Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

Hello @Eryouwhat thank you for that nice message, I'm trying to hold it together as best I can and enjoy the time with my little ones. The jump from one to two has been hard!
@reservoircats thank you

How is he with your new DD? Does he seem bonded?

@PornStarHotChocolate yes, very much so I can't fault him as a dad at all. He is extremely close with our DS1

Fuck me, he is a twat of the highest order!

How on earth do you manage to be in the same room as this prick? Hes taking you for an absolute mug!

I have been in your situation last year when my DC was 6 months old. I discovered an emotional affair (probably more) that had been going on since before my pregnancy.

He was out of the door the very same hour it was discovered and do you know something? She didnt want him either, probably on account of her knowing what he is capable of and the fact he is a morally bankrupt wanker! Nobody wants him. He has nobody. And I give zero fucks!

My life on the other hand is going swimmingly! I could not be more happy than I am now. Yes, it hurts for a few weeks whilst you mourn the loss of the person you thought he was, but once you pull up your big girl pants you realise relationships with men like this are not real and healthy relationships. I'm well shot. And you would be too. You can still give your DC a loving and stable upbringing whilst being separated. Their is nothing wrong with this.

It's like your doing the pick me dance, you shouldn't be living like this.

Hes a despicable arsehole. He doesn't deserve you. You can do so much better. You're life will change immeasurably once you kick this piss taking knob to the kerb!
I really hope you do!

@Dollydoo1 sent you a pm x

There is no PM.

@Cupcakesaregood what is keeping you in this relationship?
Is it the children?

A good dad would not treat the mother of his children (far less one with a new baby) with such contempt and disrespect.

You have been tortured like this for too long. What do you want? Where do you want to be this time next year? Think about this, and what you expect from a relationship. Then you can lay it out to him. Being proactive will be far better for you than the endless agonising over what he is or is not thinking or doing. Of course it may not be the outcome you want but you will be in control, and how much happier your life will be.

If not this will be your life. Seriously. If not with her, you'll be worrying about others to come.

Hey OP. I've been following your threads since the beginning, and hope you don't mind me joining.

I was in a similar position to you once. No children involved, and my behaviour wasn't as extreme as yours (apologies if that is harsh) - but I was checking up on my fiancé, asking him to be home at certain times, questioning him etc. No social media in those days, but I'm sure I would have been on that too. I was so desperate to stay in the relationship, even though it was breaking me, and we weren't happy. My friends and family gave similar advice to what you have received on your posts.

One thing I failed to see, was how much he was starting to hate me, truly despise me, because of my behaviour. Yes he had the OW, but everytime I asked him about her, about where he had been, whenever I tried to assert myself and let her know I was still there and not going anywhere - it drove him more to her. He still slept with me, would still give me hope that our wedding would still go ahead, but ultimately the minute OW was free, he would have been off like a shot. He stayed with me for convenience. I didn't realise until after, how pitiful and pathetic people thought I was.

I truly wish you luck, and that one day you may be free from your situation. I think it is clear what your DH thinks of you. Your behaviour is not healthy, nor is it acceptable, to either of you. He will never let her go, and your obsession with her number will never stop whilst you're with him. Ideally you'll hold your head up and leave, for your sake and for your children. They may be young enough currently, but one day they will understand. They will know their parents despise one another, and neither of you will realise the effect on them. It is so much easier than done, for strangers to say this on the Internet, I get that, honestly. I hope you will see your worth, that you are much more than this, and that your life doesn't have to be this way.

I’ve not read the full thread but I think you should tell her your pregnant and that you both are keeping it. If he wanted her he would have left you for her. He wants both pieces of cake. If you get in there first maybe the little bitch will back off and go and find a single guy then you can both work on your issues

I hope this sounds as kind as it does in my head. Your husband is, at best, a very disengaged passenger in your life's story. He doesn't love you enough to cut off the other woman. He won't "leave" the other woman. He won't tell the other woman you have given birth to his child. Please, PLEASE ask yourself why????

Because he won't risk losing her. Because he wants the option of an affair. Eva use he doesn't love you enough to cut off the affair. Please readjust your mindset here: you haven't "won" him, he is not the prize. You may be married to him and the mother of his children but that doesn't mean you have won. Honestly. It doesn't. Marriage means nothing without trust and you are miserable, and making him miserable, like this. You shouldn't be "quizzing" him when he's "online" but not speaking to you, that's insane! You are suffocating the pair of you under your paranoia and his disrespect. Sort it out.

