Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

Cupcakes do you know the feelings are reciprocated or is it more one sided on his part?

@Dozycuntlaters hello! Sorry didn't know how to link the threads! So the messages I saw were deeply emotional. Not dirty. She told him she does have feelings for him and he said he does for her. He was asking to meet up with her and she said she wanted to but was scarred because of the situation

But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

And this is why this man annoys me to no end. How is that an appropriate response to a situation where your spouse wants another kid and you do not? This man needs therapy. I mean, maybe he does live 'in fear' of you, as you alluded, but at the end of the day that would then be one more reason for therapy. This is just nuts.

Hi @deepwatersolo sorry I didn't know the other thread was full and wasn't sure how to link. I won't ever think this baby was a mistake, it's a life and I do want this baby. But was it conceived for the right reasons? No. Does he live in fear of me? Perhaps. I know I'm. It faultless in this But there are things he can do by that would help me which would take 2 seconds and he hasn't so maybe that tells me all I need to know

Does he live in fear of me? Perhaps. I know I'm. It faultless in this But there are things he can do by that would help me which would take 2 seconds and he hasn't so maybe that tells me all I need to know

Well in this constellation, if he did indeed delete all numbers and accounts linking to her, all you would know is that he fears you too much to keep them.

Can you not see how unhealthy this is?

@deepwatersolo yes I do. And that's exactly why I said it needs to be him that does it off his own back. I can't force him to do so.

The fact he has kept her number shows me the risk he is willing to take

A pp said this in your last thread

You have no control over him, regardless of how long you wait. He has all the power here. Ironically you taking some back, and really making him confront the consequences of his actoons/choices might be the catalyst for him choosing to try to salvage your relationship ( if you still want to).

^^ This is good advice.

You have to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy.

I was just wondering if you remember when this was. Only because, his affair started quite early in the marriage. Although you were together for 7 years before that.

He was unhappy before DS1, do he could have left earlier. I wonder if he didn't/doesn't actually see it as an affair because it's not physical.

How do you think he would feel if you had a similar relationship with another man?

And that's exactly why I said it needs to be him that does it off his own back. I can't force him to do so.

The fact of the matter is that he does not want to. As much is established.

Are you sure that you are not falling into old patterns again and 'making his life miserable' until he gives in, just like you did with the 2nd child (your words)?

@SandyY2K Probably about 6 years ago?

I think he was maybe looking for an out with ow. Things weren't getting better between us and that's when I started pushing for another baby.

I don't know what his reaction would be because it's clear he cares more about losing her than losing me.

Do you think I should contact her? Put an end to it? He is risking everything keeping her there whether they are speaking or not. I just wanted him to do it because I felt like if I did it that was me controlling him to do it and he'd resent me

@deepwatersolo that's not what I want. Obviously I want her out of his life completely and yes if I had my way I'd go onto twitter delete his account go on his phone and delete her number etc. But like you say, that would be controlling that's what I meant by it has to be his decision to do these things and not mine because if I do it, he will resent me

But like you say, that would be controlling....

Making his life miserable until he does it, is just as controlling.

@deepwatersolo no I haven't mentioned it since our conversation where I told him I know

Oh, I see. I didn't get that.

@deepwatersolo sorry I probably should have said before. No I haven't mentioned it,, obviously I want to delete it for him I'd be lying if I said I didn't want that but this has to be down to him. As pp have said and I'm starting to get it - he obviously doesn't want to lose her and speaking or not speaking, risking me to keep her in his life. It's like he is more scared of losing her

So you still want his sloppy seconds after all of this? You think him deleting her number/unfollowing her on SM will somehow make your relationship great?

Don't be second best op. No-one wants to be a single parent but I'd take that over a lifetime of mistrust and low self esteem. In fact, I did just that. I packed his bag and sent him straight to her. Funnily enough, it fizzled out once it wasn't all exciting and illicit any more. But he lost me because I will not beg someone to love me and neither should you.

Funnily enough, it fizzled out once it wasn't all exciting and illicit any more.

That was my point from the beginning. What he projects into her (and she possibly into him) is not necessarily related to reality. 'Impossible/unfulfilled love' is easy.

Hi @Sunshineandflipflops are you happy? I hope so :)

No I don't want to be second best and clearly that's what I am. But I am pregnant so I don't want to do anything just yet.

You're right it might not make our relationship better but it would show me he has no need for her number or this new twitter account

I’m really sorry @Cupcakesaregood but you’re not getting this.
HE is not going to end it. HE is not going to delete her/block her.
YOU don’t decide you want her out of your lives. He may not choose that route. You are assuming he wants to stay with you.

Not only is that a bit naive, but you’re saying right now, without even thinking about it, that essentially you just want to press ‘delete’ and carry on like nothing has happened.

You can’t. You will NEVER trust him properly again.
Another baby is going to make him run even harder if anything. He sounds like a child.

The other woman isn’t the problem and getting her out of the picture is not going to make anything better. Even if you could. Which you can’t.

If she knows about you and your baby then don’t call, nothing to be gained, and it’s not her hurting you, it’s him.

@Bunnyfuller I do agree with everything you are saying. And believe me I'm aware my marriage is on shaky ground.

Would you say he is prioritising her above me? Even if they aren't speaking right now?

Yes, I am happy. I loved my exh like I’ll
Never love anyone else but I had to let him go.

I am in a relationship with someone else now and I’ll never marry again or possible even move in with anyone else as I value my independence too much now but things are good.

Do you think I should contact her? Put an end to it?

No. I really don't.

What good would that serve? I mean, it might end their relationship, but it doesn't mean yours will get better. In fact, it could get worse than it is at the moment.

I know you say he has to want to get rid of her number and go NC. .. but do you realise that even if he decided to do that, let's assume they had a fallout over something unrelated to your pregnancy, it would bring him closer to you, unless he wanted that.

He married you. I'm assuming he did so voluntarily, so him committing to your marriage has to be his choice. You can't do this on your own and you shouldn't have to.

Unless and until he turns to you with remorse and a desire to work through this, you have no chance of being happy.

I don't think I recall you saying he's apologised to you for this affair in 2017 or now. He just doesn't seem to care at all....almost like he's devoid of empathy where you're concerned.

@SandyY2K I'm going to get so much crap for what I'm about to say but I need to be honest - I took him agreeing to have this baby as his way of saying yes I'm sorry let's move forward. Before you say anything I know how stupid that was I don't regret it because I'm happy we are having a baby but do I think things will improve? Probably not

He is prioritising himself first of all. All about him. And yes clearly he is prioritising her over you. Not a doubt.

As I and others have suggested, you need to make (difficult) choices yourself and act on them. To be honest your pregnancy is not a reason to delay, quite the reverse. You pare literally torturing yourself with this. Is this the life you want for yourself and your DC?

It is not controlling to say to him enough. You don't want to be with him with her still in his life. Then he is faced with the reality. Of course he may decide to leave. But he may anyway. As may you. A bit of emotional, if not physical detachment will help you here. You can't see the woods for the trees atm.

He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more.

Protecting her my arse! He hasn’t told her because it would contradict his ‘we never have sex’ narrative that he sold her and that she bought.

This is the pick me dance at its most humiliating.

@AgentJohnson actually, he hasn't sold her that. Thanks for your input though