Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

How old are they?

Depending on how old, I would start pulling back on running after them, let them do their own laundry, cooking, cleaning, earn their own pocket money.

They cant miss you (and what you do) if it's always just "there".

You should begin to build an independent life for yourself in anticipation of them moving out.

I can imagine how much that would hurt. Is it that your ex is able just to indulge them in whatever they want to do whereas you need to have more boundaries? Like with what time you eat dinner. Not that what you’re doing is wrong in any way.

It’s probably because he’s the laid back type and let’s them do what they want. Lazy parenting! I’m sure if they were living with him full time they may not think the same. The grass is greener and all that. I can see why you would be upset though.

I know it’s really hard but please try not to show them how upset you are. My mum was always putting her emotions on me as a teenager and relying on me to help her with them. If she thought I was closer to my dad she’d immediately burst into tears and dissapear for an afternoon. She once made me sign some paper to say that I’d always be her best friend and love her. I found it very difficult

It sounds like lazy parenting and lack of boundaries that they love. Pretty sure if they had that all the time it wouldn't be such a luxury. Parenting is setting the rules and boundaries so they become fully functioning adults. He is not doing this. Please don't take this personally.

Who will they run to when they are sad, upset scared, or in trouble OP? Or even when they need something?

How did it come up in conversation? I’d just say please be careful what you say to them because my mum was and still is jealous of my relationship with my dad and it has put a strain on our relationship. I genuinely loved them both the same as a child but simply found my dad better company/ easier to talk to - although I appreciate this may be very different to your context.

I take things very personally from my teen dc too but remember they often say things one week but may feel completely differently the next week. One of mine said he didn’t want a cuddle (I think he actually said he was too old) and I felt a bit sad but didn’t say anything...... a few weeks later he moaned I didn’t cuddle him as much as his little brothers any more
and @nolovelost -being a parent is hard and we can only try our hardest.

You said he's a narc - he's obviously charming them & playing them up. He needs them onside. They don't have the maturity to see through him yet, but I'm sure they will in time. Just hold on & be consistent.

My almost-15 yr old boy is in an anti-DH phase, they're really butting heads. I can see how he's subconsciously trying to play us (DH & I) off against each other. I'm not flattering myself that I'm the perfect parent, I'm just going to hold tight & be predictable. For a teenager, I think it's a good thing for a parent to be predictable & steady!

I know it's gutting, but just hang in there. Xx

Because they have an easier time there. You're the one that gets to nag whereas they have a 'nicer' time there. Don't stop doing what you do though. When they get older they see you different. My daughter literally hated me (was mutual at times ) now she is an adult we are best friends.

Most kids can be pretty fickle and selfish - they like to take the easy route when it's available to them. It's normal, that's just they way their brains are wired. It sounds like they get their own way at their dad's place... so it suits them in the short term.

But that does not mean you are doing anything wrong. You are doing the right thing by them, they need structure and discipline too. No, they might not openly rejoice about it, but you are laying the groundwork for them to be able to be disciplined with themselves as they grow older.

So keep the faith! You are doing what's right. And over time they will see that, and they will appreciate it.

I think you're overreacting massively TBH. I think its really normal to be closer to one parent than the other, especially if you've got more in common with one than the other. It doesn't mean they don't love you or that you're a bad mother, just that they're growing up and developing their own interests and personalities outside of yours. I wouldn't take it so personally. Surely you feel closer with some members of your family than others? Its really normal.

Ouch
They've said that they love you both. But I guess if the things they enjoy doing right now are the things they do at Dads then perhaps that's what this comment reflects.
Can you ask them for some ideas of what they would like to do with you instead as a way forward? Maybe you need to meet them in the middle and find some activities you all enjoy doing together.

Thank you all so much! They are 12 and 16. Yes, he has no boundaries and is very lazy.

My youngest even said when explaining it to me that they like/love me the same and that they appreciate everything that I do for them etc.

So shall I stop trying to please/think of things to do or keep trying to make an effort to do things together?

Who do they run to? It depends what the problem is, I think it's equal.

How did it come up in conversation? It's all stemmed from lockdown really, after spending more time with him. The first child, it came up because I brought it up, saying I was concerned they felt closer. Then the second child because I said that I wished I could find something for us all to do that we enjoyed.

