Porn

[Helpthisgirl]

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

I would expect him to accept me masturbating.

I would expect him to accept me using porn within moderation.

I would not expect him to accept me buying images of particular men off a male sex worker website, no.
I'd expect that to possibly end our marriage or at the very least cause a big problem.

I would absolutely not expect him to accept me saying it do it because he's fat and ugly when challenged. I'd consider our marriages essentially over if I came out with something like that.

And to reiterate the comment about murdering him/ending up.in a police station was not literal and was gallows humour.

Oh and on the expected acceptance of (moderate) porn use; I'd expect that because I know he uses it too and we are both ok with our respective porn use.

Some people are not and they are somewhat incompatible with those who use it. I do think men who don't use it are in the majority and that presents a quandary for women who find its use unacceptable and want a partner.

*sorry, minority not majority

He wants instead of watching his kids while you go to the shop
He goes on dating websites
He called you names
He spends money on porn instead of feeding his children
There is probably more to it. He doesn't value your marriage or your children so there's no wonder you're unhappy

My feeling aside, do men that have low self confidence, get something more from porn?
He told me today he don’t it more since lock down because he misses training, he does Brazilian jujitsu he’s always trying to change his body always on a diet or something. He lost 5 stone at one point, this was before he was training I think he was depressed, eating not exercising fallen asleep early, he always saying his ugly ect

Low self esteem

He goes on dating websites

I missed it if op said he went on dating sites.

One poster said it (by mistake I think) and then others are repeating that.

Op said he bought images off adultwork - which is a sex work website - cam, escort, prostitute, some porn

He told me today he don’t it more since lock down because he misses training

It might be understandable that people use porn more under lockdown, but let's face it if he really wanted to do something else, he could. There are three million vids on YouTube and online for all types of training and exercise Inc
BJJ.

he always saying his ugly ect

He sounds very fixated on looks/the superficial.

He does you videos for bjj
He’s not normally horrible with his words and texts me went he’s at work saying hey beautiful ect I think I pushed him to much today, I was bad I was in his face shouting I think he just wanted me to leave him alone, I have to get over the porn and trust it’s just porn or leave b

Dating sites and adultwork? While in a relationship with you? With kids?

Awful. Totally different league to someone who watches porn and wanks.

Dating sites = attempting to cheat by looking at and communicating with real women.

Adult work = best case scenario paying for pictures of women (but why do they when there is so much free porn), likely scenario paying to watch cam girls and wanking on video, or I'm afraid booking sex workers.

He's gross IMO.

I honestly don’t think he’s ever been out and had sex with anyone, I found his adult work page before he know and there was no message on there or website history ect just pictures

Is wanking and porn normal if it’s not effecting sex or life, is lieing about it normal ( he said he lied because he know I would be angry and he didn’t want to hurt me )

It doesn't matter what is "normal" what matters is whether it's something you are comfortable with and if not, if he doesn't want to stop (he's an adult with autonomy) then you need to be prepared to leave.

If it's a dealbreaker it's a dealbreaker, you can't say something is unacceptable to you, have them say they won't stop it and then just seethe for the rest of your life.

Is it a dealbreaker or not?

He sounds disrespectful as fuck. I wouldn't care he watched porn but I would care he paid for adult work because it's such a slippery slope and I don't understand why anyone would use it for just pics / vids when there is so much free shit out there and so many other sites for cam stuff that don't also facilitate booking sex workers.

I would care most about the fact that (whether in anger or not) the man I had three children with, and one on the way, said he had to watch porn because I was fat and ugly.

Id never be able to forget that and it would knock my self confidence to a point I would need to actively work at building it back up.

Even in anger I would never say such a thing to my partner not just because I love him but because I'm not a cunt or a bully.

What a spiteful, nasty thing for him to say. Do you want to set this example to your children, that this is what a relationship looks like?

Wanking is normal....he shouldn't have to lie about it but you tried to control him by telling him not to do it which resulted in him lying....nobody should try to control their partner

He said he didn’t want to do it anymore, he said it got to much then lied about starting it again

I'd kick the bastard out for paying for porn alone. I couldn't be with someone that stupid with money.

The "fat and ugly" comment is also a relationship terminating offense.

He said he didn't want to wank because you had caused issues about it and made him feel bad about wanking....you should not have even let him agree to that..

Some really bizarre responses on here. It is like some people are so desperate to say the porn use is his right that shouldnt be questioned, that they are ignoring:
His name calling
His wanking while he was supposed to be looking after three children
spending £280 a month on porn when the mother of his children was borrowing money off family to feed those children
lying
use of the site Adultwork.

being on dating sites
Usually out training 4/5 times a week while op doesnt get to go out apart from work.

But yes, focus on his right to wank.

I didn’t have him agree I told him over and over it’s normal and I just want to have boundaries but he said he wouldn’t do it so we didn’t need to talk about it

So if you told him wanking is normal why get upset that he wanks?

There shouldn't have been the situation that he has to actively lie about it

I think you are focusing on and getting upset over the wrong things

Love these MRA arguments that not wanting to be called fat and ugly or have family money spent on watching pornography is controlling.

Next thing they'll be arguing that women who object to them exercising their right to fuck other women are guilty of coercive control.

There seems to be a lot of gaslighting going on at Mumsnet nowadays.

Telling your partner they can't wank is controlling

Telling your partner they can't watch porn is controlling

But this seems to be ok for some on here cos it's aimed at a guy

No-one, that I've seen, have tried saying that not wanting to be called names is controlling. Calling someone names is unacceptable.

Ok, everyone thank you, I feel like if he cared about me he wouldn’t be on porn