Porn

[Helpthisgirl]

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

Can't see anyone else picked up on this. If he's 'frustrated' and wants intimacy more but you've offered it, then the porn is covering an emerging relationship problem.

I saw that he called you names, which seems to be anger (secondary emotion) from a sense of guilt and embarrassment (primary) but this needs nipping in the bud. He has low self esteem and porn can also a fantasy for men's own self worth and escapism. I think your man needs to find another way to get his self worth, perhaps a sport, as like everything - a little porn is OK, a lot is mind altering.

I think your approach needs to be to tell him to do it away from the kids, but also to spice up your relationship (date night etc) as reality is greater than any fantasy - though set your boundaries...
Porn uses 2 senses, intimacy can be all senses...

If he was on dating sites as well I doubt he is going to change. I have been through v similar which is why I understand a porn habit like that is not ok. I divorced him and I'm so content, but I wasn't pregnant and don't have as many children as you, have always worked and am completely financially independent, always have been which makes divorcing a lot easier. However, I would not want to be married to a man like your boyfriend as you can't put a price on happiness and contentment. Some of his behaviours actually are abusive in an intimate relationship: lying, minimising, making false promises, intending to cheat and buying women. It's not a healthy attitude to sex, women or family life

You know just because you agree with porn doesn’t mean everyone in the world has too? Honesty some of these comments . It’s a deal breaker for me too and paying for things his bags would be on the doorstep

He said sex is different and it don’t matter how many times we have it he would still want to wank

@quarantinevibes and similarly just because you disagree with it doesn't mean everyone in the world has to either. If it's a deal breaker for the OP then end the relationship but you cannot expect him to change. He's entitled to watch legal porn and masturbate if he so wishes, he is not obliged to tell her about every time he touches himself.

@yecats1990 I don’t expect everyone has to disagree with it too. And I never suggested he tells the OP every time he’s done something. Clearly the op isn’t happy with it though, and that’s fine. I was saying she’s also entitled to not tolerate it, if it’s something she disagrees with. She doesn’t have to agree with it just cos a bunch of you don’t mind your men acting like filthy perverts. Some of the comments were basically telling her to get a grip. She’s entitled to feel how she wants

Sex is different. It's better...
Is he OK? I am male, and I don't know any man, including myself, that would choose porn over the real deal

Send him to a GP. Man has something underlying or he's just not that into you.

I think everyone has their own opinions about porn. Some are ok with it and others aren't. Personally my DH doesn't use it (as far as I'm aware) so I can't really comment on how I would feel if he did. My personal opinion of it is that it's unrealistic, they're actors, and who even looks like that anyway? I think it gives people that watch it unrealistic expectations.

I think for you two, you are on different pages about what's acceptable. It sounds like to him, it's something he enjoys and the more you express you are unhappy with it, the more he will feel like he has to hide it.

Now the issue comes for me when you said he called you fat and ugly. Now even if he was angry this isn't fair especially because you are pregnant. If he is bringing you down because of porn then that's just not acceptable (or to bring you down at all anyway!). Also checking his phone etc isn't healthy for either of you and living with paranoia could be exhausting!

My recommendation is to sit down and openly discuss it, try to put some boundaries in place e.g. don't pay for it, only watch at night when kids are in bed etc. And if you have boundaries it might become less of 'his little secret'

When thinking about relationships I always think...Would you want your daughter to be with a man like him when she is older? Would you want your son to be with a woman like you?

My God @quarantinevibes so anyone who watches porn is a "filthy pervert"? Judgemental much.
Most people have said if it's a deal breaker OP should leave but expecting him to change or tell her everytime he wanks is wildly unreasonable.

Just seen that he has been on dating sites..that's NOT ok. See my above post..

Would you be happy if a man treated your daughter like this in future? Don't settle for any less than what you would want for your kids, for yourself!

I think if it was sex or wanking he would pick sex,
Just sometime hard to find time, pass 4 days he’s been doing the bathroom all day I mean like 8 till 10, so we haven’t had it he said he’s been busy o was at the shop he new we wouldn’t have it last night because he was busy so he wanted a quick one

He's allowed to have a wank, I think it's not your place to stop that, but paying for porn is a bit gross.

Have you discussed why you dislike it?

I feel like I’m not good enough

Well yes that’s my opinion. Anyone who needs to be watching other people naked having sex is clearly a pervert. Especially all the scenarios and categories. Personally I think it just leads to a porn addiction, a filthy mind which starts to effect your daily life and people you meet and complete wrong idea of how sex should be. It’s not healthy at all.

