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Original poster

Porn

211 replies

Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 06:54

Ok, a year ago I found out my boyfriend was paying for porn pictures and what ever else online, it completely broke me, he wouldn’t wank a lot he said, anyways yesterday I found him wanking again he said he stopped doing it, I left the house for 2 minutes to go to the shop but I came back because the shop was to busy, he said he wouldn’t use porn again because of how it makes me feels ect but yet again he’s just lieing to me,
He said is just porn he uses but I can’t believe him, what should I do, we have 3 kids together and I’m pregnant,
He said last night he won’t Stop the porn,

So in my head I have to leave,??
Has the happen to anyone before?
How can I trust him, I feel like every time my back is turned he will be online wanking,

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 09:59

The kids wasn’t in the room, I don’t think it does it a few times a day anymore, we normally have sex every other day or sometime every day,

OP posts:
Yecats1990 · 10/05/2020 10:01

I watch porn and masturbate when my DH is not home. If he asked me about it I would prob tell the truth but only because I know he's not judgemental. If I thought he would judge me I would probably lie because masturbation is private and really no one else's business. Why are you so obsessed with him wanking?

Raidblunner · 10/05/2020 10:08

No no no...I'm a father of 3 daughters and shaking hands with shorty whilst the kids are around is out of order. What's wrong with him ffs? He sounds like he's definitely a porn addict. With the greatest of respect do you have a regular sex life. It's a fact that men that watch a lot of porn get desensitized and expect their partners to be like the women in these films. Unless he can make a real noticeable effort to stop it and start respecting you I'd kick the fucker out. £50/60 quid a week on wanking could be spent on taking the kids to the cinema or getting a babysitter so you can have an evening out together.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 10/05/2020 10:09

Some people are missing the point and think you don't want him to wank but the issues are the lying, the paying for porn, watching porn at inappropriate times when he should be parenting. All these "but I wank" ok, but do you stick cbeebies on for your 3 children so you can crack on or do you wait until all kids are asleep? Fgs, porn is also not just a performance issue, so again, all the people saying as long as he can perform have clearly never lived someone who enjoys watching women have degrading sex with men for money. Rape isn't a performance issue either. Unfortunately as you can see from your thread watching sex trafficked women is now normalised in society bit it doesn't mean you have to be this unhappy in your relationship. Only someone who's been through something similar will get it, otherwise you're being accused of controlling and things. Watching porn with 3 kids awake in order to have a wank is not ok

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 10:15

@Redskylark our sex life is totally fine, he never Tries to make me do anything I don’t want to, he’s loving in bed and kisses me holds me ect

OP posts:
Yecats1990 · 10/05/2020 10:17

Doing it while your kids are awake is pretty grim but the OP herself admitted to having a quickie in the house while the kids were awake so how is this different?
Just because you view porn as "degrading" and "rape" doesnt make it true. Most porn available is completely legal.
The "lieing" should be understandable since the OP clearly tries to catch him wanking and then gets irate about it. It's a private act.
If you don't like porn that's fine end the relationship but he's entitled to watch porn and masturbate.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 10/05/2020 10:19

It's your relationship and your boundaries and people have no right to tell you what you feel is wrong, that's minimising and gaslighting. Your feelings are important. You are important

This is the most important thing to remember @Helpthisgirl

Some posters on here are happy for their partners to waste money they can't afford paying other women for sex.

Some are happy for their partners to watch porn daily.

Some are happy for their partners to spend the time they should be caring for their children masturbating.

Some are happy to be verbally abused if they call out their partners bad behaviour.

They are not you. You can decide what is acceptable or not in your relationship.

Brownyblonde · 10/05/2020 10:23

I think he said those awful words to you in the heat of anger (it's not abuse before anyone has you down that road) it isn't OK what he said but Im guessing it is in the heat of anger (people say horrible things they don't mean when they're angry) he definitely isn't wholly addicted if you're having consensual loving sex every day or every other day. It's probably mindless escapism for him. It's make me tut and roll my eyes I won't lie but6it wouldn't make me leave an otherwise good marriage. I think you'll either have to reassess how you feel about it (unlikely I know) or leave if its a deal breaker. He won't stop. You know that don't you? He'll just be forced to lie. Not healthy for him or you. I'd have a good think about how 'bad' this man is before upping and leaving though. It's a massiveige changing decision

Brownyblonde · 10/05/2020 10:24

*massive life changing

Brownyblonde · 10/05/2020 10:40

Also I've watched porn and most women aren't trafficked. They're paid to do a job that they've signed themselves up for.