@malbecchio hi, I have asked myself why - I think that's why I'm back on here in the hope that people agree with me so I don't sound so nuts. He never told her I was pregnant let alone now have a baby because he doesn't want to lose her, if he wanted to lose her telling her would be the easy way out

@Cupcakesaregood so why won't you leave?! We can all see how useless he is, why can't you?! Oh if I were your friend in real life I would have you tucked up in a duvet right now ready to bite his ears off! How can you stand it, he is having an affair in plain sight?!!!

So you are trying to get Mumsnet to validate your feelings?
But you dont need to.
You feel what you feel.
However you are miserable because on some level you know life shouldn’t be like this.
One day you will get to the point where what dh does, or doesn’t do will not bother you.
So for now I would advise you to just focus on what is good in your life. It’s enough for now. (And maybe more therapy to help you focus on the amazing woman you are. )

Hi @Robin233 honestly, I will try and explain it in the best way I can. This small part of me still hopes he has just ghosted her and I think I needed to come on here to validate that's not the case. This might not make sense as obviously I want to hear that it's over it is the case etc but I don't want to give myself false hope. I just need to know that it's not over and that's why he's kept her details. It's not a case of ghosting it's probably more a case of too scared to tell her etc

I really feel for you but you're obsessing over the same points again and again.

He has her details because he wants to stay in contact - that's it. He won't have told her about the baby so that he can keep his options open.

You have to decide whether you can live with it continuing, or whether you'd rather leave. I don't think the 3rd option of it all going away is ever going to happen.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but repeatedly asking the same question is tying you up in knots. You need peace of mind and you won't find it with him.

Hi Cups nice to hear from you.

I'm sorry the situation hasnt changed but you know the answer, he doesn't want to let her go. He's going to stick with you and his kids because he feels that's the right thing to do, but his heart isn't in it. he may try (hence he goes silent on her) but then it gets too much and he has to make contact. It's hard for you, especially with a new baby but she is not going to go away, and he doesn't want her to. The question is.....what are you going to do about it?

@Dozycuntlaters hi Dozy so nice to hear from you, I hope you're well?

Yes you're completely right. I think I've read too much into this article I read on ghosting. I think if I'm being totally honest with myself I'd hoped that's what he was doing but as others have said and that I realise, if he wanted her gone he'd delete that link to her

@PerpendicularVincent

I really feel for you but you're obsessing over the same points again and again.

He has her details because he wants to stay in contact - that's it. He won't have told her about the baby so that he can keep his options open.

You have to decide whether you can live with it continuing, or whether you'd rather leave. I don't think the 3rd option of it all going away is ever going to happen.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but repeatedly asking the same question is tying you up in knots. You need peace of mind and you won't find it with him.

This is really well put. OP you have enough information now to make an informed decision, ruminating over the whys and hows won't make a difference to the basic facts. This relationship is toxic for you, you don't feel calm, secure and loved. You say you feel ok generally but this isn't healthy behaviour and this has gone on for so very long. I'm not sure what else anyone can say to you that hasn't been said before many times but I do wish you well.

Apologies for not replying. Took some time for myself to think about things. I don't want to talk about this on here but I just want to stress again while it may look like I'm obsessing over one aspect of this mess, behind the scenes I am looking at possible future options for myself and our children.

Not to look too much into the psychology of things but while I was thinking about this whole situation, something struck me and I was interested in your thoughts. My husband, ever since I have known him has always been conflict avoidant. I've never known if that was due to his childhood (mentally abusive mother). He has this habit of sticking his head in the sand. As mentioned before (and I know this pretty much for a fact) he has gone quiet with her. And yes I admit part of me hoped it was done but (and I will try my best not to mention again) if it was done she would be gone.
I think he is applying his head in the sand routine to her rather than just risk hurting her by telling her we have had another baby he's stuck his head down. Will he go back to her? Obviously the situation is f going to change ie our new daughter isn't going to go anywhere so I'm not quite sure where he thinks this will get him.
And for those saying I should tell her - no. It has to come from him because it will hurt more (I know that sounds bad but I'm just being honest).
Again thank you for letting me hear your views, it makes me feel less alone in this.

You don't think he's called to tell her? Hence no messages.

No. There is categorically no way he'd deliver that piece of news over the phone. He'd be too scared to, I know his limits he'd be too scared to even text if

it @PornStarHotChocolate*

It's big though op. Maybe he felt that was the right thing to do. Better than via text. Can you check his call history?

TBH I think it's a positive that he's cut contact with her and gives you an opportunity to build something together. If he hasn't physically cheated on you then this relationship has a chance. He's not going anywhere so why not try and get both of you back on track?

@PornStarHotChocolate I've checked his call history and why is her number still there if he wanted to cut contact?