Porn

[Helpthisgirl]

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

^^ did you miss the big where she’s perfectly happy to have sex with him while the kids are awake and could walk in on it? Is that a safeguarding issue? Should she be reporting herself also?

Op said door was locked.

Not sure if her op is always locking door. Plus his wanking sounds more often and for longer than the sex sessions (or session if it was a one off or v occasional).

Watching him constantly, trying to catch him out, never letting him out of your sight, wanting details on when and how he masturbates, is all very behavior.

Of course! It's @sammylady37 😂😂😂

OP, actually he has tried to be very open and honest with you.

What he does, what any of us do, when alone with our own bodies is really our own business. But that doesn't mean we don't love and want our partners. 💕

You asked a few questions. Here are sensible answers:

1. Does watching porn or anything he's done exploring online sex mean he doesn't love you?

No, not at all.
He is attentive to you. He sends you loving messages. He tells you he loves you. He's emotionally accessible and open to you. You have daily physical contact, affection and sex.

He's ashamed/worried about telling you about his sex drive and the porn because he knows you hate it. But he also feels it's his right to touch his own dick on his own if he wants. Which, to be honest, it really is.

1. Does him lying about it mean he's bad?

No, it means he's reluctant to tell you because you don't like it. So the natural response is to hide it.

1. Does him pleasuring himself without you there mean he doesn't fancy you?

Absolutely not. Not from what you've said. He loves and fancies you. But he just likes a lot of sex, and if he didn't have access to porn, he'd still do it.

1. Should you leave him because he has sex on his own and uses porn sometimes?

In my opinion, absolutely not. It sounds like you love each other a lot. Instead I think you should understand and get in perspective his behaviour with himself.

1. Is he spending loads on porn?

I'm not sure - it was hard to get a clear picture. If he is, this is what should stop.

Conclusions:

You love each other a lot.
You have a great sex life and a lot of physical affection.
He's a normal (probably quite young?) guy who has a high sex drive.
Him having sex with himself and sometimes using online sex with it does NOT mean he doesn't want or love you.

He has quite low self esteem. But tries to boost it and work in himself with physical challenges and working with his body.

He has a strong, dynamic relationship with his OWN body. This is ok. It really is. Don't be threatened by it. Feel good for him. Enjoy it too. Enjoy him. It sounds like he really is yours.

Honestly, I'd say relax, do NOT check his phone for anything, leave him to it. He doesn't do it in front of you or (God forbid) the kids (that wasn't clear at first but you explained later).

This is something he keeps private. If you stop checking and forget about it, that's the end of it. It doesn't impact you.

You have children and love and sex with him. So many relationships are nowhere near as satisfying and warm as yours. I actually think you've got it great!!! I would swap with you right now! I would just let him get on with whatever he wants on his own - it doesn't affect how he is with you - he clearly loves you very much.

I know that in the argument he said something awful to you. But remember he was under attack from you and felt also humiliated. He apologised and said he didn't mean it. We can all say bad things in an argument. I totally hate and don't accept verbal abuse, but I don't think that's what happened here. He's not like that all the time, is he? If he was, I'd be advising you completely differently.

You don't feel the need to do anything with yourself when you're alone. So that makes it really hard for you to understand why he does. But honestly, it's totally normal and not a threat to you. Don't worry. Please. 💖

I've just left my husband of 10 years because of something quite similar.

Although, our sex life was none existant & he said that i repulsed him when I kissed him.... Time to move on.

@ponchek. Thank you so much honestly you made me cry, I have read that over and over again, we are a young couple to have 3 kids a house and everything that comes with it,
I feel like his don’t love me or he prefers The woman on porn, he’s told me over and over he don’t think like that, he’s also said he don’t look at porn the way I do to him it’s just a act he’s like,
He also said He can see I try to hard to try it on with him if he’s been alone, I feel like if I offer it to him every day or what ever he won’t need to wank so some time I would tried to pretend I was in to it ( bad I know ) he said he hates it and he don’t want me to be like that,
He said he wants life to go back to normal like before I found all the porn and stuff,
He said a wank to him is like a sandwich 🤷‍♀️
He said sex is like steak And chips 🤷‍♀️
He said some times he just need a quick relief ( sandwich) something you have when you haven’t got a lot of time to make steak
That’s what he said he isn’t good at communicating he find it’s hard to explain his self.... I will back of and see,
I said I wouldn’t but last night we had the best sex ever, he was so caring he’s really great in bed, but then I think he’s thinking of porn or seen it of porn 🤷‍♀️

