Feel so low after my children opened up.

[nolovelost]

Long story, but I've always felt close to my daughters. But in the space of two weeks they've both said independently that they feel closer to their dad (we're separated), that they have more in common.

They are typical teenagers and all they've wanted to do during lockdown is chill in their bedrooms, and I've tried to be understanding but at the same time tried to encourage half an hour to an hour a day of family chats etc and an activity I think they'll like. Turns out they don't really enjoy the things I choose! But they seem happy that we've made the effort to communicate a bit.

At their dad's, they love watching the same programmes together for hours, which is fine but they don't really do much else. They're happy. They've been sleeping until mid afternoon and don't have their eve meal until 10 pm. They know that doesn't work here as I'm up early for work so I'm not cooking late at night etc, which they understand and I encourage them to get up earlier here.

They say that they love me the same as their dad etc and my youngest said that she couldn't wish for a better mum etc, but what they've said about being closer to him has hit me with the heaviest brick ever. I never expected my kids to say it.

Now I'm questioning where the hell I've gone wrong as a mum, and taken it so personally, I'm so low.

For years myself and their dad have got on well since separation, (when more got on for the sake of the kids as he's done and said some bad things) but things have happened more recently that have made me cut him out of my life (it's easier to do as the kids are older). He's a narc, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all.

My girls think that I am over reacting getting upset about it.

Some honest opinions please but no flaming as I'm feeling very delicate.

Thank you.

I think your being quite manipulative actually.

It was really unfair to ask that question, its not a competition and its a horrible question to have to answer.

You are putting a lot of pressure on them to spend time with you. Your putting a lot of your happiness on them and being vert needy, just ask them what they want to do. Maybe they dont want to spend time with you and thats okay, you are their mother not their friend.

Then you are getting upset in front of them, they are having to placate you. Saying you feel suicidal because of it. Its really manipulative behaviour.

They told you they love you, it really doesnt matter who they are closer to. Im not going to placate you and say its because you are the better parent. You need to get over it, they are allowed to feel closer to their dad

@Tsubasa1 yup!!! So much odd and emotionally manipulative stuff was said in my childhood. My mother has anxiety and used to use me a lot to help it, everything was about her. We’re very close now though. She knows she has anxiety but refuses to do anything to help it.

Oh and I meant to say I had a lot of counselling to unpick everything that was said to me and how it affected me. I’ve finally manage to learn that I am a separate real person in myself.

Could people please be a bit kinder, given the OP has said she was suicidal last night? Some of you seem to enjoy putting the boot into a vulnerable woman.

'He's, always right, has no empathy and thinks he knows it all'

Were we married to the same man?

I worry about my boys preferring their Dad as they get older. I know it will hurt if they do. I know their Dad would screw them over to benefit himself, he already has. But hopefully they will never learn this. So I understand how you feel. It feels painful and deeply unfair.

I do echo what everyone else says though. They just mean that they their Dad lets them do what they like. That's okay for short visits, but its not exactly a successful parenting strategy. if you kids have kids of their own, they will understand that and appreciate what they did for you. in I was close to my Dad but not my Mum when I grow up, my Dad played with us. My mum did the housework. I can see now what that must have been like for my Mum. I wish I could tell her now that I appreciate what she did for us, all that unseen, unvalued labour for us.

Don't stress and don't pressure them to prop you up. They sound like really nice girls tbh, you must have done a good job.

God, apologies for my appallingly written post. I meant 'if they have kids or their own, they will understand and appreciate what you did for them.'

Theres only 2 answers to your question who do you feel closer to?

The fact that you say its knocked you for 6 means you thought it was you. Which means by asking the question you were basically just asking your dc to stroke your own ego.

If you feel suicidal call your GP tomorrow. However its not because your daughters told you you were closer to their dad. Dont put that on them. Your mental helth shouldnt be dependent on whether your dc like you better than their dad.

