Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

Oh and I think it’s option 5 as so succinctly put by@BackseatCookers

@SandyY2K I agree. We weren't pregnant at that point though so I don't think he's told her. My gut is telling me he's more scared of losing her and that's why he's quiet with her at the moment

He’s committed to not committing to either of you. It appears he’s putting in more effort with her because your loyalty is already in the bag.

He’s in the luxurious position of two women accepting the scraps he throws their way. The very definition of cake eating.

SandyY2K well I thought maybe we were getting better and then I discovered the twitter!

But what would you say made you think you were getting better? His behaviour? Him caving in to having a second baby? Or just him deleting her number?

@AgentJohnson thanks for your input but I respectfully disagree

@SandyY2K caving and having the second baby

Sorry I cross posted my previous message, didn’t mean it to sound so abrupt. If he was happy without the marriage, that’s even more difficult. If he got married to make you happy he may feel resentful from the get go. I am not excusing his behaviour, just trying to understand. If he was never really all in it’s not so surprising he is half way out now. I am sorry for your situation, but how many more unhappy years are you and the children all going to have.

My gut is telling me he's more scared of losing her and that's why he's quiet with her at the moment

It's hardly much of a relationship, if he can simply ignore her for a couple of months.

The whole thing lacks any logic really. If he's genuinely ignoring her as you believe, what sense does it make to create a Twitter account as soon as her number is deleted from his phone?

If he just wanted to follow her and see what she was doing since he's stopped speaking to her...he would have created the account a couple of months ago.

@Eugenieonegin no that's ok, you didn't sound abrupt at all - it has actually been an 'in joke' with his mates that he's 'under the thumb' that's something I have to face up to, I have been controlling in the past and I know that. Do I think our marriage will improve if he gets rid of her? Maybe it won't but it would be a start..but I can't do that for him, it's him that needs to make the decision go shut the door for good and he's just keeping it open which tells me everything.
She also doesn't know I'm pregnant and i personally think he's that scared of losing her that he's just keeping her on some sort of backburner for now until he knows how to tell her. Of course I'm desperate to tell her but I'm not going to

@SandyY2K I've thought about this too. Someone put it perfectly on the other thread, that he still wants an in with her. He's only 'not speaking' because he doesn't want to risk losing her.

And if you want me to be really honest? I think he's scared shitless of losing her

I know@SandyY2K is giving a lot of very sensible
And great advice, but I would not be able to help calling her. Because why not st this point?

Sorry @SandyY2K I also meant to say I think he created the twitter page to restart contact with her.

My h has this thing that he's always had that he completely shuts down emotionally, I think it was from a traumatic event at childhood so I've never held it against him but he can go through phases of even not talking to me for days. No it's not healthy but I've always known him to be that way

Hi @crispysausagerolls ok so say I do and she finds out I'm pregnant and she leaves (which is what I want) what do I do then? And sorry I didn't tag you in my multiple choice, you've also been one of the most honest and helpful, Which option do you think?

@cupcakesaregood

I haven't read the previous thread but this stood out to me

"You have to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it."

Right now (without being patronising) you won't know the importance of this because you care too much. But if this carries on, you will reach a point where you won't care about him and what he does- that in itself is painful.

I would speak to her. I know it's not the done thing on MN but I wouldn't be able to help myself, however don't hold out that she will give a shit or won't revel in the attention. Hopefully her response will rile you enough to make the decision we all know you need to make.

xx

Cupcakes it sounds like you have a massive deep rooted fear of losing this life you've built. The trying to control his behaviour, trying to get someone to justify the narrative you want that actually he loves you more and this will work.

I stayed with my ex the first time he cheated, even went on to have 2dc. We weren't happy. He was horrid (should have left many times!) and I bet it wasn't great for him either because I didn't really love him but I didn't really want the stigma of being a single Mum and I was so scared about what would happen.

But we had got to 8 years together and I had the gut instinct he'd cheated again. He started arguments with me and was distant but I had stopped caring.

I did get scared again when he suggested leaving. We did one relate session where he basically said he'd pay his way for our kids but wasn't interested in us. I split with him the next day.

