towards abusive men because that's all she's known and thinks she deserves.

Please be strong for her.

He called you.
He is playing you.
What he is cold about is that you are strong, you have not gone back.
Please see you are moving on. That it is ok to wish for might have been, if you can accept it will never be.

Just checking on you OP, hope you and your dd are ok.

I am sure there have been events since your last posting. Just hope your keeping your chin up.

How are things now @Elderhedge? I’m in a similar situation right now and I hope you have found happiness. Sending you lots of love.

JM79