Porn

[Helpthisgirl]

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

You're not being controlling OP. You've told him that porn isn't the issue, but the lies, timing of it and payment for sites is. You've been more than reasonable. I really feel for you and I sincerely hope he wakes up and realises what he's going to lose, for all of your sakes. There is so much more to life than a sordid orgasm, all that you've had together, all that you could have in the future as a loving family together. But unfortunately it does sound that a wank is more important to him than a mutually respectful relationship with you and his children. God, it's so sad. I wish you well OP and hope that sometime soon in the future you will be happier.

Watching him constantly, trying to catch him out, never letting him out of your sight, wanting details on when and how he masturbates, is all very controlling behavior.

He’s blaming you for his objectification of women.

Kick his arse out and he can marry his hand.

Next thing they'll be arguing that women who object to them exercising their right to fuck other women are guilty of coercive control. hmm

@ScreamingBeans I can’t quite believe how this is the minority view. This is sad and I agree with you.

The boyfriend has told OP that he exercises his right to be visual and watch naked women all day and even progressed fo sex worker. He told OP she was fat and ugly (which I am sure she isn’t) but he simply needs other women to satisfy him visually (slimmer, less pregnant, prettier?). addicted to the point that he can’t help himself when the kids are around.
I have not seen OP saying she was refusing him sex or that refuses to give him his visual stimulation. Anyhow, to him one woman is not enough, yet poor OP is being vilified for being controlling....

he was on dating sites was on adult work was paying for pictures and was doing every day

I would have binned him off after that, no second chance.

He is fundamentally untrustworthy, and I really don't see any redeeming qualities.

If we didn’t have kids I would leave in a heart beat I would just get on with my life but I can’t we have kids together, I can’t financially support 4 kids on my own I know that’s bad, but I can’t how could I work full time? I have no family, my mum is died I have 1 sister and she’s works full time and his family don’t bother, so I’m stuck in a relationship that I don’t think I want

Some people have said they dont see the problem with porn. But I always think of the sad and desperate lives many of the porn stars must have had as children to make this their life choice ... and how that correlates to someone using them in this way for sexual gratification makes me feel sad that they are lacking in any empathy. Just a personal view.

OP, I’m sorry he is treating you like this and I understand how stuck you feel. Can you get in touch with the citizen advice bureau or charities like gingerbread to enquire of the help you could get should you decide to leave?

You could claim maintenance for a start.
Have you actually enquired as to what you could claim etc?

What's you housing situation?

I've just realised op did say he's been on dating sites as well as adultwork (which is mainly a cam sex and escort/prostitute site to the best of my knowledge). If you were after simple porn, you wouldn't be on there.

I thought adult work was bad enough, and the spending money on porn when there's gazillions of fee porn videos and images. But the dating sites ....

People are ignoring so much in this thread by focusing on op's feelings about masturbation and porn.

Personally I think ops being pretty naive and unrealistic about masturbation and have no problem with my do masturbating. Same with porn, unfortunately the majority of men seem to use it.

If it's becoming very often, there could be s problem .. and op's dh seems to be getting into that territory.

But all this aside; it's the dating sites and the sex worker site visits that are totally and utterly inappropriate and unacceptable. So many posters seem to be ignoring them; maybe not reading the thread thoroughly.

Then there's what he said - absolutely disgusting and not excuseable by snapping back at op.

The house is in my name as I move here before we got together, his self employed so he could lie about his wages if he wants to,
All I want is to feel loved beautiful and for him to respect me

Op you'll get 85% childcare fees paid as single working mum (registered childminder or childcare place), child maintenance off him, probably some universal credit, child benefit, is there any equity in your property? You can check entitled to and the child maintenance calculator. citizens advice are v good, possibly doing phone calls at moment you could check.

Well he’s completely NOT doing that.

He won’t get any better if he’s spending money and his free time buying sexual services like fine ham.

I don’t think you should be policing his masturbation habits, because really a man who actually mature does that for himself.

What you have is an immature entitled idiot. If you spent £££ on sexual services every month then he would go apeshit.