The first week was sadness, being scared wondering about me and DCs future, scared to be judged. But I shouldn't have wasted my energy on those thoughts. I got mentally stronger, got my own house, learnt to drive, got a job.
I got really horny about a year later and joined OLD. But I was really really fussy and didn't care if I was to have a relationship or not. Anyway it's been 3 years of being with Date no. 3 and I'm getting married 😅 but if he wasn't amazing I would have been perfectly happy being single too.... Anything than being with the ex 😅

Oh and he was having an affair with a family friend, my DC have a baby half brother now and I'm very indifferent about it all... Except their brother's a cutie ♥️

You can chat with someone on Twitter and delete the chats.

He is still talking to her OP. I totally understand you’re clinging to him telling you it stopped 3 months ago is true. But it isn’t.

If your first baby wasn’t enough to ‘make him focus on the family’ the second is not going to change things for the better.

It’s fucking horrible what he’s done and is doing, but I can assure you, they will lie virtually to the point of you handing them photographic proof. They lie and lie and lie.

In fact, DO call her. You don’t believe us here, if your husband is genuine you can call her in front of him and she will confirm what he is telling you. Then you know. Don’t warn him or he will brief her.

I probably think option 4 of your multiple choice is more accurate, but it’s so impossible to say. I don’t know if he’s using this woman as some sort of fantasy escape but it’s “harmless”, or if he’s in love with her, or he’s slept with her, or he’s...I don’t know what. That’s the thing. You’ve had it out with him, you’ve explained the situation and he’s saying the Twitter is meaningless; and he is saying He won’t talk to her.

What I would do personally is call her. “Hi, I’m cupcake, fuckface’s wife. Just wondering what’s going on between the two of you, as we have a baby and im pregnant and I really need to know why he is messaging you and lying about it.”

See what she says. I’m not saying she will be honest but perhaps you will be able to glean a bit more context/information about the relationship. If you scare her off a bit then all the better.

I think a lot of advice on these threads has been excellent, but the point is that you are married and pregnant with one child already and you aren’t going to leave him now. That’s clear - and understandable. All you can do is some sort of damage control to create A situation you are happy to live with until things reach a head in a couple of ways.

My plan would be:

1. talk to this woman and see what’s going on
2. assuming that goes “well” - eg nothing happened and it’s all a bit of stupidity that has escalated, I would demand couples counselling. Work on both of yourselves. See if you can rebuild. Set a time limit on how long you’ll try for - 6 months, a year. Make him promise he won’t get in touch with her and make sure he understands if it happens again you WILL leave. But you MUST be willing to stick to it. Sometimes it’s very helpful at couples counselling for him to just hear an objective third party say “what you are doing is NOT alright”.
3. if it goes badly then I would really reconsider leaving. But with effectively 2 children you won’t want to do that without a “smoking gun” eg she says they slept together and she has proof.

@crispysausagerolls if chat does 'go well' am I then able to ask that he deletes her?

But say we give him the benefit of the doubt a second and believe him when he says he hasn't contacted her since we found out about the pregnancy (almost three months) is he being quiet with her because he's:

Frankly, I think it is option 'he does not know what he wants'. Or rather, he knows that it is impossible to get what he wants. He may long for a life with her, but he might still be reluctant to give up his life with his kid(s) - living truly ogether with them, not just visiting rights (even if he can count on those).

It is like pining for a life that is basically unattainable, because the elements contradict one another, and even while pining for this life he may be fully aware that it is impossible.

Hi @EThreepwood thank you for sharing your story. You say you went on to have children even though you weren't happy..like me - did you think it would help? Thanks for sharing, it means a lot

Hi @deepwatersolo I'm not excusing him at all. But that is the trauma from his childhood, his parents went through a terrible divorce, he had to have therapy. I do think that's why he is staying

@deepwatersolo sorry my grammar was so bad just there, I meant to say sorry for what I'm about to say please don't think I'm excusing him for his behaviour..then bout the trauma

Has he still not deleted her?

I would request from her that she stops communicating with him, as it’s the decent thing to do.

I would absolutely fucking insist that he delete her. He needs to understand that this is the last fucking chance saloon. You are having his second child - he’s in or he’s out. He wants to try or he doesnt. If he does she needs to be GONE!!!!!!!!!

@crispysausagerolls ok, I think I'm going to call her

@crispysausagerolls and whilst he has her
Contact information and this stupid twitter page, he's not in, right? I know I'm thinking out loud and the answer is obvious