Im questioning who is the narc tbh

I've read every single comment and taking it all in, thank you! I really didn't expect all the replies and nice comments. Even the tough ones I'm taking on board. I do agree with the ones saying that I shouldn't be questioning them. Just never in a million years expected the situation to arise, obviously never had teenagers before, but should've expected it at some point. I was horrendous to my mum and felt closer to my dad (divorced) but I think for similar reasons you're all suggesting. My mum was the one with boundaries and I used to visit my dad who didn't have to do all that. But I think I lost respect for her because she would challenge me all the time and I dont want that to happen with mine. Which is why I think I need to apologise for being unfair & for asking them to compare and tell them I'm not going to have an issue with it again. What do you think?

Being able to chat on here and get perspectives is hugely helping me. I woke up feeling much better this morning anyway and I didn't feel suicidal. I'm going to forget about this and see how I feel in a few days, if no better will definitely speak to my GP. It's strange because yeah I feel that I don't deal with things very well at home sometimes, but when I'm at work or out and about I'm very happy. So surely it can't be depression?

Yes I leave my two at home when I work but don't do any longer than 4 hours.

Their idea of good TV is absolute crap to me!

You're all making me realise that the fact that I'm sensible and put boundaries in place etc does benefit them and they probably do appreciate me being the opposite to their dad in some ways. They are aware that I get things done and that I take things seriously. Where as he has to make a joke of everything and everyone. In my opinion he's very disrespectful but they seem to find him funny.

He does act like a teenager and is very childish.

Thank you all again X

I think as a single parent you often lack validation for how well you're doing, especially if your ex is a narc or has abusive tendencies. It certainly took me a long time to realise that my ex wasn't interested in co-parenting. It's incredibly lonely and can be quite soul destroying and I got very low trying to manage three children who have each had their own challenges. It stirred up lots of unresolved issues from my parents divorce too. Lots and lots of therapy later, I can now separate myself from their behaviour, at least some of the time!

But it's hard when they favour the parent who's done very little and left you to hold it all together and I don't think it's unreasonable to feel resentful and angry as well as a little rejected and unappreciated. However, it's your problem not theirs. Your children cannot and should not be providing you with validation.

I am still trying to unpack beliefs about being good and being rewarded which is, I think, ultimately what lies at the bottom of these feelings - you've done the right thing, been a good girl and they prefer him and that's not fair. But that's very small child thinking, goes back to when we were 'rewarded' or 'punished' as children and needs unpacking. You parent the way you do because it's the right thing to do, not for reward or approval from your children. If it's anything else, then look at where you're not approving of yourself and maybe work on that.

You’ve been very, very unfair to your children by bringing this up.

Talk about emotional manipulation!

It sounds like they see you as the parent and him as fun, tbh.

If you’re suicidal you need to see a doctor. It’s really unfair to put that on your children.

What you're doing is very damaging. You brought the topic up when you weren't ready to hear their answers. Seeking a competition between parents isn't healthy. You're probably replicating the dynamic that your ex created by being a narc, but you need to take a breath and step back from his values.
There are points where your DCs will enjoy your company more than his and vice versa. There are also parenting decisions that DCs won't appreciate until they're older.
Slipping into craving being their favourite, is unhealthy for you and them.
Have you had any counselling to deal with the aftermath of your relationship? Being in a relationship with a narc and co-parenting with one, needs a type of resilience.

Firstly, don't ask your DDs questions like this. It puts them in a difficult position and gave you an answer you didn't want to hear which has upset you enormously. Their answer might be different in a few weeks, months, years.... but don't ask! In any case, when they say 'closer' they may not be articulating it fully in the way you take it to mean. They love both you and their dad and the main difference is he's chilled out and that's easier for them. Maybe they share some interests with him and that's good.

Secondly, during lockdown we've all got a bit stir crazy and all bets are off. Let them be themselves and don't give them the emotional burden of making you feel like the better parent. You are anyway and love is a slippery, abstract emotion.

Apologies - but please don't label people 'narc'. I hope to god you have not said this in earshot of your children. Just because he lacks empathy and was horrible at times does not warrant throwing about these devastating labels. The term "narcissist" should not be the go-to phrase to describe someone who has hurt you or even someone who was bloody horrible. Sorry but it really pisses me off!