I don't know off hand how to stop him from under representating his income, but I think that you'll probably get more UC, the Les he pays. Maybe someone better informed can chime in.

When you say the house is in your name, do you mean you own it if you're renting it?

Either way, you're not married and he's not in the mortgage or rental agreement .. it's actually a good position for you to be in. You could get rid of him and stay there. Have a look at everything to see if you could afford the mortgage/rent in your own - you could look at two case scenarios; you back at work using childcare, or you not working for a while until your baby's older. Are you on maternity or are you not working (sorry if it's in the thread)?

Cab could help if you're not sure working it out on own.

Telling your partner they can’t watch porn is controlling? Well it may be to some, but presumably telling your partner you don’t want them gambling or drinking 6 pints a night then is controlling too then. They are all ‘habits’ . If it’s something you don’t want in your marriage , you don’t want it. You are perfectly entitled if in a relationship to say you don’t like it and don’t want it. They can then take that information and do whatever with it, if they carry on regardless then you have a choice and it’s not as if you havent told them. Why when it’s porn is It that the cool police think we just need to let them carry on regardless whereas if it was a bad alcohol problem or drugs or gambling it would be unacceptable! Manycwonen even in this day and age find excessive use of it offensive, if you don’t then that’s fine, just accept that many women do and it’s more of a marriage wrecker than many realise, especially amongst women over 40

And I didn’t say that relates to masturbation, just using online porn . The two don’t have to go together

Porn addiction. (Not sure if anyone's mentioned that yet?)
Someone who watches a "healthy" amount of porn will not feel the need to pay. There's tons of free porn out there, so I'm not sure why addicts pay for it? Maybe to add to the buzz? To get something personal and therefore feel naughtier? Either way, he sounds like an addict.

Sorry, I also meant to say that you shouldn't feel like you're being too controlling seeing as he's spunking a load of money down the drain! I think the odd wank here and there is fine, but a porn addiction is a completely different ball game. It can ruin lives and relationships; it broke my family.

Sorry to ask but is he OK in the bedroom?

Would leave him in a heartbeat. You deserve better and so do your kids

I think I pushed him to much today, I was bad I was in his face shouting I think he just wanted me to leave him alone, I have to get over the porn and trust it’s just porn or leave b

No, you don't deserve being talked to that way. It wasn't your fault, he didn't have to say that.

You feel uncomfortable about this stuff and that's how you feel- you have a right to your feelings and they govern how your life should be. They are our alert system, like pain telling us we should take our hand off the hob.

He is the hob and your heart is scorched. He's not someone it's safe for you to be in a relationship with.

@sammylady37 "Watching him constantly, trying to catch him out, never letting him out of your sight, wanting details on when and how he masturbates, is all very controlling behavior."
and also getting in his face and yelling at him about it.

Plenty of bad behavior on his end too though of course.

This relationship doesn't sound very healthy to be honest. Probably she should leave, he isn't going to change. And if she has a zero-tolerance attitude to porn, make that very clear to any man she gets involved with in the future. It will be hard finding a man who never looks at porn.

Two issues exist here. He is in charge of 3 children whilst he should be making every effort as a father to protect them. Second issue, £10 per day is a lot of money out of family income with 3 almost 4 children. It is a child safeguarding issue as kids are being left to own devices and could walk in on situation. Because of his fondness/ addiction to this it is having knock on effect on family life. You would be horrified if another relative did this whilst in charge of your family. You are making allowances for him because of your relationship and your situation. Any male/female can do self pleasure in private and its none of anyone's business. If he continues with this behaviour let the social services know about the safeguarding aspect of it. Make him aware this is what you are going to do (unless of course he is violent or aggressive to you) then do not tell him. Even the fact you are going to take action to address the situation may change things for him in his mind. If social services become involved allow them to liaise with him not you as he is the source of the issue. And social services are confidential. They would direct you to people who can help as regards your rights/ housing/income. I wish you good luck with your next wee child and remember your kids come first.

^^ did you miss the big where she’s perfectly happy to have sex with him while the kids are awake and could walk in on it? Is that a safeguarding issue? Should she be reporting herself also?

For everyone asking about our sex is great and never normal go more then a few times