OP he has been very good at communicating to you there..listen to him and give it a proper chance it sounds like you two can make this work

Yes we could if I can get the porn out my head and just trust him lol

I know I would miss the family unit we do a lot of days out family movie night ect

Him having is own relationship with his body is one thing and I agree there’s no issue with that . Masturbation is not wrong but that and porn are two completely different things and I think it’s important we remember that and allow people who feel that way to voice their opinion .We are all entitled to a relationship with our own body but this is totally different to having some unquestioned right to participate in an industry that exploits women and girls and makes his partner feel like crap . There’s aspects of pornography that are often swept under the carpet and ignored but I think make at least some women uncomfortable
One thing that’s always baffled me about the whole porn issue is how users KNOW that the ‘women ‘ they are using are actually ‘women’ given that the porn industry has a well documented history of exploiting teenagers. One only has to look watch a few documentaries on the industry , take a quick look at the mainstream big websites that provide porn or even go more into depth and study the issue to see the way youth is portrayed and the whole barely legal thing is promoted Sure many men ( and no doubt some women) justify this by saying it just the image of youth and that these are consenting women acting or dressed younger but the data showed that many younger girls are led into this industry and exploited . Researchers such as professor Gail dines has some interesting statistics on the trafficking abd coercion of women and girls in porn.As a mother of daughters I always wonder how those who view or support their partners use of porn know how they know KNOW without DOUBT that their partners are viewing legal aged women and how their partners even know and even how they are comfortable with the fathers of their children supporting websites that’s promote barely legal and teenage girls in pigtails and school uniforms as sexual objects . Its just one of the mainly issues I have with these sites and the way they promote sexual predatory behaviour.
All of this isn’t even beginning on the data about how porn viewing impacts relationships , causes men ( but strangely not women ) to see their partners as less attractive . Please don’t believe me - look it up ! This information is out their and available to this who care to look .
The bottom line is that if a woman is comfortable with her partner using porn that’s between her and her partner but for those who are not they are not wrong - there are plenty of reason for women to be concerned about this industry’s and being with men who are comfortable using it .

OP I wanted to add that I’m not suggesting your partner was using anything illegal just that it’s impossible for porn users to know the integrity of the material providers and that it’s legitimate to be concerned or feel uncomfortable with ones partner using Porn , whether it be for issues around d the ethics of porn or your own feelings . As you mentioned it makes you feel like he wants them more . There IS research showing that many ( note I say many womeN Not all ) who’s partners use pornography experience a negative effect t on their self esteem . As I mentioned before this research is easily accessed . Just like the stats show it’s often men who experience less attraction. To their partners after viewing pirn but not womeN , from what I read this is because of the different ways in which men and women are portrayed in the majority of porn. With the focus predominately being on the attractiveness of the female body .
More frequently it couples the average / older men ( often no face shown or socks on lol) with younger and attractive women etc . Sure , one can find a wide range of female bodies if one looks but they’re often considered fetish.
Perhaps these are some of the issues that contribute to your feelings ? I’m not sure . Is it possible me to unpack some of your personal dislikes and discuss them with your partner . I know that for me it was an issue in the past when I felt my partner only valued the physical al or valued that more highly that any other female attribute . Sometimes it’s nice to find out what qualities a man values and respects that are not physical and maybe this will help you two connect a little and bridge the divide.

I haven't read the whole thread but when me and OH started going out and I found porn on his phone I was gutted and probably gave him shit for it, he said he wouldn't do it again. Anyway years later he is still doing it and tbh I don't care now, I think I had self esteem issues when it upset me. As long as it's the 'mainstream' stuff and nothing illegal it's fine and it seems it's just something men do (rightly or wrongly)
However adult work I have had dealings with and that was a new level, it changes from women on a screen who he knows nothing about to a potential prostitution hook up and in the local area, that is a problem. As for spending money on chat rooms etc that would piss me off definitely.