....and the okay comments:

They are misunderstanding 'close' with 'comfortable'. And that may only be for now. You have to play the long game, in terms of your relationship with them (not beating him). As a lot of people have said - keep your thoughts to yourself and be nothing but kindly about their father - they are literally half of him - if you criticise him you are actually criticising half of them, because they can never cut away that half of themselves - and the same for you. Whichever parent tries to 'win' against the other will always lose. Do you see that? Above all - relax. They love you. They may not 'like' you the best at the mo (normal) - but that will change - unless you fuck it up.

Personally I think you must have a good relationship for them to say this to you. If you had a bad relationship with them - they would lie to you - or stay silent and say what you wanted to hear. Think about it.

Kids love lounging around eating snacks and watching TV - maybe try it now and then - it's an easy win.

I'm sure my kids think the same because their dad is lazy and let's them sleep whenever, eat junk, hasn't picked up a school book or even checked they brush their teeth throughout lockdown etc. Don't take it personally. You are a proper loving parent who cares about their wellbeing and they will realise that

OP I totally understand you
Sorry this happened. It's the Disnet dad thing. They do what they like there and at your pkace there has to be a bit of structure. I get it a little myself and we are still all together.
It's hard. I don't know what to advise but sending a big unmumsnetty hug

Sorry typos!
Disney dad
Place

I don't think we really appreciate our parents properly until we are a lot older. They are just there - and that means fun dad with no boundaries vs proper parent.
At this moment in time they may genuinely feel that. But feelings are fluid and change as we mature and have a greater understanding of the world. We begin to appreciate that what is good for us is not necessarily the most fun and a hedonistic lifestyle isn't the most healthy.

I think I was about 26 before I really saw my parents as proper people and appreciated their sacrifices and things they'd done for me. Give it time and don't take it personally.

OK, those implying that I've told them I'm suidical - I never said that!

I'm certain these conversations would have been said or felt if we weren't in lockdown.

And the one saying that I shouldn't be calling him a narc - I really haven't told you the half of what he's like.

*wouldn't have

It is hard hard to try and see the full picture of their lives at yours and your ex' place from a mumsnet post but I understand your upset. You have every right to be. Just remember they're teenagers - their priorities will often be different to a fully grown adult. They're full of hormones and rebellion and can often be lazy. With that mindset, often the hands-off approach your ex is given them whilst not good parenting is something they will naturally prefer. It's like a kid will naturally prefer the parent who lets them stay up all night and eat sweets even though it isn't in the best interest of the child.

With time, they will likely see your ex' true colours when they realise they can't rely on him for the things that count in life. They could also be saying they prefer their dad's place to almost guilt you into letting them sleep in for longer, etc, not because they actually prefer their dad.

And of course I haven't said that in front of them. I never slag him off.
Some people are so goady on here,

They are teenagers and feel they have more in common with him. Says it all.

As a teenager I had a much better relationship with my dad. Now I'm grown up, my mum is pretty much my best friend and we speak daily. I've not spoken to my dad since the beginning of April and my parents are still married live in he same house!

How your children feel now is absolutely no reflection on how they'll feel later on. Please don't worry

@nolovelost, be easier on yourself. Seconding many on here. BE KIND to yourself and don't feel alone - you are not look at the responses. Also as @PerspicaciaTick says how great your girls can express themselves like this. The lockdown is making people say all sorts of things in harsher ways than normal. As a lone parent my dread was favouritism, but I have learnt ( also as the child of a brutal divorce) that we love both parents in different ways and at different times in different ways. Tell your girls it is totally fine to feel this way and how much you love them. And please remember these strange times cause as many odd feelings in our kids as it does in ours, just with a smaller range.... the difference between the two homes must feel big to them at the moment. Good luck.

There's every chance they'll form a similar opinion to yours on him once they've grown up and are interacting with him as adults.

I wouldn't pull back and let them rely on him more. It's not fair. They can't see what you see.