Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

@PornStarHotChocolate I have no proof it was physical but I have no doubt it wasn't. Especially judging by the messages.

Obviously I'd like to think positively and think you're right. But I know him he'd be too terrified to tell her even by text, let alone a phone call.

Also one of the messages that I saw not even a month ago was how happy he was that she's in his life.

And I thought cutting contact was blocking and deleting not leaving the door open (I'm not being picky, I'm just making sure I'm getting it right)

why do you fight for this man ?

You're just going over the same points again and again and torturing yourself. He obviously doesn't want to cut contact, or he would have done so a long time ago.

I've lurked for a while now because I didn't think I could add anything that hasn't already been said multiple times, but in your previous thread you said he hasn't been happy for a while. When was the last time you were truly happy and felt secure and loved by him?

Instead of asking 'why hasn't he deleted her number?' and 'why hasn't he told her about the baby?' in the hope that someone will give you an explanation that means it's all a silly mistake and will be fine, you need to be asking 'what do I need to put in place to have a happy life for me and my children?'

I suspect that you'll still be in this situation next year, and the year after and so on, posting about why the door wasn't 'locked and bolted'.

This isn't a competition with OW, it's your life and you deserve a happy one. Speak openly with your husband, ask him the questions you're asking us and then decide what to do. Personally, I would leave - I know it's easy for an Internet stranger to say but he's having an emotional, if not a physical, affair. Fuck that, I'd be out.

@Cupcakesaregood

Apologies for not replying. Took some time for myself to think about things. I don't want to talk about this on here but I just want to stress again while it may look like I'm obsessing over one aspect of this mess, behind the scenes I am looking at possible future options for myself and our children.

Not to look too much into the psychology of things but while I was thinking about this whole situation, something struck me and I was interested in your thoughts. My husband, ever since I have known him has always been conflict avoidant. I've never known if that was due to his childhood (mentally abusive mother). He has this habit of sticking his head in the sand. As mentioned before (and I know this pretty much for a fact) he has gone quiet with her. And yes I admit part of me hoped it was done but (and I will try my best not to mention again) if it was done she would be gone.
I think he is applying his head in the sand routine to her rather than just risk hurting her by telling her we have had another baby he's stuck his head down. Will he go back to her? Obviously the situation is f going to change ie our new daughter isn't going to go anywhere so I'm not quite sure where he thinks this will get him.
And for those saying I should tell her - no. It has to come from him because it will hurt more (I know that sounds bad but I'm just being honest).
Again thank you for letting me hear your views, it makes me feel less alone in this.

People who claim to hate conflict so do hurtful things but lie about them are not actually conflict avoidant. If he didn't want conflict he wouldn't have had an emotional affair. If he didn't want conflict he would have cut contact. He isn't conflict avoidant, he's just a run of the mill ordinary person who does what he can get away with. Also known as a bit of a dick.

You are currently responsible for your headspace though. You know what's happened and you know he hasn't cut contact. You not leaving him isn't a passive choice, it's an active choice to continue damaging your own mental health.

It's so frustrating that you want the hows and whys but no matter what anyone says, you'll just redirect to another how and why so you don't have to make an uncomfortable decision.

I appreciate you owe us nothing but I'm not sure theres anything anyone can say to galvanise you to make a change.

This is so, so unhealthy and getting more toxic the longer it continues.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I keep hearing this phrase cut contact. Is this just ignore? Or is it get rid of everything

Cut contact would be to get rid of everything. No need to have it.

[quote Cupcakesaregood]@youvegottenminuteslynn I keep hearing this phrase cut contact. Is this just ignore? Or is it get rid of everything[/quote]
See that's what I mean, your focus from my post is semantics / defining a phrase rather than the content of the post as a whole. You don't seem ready to really accept he's got one foot out the door and is probably staying because he thinks it's easier than leaving, but not because he is fully invested in you. Sorry - I don't know what anyone can do or say but I hope you find peace

@Artandlove thank you

@youvegottenminuteslynn thanks

I haven't read the first thread OP, but I've read through this one. I'm sorry you're going through this and I've been in a similar situation with an emotional affair (that did turn physical) on the part of my DH and a new baby, and it's horrible.

One of the things that sticks out for me is that this man is not a safe person to entrust your security to, and I mean emotional, joint financial commitments, everything. At the moment, you're in a position to make decisions and I would really urge you to talk to a solicitor and think carefully about how your life will work without him in it. I'm sorry because it's a horrible thing to read but I think that one day he may just take it out of your hands entirely and decide to leave and you want to be prepared. In your position, I'd want to take back some control over how the relationship ends.

