Porn

[Helpthisgirl]

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

he used to pay for photos and go on sex worker sites but this has stopped since op found out and he now just uses porn

Oh well that's ok then. It's not like someone who'd do that while married with kids has any issues.

And I wonder whether he'll creep back into it.

You also missed out him being on dating sites.

Quite a few posters seem to have ignored that and I have no idea why .. if you're not single and have a partner; ask yourself how you'd feel if you caught them on dating sites and what conclusions you'd draw.

Several posters have focused on op's issue with her DH masturbating - which I agree is unreasonable.

They've focused on her issue with him using porn to masturbate - which I agree is unrealistic.

But for reasons inexplicable to me, they've totally disregarded other significant issues.

I would not bother asking him anymore about it, if he is doing it he will just lie and if he isnt then you will probably not believe him anyway.
From experience, I would register on dating and swinging (gay and straight) sites without him knowing and see if he is on there...if he is, leave.

Maybe she should set up a fake profile on adultwork too, to check if he goes back on there.

But who has the time with three kids and a soon to arrive newborn.

I could see that you have a great family relationship and you love each other a lot - and that's a very special thing. Hold on to that and treasure it. What you have is real, and just remember always to talk to each other as openly and honestly as you have now - that's how you have both got through this and how you are even closer than before. That's a proper partnership and I think you should be proud of yourself! And no, it's not easy - but it's worth it. I'm really glad you've got each other

Oh dear god

@GilbertMarkham
I had 2 kids and a full time job and btw being pregnant doesnt make you useless.
No more effort that posting/reading mumsnet.

he used to pay for photos and go on sex worker sites but this has stopped since op found out and he now just uses porn

Well that’s fine and dandy then isn’t it?

Because a man who can do that, spend £280+ a month on a sex work site whilst his wife is borrowing money from her family to feed their bloody kids is a stand up guy, he’s definitely going to stop doing it when caught and never do it again just hiding it better this time.

It’s fine if he sits and wanks to porn in the living room the very second the OP walks out the door to shop for the family and whilst he’s meant to be looking after the children. No indication that there’s anything unhealthy going on there.

Great that he has the OP feeling the need to have sex every day and never refuse him for fear he’ll go back to old ways, lovely that he tells her he does it because she’s fat and ugly and just peachy that between him and the apologists on this thread the OP has ended up apologising TO HIM.

Fucking hell what a shitstorm.

OP you’re clearly going to keep believing this is all fine. The problem is that you’ve lumped ALL types of masturbating and associated behaviour as ‘bad and wrong’ and as somehow a reflection on your attractiveness to him and on your relationship. So loads of posters have piled on to call you terrible and controlling because saying a partner can’t and musn’t masturbate ever IS controlling and wrong, and the fact that people masturbate generally doesn’t have any reflection on their feelings for their partner or their ability to have a healthy sexual relationship together.

Porn use is a different kettle of fish. He’s entitled to use it if he wants, you’re entitled to be ok with that or not. If you’re not that’s fine. You are even entitled to ask him not to use it. At that point he needs to either agree and then actually not use it, or tell you sorry but no he’s not prepared to give it up. Then you get to decide if you want to stay with him knowing he will continue to use porn. He’s not entitled to lie about it and tell you he’s not using it when he is, he’s not entitled to say it’s because you’re fat and ugly, and it is very wrong and deeply disturbing that he’d choose to do it in a communal area whilst he’s supposed to be watching the kids. That’s very very wrong.

What absolutely should have been a dealbreaker was spending money on sex workers he was contacting privately through adult work. I also find it hard to believe that all that money went on ‘just pictures’ when they’re available free anyway, but the fact that he did that whilst you were having to borrow from family to support you SIL is absolutely disgusting. And if he WAS on dating sites that’s even worse. What has he actually done to apologise and rebuild trust since then? I find it really hard to believe that someone capable of doing that is ever going to just magically turn back into a good and respectful partner.

I had 2 kids and a full time job and btw being pregnant doesnt make you useless.
No more effort that posting/reading mumsnet.

I think my point has been missed - it was " "who has time for that" as in the colloquial saying " who has time for that". The fact that op might have do that at all, let alone while trying to be a mum to three kids and a newborn .. says to me that things are somewhat fked up and I'd be a bit pessimistic about the future.

@TheNortherner

I've just reread my post in relation to yours and realised that may easily have come across as sarcastic. It wasn't.
I thought it was a good idea and that op should add adultwork that (though it would take more work to set they up) ... I wax just saying how fked up that op should have to do it ... At all, let alone while trying to look after 3 kids and a baby.

He's the one who's out her in that position.

.. and the apologists on this thread the OP has ended up apologising TO HIM.

That left me open mouthed and angry too.

It's like that poster and the other similar ones read half ops posts, only heard "I don't like my op masturbating (and using porn) and I monitor him and get on at him"

.... And somehow completely missed ",I've caught him on dating sites, I've caught him in adultwork, he spends money on adultwork (when we are tight fit money) etc".

When it comes to the absolutely disgusting, disturbing thing he said when challenged, it's just " oh he lashed out in anger, you were just pushing him too much" .... I could be wrong but imagining a man saying that to his partner gives me the impression of three things; he wants to hurt her and is happy to go fkg low to do it, or he means it/thinks it and it came out, or he is really truly fkg nasty in arguments - none of them make for a good partner.

I also find it hard to believe that all that money went on ‘just pictures’ when they’re available free anyway

I think it's possible it was just pictures but that he wouldn't have paid for them without communication/Interac to some extent and being hooked into buying them.

It is of course possible that it was for more and he minimised because op knew he'd paid for something and he had to give a (minimal/damage limitation) explanation.

