Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

Op. My parents divorced when I was 11. I remember thinking that had I had the choice I would have lived with my father. In retrospect this was because of a perceived lack of boundaries as mum was the 'mean' one. In reality my mum simply asked us to tidy our rooms and the kitchen after dinner I.e. had a normal parenting behaviour while my dad was simply absent physically and emotionally so was never involved in discipline. Our minimal time with him was always positive interactions where we would make his speciality dishes do new things but there was never any rules for us.

I'm 33 now and much closer to my mum then dad as are my siblings as she actually makes time for us and takes an emotional interest.

While I don't think dad was a narc, he was always very self involved and we all feel rather distant now.

Hey @nolovelost! Hi! Its lockdown and everything is crazy, emotions are running high aren't they?? My daughter loves her dad more than me - no telling off - no restrictions. Girls are closr to dads, like boys are closer to mums. I know it hurts, but time will tell. I have been there and youjust have to go with the flow. But, even though she has grown up, she has seen me more then her dad in the lockdown. Im the one she confides in. We got there in the end

Thank you!

Thank you for all the posts and especially to people that think I'm normal!

Koko OP, it's tough being a parent, even more so nowadays.

OP, you should be proud.

Proud that you chose a good father for your children, a man they actively enjoy spending time with. Far better that than if you’d saddled them with a crap uninterested dad or a knob.

Proud that they felt they could be open and honest with you when you asked. They clearly trust that you can handle a truthful response to your question, which says a lot for the honesty and integrity of your bond.

Proud that you’ve raised kids who have a strong bond with both parents despite the divorce.

There are a lot of positives to take from this. Can you identify any others?

Girls are closr to dads, like boys are closer to mums.

I don't agreed with this and it's not my experience.

I have sisters who have daughters and I have daughters as well...all our DDs, are closer to us their mums, but obviously love both parents equally.

I think as kids get older, they understand a lot more and appreciate what you do and how much you care for them.

OP... this might cheer you up.

Dads and their children

Thank you @AmeliaTaylor, what a lovely thing to say! You have such a good point. It's made me realise that they must feel comfortable telling me these things (even though I actually reacted badly, which I now realise) which is a good thing, they must think I'm approachable, (I'm glad about that) which some posters disagree with.
Yes I've always been determined to not let our problems get in the way of our relationship with the kids.

Other positives are, they've always said they understand why we split up, that if we stayed together that it would have been very damaging. And they've seen that both myself and him are much happier as a result. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to express this.

I've apologised to them both, said that I want us to move on and that it won't be brought up again. They've been lovely about it.

I've had a glass and a half of wine and just reminded myself of the reasons why I don't drink!

@SandyY2K LOL!! I think their dad knows more about them than a lot of dad's do, but there is probably stuff he doesn't, thinking about it. Like period dates, bra's, practical stuff....etc. Oh and how much I spend on essential things like exams, dinner money etc....

I think their dad knows more about them than a lot of dad's do

Some people are useless spouses, but good parents...perhaps he's one of them.

My DDs spend a lot of time in their rooms as well.

They're both different in personality and I wouldn't watch most of what they do...like the Kardashians, Love Island, Ex on the beach etc.., but we have common ground in watching things some things together.

Teenagers don't always think about the impact of their words. It's good to let them know that you're hurt, it'll help them form a better perspective of you, as a real human not just "mum-thing". You letting them know your feelings was good, it'll help them grow up. But then quickly MOVE ON, change the subject, don't dwell. Don't continue to make them feel bad. It will end up in resentment.

Teens will always want the fun parent over the strict one but that's because they're immature! I bet if they have a problem you're the first one they go to, not the immature parent.

They say they still love and respect you, that's the most important thing.

OP your kids know about why you split up?! How much emotional baggage could you be offloading on them? As you're warmed up to the narc label, consider whether the description of covert narc could apply to you. Not meaning to put the boot in, but I think you need to revisit the way you talk to your children so you can hold the boundary they need from you.

