Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

@rottiemum88 @CJsGoldfish both members of the diplomatic corps

OP I'm not condoning what you said to your DC, however, being a parent is probably the most difficult job to do, and we don't always get it right.

I agree with @AmeliaTaylor, your DC have two great parents despite being in different households.

There are ways of delivering constructive criticism, some posters are epic failures in this area.

Totally agree with @SomeoneElseEntirelyNow. Try not to stress about it and be happy that they love you. Being closer to someone doesn't equate to loving them more, it just means they have more in common.

You cannot help who you feel closer to. Feelings of closeness with a person are not a payment for how much that person has done for you, or how much that person loves you. They just develop because that person and you have more things in common. A friend may have done a huge amount for you, be there for you, and have been a friend for longer, but you may be closer to a much more recent friend who is much less reliable, just because of how you feel when you're in their presence, the "chemistry". You cannot buy closeness, and it is not a "fair" feeling. Just like love, it just IS. A person who wants to be your partner and treats you like a queen , and is a fantastic person may not be the person you fall in love with. You cannot choose your feelings.

That is why I find it baffling that so many posters are trying to justify "why" your DDs feel closer to their dad... "because he is a narc, because they are selfish, because they take the OP for granted"... really? How about just because that is how they feel and the OP asked them, so they were honest to her?

Can I just say how great your kids sound? You have done a sterling job raising two kind, honest and mature children. You should be very proud.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh OP as it isn't meant to but Given your DCs ages I think you shouldn't take what they've said to heart. Of course they feel closer to their dad - he's acting more like their mate than a parent and gives them no boundaries!

I would have said something similar as a teen but as I got older it didn't take me long to realise my dad didn't know me very well so agreed with everything I said but is completely passive so actually it was my mum who made the effort to hear me, guide me and actually parent me.

Also, there is a fine line between being honest with your dc and expecting too much. I don't understand why you would have expressed concern to them that they are closer to their dad. You asked, they've told you the truth and now you're so upset about it you said you feel suicidal. I really hope your dc don't know that because it's not their burden to carry - it sets the expectation that either they lie to you about their feelings or they have to like their dad less.

From my reading of the thread I think you are understandably upset but are overreacting to something that is fairly standard with teens / tweens.

I’m glad you’re feeling better and stronger. You sound like the mum they need and your DDs sound delightful. Just an emotional blip OP.

@P999 thank you. From that one thing it appears I'm a narcisist, you don't know me as a person! And I don't just think of myself. Not sure how people can surmise that from one problem I've posted.

@rayoflightboy that's nice thanks! You've skirted around my comments and decided to only comment on the negative ones, and decided that my positive ones are useless or not read them.

My kids enjoy being here. I also said that I've read the harsh comments and taken them on board and thanked everyone.

My kids go to their dad's to get away from me, how nasty. I hope you're not this goady in real life.

I totally understand wanting to complain about your ex and calling him all sorts of names etc to make yourself feel better. I think we have all done it to release anger and bitterness in ourselves. And as you can see they are many posters who will join in to jump on him too.
The problem here and the thing I am surprised that so many posters seem to ignore is the damage that is being caused to the children.
Your behaviour is frankly disgusting.You are acting needy manipulative and controlling and it must be so distressing and damaging for your DC.
Just on the basis of your action I can see why your DC would prefer your Ex than you. Its nothing to do with you being tougher and a better parent, or the fact that they dad is a lazy parent. It is probably more the fact that they will feel instead of being kids and loving both their parents, feeling safe and happy in both homes, they have to say and do things to soothe your emotional paranoia.
Good parents want their children to be strong and happy, you will need to change your attitude on how you act if you really want them to feel you are one and not just say it cause they have to.

Thank you, especially @mynameiscalypso I am extremely proud of them, they are honest, loving, polite and caring.

@Cheeseandwin5 why is my behaviour disgusting, manipulative and controlling? Because I've got upset about one thing? How am I manipulating them? I've asked them something, got upset and acknowledged it?!!!!!

@nolovelost,because it's something that should never be asked.

And I haven't skirted around your comments.I answered to what I thought.

I'm not being goady,I can only respond to what's being wrote here.No more,no less

@TigerDater thank you. Thanks to everyone. There are lots of nice people on here and although I admit that I'm over emotional and sensitive, I don't agree with some of the words used to describe me. I'm thinking that maybe they can't see the fuller picture, that they're only going on one thing, they don't realise all the positive aspects of or relationship. It seems some people find it easy to jump on and be nasty. I'm hardened to it though, I've been on here for years and unfortunately I see it a lot.

@rayoflightboy how have I been very agressive?

And why do you post nasty comments?