Yes he lets them do what they want but so do I, I don't force them to do things and don't mither to do homework.

He's never done rules or boundaries and is against/above the law.
They see me as the sensible one and him the fun one!

To be honest I felt suicidal last night.

TBH I wouldn’t look for reasons/excuses why they’re closer to their dad. That just leads to competition in your head and self questioning where you’ve gone wrong.

In truth they just might feel closer to their dad.They’re not wrong to feel like that.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I'm glad you've said that actually, thanks!

Mums seem to get it worse with the brunt of kids behaviours as they usually are the ones that are putting in the boundaries. (I say usually)
Maybe they are seeing their dad as the 'fun' one if he is being more relaxed right now.
In a way, it's a good thing what you are doing as deep down they need those boundaries.
Kids say all sorts of stuff and don't think twice about it. I doubt they meant it in a hurtful way.
If you're feeling a but fragile at the min and you've said their dad has been a bit of a narc, remember this and that you're only doing your best.
You've laid the foundations for your relationship, which will always be there. Teenagers test you but if you've got the strong foundations, they will hold up.

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You really set them up to fail here OP and it is massively unfair! It's incredibly damaging to sit there asking your kids who they feel closer to, imagine if your parents had done that to you! Imagine how stressed and uncomfortable and guilty you'd have felt. Please stop doing that to your daughters. It's OK if they have more in common with him! It's normal!

They don't belong to you. It's an easy trap to fall into as mothers but we have to accept that our children exist separately from us.

OP why did it make you feel suicidal that they said that they love and like you but they have more in common with their Dad, something that you pushed.

I think you maybe need to unpick this issue yourself - they didnt say it to hurt you or in anger you pushed them. Something which maybe part of the problem that you need something from them emotionally they are not equipped to give you whereas there Dad does not.

You've done nothing wrong. The fact that your DDs have been able to have these conversations with you is testament to the strength of your relationship and all the hardwork you have done in the past to help your DCs be confident and articulate.
It sounds like their father is playing at being "mates" while you are still being fun. It also sounds like your DDs may be less certain of his affections, they know they can rely on your love even if they feel that he may withdraw if they are less than 100% complimentary about the time they spend with him.
You are in this for the longhaul, they love you, you love them. Please try not to beat yourself up.

OP, you are making them responsible for your emotions and that’s not on tbh. Telling your DD you’re concerned that she’s closer to her dad? She has a right to be if that’s how she feels, even if that’s hard to realise. She’s an independent being in her own right and is entitled to her own thoughts and feelings.

Are they just being kids?

I'll be honest - I really loved it as a teenager when my mum was unemployed as she was at home and my tea was ready when I got home

Meanwhile my parents were having a nightmare as they had no money and were at risk of having the house repossessed. But what did I care about - my tea was ready when I got home!

They had massive rows and I used to think about which one I'd live with if they split up. Hmm my lovely mum who slaved for me, or my scatty dad - oh yes, my dad as he'd need me to look after him. Thank God my DM never asked, she'd have been heart broken if I'd told her I thought like that.

Kids are bloody awful and mainly selfish. Please don't take it to heart.

That should say that you are still being mum, not fun. sorry.

Well they will see things very differently in a few years believe me. Don't change your approach. They need some stucture even though they don't know it yet!
And I would play it cool. Say how happy you are that have such a great relationship with their dad and don't turn it into a competition. That is not fair. They will look back as adults and see that he took the easy road for his own benefit and will see that you were the one who provided proper structure.

Ive seen a similar situation in the kids of people I know and in kids of people I've dated / had relationships with so bate in mond it's only based on my experience of 9 children.

It seems to me they're always closer to the parent they don't live with.
In reality, it's more like they spend so much time with resident parent that they compensate by feeling closer to the one they miss most. I think it's why so many kids want to go live with the other parent when the other parent is often feckless and useless dilly hole. But, like I say, that's just how it's always seemed to me. Sucks for the parent doing all the work to feel overlooked and snubbed for the absent parent.

Try not to let it get you down Op. Their hormones and missing the other parent and pressures of lockdown and spending too much time with you all rolls up into a confused ball of teen brain.