Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

Nrtft, but over the years I've had some very upsetting times with my children (fully fledged adults now). I've been through the whole gamet of emotions, and even went NC for a year. We probably try a bit too hard sometimes, have too high expectations of ourselves. Feel failures if things aren't perfect. While I was tying myself up in knots, my ex, partner and children were all chilled! It's a steep learning curve, especially if our own parents aren't much help. I found it all so easy when mine were young and was in for a big shock! However, it all worked out ok eventually, so don't despair!

Thre things that struck me:
They feel secure enough in their relationship with you (as a parent) to tell you they feel closer to their Dad - that's a good thing.
Relationships change and evolve all the time - how they feel now is not how they will feel forever, especially as they mature. But their feelings are independent of yours.
You should parent them the way you feel is right, not the way that you hope will make them feel 'closer' to you, whatever that means. You are helping them grow into adults who will leave you in time.

rayoflightboy. I get that it’s your opinion but I think it’s a shit move to post it In such a blunt and unfeeling way especially when the OP said she had felt suicidal over this. I don’t understand what the point of your post was? Did you post to put the boot in or did you think you were ‘helping’ the OP by being blunt.

No one, including the OP, thinks what she did was ok.

You set yourself up for a fall and some hurt asking that question, and were then even more unfair to overreact to their responses. But you realise that now and you’ve understood that you need to apologise a little to them.

Teenagers swing back and forward and can be quite hurtful. It must be even harder during lockdown! You’ve got to have a tough skin and ride it out. Over reacting will just push them further towards him. Keep being their mum. Keep plodding on.

At the moment you are doing the "parenting" while he gets to be the fun one with no boundaries...I can almost guarantee their answers will be different in their 20s onwards!

I suspect you have some of your exs nasty words still ringing in your ears, and this is why it's stung so much.

If you would like to build your interpersonal relationship with them maybe try taking an interest in the hobbies/TV programmes they're into.

I was, and am, closer to my dad than I have ever been my mother. I know this pains her as she hates my father with a passion, but her attempts to manipulate and emotionally blackmail me backfired on her as it all it managed to do was push me away from her. Imo the relationship between parents is separate to the relationship between parent and child, and children should never feel like they’ve been weaponized or that they ‘should’ prefer one parent over the other.

Yes, they may change their minds in future, but equally there’s every chance they won’t. I think pp are wrong trying to make excuses as to why they feel that way, or saying that it will change because naturally they should be closer to their mother. These children are not bad or wrong if this is how they feel. They’re individuals that have a right to their own relationship with their father.

@1Wildheartsease

Perfectly put- very wise.

And also @Cheeseandwin5 I didn't have them explain to me, you've not read my posts correctly, or you've read it and twisted it.

My youngest was doing all the talking after she said it (which was out of the blue really, considering I'd just said I'd love for us to have something that we all like doing, what shall we do). She even said sorry because she thought she'd said it in slightly the wrong way. I said that she didn't need to be sorry.

So no I didn't HAVE them explain. I've just looked back at my comment, and you've made an assumption there. Don't twist it.

We're spending some quality time together this afternoon, something that I've been trying to do. I'm not a perfect parent and I don't pretend that I am. But I'm not what some of you are thinking.

@EngagedAgain that rings some bells. But glad it was just a phase and that you could see things better.

Struggling to thank everyone personally but I'm thankful for all the constructive critism, advice and kind words.

My dd said some v harsh things to me in her teens. Now she's in her 20s I'm back being her hero again. I think often children push back at the parent they trust the most. Almost like testing unconditional love.
Try not to take it personally (I know very hard). Things will get better I'm sure

OP, you looking for something you all love to do together shows what a good parent you are. I was given that exact advice - as DC enter teens, find something - anything that glues you together. We found a handful of things we all enjoy and take turns doing them. It's helped us stay close, so the fact you are looking will be appreciated by them in the end.

Thanks @Weirdomagnet.
(I'm trying not to be attracted to you :) )

Keep going @nolovelost - as I said, the evidence suggests that you are doing well. It is hard not to be vulnerable to (what feels like) criticism from your children.

Hi OP, I know this has moved on slightly now and you've already accepted where you've gone wrong but thought I'd give you my two cents from my own experience...

If you asked me who I was closest to now as an adult I'd really struggle to answer as I can appreciate, with my adult brain, the differences in my relationship with both. If I was a child, I'd have probably said my mum.

I was in sort of the reversed situation that you are in when I was growing up. I lived with my dad like your girls live with you and my dad has always been very much 'the parent' whereas my mum was the fun one I went to 'visit'.

To me at the time, I didn't think making sure my school work was done, getting me to and from school on time, making me nice meals, taking me to the GP, buying me clothes, keeping a roof over my head as a single dad, getting me to be independent with my own chores etc... Wasn't 'cool'.

I could go to my mum's and she'd not expect anything of me because I was barely there for much time so I'd get to slob about, it'd all be about me for a couple of days, she'd make sure we were always going something fun whilst I was there. In reality that's because it's easy to do that when it's EOW, my dad had the difficult shit in between. My dad was the parent, he had to do the boring, naggy, uncool, expensive bits of parenting that kids just don't appreciate.

And when I got old enough to think and realise this, I did go through a stage of being furious at my mum, the one who I'd probably have said I was closer to whilst I was growing up, I'd realise had actually walked away and abandoned me and all the shit that comes with parenting. However, we've managed to have some really open and honest chats about it and I've moved past it now. My mum isn't bad, she struggled and she couldn't handle it at the time and I know she feels guilty for not really being there as much. We have a good relationship now.

So yes I'm close to both now independently and in different ways, I have a very friend like relationship with my mum and a very parent like relationship with my Dad. However, it is always in the back of my mind now as an adult that my dad was there. He raised me, he worked hard to keep our roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly, he made sure I am the woman I am today in all the little ways I never appreciated and that's a special thing, he'll always have a really special place in my heart for all of the sacrifices he made, all the things he did for me that my mum didn't and that I never really saw until I grew up.