Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

This could easily be my children in a few years time, their dad lets them do whatever they like, whilst I try to instil rules and discipline. Please remember though that at different stages in their lives they will feel closer to one parent or another at that time, it doesn’t mean they love you any less and it’s not forever. I felt much closer to my dad as a teenager as he was steady and consistent, since having my own children though the relationship with my mum has flourished. Just be there for them whenever they need you, and be pleased they are happy and confident when away from you, it’s testament that you’ve done a good job!

It sounds like he enjoys living like a teenager.

They are teenagers, ergo at the moment they feel they have more in common with him.

give it a few years and they will realise how strange/lazy it is for an adult to live like that.

It was a bit silly to ask them who they feel closer to but never mind, done now.

This is a situation of your own making though? You chose to make it into a situation.

I doubt your DC had really given a thought to who they were closer to if you hadnt asked them.

You are still comparing yourself and their dad. Stop it. He is their dad and they love him, it doesnt matter if you dont like him. You are using this as part of your argument with him, its a good thing they like him and find him funny. He is their dad!

I personally think you should give them a hug, ask them if they want to watch some tv (of their choice) and just say you love them. And leave the situation at that. Dont apologise because it brings it back up again.

That must have been so hurtful. A friend of mine has had similar with her teen- he prefers to stay with dad because he doesn’t expect him to help or do any schoolwork!

I’m sure they love you - and their father. They just love you differently. At the moment they may feel they have more in common with their father-like having morning lie ins and relaxing in front of the tv. In danger of generalising I would say - teenage daughters tend to idolise their fathers ( when there is a good relationship) - and fathers their daughters- for a few years- whilst mothers or the main childhood carer can be rather taken for granted! In young adult life it will be different! I know the relationship with my mother changed as I grew into adulthood, and yes I think I did take my mum a bit for granted in my teen years - whilst also wanting to break free from being told what to do and become autonomous before I was ready.
I agree with flapjack - they will see things differently in a few years time!

They've not said they don't love you. Just that they're closer to their Dad. He is their dad, it's not a competition of "I do more for you and you live with me too so you should love me more". My parents split too, I'm closer to my Dad and love him more than I do my Mum. Same humour, outlook on life etc. & he's kinder than my Mum. She's still my Mum but my feelings are mine. Just as your feelings are yours, and your DCs have theirs. In terms of parent/child relationship between they and their Dad it's not really your remit to define and ruminate on what and how it should be. Maybe he is more laid back as some pp's have suggested but ok even if he is, don't hang onto thought that they'll grow older and suddenly detach from him thinking wow, Mum you were always the best. They may not even bother to do that. I didn't. I love my Dad more and that's just the way it is. Just enjoy your DCs whilst they're still home with you, you sound to get on well enough, again they didn't say they don't love you and that's a good thing.

He's just more fun at the moment as it sounds very free and easy. Definitely don't take it to heart!

I definitely felt closer to my dad growing up. He was the ‘fun’ one who played with me, argued with me, seemed to understand me best. My mum was ‘just’ a housewife. Once I got older and had my own family I had much more in common with my mum. We’re not supposed to have favour children, but aren’t we allowed to have favourite parents?

I’m divorced. It’s obvious to me that my DC love and want to spend time with their dad, despite the fact he had an affair and left the family. It does hurt if I think about it too much, as my kids have been my life since the divorce. But then I remember my own feelings towards my parents. It’s natural. And unfortunately our kids aren’t there to make us feel loved. They are living their own lives.

The first child, it came up because I brought it up, saying I was concerned they felt closer.

Do you think that was a fair comment to make on your part? Presenting their closeness to their dad as a problem and cause for concern?

Tbh I don't think we do have a God-given right as mums always to be closest to our children. Be very close is good, but anyone who makes it a competition is setting the whole family up to fail. Much as I love my mum, I would have resented it if she had said something like that. I would not accept being drawn into power games about my feelings.

Tbh even expressing to much concern about a lack of closeness to teenagers is not a great idea: this is an age where it is very important that they should be allowed to feel good about their greater independence. (And of course that one day they may feel closer to somebody else outside the family altogether). Of course we want them to feel close enough to always come back, but that happens easier if we don't seem needy.

As far as I am concerned, you insist on good behaviour- being spoken to politely, doing their part of the chores, allowing for family finances- but you cannot insist on feelings and it would be wrong to do so.

Your children have actually confirmed that they love you and think you're a brilliant mum. This is good. Be grateful. Let them know it makes you happy.

When my teen confessed, a couple of years later, that he had been suffering from flashbacks from something bad that happened and that at the end he had confided in a friend (so not even his dad, another teenager) who had given good advice, I felt a momentary twinge that he hadn't come to me. And then I thought "But isn't that great! He needed someone and someone was there for him who was able to help him when I couldn't! I am so grateful!"