At the moment, he's in the position of having two women pining for him. I'm not sure that relationships can often be reconciled after this sort of thing without leaving deep trust problems, but at the very least he should have told her firmly that it is over, he never wants to hear from her again, and followed through by never contacting her ever again. Any blocking/deleting gesture is irrelevant, I would do it in his shoes but if he wants to speak to her, he will find a way.

Congratulations on your baby

Good Lord OP, you are going over the same ground over and over. The hard truth is he hasn’t ditched her because he doesn’t want to do that. He wants to be with her but feels he has obligations holding him back. The end.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for him for a second but you are torturing yourself over someone who wants to be with someone else and feels they can’t. WHY would you want this man? I can’t imagine you can play happy families I own my the way he feels?

@HoppingPavlova I was actually asking g if he was just burying his head in the sand when it comes to her rather than it actually being over but ok

What are you going to do, Cupcakes?

@PerpendicularVincent honestly at this point I don't know. I can't take people having a go at me about the number though so I'm going to take a break. People on here need to realise it's not just a number and it's a direct link to her and that's exactly why I am the way I am about it

I do understand what an awful position you're in, but focusing on the number above everything else is pointless. It's stopping you thinking clearly and deciding what to do.

Even if he didn't have her number on his phone he may have another phone. Or he may have it memorised. Or he may have her email, or a secret messaging app.

Of course he may have none of these things, but my point is that there are loads of ways to contact her if he wants to. Having or not having her number on one phone is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

People here will always be honest and not necessarily tell you what you want to hear.

I wish you well, and I hope you take steps to make a better life for yourself.

[quote Cupcakesaregood]@PerpendicularVincent honestly at this point I don't know. I can't take people having a go at me about the number though so I'm going to take a break. People on here need to realise it's not just a number and it's a direct link to her and that's exactly why I am the way I am about it[/quote]
People aren't having a go at you about the number being an issue, they agree it's an issue, they're just frustrated that despite it going on so long you seem unwilling to expand the discussion into practical steps towards getting healthier and happier by leaving. Of course you have no obligation to do anything anyone on here suggests but the frustration people have comes from a place of wanting you to be happy and healthy, not one of being judgemental or unkind

Hey OP, good to hear from you. I second what a PP who has apparently been there 'from the start' said upthread:

I just wish someone could snap you out of wishing things were different so you can accept the reality and stop living in this no man's land that isn't making you happy.

That said, I'm glad you got counselling and are looking into your options and getting your ducks in a row. Babysteps for now, but that's understandable in your situation, with the baby and all. Quite recently I was reminded of a girl who went to school with me. When she was 17, she had to split up with her boyfriend, even though she did not want to (!), because, basically, he wanted to end it but didn't have the 'courgage' to end it. So he made the whole situation unbearable for her. (Without being explicitly nasty or cheating or anything.) When she finally broke up with him because she clearly felt he actually didn't want the relationship any more, he thanked her for breaking up. It was the weirdest sh*t. Lesson learned: Some guys are too cowardly to break up. Maybe your guy is like that, too. And that's why he not only cannot break up with you, he can't break up with her either...

People on here need to realise it's not just a number and it's a direct link to her

People on here do realise that.

However what most people here (and on the other site) have been trying to say, is that you focus on the number, as though that's the most important thing here.

He could memorise it delete her number and his heart would still not be with you.

He may be physically present for the family, but he would not be committed to you or the marriage.

You will drive yourself mad with it OP. He might not have her number in his phone, or he could save it as a different name. Or he could memorise it. Or he could message her on another platform. Or have a different phone. If you want to get in touch with someone without others knowing it there are a million ways. I’ve seen the mechanism of how people have affairs and the lengths they will go to; if he wanted to properly go there he would do, and you cannot stop him, all you can do is be honest about whether you are going to put up with a life always worrying about what he is doing and where he is going. Concentrate on you, not him. X

If op were to see the number gone and if he had reached a point of having no interest in getting in touch with her then they could work on their relationship and see if they can get back on track. Op has said she wants to be with her husband and make their family unit together work.

Artandlove the problem isn’t the number. He will memorise that if made to get rid of it. It’s the ‘having no interest in getting in touch with her’ that’s the problem. He may not because he feels forced to stay with OP but they won’t take away the interest, longing and resentment. Someone can stay until they die of old age but what’s the point if they are truly not staying for the right reason but just for the sake of keeping the family unit together?

@HoppingPavlova I know the problem is not the number but the action of it going (through his own choice) shows there is a chance for them to move forward and start to repair things.

@Cupcakesaregood hope
You’re ok out
There, I often
Think about you and worry x

Just wondering how the last year has been OP? Are you still on here? Hope you're OK.