Seriously op you need to work on your own issues and stop trying to control whether he can wank or not....you haven't had sex for 4 days and was feeling a bit horny so had a wank, big deal! He's not choosing wanking over sex he is just choosing both

I hate to break this to you @quarantinevibes but in a recent survey 96% of the 12,000 men polled said they have watched porn. So by your logic 96% of all men are addicts who can't function in daily life?

Porn is no different to any indulgence eg drinking, smoking, junk food sure there are some who people become addicts but most people can enjoy it as part of a healthy life.

My do.wstches porn (though not very much) and I do too.

The two problems for me would be;

Paying sex workers for images on adultwork. Because he's spending money and because getting images off adultwork (a cam sex, escort, prostitute website) is to me much much more perdonsl and involved than watching some pre recorded free porn in s porn web site.
Also I'd be worried about it escalating to paying for cam sex.

Second problem for me would be calling a pregnant size 12/14 woman who's had three of his kids fat and ugly.

You're neither but even if you were, you shouldn't expect to say "I watch porn do much and pay women on adultwork for images' because you're fat and ugly. That's abusive, really abusive.

Anyone who'd say that anyone legbaling their pregnant wife is a total c*nt.

*let alone to their pregnant wife

I think that he has a right to feel controlled but you clearly feel unloved because of it and his lashing out and calling you fat and ugly will only make the problem worse.

Can you write down how and why you feel the way you do and ask him to do the same and then read them separately? Then come to a compromise?

Sorry, I didn't finish my sentence there .. you shouldn't expect to say "I watch so much porn and pay women for images on adultwork because you're fat and ugly" .. and have them stay married to you.(or stay alive for that matter if it were me he said it to). I think I'd end up in the cop shop.

I told him he shouldn’t be doing in the day he said yeh that wrong

You know I agree with you about this guy in general. Is there any reason though, that wanking at one time of day is worse than at another? Or do you just mean because in the day he has the kids with him?

@GilbertMarkham so you're condemning verbal attacks but condoning physical ones.... OK. Reverse what you just said. So... Wife masturbates habitually whilst husband out. Gets off to men wearing next to nothing and watching porn. Paying for odd bits etc... Dh keeps spying on her and stalking what she's up to threatens her that the marriage is over if she ever does it again. Heat of anger after persistent badgering wife turns around and yells reasoning is because he's fat and ugly. Poster advisers he should never put up with her saying that and he should have smacked her one

that's £70 a week, on "mastubatory habits" are you seriously saying he has a right to do that?

This can’t be a serious question? Which law do you think says a persons earnings become family money they have no right to do it, and it is illegal for them to spend their money on porn?

There is no such law.

Morally as said, that’s a different story. But there is no law that says when you get married or have kids your salary become family money and you have no right to spend it as you please.

“Family money” is something invented on mumsnet to describe people’s desire to have access or control over their partners wage. It is not a legal requirement. Plenty of families don’t have “family money” it’s a personal choice, and income and how you spend it is discretionary. Be it on bars of chocolate, clothes, cars, or porn.

It’s not family money but the time he was doing that we had no money so I thought and I was lending of family for food,

so you're condemning verbal attacks but condoning physical ones.... OK.

When people say "i'd kill so and so if they did a,b,c", ... They (usually) don't mean it literally.

Same with "if they wanted to stay alive", "I'd be digging up my patio", "I'd murder so and so if they did ..."

It's not meant literally .... Most at people understand that implicitly, I'm not sure why you don't.

Reverse what you just said. So... Wife masturbates habitually whilst husband out. Gets off to men wearing next to nothing and watching porn. Paying for odd bits etc... Dh keeps spying on her and stalking what she's up to threatens her that the marriage is over if she ever does it again. Heat of anger after persistent badgering wife turns around and yells reasoning is because he's fat and ugly. Poster advisers he should never put up with her saying that and he should have smacked her one hmm

If I used porn excessively (which it's arguable this guy does) and paid for "odd bits" (!) of sexual images off male models/escorts on the female equivalent of adultwork (which doesn't exist) from our household money and when challenged told my husband .. "I do it because you're fat and ugly!!"

.. I would not expect him to stay married to me, no.

He said it because he's a nasty c*not and thinks she'll take it and she's going nowhere because she's pregnant and already has three of his kids.