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Original poster

How does everyone feel about p0rn?

632 replies

warmsummersday · 17/09/2007 19:58

Hi. Im feeling abit insecure at the mo, OH works away in the week and all I can think about for the past couple of weeks is porn and I don't like the idea of him looking at it. I don't know why. Obviuosly I know he looks at it, just like everyother tom dick and harry! I have some but for me to look at it is fine in my head. Can someone reasure me and make me feel better please?

OP posts:
PodPast · 17/09/2007 20:02

hmm. i feel like you. i naively thought that when we threw a load of videos away a couple of years ago, that he'd stopped looking at it. then a few weeks ago he was away and i was looking for something in his cupboard, and found a load of dvds. doh. how could i have been so dumb. anyway, i stewed for a couple of days then told him in bed how shocked i'd been. we kind of left it at that, and i bought myself a rabbit (not a pet one...) and somehow the thrill of that made me feel less bad about him. now the thought of lap dancing etc is a whole other worry but i shall continue to bury my head about that possibility...

PodPast · 17/09/2007 20:04

not that i have any reason to think he would go to such a club - just that when i realised how naive id been re the porn, i began to wonder what else i didn't know about.

Elizabetth · 17/09/2007 20:11

Not all blokes look at porn. It's degrading to women and a lot of the performers have very unhappy histories which have led them to end up in it. I'd be unhappy too if my partner was looking using porn.

Original poster
warmsummersday · 17/09/2007 20:19

Thanks. Can you understand though from his point of view that he is away all week so he needs something! I just brought an erotic book but for me I feel it's fine. I know if he was coming home evry night he wouldn't be looking at it would he.

OP posts:
whiskeyandbeer · 17/09/2007 20:19

as a bloke i look at it fairly regularly (actually have no idea if about this but i assume it's regular enough without being obsessed,every few days) and don't see any problem with it. my oh has always known about it and as far as i know she doesn't have a problem with it.
i just see it as a normal thing.

Piggley · 17/09/2007 20:52

I posted a thread about this subject not so long ago and got some v helpful advice - don't know if you can trace it back? What happened was when I logged onto PC found all this porn websites - I was shocked. I looked at then and because I found them repulsive thought DH was a complete tosser (excuse the pun) for looking at them. Now think that the vast majority of men look a porn. It's the way they are and it is just so accessible. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me or fancies me just mean that he wants a look.

I have had huge probs with all this in past, we nearly didn't get married when I discovered his mags. But life is too short to worry he's an ace hubby and best dad plus we're trying for DC3 so no need for porn at mo!! And I do read erotic books. As long as its adults, legal and non-degarding I'm going to have to go with the flow.

I hope it all works out. P x

ps whiskyandbeer do you agree, interesting to get v honest male perspective

Mommalove · 17/09/2007 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
warmsummersday · 17/09/2007 21:02

Piggley, thank you so much, that's really help!

Whiskyandbeer thanks for such an honest opinion!

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 17/09/2007 21:04

dp looking at porn doesnt bother me at all, everyone is allowed their fantasies,if i objected he would be pestering me every bloody day

whiskeyandbeer · 17/09/2007 21:10

pretty much but everyones opinion on what degreading is will differ, and i can understand some partners being inseure if they stumble on their dp's porn and it is very focused on something they are not (e.g. big tits if the person is flat chested or really thin if they are overweight).
i'd look at porn when i was having a wank because it's easy, doesn't ref;ect anything on my partner just that i like looking at attractive women when engaged in that activity and it's a lot healthier and legal to do so on the internet/tv than trying to peek through some neighb ours window (joking)

fawkeoff · 17/09/2007 21:12

lol at him down below....i might add that when iwas preggers with dd i found his old stash and threw it all in the bin, that was 5 years ago.now i couldnt give a rats arse i know he loves me but he likes to sort himself out

Elizabetth · 17/09/2007 21:14

I'm surprised everybody is so blase about porn with children in the house. I saw my Dad's porn when I was a kid and it was very disturbing. Children do end up seeing these things and it is not good for them.

It's not true that "men will be men". The widespread availability of porn is very recent phenomenon. If you went back to the 1960s men didn't have access to the kind of porn that they do now.

Also, it's not a fantasy. It's real women's bodies being used and degraded.

policywonk · 17/09/2007 21:17

I think we (women in general) have been a bit brainwashed about this. The truth is that most women do feel uncomfortable about their spouse looking at porn, but we've been told so many times that most men just have to do it (or what? Their dicks will fall off?) that we think we're not entitled to tell them to stop.

If I found out that my DP used porn, he'd be out the door, pronto.