Scooby63 · 10/05/2020 11:01

He is not entitled to spend family money, a lot of money, on his wanking. He is selfish and offensive, it's all about him and his needs. Then when he is called out on the inappropriateness of his lying, spending and the timing of his 'hobby', he gets ugly and blames his partner for his actions. What a Prince!! His mother would be so proud.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 11:04

It's your relationship and your boundaries and people have no right to tell you what you feel is wrong, that's minimising and gaslighting. Your feelings are important. You are important*

Of course.shes important. But she’s not the only important person. He is important too. They are equals. He is an adult human, he has autonomous rights over his body. No one has a right to tell him what he can and cannot do with it. Just as he can’t tell her what to do with her body, she can’t tell him what to do with his.

As such, she can’t say this is her red line that’s fine, he can’t say I don’t accept it. That’s also fine. If it’s a red line for her then she either accepts it or leaves.

It’s that simple and that complicated. But her rights do not outweigh his. Not when it comes to something as personal as his masturbatory habits.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 11:08

He is not entitled to spend family money, a lot of money, on his wanking

He has a right to do as he pleases with his money. He is fully entitled to. This is how the law stands. Family money is something mumsnet invented. There is no such standing in law that your salary becomes family money and you have no right over it.

Morally it might be different, but no one can argue he can’t do as he legally pleases with his own money. He can.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 11:09

Is it normal to wank as soon as I leave?

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 10/05/2020 11:10

Masturbatory habits don't come before looking after 3 children while mum pops to the shop. The context is quite telling here. He's also spending money and lying about it. If he has to watch porn and wank in this context, his rights don't trump the rights of 3 children. I think op you're right to feel upset and he's crossed several boundaries but only you have to live with him

EastMidsMumOf1 · 10/05/2020 11:12

If my DH started watching porn, it would be the end of our marriage. We both feel very strongly about the porn industry so I should hope it would never be an issue!
The fact your DP is calling you fat and ugly, along with paying £10 a day are all reasons why you should leave. What hes doing is conditioning you to put up with it - don't.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 11:13

He isn’t spending any money since I found out, I know he’s not I look at the bank

OP posts:
EastMidsMumOf1 · 10/05/2020 11:15

@Bluntness100 that's £70 a week, on "mastubatory habits" are you seriously saying he has a right to do that? £10 a day, 30/31 days a month, 365 days a year on anything is alot really especially when you have 3 children and on something completely non essential.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 11:26

Ok he said he don’t see the problem with porn or wanking and he won’t stop as he’s a adult and he has the rights to do, I told him he shouldn’t be doing in the day he said yeh that wrong but when I’m home I don’t leave him alone ( I know I don’t, he comes bed with me at night and I’m up in the mornings with him )
He’s said I loves me and said things out of anger I was shouting at him ect, wasn’t being very nice,
He promised it’s just porn every now and again, so it’s left to me, I don’t want to end our family over wanking but I feel so strong over this

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 10/05/2020 11:40

OP, you’ve asked if it’s normal to do it as soon as you leave. But earlier you stated Maybe I do over think the Wanking I’m always asking him I’m always on his phone and Trying to catch him doing it so in those circumstances of course he does it when you’re not there.

It’s also a tad hypocritical of you to bring up about him doing it when the kids are in the house and awake, given that you admit to having sex with him when they’re awake in another room.

No wonder the man lies about his masturbation given the reaction he gets from you about it.

If the paid porn is an issue for you, you need to decide if it’s one worth leaving over. You can’t insist on him changing his habits for you though.

amy85 · 10/05/2020 12:06

So it's wrong from him to wank when the kids are awake but it's fine for you guys to have a quickie while they are awake?

he said he don’t see the problem with porn or wanking and he won’t stop as he’s a adult
And he is right it's his body and his choice....you wouldn't want him dictating what you can and can't do.

You sound quite controlling tbh poor bloke doesn't get a second piece because in your own words you don't leave him alone

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 10/05/2020 12:07

@Helpthisgirl, I'm sorry maybe its my comprehension but your posts seem to be getting more confused and contradictory.

*Is he watching online porn or paying camgirls for sexual favours. Two completely seperate things.

*Is he wanking every spare minute or do you just think he is?

*Do you feel the need to be with him all the time? Do you have any time apart?

I get the feeling there is a lot going on in the relationship that you haven't mentioned.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 12:22

I don’t know how many times he does it as he lies and no he works and comes home I don’t go out anywhere he goes training 4/5 times a weeks normally, I don’t think he’s paying for anything at the moment but he was

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 10/05/2020 12:25

I have trust issues because he was on dating sites was on adult work was paying for pictures and was doing every day

OP posts:
amy85 · 10/05/2020 12:33

So you need to work on those trust issues....controlling him and not giving him any alone time is not healthy and will just cause more issues

Either stay together and work on your issues or call it a day