Try not to despair. This is normal behaviour for selfish teens. Their brains are working differently under the influence of hormones in puberty. Their thinking changes. They like risky things, smoking behind the bike sheds etc. However they still need a boundary of that’s far enough there. They will challenge this boundary, we all do. As they grow out of puberty and into adulthood, they develop adult thinking. If you have put in place secure sensible consistent boundaries, they adopt them. Keep on keeping on. Children as adults usually realise what was going off.
Research with children from the care system as adults, shows that they thought the freedom of absent inconsistent parenting was great, deep down they wanted what other children had, caring consistent boundaries. In this way the children recognised who loved them enough to battle for and with them. This will happen with your daughters. Keep true to what you know and best of luck

I think you did well to have that chat with your dc, OP, and to make resolutions not to ask inappropriate questions in the future.

It's like we are always told to tell our children: I love you but I don't like your behaviour.

You are in all likelihood- as your children say!- a lovely mum, but your behaviour on this particular occasion wasn't ok. You can change that, and it seems like you have already decided to do so.

If you do find your own wellbeing is too tied up with your children- who are going to be growing up and growing away from you over the next few years- then this might also be the time to think over that. What can you do for yourself to ensure that you feel fulfilled enough and robust enough the day when the daily role of nurturing and guiding isn't there for you anymore? Lockdown is not a time for easily realising new ideas, but you can at least make plans.

rayoflightboy. Your post is really unpleasant. Was that your intention? The OP has said she felt suicidal about this before and yet you still chose to write a post like that! Why would you do that? Do you get a kick out of it?
The OP acknowledges she shouldn't have asked her child who she prefers and she has apologised.

Would it be right in saying that the kids have less 'rules' a there dads? They watch/do what they like?
It seem to be keep routine going and sticking to it therefore not letting away with being lazy?

Although you did say 'I choose' do the girls every choose to do anything or how do you work together as a unit.

If your ex is a narc then it sounds like hes given them everything they want rather than what they need. So, it's a no brainer who the kids will think is the best.

Give yourself a break, I'm sure you are a fantastic mum! Kids tend to thrive on what they want. So ever gives it will be the best. You can guarantee when they're older they will appreciate you!

Thank you @Beeep.

I wasn't asking them who they prefered, that's not the case.

@nolovelostThanks to everyone. There are lots of nice people on here and although I admit that I'm over emotional and sensitive

I think it is really easy to be over emotional and sensitive at the moment. I'm normally a coper, the one people (friends and family) turn to when they are worried/upset, I'm definitely a glass half full person and for the last 30 odd years I've been my husbands carer, worked, even now late 60s I'm doing part time work and running a small online business, I brought up 4 kids while all that was going on. I live in a small cul de sac, 8 houses. We all speak in passing but not an area where people are in and out of people's houses. When lockdown started I immediately went round to the widow nextdoor and offered to get her shopping included with my delivery, pick up her med or whatever, same to someone at the end of the cul de sac. Immediate neighbour on the otherside were unpleasant when we moved here but 20 years of being pleasant, taking their parcels in etc meant we were on pleasant terms. On Friday they were all out on neighbours drive for a VE party, bunting, tables, a bar, music etc. 7 hours of them all partying practically outside my window. I know it is pathetic but I cried, I am so isolated because I can't go out if it isn't very essential as trying to protect DH, my kids all live over 100 miles away so can't see them, normall one of them is here every month and we visit them but I have't seen them since February.

I know it is ridiculous to be upset but I am still upset. I don't know what I will do when I see any of them, I really feel like I don't want to speak to them again, certainly don't want to help any again e.g. I was a HR manager when I worked fulltime and one neighbour have a lovely daughter but due to some learning difficulties she has no qualifications, I got her a job, had some kick back at work about it as she took longer to train than normal but I knew she would be a good reliable member of staff and she is. You might think they would have some good feelings towards me.

In normal times it wouldn't even have registered with me what they are doing, I wouldn't have got upset, I certainly wouldn't have cried but it isn't normal times and it is so easy to hurt people. I had to smile at the Queen's "the streets are full of love" obviously the cul de sacs aren't.

Your kids love you that's the important bit. I hope you feel better today.

Sorry that was a saga.

@nolovelost

Its not that you have got upset- That is understandable.
Its the fact that you initially asked the question, had them explain why, told them why they were wrong to feel this way and now made them feel like they have to pussy foot around you.
Screaming you feel suicidal that they feel this way is also quite a controlling action to take as well

@Beeep I didn't realise we could only post what the op wanted to hear.

It's not unpleasant it's my opinion.

I wasn't asking them who they prefered, that's not the case.
Of course you where why ask otherwise.

I didn't tell them they were wrong to feel that way. And they didn't know I was suicidal.

To those of you slating me. It's very unrealistic to say that you're a 100% going to react perfectly to every single situation. Can you say 100% you do this? Sometimes if you've got a lot of other stuff on it's very difficult not to get upset. I've already admitted (a few times) that I reacted wrong but people are still coming back telling me I'm manipulative, controlling etc and that's just horrible.

nolovelost take no notice, life is tough at the moment, some people just get a kick out of putting other people down. Don't let them upset you.