(disclaimer: yes, I know some women like and use porn.)

whiskeyandbeer · 17/09/2007 21:18

"It's real women's bodies being used and degraded."

as i said earlier on everyone will have their own opinions on what is degrading.

whiskeyandbeer · 17/09/2007 21:21

as i said before policywonk everyone will have their own standards and if that's a deal breaker for you and your husband knows this from the start fair play. i'm the same with certain things that if i found out my oh did it would be a straight redcard (checking my phone/email or anything like that). i just came on to give my perspective on the subject.when your in relationships you have to set your own boundaries and rules and if they work for you more power to you.

nappynuttynormabutty · 17/09/2007 21:21

Well I don't have a problem with it. If he wants to look at it he can. Tbh he's not that into it. It's me that enjoys it and it doesn't bother him.

fawkeoff · 17/09/2007 21:22

can i just say about the "whole women being degraded" the majority of these women choose to do this job, theyare not made to.....tell me what jenna jamesons excuse is, she is a millionaire and enjoys her job, i dont for one bit feel sorry for her

Elizabetth · 17/09/2007 21:24

"as i said earlier on everyone will have their own opinions on what is degrading."

I think it's pretty much universally agreed that the kind of things that are done to women in pornography are humiliating and degrading particularly as they are done for public consumption.

If you can't get your head around it, try to imagine yourself photographed in those positions, in those clothes (or lack of them) with those expressions on your face. Then think of people seeing the photographs or videos. Humiliation probably doesn't begin to cover it.

Piggley · 17/09/2007 21:25

My DS's are five and two and do not have access to PC. Believe me when they do I will have every child lock on there to keep them away from porn, chat rooms and God knows what else will exist in five years time.

I am not being blase that I know DH uses porn I think it is just being a realist. I am happy with sex once/twice a week but my DH isn't. Do I want him frustrated and grumpy - no. Never thought I would stick up for him on this subject, so thank you Elizabetth. Also porn has pretty much always existed (caveman drawings?) and prostitution is the oldest job in history - i know what I would prefer DH to use.

Whiskyandbeer - thank you for your honesty, so great having a bloke with his opinion on line.

P x

Elizabetth · 17/09/2007 21:27

"tell me what jenna jamesons excuse is"

Jenna Jameson was both raped and gang-raped before she was 18. Most porn-stars have horrific stories of sexual abuse and rape in their past. They have learnt that their only value is to be sex objects for men.

She also had the misfortune to end up with a husband who wanted to be her pimp. What kind of a husband puts his wife in porn. Then again he did make a lot of money from her.

policywonk · 17/09/2007 21:29

whiskey - my comments weren't aimed at you particularly. I was trying to make a wider point about the 'pornification' of society - porn in music videos, porn in men's magazines on eye-level shelves, porn all over the internet, porn being a bigger money-spinner than Hollywood (or whatever the statistic is), and so on. It's become so overwhelming that the average female reaction to porn, which is to find it pretty revolting and disturbing, has been declared illegitimate.

Now, obviously I don't know your wife and can't comment on what she does or does not feel happy with. But I can tell you that there is at least one of these threads every week on MN: some woman has found her spouse's porn stash and doesn't know how to react. She feels revolted and betrayed, but thinks that her reaction is illegitimate.

Sixer · 17/09/2007 21:30

OH has been working away recently. I know he uses porn and can understand why he does. I have no problem with the odd mag or 80's video. what i do hate is internet porn. I feel it leads them from one thing to another far too easily. It does then make me feel terribly insecure when we are together. I have questions whirling around in my head, such as is he expecting this, thinking that, remembering such in such that he saw on the internet. I know it is also where he gets his 'new' ideas, and sometimes it makes me wonder. I hate internet porn.

Original poster
warmsummersday · 17/09/2007 21:32

Im thinking differently already!

I know he does it as he is away in the week so obviously we can't have sex (if he was home we would!) We used to have a healthy sex life when he was here in the week, now we have to fit it into the weekends, once or twice at weekends!

I am on meditcation at the mo which has complelty changed my sex life and don't feel up for it anymore but before that I was looking at porn and reading books!

OP posts:
whiskeyandbeer · 17/09/2007 21:39

"I think it's pretty much universally agreed that the kind of things that are done to women in pornography are humiliating and degrading particularly as they are done for public consumption.

If you can't get your head around it, try to imagine yourself photographed in those positions, in those clothes (or lack of them) with those expressions on your face. Then think of people seeing the photographs or videos. Humiliation probably doesn't begin to cover it."

we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. yes i might find it humiliating and degrading if i knew people would see videos of me like that which is exactly the reason i am not a porn star. and i don't accept that it is "universally agreed" that the things done to women in porn are degrading as they are done as consenting adults.

fawkeoff · 17/09/2007 21:41

okay i undertstand that, and i feel sorry that she has been through horrible abuse, but so have many others in their life and they didnt turn to porn did they????

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