I think people are being really goady towards you tbh. It was quite a harsh thing for a teenager to say (if my parents had asked me that I would have said I liked them both the same to spare their feelings.) I would feel really bad if I answered in a way that upset someone. It sounds like you have had a tough time with your ex over the years, are clearly low enough to feel easily pushed to feeling suicidal, and are living with teenagers that are too self absorbed to pick up on that. I know a lot of teens can be like that, but presumably you're not seeing anyone else right now to counterbalance it. It's no wonder you're feeling a bit crap. Be kind to yourself.

@allthedamnvampires where did I say that they know the real reasons why we split up??? God if they knew they'd be very damaged.

Read the thread!!!!

I've just had a very lengthy enjoyable chat with my youngest about my rebellious past!

To be honest I felt suicidal last night.

I felt for you a bit, until this. Why should a conversation you essentially forced with your children in which they told you they loved/liked you as much as their dad but felt closer to him, have left you feeling suicidal? And if you knew the outcome of the conversation could upset you so much, why the hell did you put that weight on their shoulders? And then presumably let them see how much it had upset you. I'm not sure your ex is the only narcissist parent these poor kids have

And to the poster who suggested trying to relax more, it's allowed or I should try it.. (or along those lines) - how do you know how much I do this? I sit on my arse enough and get my kids to sit with me, I know how to balance rest, housework and activies etc.

Oh do one @rottiemum88 you must be such a perfect parent. You clearly haven't tried to understand.

Aww op don’t take it to personal I have had similar with dc . Going to their dads they basically do all the fun stuff and no restrictions on gaming / internet time etc

Here it’s normally school , me working , more rules etc . Horrible woman that I am

They love you don’t take it to heart

Oh do one @rottiemum88 you must be such a perfect parent. You clearly haven't tried to understand

I am far from a perfect parent but I agree with @rottiemum. This entire self indulgent thread has been all about YOU and you have not considered the damage such an OTT reaction may have had on your children. That IS a little hard to undersand and it makes me wonder how much of their time is spent trying to avoid such drama and having to placate and reassure you.
They won't be making that mistake again, you can be sure about that.

Oooft OP you really should not have asked who they felt closer to. My mum would do similar things - sometimes with my Dad but also with my friend's mums - saying things like "oh i bet you think she is nicer/cooler/more fun that me" and I'd have to spend a while making her feel better. Its made our relationship today kind of hard, even though I love her very much and I don't think she knows that I find it hard. It makes me feel like her love for me is conditional somehow, that I might upset her and then spend ages trying to make her feel better. It doesn't happen much anymore, but tbh I never tell her anything personal about my problems or ask for help - the way she's leaned on me emotionally in the past means I just don't go there.

sometimes we do things without noticing or knowing how they affect people so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I know it must be super hard to raise your girls and co-parent with an ex you don't like. But please don't ask your daughters questions like that about who they feel closer too. Its hurtful for you but also hard and confusing for them

I agree with previous posters in that it’s massively unfair to ask them loaded questions like which parent they prefer, then guilt trip them by showing how upset you are that you’re not the favourite. This entire thread has been about how upset you are, but think how much you’ve upset and guilt tripped your children.

I think you need to re-examine your own behaviour as what you’ve done is very upsetting and stressful for your children and quite narcissistic in itself as you’ve shown very little concern for how inappropriate this situation is and how much it will have upset your children, this thread is all about you and your feelings.

They are teenagers in wierd times. Stay strong and chat to your own friends and look after yourself. When they are 21+ they will see who was actually a better solid parent for them

Good grief. The OP doesn't remotely sound like a narcisist. Christ almighty... And for the record, i totally disagree with this idea that you shouldn't talk to your kids about reasons for splitting up. And you'll damage tgem if they do. Utter bollocks. or starters, they'll think of reasons themselves. And those imaginary reasons might be much more damaging than the real ones. OP. Agree with posters who say it sounds like you have a perfectly Good, healthy loving relationship with your DDs

Sorry. Full of typos