Yes, your children are not there just to love you.

They have their own lives

It's because he lets them do what they like my stepdaughters are the same I don't think they mean it when they say it about their mom but they have an easy life at mine (take the piss) and don't lift a finger which I know doesn't happen at home. I would let it go if that's how they feel stop doing everything for them.

it came up because I brought it up, saying I was concerned they felt closer.

I find it strange that you did this. Are you an insecure person? Are you happy and fulfilled in your life?

Completely agree @Annamaria14 - Op please sort yourself out and don't emotionally manipulate them or make them feel bad for how they feel. They are entitled to their own feelings and emotions and to prefer whatever or whoever they want.

I would see this a bit differently - remember that they are 12 and 16 - did you hold the same opinions as an adult that you had at 12 or 16? They will grow up to realise that they love you both equally I am sure, from what you say! They have said teenager type things to say. Ignore it and carry on exactly as you are. They are just enjoying the laid back approach as many teenagers would. You are providing balance.

Didn't we all feel closer to one parent than the other at points through our lives? Don't some of us still feel that way?

Your mistake is in bringing the subject up.

Please don't guilt them or show how you feel, or they'll gravitate to him even more. In doing so you're making them feel uncomfortable, while they can relax with their dad.

OP I understand how hard this is but you must step back and separate the man who was a shit husband from the man who is their father. I've had to do the same.
It's hard but you need to look on the bright side and be pleased they're able to speak with you freely. They may not be able to speak so freely with him, if he's anything like my ex (Disney dad aside)

It's the hardest thing to do but it's right for them and for you. Learn to be confident and proud of your role in their lives and make time to pursue the things that fulfil your goals and dreams.
They're people in their own right and it's healthy to detach a little.
I know you're hurting but you have brought the issue to a head in your own mind and can now move forward.
Fishers Transition Curve is really helpful tool for healing and seeing where we are. Look it up and be well

OP I really get you. When my son was young I did everything with him. I took him to activities, took him on holiday, did his homework, if he had to do projects it was always me. You name it and I did it with him. His dad was a workaholic and his only contribution was to take him to school in the morning.

He took his homework book out and I was checking it, he had written that he was closer to his dad than me and like you I was gutted.

Wish people would bother to read the full thread, instead people like to ignore my acknowlegements of my faults and what I am doing to make it better. It's hard work having teenagers, sometimes people make mistakes, you might realise how hard it is one day.

Asking a teen/pre-teen about their feelings for you is bound to end badly. They're all over the place emotionally and often v. self-absorbed as they're figuring out who they are and going through the rollercoaster of teenage emotions. My two are similar ages and we have some real drama sometimes!

Put it behind you and carry on being the great parent you are.

@deste I'm sorry you had the same experience. Do you think that changed or stayed the same he got older?

I never wanted to be prefered, just thought of as equal. It just shocked me. And yes I had a terrible relationship with him, doesn't mean I don't want them to have a good relationship with him.

@nolovelost I agree with you, parenting teenagers is v. hard work and unless you've been through it, you don't really understand how hard it can be!

@AmICrazyorWhat2 thank you X

I did read your thread, OP, and I do still have one teen (+ one in her early 20s). I think I can confidently say I know how hard it can be. Did I mention my youngest having flashbacks? That was from coming home one day and finding his sister after a suicide attempt.

I have sat outside while they have been in therapy and known I have absolutely no idea of what they might be saying about me in there and that I must never ask.

And you know what? I did not have a right to know either. They were their thoughts, their feelings, if they blamed me, however unjust that might be, then I had no right to get inside their heads to know about it.

That I think is something we have to learn as parents of older children: that they are people in the same way as we are. Their thoughts are their own, their feelings are their own, they are not accountable to us for anything other than their outward behaviour.

It is hard, but if we want a relationship with them as adults, then we have to accept that. If ds' friend was better for him at that dark time, then that is for me to be grateful for, because it was never about me.

Are you me OP? My DS13 is currently at his Dads and I think he might move in. They play poker until 3am and he let's him drink and there are no rules about what you eat or when you eat it. Yet here we expect the kids to pick up their dirty clothes and keep their bedrooms clean and eat much the same dinner as everyone else. I know, I know we are monsters.

Its heartbreaking isnt it.

Perfect post from corythatwas.

I was rather appalled that the first response to the OP was effectively to suggest punishing these children for having been honest about their feelings. Our children don't owe us a certain measure of love, 'closeness' or expressed appreciation. The love of our children is a privilege and a gift, not a currency in which we 'get back' what we've 'put in'.