He's spoken to you articulately about the porn then.

What did he have to say about the following, to his loving wife?

• a history of lying, covering up then lying some more

• being on dating sites

• using adultwork, which is used to book sex workers in addition to cams and paid for photos - best case scenario because nobody uses it "just" for that unless they have an obsession with a participant women on there - the lure is that you can book sex workers

• calling you fat and ugly when you were upset

Because in my book those things are inexcusable and you don't do them when you love someone.

This was never 'just' porn, he has repeatedly pushed your boundaries and shown a disrespect for women.

Including you, most notably perhaps when he called you fat and ugly.

Just had a argument about it, he lost it and said he does it because I’m fat and ugly, and I think he means it

I don't know how you can want to be with someone who speaks to you like that.

He’s wouldn’t use his own name and wouldn’t use his own picture so there not point in trying to set up a fake account, I called him worse then fat and ugly,

I called him worse then fat and ugly

So you ridiculed his appearance and said things you didn't think were true, to purposefully hurt his feelings and make him feel shit?

Or you called him a selfish cunt? Because while that's arguable a bad thing to say - his behaviour would explain you calling him that and he would IMO deserve it based on what you've told us.

Do you think you deserved to be called fat and ugly? If he thinks it then he doesn't love you. If he doesn't think it and said it to hurt you he's a bully who doesn't love you.

He sounds horrible.

He was also on dating sites and adultwork, you said? Did he think that was acceptable then? Was that your fault too for being the things he called you?

You have apologised to a man who called you, the mother of his children, fat and ugly and said he has to watch porn and go on adultwork etc because of that. He's horrible.

Why does he pay for porn when you can get it for free? Agree with others that you can’t be that controlling to break up with him over that. But is a bit weird that he pays for it.. tell him to save his money and watch it with him instead.

Just read the rest of the thread.. that escalated quickly. Ignore my previous post

You will be back on here OP, someone who has gone as far as escort sites and dating sites may well love you to bits but just can’t resist the sleaze and secrecy. I feel sorry for you, you clearly are young , nice and love this guy and he really doesn’t deserve you

I would have a problem with the porn too op. Yanbu.

Most people wank.

But most women on porn sites (especially ones advertising escorts) are trafficked & not doing it for fun.
It would feel pretty grim to me.

I'm sorry there are people on here trying to make out like you have the issue!

I called him worse then fat and ugly

Was this in response to what he called you or before it?

What did you call him/say to him?

Tbh I find it hard to imagine worse because those are about fundamental physical things that are difficult to change or cannot be changed; not about behaviour which is a choice and can be.

Incidentally 12/14 is not fat, a d I doubt you're ugly.

It's also despicable that he said things like that while you're pregnant, when women are often self-conscious about weight gain, bloating etc and apprehensive about weight and other things after birth.

I havent read all the comments but I have been in a similar situation. My ex husband used to use adult works and spend so much money behind my back on this. I still dont understand what this was all about because he just laughed it off.
He used to lie a lot. Our sex life was rubbish in the end cos he used to watch porn and wank all the time.

@Helpthisgirl
You would.be suprised at how blatant people can be when they think you have no clue. Filter down what his attributes are or what you think he would be looking for.
What gave it away for me was where the photos were taken, looking at the background or what they are wearing, the username they pick (i rexkon people generally use the same or similar on the sites), spelling/grammatical errors, what their interests are (if it's a legit dating site) i would try the fabs and pof as they are free. If nothing jumps out at you then maybe you can have some faith in him.

I have sent all night looking and I found nothing, plus he can’t be paying for anything as I look at his bank account, maybe he did fuck up n was using the sites but as stopped
We have great sex and regular so surly if he had s problem with porn/wanking he would always need porn and he wouldn’t want regular sex with me

Btw I didn’t find adult work he told me about it, when I found the porn on his phone I asked if there was anymore he said yeh adult work and showed me his account and how much he was spending I know that has stopped

Btw I didn’t find adult work he told me about it, when I found the porn on his phone I asked if there was anymore he said yeh adult work and showed me his account and how much he was spending I know that has stopped

Yes well I'm sure at some point you would have said you "know" he wouldn't go back on his word / pay for adultwork / go on dating sites / call you fat and ugly.

History has proven over and over again that your judgment of him is poor and his honesty is poor.

Sorry, you posted saying there was a huge issue and that it was affecting your self esteem and he called you hateful names.

Everyone has defended you by saying please don't let him affect your self esteem - realise you're worth more and that he is a liar, wake up to the fact he will have lied about more than you know and consider leaving.

So now you're saying he's not doing those things anymore, you trust him and you have apologised to him so now it's all good.

People saying he's been a prick and you shouldn't trust him are on your side. They want you to be happy and feel good about yourself. He doesn't make you feel that way.

Yet you're defending him while we defend you. That doesn't sound right does it?

surly if he had s problem with porn/wanking he would always need porn and he wouldn’t want regular sex with me

A couple of dodgy exes of mine were obsessed with sex in general, it didn't matter what kind of sexual activity of any kind. It's to an extent an addiction with some people.

So, some can frantically wank to porn throughout the day and still want sex with their partner whenever they can get it.

They could also be propositioning friends, anything, meeting strangers of either sex (they aren't bi as such they just want sex and men are easier to get it from) any possible way they can try and get any kind of sex with anyone, and the more bizarre the porn the better.

It's a spectrum of obsession with sex (or it could be called a high libido but I think it goes beyond that with some people into a psychological obsession, crutch, whatever.)

Btw I didn’t find adult work he told me about it, when I found the porn on his phone I asked if there was anymore he said yeh adult work and showed me his account and how much he was spending I know that has stopped

He might well have still not told you the half of it.