@Raaaa I don’t think he would ever meet a woman behind my back, chat rooms and adult work is a no go for me if I ever see them on his phone he will be gone, I have access to his bank account So I know he’s not spending Money on it or paying for sex x

Helpthisgirl I hope I helped!! ☺️🙂

I think he's really tried to explain himself and I think you need to give him credit for that. I remember how I felt the first time I realised that my guy has also basically helped himself while I wasn't there. When I think back I think I was silly to be upset, but at the time I felt so left out and yes, worried and wondering what he was thinking about. But over time I relaxed and realised it was just him being himself and being male. Nothing to worry about. He still loved me and wanted me.like your man says, that was like a quick sandwich from Subway for him, and I was a special dinner with candles and champagne 😉

It's good he is being open, really. And I think just take him at his word and do your best to forget about it.

And I'm pretty certain that millions of other husbands and partners do exactly the same. If their wife has forbidden it or hates it, they just do the best job they can of hiding it. But they still do it. So you're not alone, and nor is he!

I think it's ok, really. You've got your family and your life and you're happy together. Some things are too bad to forget or ignore, but honestly I think what he does is just normal and best to forget about it. Xx

@ponchek it really did help, after reading it I gave him a cuddle and promised I would stop policing him, I don’t want to lose our relationship and family over this, we are great together I love him so much, this is the only part I don’t like.
He’s not abusive He’s a good dad he Financial supports us. he would share everything he had with me, I know he would support his family,
My family out family, I can’t walk away and spilt everything up xx

I'm so glad 😊 Yes as I listened to all you said and read between the lines, I could see that you have a great family relationship and you love each other a lot - and that's a very special thing. Hold on to that and treasure it. What you have is real, and just remember always to talk to each other as openly and honestly as you have now - that's how you have both got through this and how you are even closer than before. That's a proper partnership and I think you should be proud of yourself! And no, it's not easy - but it's worth it. I'm really glad you've got each other 🙂

@ponchek I believe every relationship has its problems, I’m not ready to walk away from mine over porn.... if it’s only porn
He’s been no stop the last 4 days re doing our bathroom, a few days before that he redone our bedroom, I love him xx

He’s not abusive

he lost it and said he does it because I’m fat and ugly

He’s been no stop the last 4 days re doing our bathroom, a few days before that he redone our bedroom, I love him

Good luck OP. You'll need it.

Ponchek covered everything just beautifully;

Except for being on dating and escort sites!!!!!

Wtf?!

Then there is, as another poster pointed out, saying he uses porn because op is "fat and ugly"

Holy fucking fuckety fuck.

Leave him on the simple basis he is dumb enough to pay for porn.

Dating sites?

I use porn (quite a lot tbh!) and I'm not on dating sites - cause I'm not single.

I'm also not on escort/cam sex/prostitution sites - cause I'm not single.

I don't buy from web sites/directly from male escorts/porn actors etc. because that is a ridiculous use of money ..and because it's too personal. Next step cam sex.

I have never called my dp "fat and ugly" because our relationship would end if I did (sooner or later). Something like that is severe and un take backable and you'd never let those words pass your lips if you weren't a c*nt who guesses your oh won't leave you no matter what.

Op I'm really sorry to say I think you'll be back on here.

Because if he's buying browsing and images off adultwork and browsing dating sites when he knew you had a zero tolerance attitude towards porn, I dread to think what he's going to be doing sooner or later when you're accepting and apologising for challenging him about his behaviour and being loving (having been told he does it because you're fat and ugly).

Sorry browsing and buying images

I honestly don't know what you'd ever buy an image of a sex worker unless you were in.communication with her and she persuaded/encouraged you to do so as part of her spiel.

There are literally about ten million images of porn actresses etc free online - every type, every age, every colouring every size every position, every sex act, need I go on.

(why not what)

he used to pay for photos and go on sex worker sites but this has stopped since op found out and he now just uses porn